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Tales of the Jazz Age

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_Near him on the grass lies _PETER_, a little boy.
_PETER_, of course, has his chin on his palm like the pictures
of the young Sir Walter Raleigh. He has a complete set of features,
including serious, sombre, even funereal, gray eyes--and radiates that
alluring air of never having eaten food. This air can best be radiated
during the afterglow of a beef dinner. Be is looking at _MR.
ICKY_, fascinated._

_Silence. . . . The song of birds._

PETER: Often at night I sit at my window and regard the stars.
Sometimes I think they're my stars.... (_Gravely_) I think I
shall be a star some day....

ME. ICKY: (_Whimsically_) Yes, yes ... yes....

PETER: I know them all: Venus, Mars, Neptune, Gloria Swanson.

MR. ICKY: I don't take no stock in astronomy.... I've been thinking o'
Lunnon, laddie. And calling to mind my daughter, who has gone for to
be a typewriter.... (_He sighs._)

PETER: I liked Ulsa, Mr. Icky; she was so plump, so round, so buxom.

MR. ICKY: Not worth the paper she was padded with, laddie. (_He
stumbles over a pile of pots and dods._)

PETER: How is your asthma, Mr. Icky?

MR. ICKY: Worse, thank God!...(_Gloomily.)_ I'm a hundred years
old... I'm getting brittle.

PETER: I suppose life has been pretty tame since you gave up petty
arson.

MR. ICKY: Yes... yes.... You see, Peter, laddie, when I was fifty I
reformed once--in prison.

PETER: You went wrong again?

MR. ICKY: Worse than that. The week before my term expired they
insisted on transferring to me the glands of a healthy young prisoner
they were executing.

PETER: And it renovated you?

MR. ICKY: Renovated me! It put the Old Nick back into me! This young
criminal was evidently a suburban burglar and a kleptomaniac. What was
a little playful arson in comparison!

PETER: (_Awed_) How ghastly! Science is the bunk.

MR. ICKY: (_Sighing_) I got him pretty well subdued now. 'Tisn't
every one who has to tire out two sets o' glands in his lifetime. I
wouldn't take another set for all the animal spirits in an orphan
asylum.

PETER: (_Considering_) I shouldn't think you'd object to a nice
quiet old clergyman's set.

MR. ICKY: Clergymen haven't got glands--they have souls.

(_There is a low, sonorous honking off stage to indicate that a
large motor-car has stopped in the immediate vicinity. Then a young
man handsomely attired in a dress-suit and a patent-leather silk hat
comes onto the stage. He is very mundane. His contrast to the
spirituality of the other two is observable as far back as the first
row of the balcony. This is_ RODNEY DIVINE.)

DIVINE: I am looking for Ulsa Icky.

(MR. ICKY _rises and stands tremulously between two dods._)

MR. ICKY: My daughter is in Lunnon.

DIVINE: She has left London. She is coming here. I have followed her.

(_He reaches into the little mother-of-pearl satchel that hangs at
his side for cigarettes. He selects one and scratching a match touches
it to the cigarette. The cigarette instantly lights._)

DIVINE: I shall wait.

(_He waits. Several hours pass. There is no sound except an
occasional cackle or hiss from the dods as they quarrel among
themselves. Several songs can be introduced here or some card tricks
by_ DIVINE _or a tumbling act, as desired._)

DIVINE: It's very quiet here.

MR. ICKY: Yes, very quiet....

(_Suddenly a loudly dressed girl appears; she is very worldly. It
is _ULSA ICKY._ On her is one of those shapeless faces peculiar to
early Italian painting._)

ULSA: (_In a coarse, worldly voice_) Feyther! Here I am! Ulsa did
what?

MR. ICKY: (_Tremulously_) Ulsa, little Ulsa. (_They embrace
each other's torsos._)

MR. ICKY: (_Hopefully_) You've come back to help with the
ploughing.

ULSA: (_Sullenly_) No, feyther; ploughing's such a beyther. I'd
reyther not.

(_Though her accent is broad, the content of her speech is sweet and
clean._)

DIVINE: (_Conciliatingly_) See here, Ulsa. Let's come to an
understanding.

(_He advances toward her with the graceful, even stride that made
him captain of the striding team at Cambridge._)

ULSA: You still say it would be Jack?

MR. ICKY: What does she mean?

DIVINE: (_Kindly_) My dear, of course, it would be Jack. It
couldn't be Frank.

MR. ICKY: Frank who?

ULSA: It _would_ be Frank!

(_Some risqué joke can be introduced here._)

MR. ICKY: (_Whimsically_) No good fighting...no good fighting...

DIVINE: (_Reaching out to stroke her arm with the powerful movement
that made him stroke of the crew at Oxford_) You'd better marry me.

ULSA: (_Scornfully_) Why, they wouldn't let me in through the
servants' entrance of your house.

DIVINE: (_Angrily_) They wouldn't! Never fear--you shall come in
through the mistress' entrance.

ULSA: Sir!

DIVINE: (_In confusion_) I beg your pardon. You know what I mean?

MR. ICKY: (_Aching with whimsey_) You want to marry my little
Ulsa?...

DIVINE: I do.

MR. ICKY: Your record is clean.

DIVINE: Excellent. I have the best constitution in the world---

ULSA: And the worst by-laws.

DIVINE: At Eton I was a member at Pop; at Rugby I belonged to
Near-beer. As a younger son I was destined for the police force---

MR. ICKY: Skip that.... Have you money?...

DIVINE: Wads of it. I should expect Ulsa to go down town in sections
every morning--in two Rolls Royces. I have also a kiddy-car and a
converted tank. I have seats at the opera---

ULSA: (_Sullenly_) I can't sleep except in a box. And I've heard
that you were cashiered from your club.

MR. ICKY: A cashier? ...

DIVINE: (_Hanging his head_) I was cashiered.

ULSA: What for?

DIVINE: (_Almost inaudibly_) I hid the polo bails one day for a
joke.

MR. ICKY: Is your mind in good shape?

DIVINE: (_Gloomily_) Fair. After all what is brilliance? Merely
the tact to sow when no one is looking and reap when every one is.

ME. ICKY; Be careful. ... I will-not marry my daughter to an epigram....

DIVINE: (_More gloomily_) I assure you I'm a mere platitude. I
often descend to the level of an innate idea.

ULSA: (_Dully_) None of what you're saying matters. I can't marry
a man who thinks it would be Jack. Why Frank would--

DIVINE: (_Interrupting_) Nonsense!

ULSA: (_Emphatically_) You're a fool!

MR. ICKY: Tut-tut! ... One should not judge ... Charity, my girl. What
was it Nero said?--"With malice toward none, with charity toward
all---"

PETER: That wasn't Nero. That was John Drinkwater.

MR. ICKY: Come! Who is this Frank? Who is this Jack?


DIVINE: (_Morosely_) Gotch.

ULSA: Dempsey.

DIVINE: We were arguing that if they were deadly enemies and locked in
a room together which one would come out alive. Now I claimed that
Jack Dempsey would take one---

ULSA: (_Angrily_) Rot! He wouldn't have a---

DIVINE: (_Quickly_) You win.

ULSA: Then I love you again.

MR. ICKY: So I'm going to lose my little daughter...

ULSA: You've still got a houseful of children,

(CHARLES, ULSA'S _brother, coming out of the cottage. He is dressed
as if to go to sea; a coil of rope is slung about his shoulder and an
anchor is hanging from his neck._)

CHARLES: (_Not seeing them_) I'm going to sea! I'm going to sea!

(_His voice is triumphant._)

MR. ICKY: (_Sadly_) You went to seed long ago.

CHARLES: I've been reading "Conrad."

PETER: (_Dreamily_) "Conrad," ah! "Two Years Before the Mast," by
Henry James.

CHARLES: What?

PETER: Walter Pater's version of "Robinson Crusoe."

CHARLES: (_To his feyther_) I can't stay here and rot with you. I
want to live my life. I want to hunt eels.

MR. ICKY: I will be here... when you come back....

CHARLES: (_Contemptuously_) Why, the worms are licking their
chops already when they hear your name.

(_It will be noticed that some of the characters have not spoken for
some time. It will improve the technique if they can be rendering a
spirited saxophone number._)

MR. ICKY: (_Mournfully_) These vales, these hills, these
McCormick harvesters--they mean nothing to my children. I understand.

CHARLES: (_More gently_) Then you'll think of me kindly, feyther.
To understand is to forgive.

MR. ICKY: No...no....We never forgive those we can understand....We
can only forgive those who wound us for no reason at all....

CHARLES: (_Impatiently_) I'm so beastly sick of your human nature
line. And, anyway, I hate the hours around here.

(_Several dozen more of _MR. ICKY'S_ children trip out of the
house, trip over the grass, and trip over the pots and dods. They are
muttering "We are going away," and "We are leaving you."_)

MR. ICKY: (_His heart breaking_) They're all deserting me. I've
been too kind. Spare the rod and spoil the fun. Oh, for the glands of
a Bismarck.

(_There is a honking outside--probably _DIVINE'S_ chauffeur
growing impatient for his master._)

MR. ICKY: (_In misery_) They do not love the soil! They have been
faithless to the Great Potato Tradition! (_He picks up a handful of
soil passionately and rubs it on his bald head. Hair sprouts._) Oh,
Wordsworth, Wordsworth, how true you spoke!

_"No motion has she now, no force;
She does not hear or feel;
Roll'd round on earth's diurnal course
In some one's Oldsmobile."_

(_They all groan and shouting "Life" and "Jazz" move slowly toward
the wings._)

CHARLES: Back to the soil, yes! I've been trying to turn my back to
the soil for ten years!

ANOTHER CHILD: The farmers may be the backbone of the country, but who
wants to be a backbone?

ANOTHER CHILD: I care not who hoes the lettuce of my country if I can
eat the salad!

ALL: Life! Psychic Research! Jazz!

MR. ICKY: (_Struggling with himself_) I must be quaint. That's
all there is. It's not life that counts, it's the quaintness you bring
to it....

ALL: We're going to slide down the Riviera. We've got tickets for
Piccadilly Circus. Life! Jazz!

MR. ICKY: Wait. Let me read to you from the Bible. Let me open it at
random. One always finds something that bears on the situation.

(_He finds a Bible lying in one of the dods and opening it at random
begins to read._)

"Ahab and Istemo and Anim, Goson and Olon and Gilo, eleven cities and
their villages. Arab, and Ruma, and Esaau--"

CHARLES: (_Cruelly_) Buy ten more rings and try again.

MR. ICKY: (_Trying again_) "How beautiful art thou my love, how
beautiful art thou! Thy eyes are dove's eyes, besides what is hid
within. Thy hair is as flocks of goats which come up from Mount
Galaad--Hm! Rather a coarse passage...."

(_His children laugh at him rudely, shouting "Jazz!" and "All life
is primarily suggestive!"_)

MR. ICKY: (_Despondently_) It won't work to-day.
(_Hopefully_) Maybe it's damp. (_He feels it_) Yes, it's
damp.... There was water in the dod.... It won't work.

ALL: It's damp! It won't work! Jazz!

ONE OF THE CHILDREN: Come, we must catch the six-thirty.

(_Any other cue may be inserted here._)

MR. ICKY: Good-by....

(_ They all go out._ MR. ICKY _is left alone. He sighs and
walking over to the cottage steps, lies down, and closes his eyes._)

_Twilight has come down and the stage is flooded with such light as
never was on land or sea. There is no sound except a sheep-herder's
wife in the distance playing an aria from Beethoven's Tenth Symphony,
on a mouth-organ. The great white and gray moths swoop down and light
on the old man until he is completely covered by them. But he does not
stir._

_The curtain goes up and down several times to denote the lapse of
several minutes. A good comedy effect can be obtained by having
_MR. ICKY_ cling to the curtain and go up and down with it.
Fireflies or fairies on wires can also be introduced at this
point._

_Then _PETER_ appears, a look of almost imbecile sweetness on
his face. In his hand he clutches something and from time to time
glances at it in a transport of ecstasy. After a struggle with himself
he lays it on the old man's body and then quietly withdraws._

_The moths chatter among themselves and then scurry away in sudden
fright. And as night deepens there still sparkles there, small, white
and round, breathing a subtle perfume to the West Issacshire breeze,
_PETER'S_ gift of love--a moth-ball._

(_The play can end at this point or can go on indefinitely._)




JEMINA, THE MOUNTAIN GIRL

This don't pretend to be "Literature." This is just a tale for
red-blooded folks who want a _story_ and not just a lot of
"psychological" stuff or "analysis." Boy, you'll love it! Read it
here, see it in the movies, play it on the phonograph, run it through
the sewing-machine.


A WILD THING

It was night in the mountains of Kentucky. Wild hills rose on all
sides. Swift mountain streams flowed rapidly up and down the
mountains.

Jemima Tantrum was down at the stream, brewing whiskey at the family
still.

She was a typical mountain girl.

Her feet were bare. Her hands, large and powerful, hung down below her
knees. Her face showed the ravages of work. Although but sixteen, she
had for over a dozen years been supporting her aged pappy and mappy by
brewing mountain whiskey. From time to time she would pause in her
task, and, filling a dipper full of the pure, invigorating liquid,
would drain it off--then pursue her work with renewed vigor.

She would place the rye in the vat, thresh it out with her feet and,
in twenty minutes, the completed product would be turned out.

A sudden cry made her pause in the act of draining a dipper and look
up.

"Hello," said a voice. It came from a man clad in hunting boots
reaching to his neck, who had emerged.

"Can you tell me the way to the Tantrums' cabin?"

"Are you uns from the settlements down thar?"

She pointed her hand down to the bottom of the hill, where Louisville
lay. She had never been there; but once, before she was born, her
great-grandfather, old Gore Tantrum, had gone into the settlements in
the company of two marshals, and had never come back. So the Tantrums
from generation to generation, had learned to dread civilization.

The man was amused. He laughed a light tinkling laugh, the laugh of a
Philadelphian. Something in the ring of it thrilled her. She drank off
another dipper of whiskey.

"Where is Mr. Tantrum, little girl?" he asked, not without kindness.

She raised her foot and pointed her big toe toward the woods. "Thar in
the cabing behind those thar pines. Old Tantrum air my old man."

The man from the settlements thanked her and strode off. He was fairly
vibrant with youth and personality. As he walked along he whistled and
sang and turned handsprings and flapjacks, breathing in the fresh,
cool air of the mountains.

The air around the still was like wine.

Jemina Tantrum watched him entranced. No one like him had ever come
into her life before.

She sat down on the grass and counted her toes. She counted eleven.
She had learned arithmetic in the mountain school.


A MOUNTAIN FEUD

Ten years before a lady from the settlements had opened a school on
the mountain. Jemina had no money, but she had paid her way in
whiskey, bringing a pailful to school every morning and leaving it on
Miss Lafarge's desk. Miss Lafarge had died of delirium tremens after a
year's teaching, and so Jemina's education had stopped.

Across the still stream, still another still was standing; It was that
of the Doldrums. The Doldrums and the Tantrums never exchanged calls.

They hated each other.

Fifty years before old Jem Doldrum and old Jem Tantrum had quarrelled
in the Tantrum cabin over a game of slapjack. Jem Doldrum had thrown
the king of hearts in Jem Tantrum's face, and old Tantrum, enraged,
had felled the old Doldrum with the nine of diamonds. Other Doldrums
and Tantrums had joined in and the little cabin was soon filled with
flying cards. Harstrum Doldrum, one of the younger Doldrums, lay
stretched on the floor writhing in agony, the ace of hearts crammed
down his throat. Jem Tantrum, standing in the doorway; ran through
suit after suit, his face alight with fiendish hatred. Old Mappy
Tantrum stood on the table wetting down the Doldrums with hot whiskey.
Old Heck Doldrum, having finally run out of trumps, was backed out of
the cabin, striking left and right with his tobacco pouch, and
gathering around him the rest of his clan. Then they mounted their
steers and galloped furiously home.

That night old man Doldrum and his sons, vowing vengeance, had
returned, put a ticktock on the Tantrum window, stuck a pin in the
doorbell, and beaten a retreat.

A week later the Tantrums had put Cod Liver Oil in the Doldrums'
still, and so, from year to year, the feud had continued, first one
family being entirely wiped out, then the other.


THE BIRTH OF LOVE

Every day little Jemina worked the still on her side of the stream,
and Boscoe Doldrum worked the still on his side.

Sometimes, with automatic inherited hatred, the feudists would throw
whiskey at each other, and Jemina would come home smelling like a
French table d'hôte.

But now Jemina was too thoughtful to look across the stream.

How wonderful the stranger had been and how oddly he was dressed! In
her innocent way she had never believed that there were any civilized
settlements at all, and she had put the belief in them down to the
credulity of the mountain people.

She turned to go up to the cabin, and, as she turned something struck
her in the neck. It was a sponge, thrown by Boscoe Doldrum--a sponge
soaked in whiskey from his still on the other side of the stream.

"Hi, thar, Boscoe Doldrum," she shouted in her deep bass voice.

"Yo! Jemina Tantrum. Gosh ding yo'!" he returned.

She continued her way to the cabin.

The stranger was talking to her father. Gold had been discovered on
the Tantrum land, and the stranger, Edgar Edison, was trying to buy
the land for a song. He was considering what song to offer.

She sat upon her hands and watched him.

He was wonderful. When he talked his lips moved.

She sat upon the stove and watched him.

Suddenly there came a blood-curdling scream. The Tantrums rushed to
the windows.

It was the Doldrums.

They had hitched their steers to trees and concealed themselves behind
the bushes and flowers, and soon a perfect rattle of stones and bricks
beat against the windows, bending them inward.

"Father! father!" shrieked Jemina.

Her father took down his slingshot from his slingshot rack on the wall
and ran his hand lovingly over the elastic band. He stepped to a
loophole. Old Mappy Tantrum stepped to the coalhole.


A MOUNTAIN BATTLE

The stranger was aroused at last. Furious to get at the Doldrums, he
tried to escape from the house by crawling up the chimney. Then he
thought there might be a door under the bead, but Jemina told him
there was not. He hunted for doors under the beds and sofas, but each
time Jemina pulled him out and told him there were no doors there.
Furious with anger, he beat upon the door and hollered at the
Doldrums. They did not answer him, but kept up their fusillade of
bricks and stones against the window. Old Pappy Tantrum knew that just
as soon as they were able to affect an aperture they would pour in and
the fight would be over.

Then old Heck Doldrum, foaming at the mouth and expectorating on the
ground, left and right, led the attack.

The terrific slingshots of Pappy Tantrum had not been without their
effect. A master shot had disabled one Doldrum, and another Doldrum,
shot almost incessantly through the abdomen, fought feebly on.

Nearer and nearer they approached the house.

"We must fly," shouted the stranger to Jemina. "I will sacrifice
myself and bear you away."

"No," shouted Pappy Tantrum, his face begrimed. "You stay here and fit
on. I will bar Jemina away. I will bar Mappy away. I will bar myself
away."

The man from the settlements, pale and trembling with anger, turned to
Ham Tantrum, who stood at the door throwing loophole after loophole at
the advancing Doldrums.

"Will you cover the retreat?"

But Ham said that he too had Tantrums to bear away, but that he would
leave himself here to help the stranger cover the retreat, if he could
think of a way of doing it.

Soon smoke began to filter through the floor and ceiling. Shem Doldrum
had come up and touched a match to old Japhet Tantrum's breath as he
leaned from a loophole, and the alcoholic flames shot up on all sides.

The whiskey in the bathtub caught fire. The walls began to fall in.

Jemina and the man from the settlements looked at each other.

"Jemina," he whispered.

"Stranger," she answered,

"We will die together," he said. "If we had lived I would have taken
you to the city and married you. With your ability to hold liquor,
your social success would have been assured."

She caressed him idly for a moment, counting her toes softly to
herself. The smoke grew thicker. Her left leg was on fire.

She was a human alcohol lamp.

Their lips met in one long kiss and then a wall fell on them and
blotted them out.

"As One."

When the Doldrums burst through the ring of flame, they found them
dead where they had fallen, their arms about each other.

Old Jem Doldrum was moved.

He took off his hat.

He filled it with whiskey and drank it off.

"They air dead," he said slowly, "they hankered after each other. The
fit is over now. We must not part them."

So they threw them together into the stream and the two splashes they
made were as one.

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