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Manners and Social Usages

M >> Mrs. John M. E. W. Sherwood >> Manners and Social Usages



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[frontispiece]THE MODERN DINNER-TABLE.

MANNERS
AND
SOCIAL USAGES
BY
MRS. JOHN SHERWOOD M.E.W.

AUTHOR OF "A TRANSPLANTED ROSE"

"Manners are the shadows of great virtues."--Whateley

"Solid Fashion is funded politeness."--Emerson

NEW AND ENLARGED EDITION, REVISED BY THE AUTHOR

JUN 11 1887




PG TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES:

This etiquette manual was probably originally a series of columns
in a newspaper or a magazine like Harper's, as the chapters on
weddings in the different seasons refer to how the fashions have
changed since the last one--by the original copyright, 1884,
though the book version appeared in 1887. Notable features among
the usual: how to dance the German, or Cotillon; remarks and four
chapters on English, French, or others in contrast to American
customs, making it a guide to European manners; proper behavior
for the single woman past girlhood; appropriate costumes for many
occasions; three chapters on staff and servants.


PREFACE.

There is no country where there are so many people asking what is
"proper to do," or, indeed, where there are so many genuinely
anxious to do the proper thing, as in the vast conglomerate which
we call the United States of America. The newness of our country
is perpetually renewed by the sudden making of fortunes, and by
the absence of a hereditary, reigning set. There is no aristocracy
here which has the right and title to set the fashions.

But a "reigning set," whether it depend upon hereditary right or
adventitious wealth, if it be possessed of a desire to lead and a
disposition to hospitality, becomes for a period the dictator of
fashion to a large number of lookers-on. The travelling world,
living far from great centres, goes to Newport, Saratoga, New
York, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and gazes on what is
called the latest American fashion. This, though exploited by what
we may call for the sake of distinction the "newer set," is
influenced and shaped in some degree by people of native
refinement and taste, and that wide experience which is gained by
travel and association with broad and cultivated minds. They
counteract the tendency to vulgarity, which is the great danger of
a newly launched society, so that our social condition improves,
rather than retrogrades, with every decade.

There may be many social purists who will disagree with us in this
statement. Men and women educated in the creeds of the Old World,
with the good blood of a long ancestry of quiet ladies and
gentlemen, find modern American society, particularly in New York
and at Newport, fast, furious, and vulgar. There are, of course,
excesses committed everywhere in the name of fashion; but we
cannot see that they are peculiar to America. We can only answer
that the creed of fashion is one of perpetual change. There is a
Council of Trent, we may say, every five years, perhaps even every
two years, in our new and changeful country, and we learn that,
follow as we may either the grand old etiquette of England or the
more gay and shifting social code of France, we still must make an
original etiquette of our own. Our political system alone, where
the lowest may rise to the highest preferment, upsets in a measure
all that the Old World insists upon in matters of precedence and
formality. Certain immutable principles remain common to all
elegant people who assume to gather society about them, and who
wish to enter its portals; the absent-minded scholar from his
library should not ignore them, the fresh young farmer from the
countryside feels and recognizes their importance. If we are to
live together in unity we must make society a pleasant thing, we
must obey certain formal rules, and these rules must conform to
the fashion of the period.

And it is in no way derogatory to a new country like our own if on
some minor points of etiquette we presume to differ from the older
world. We must fit our garments to the climate, our manners to our
fortunes and to our daily lives. There are, however, faults and
inelegancies of which foreigners accuse us which we may do well to
consider. One of these is the greater freedom allowed in the
manners of our young women a freedom which, as our New World fills
up with people of foreign birth, cannot but lead to social
disturbances. Other national faults, which English writers and
critics kindly point out, are our bumptiousness, our spread-
eagleism, and our too great familiarity and lack of dignity, etc.

Instead of growing angry over these criticisms, perhaps we might
as well look into the matter dispassionately, and see if we cannot
turn the advice in some degree to our advantage. We can, however,
decide for ourselves on certain points of etiquette which we
borrow from nobody; they are a part of our great nation, of our
republican institutions, and of that continental hospitality which
gives a home to the Russian, the German, the Frenchman, the
Irishman, man, and the "heathen Chinee." A somewhat wide and
elastic code, as boundless as the prairies, can alone meet the
needs of these different citizens. The old traditions of stately
manners, so common to the Washington and Jefferson days, have
almost died out here, as similar manners have died out all over
the world. The war of 1861 swept away what little was left of that
once important American fact--a grandfather. We began all over
again; and now there comes up from this newer world a flood of
questions: How shall we manage all this? How shall we use a fork?
When wear a dress-coat? How and when and on whom shall we leave
our cards? How long and for whom shall we wear mourning? What is
the etiquette of a wedding? How shall we give a dinner-party?
The young housekeeper of Kansas writes as to the manners she shall
teach to her children; the miner's wife, having become rich, asks
how she shall arrange her house, call on her neighbors, write her
letters? Many an anxious girl writes as to the propriety of
"driving out with a gentleman," etc. In fact, there is one great
universal question, What is the etiquette of good society?

Not a few people have tried to answer these questions, and have
broken down in the attempt. Many have made valuable manuals, as
far as they went; but writers on etiquette commonly fail, for one
or two different reasons. Many attempt to write who know nothing
of good society by experience, and their books are full of
ludicrous errors. Others have had the disadvantage of knowing too
much, of ignoring the beginning of things, of supposing that the
person who reads will take much for granted. For a person who has
an intuitive knowledge of etiquette, who has been brought up from
his mother's knee in the best society, has always known what to
do, how to dress, to whom to bow, to write in the simplest way
about etiquette would be impossible; he would never know how
little the reader, to whose edification he was addressing himself,
knew of the matter.

If, however, an anxious inquirer should write and ask if "mashed
potato must be eaten with a knife or a fork," or if "napkins and
finger bowls can be used at breakfast," those questions he can
answer.

It is with an effort to answer thousands of these questions,
written in good faith to Harper's Bazar, that this book is
undertaken. The simplicity, the directness, and the evident desire
"to improve," which characterize these anonymous letters, are all
much to be commended. Many people have found themselves suddenly
conquerors of material wealth, the most successful colonists in
the world, the heirs of a great inheritance, the builders of a new
empire. There is a true refinement manifested in their questions.
Not only do men and women like to behave properly themselves, but
all desire to know what is the best school of manners, that they
may educate their children therein. Such minds are the best
conservators of law and order. It is not a communistic spirit that
asks, "How can I do this thing in a better way?" It is that wise
and liberal conservatism which includes reverence for law, respect
for age, belief in religion, and a desire for a refined society. A
book on etiquette, however patiently considered and honestly
written, must have many shortcomings, and contain disputed
testimony. All we can do is endeavor to mention those fashions and
customs which we believe to be the best, remembering always, as we
have said, that the great law of change goes on forever, that our
stately grandfathers had fashions which we should now consider
gross and unbecoming, while we have customs, particularly of
speech, which would have shocked them. This law of change is not
only one which time modifies, but with us the South, the North,
the East, and the West differ as to certain points of etiquette.
All, however, agree in saying that there is a good society in
America whose mandates are supreme. All feel that the well-bred
man or woman is a "recognized institution." Everybody laughed at
the mistakes of Daisy Miller, and saw wherein she and her mother
were wrong. Independent American girls may still choose to travel
without a chaperon, but they must be prepared to fight a
well-founded prejudice if they do. There is a recognition of the
necessity of good manners, and a profound conviction, let us hope,
that a graceful manner is the outcropping of a well-regulated mind
and of a good heart.

CONTENTS.

CHAPTER ... PAGE
I. Women as Leaders ... 13
II. Optional Civilities ... 29
III. Good and Bad Society ... 36
IV. On Introducing People ... 44
V. Visiting ... 58
VI. Invitations, Acceptances, and Regrets ... 66
VII. Cards of Compliment, Courtesy, Condolence, and Congratulation
... 74
VIII. The Etiquette of Weddings ... 82
IX. Who Pays for the Cards ... 94
X. Weddings after Easter ... 102
XI. Summer Weddings ... 110
XII Autumn Weddings ... 117
XIII. Before the Wedding and After ... 125
XIV. Gold, Silver, and Tin Weddings ... 133
XV. The Etiquette of Balls ... 142
XVI. Fashionable Dancing ... 150
XVII. Letters and Letter Writing ... 159
XVIII. Costly thy Habit ... 167
XlX. Dressing for Driving ... 174
XX. Incongruities of Dress ... 181
XXI. Etiquette of Mourning ... 188
XXII. Mourning and Funeral Usages ... 200
XXIII. Letters of Condolence ... 207
XXIV. Chaperons and Their Duties ... 214
XXV. Etiquette for Elderly Girls ... 223
XXVI. New Year's Calls ... 230
XXVII. Matin‚es And Soir‚es ... 239
XXVIII. Afternoon Tea ... 247
XXIX. Caudle And Christening Cups and Ceremonies ... 255
XXX. Modern Dinner Table ... 261
XXXI. Laying the Dinner-table ... 269
XXXII. Favors and Bonbonni‚res ... 277
XXXIII. Dinner Table Novelites ... 285
XXXIV. Summer Dinners ... 292
XXXV. Luncheons, Informal and Social ... 300
XXXVI. Supper Parties ... 307
XXXVII. Simple Dinners ... 314
XXXVIII. The Small Talk of Society ... 320
XXXIX. Garden Parties ... 328
XL. Silver Weddings and Other Wedding Anniversaries ... 335
XLI. Spring And Summer Entertainments ... 343
XLII. Floral Tributes and Decorations ... 353
XLIII. The Fork and the Spoon ... 359
XLIV. Napkins and Table-cloths ... 364
XLV. Servants, their Dress and Duties ... 371
XLVI. House with One Servant ... 380
XLVII. House with Two Servants ... 886
XLVIII. House with Many Servants ... 394
XLIX. Manners: A Study For The Awkward and the Shy ... 401
L. How To Treat A Guest ... 408
LI. Lady And Gentleman ... 415
LIL The Manners of the Past ... 424
LIII. The Manners of the Optimist ... 484
LIV. The Manners of the Sympathetic ... 441
LV. Certain Questions Answered ... 450
LVI. English Table Manners and Social Usages. ... 457
LVII. American And English Etiquette Contrasted ... 465
LVIII. How To Treat English People ... 473
LIX. A Foreign Table D'H“te, and Casino Life Abroad ... 480




MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.

CHAPTER I.
WOMEN AS LEADERS.

Nothing strikes the foreigner so much (since the days of De
Tocqueville, the first to mention it) as the prominent position of
woman in the best society of America. She has almost no position
in the political world. She is not a leader, an _intrigante_ in
politics, as she is in France. We have no Madame de Stael, no
Princess Belgioso, here to make and unmake our Presidents; but
women do all the social work, which in Europe is done not only by
women, but by young bachelors and old ones, statesmen, princes,
ambassadors, and _attaches_. Officials are connected with every
court whose business it is to visit, write and answer invitations,
leave cards, call, and perform all the multifarious duties of the
social world.

In America, the lady of the house does all this. Her men are all
in business or in pleasure, her sons are at work or off yachting.
They cannot spend time to make their dinner calls--"Mamma, please
leave my cards" is the legend written on their banners.

Thus to women, as the conductors of social politics, is committed
the card--that pasteboard protocol, whose laws are well defined
in every land but our own.

Now, in ten different books on etiquette which we have consulted
we find ten different opinions upon the subject of first calls, as
between two women. We cannot, therefore, presume to decide where
so many doctors disagree, but give the commonly received opinions
as expressed by the customs of New York society.

When should a lady call first upon a new and a desirable
acquaintance? Not hastily. She should have met the new and
desirable acquaintance, should have been properly introduced,
should feel sure that her acquaintance is desired. The oldest
resident, the one most prominent in fashion, should call first;
but, if there is no such distinction, two women need not forever
stand at bay each waiting for the other to call. A very admirable
and polite expedient has been: substituted for a first call in the
sending out of cards, for several days in the month, by a lady who
wishes to begin her social life, we will say, in a new city. These
may or may not be accompanied by the card of some well-known
friend. If these cards bring the desired visits or the cards of
the desired guests, the beginner may feel that she has started on
her society career with no loss of self respect. Those who do not
respond are generally in a minority. Too much haste in making new
acquaintances, however--"pushing," as it is called-cannot be too
much deprecated.

First calls should be returned within a week. If a lady is invited
to any entertainment by a new acquaintance, whether the invitation
come through a friend or not, she should immediately leave cards,
and send either a regret or an acceptance. To lose time in this
matter is a great rudeness. Whether she attend the entertainment
or not, she should call after it within a week. Then, having done
all that is polite, and having shown herself a woman of
good-breeding, she can keep up the acquaintance or not as she
pleases. Sometimes there are reasons why a lady does not wish to
keep up the acquaintance, but she must not, for her own sake, be
oblivious to the politeness extended. Some very rude people in New
York have sent back invitations, or failed to recognize the first
attempt at civility, saying, "We don't know the people." This is
not the way to discourage unpleasant familiarity. In New York,
Boston, and Philadelphia, and in the large cities of the West, and
generally in the country: towns, residents call first upon
new-comers; but in Washington this custom is reversed, and the
new-comer calls first upon the resident. Every one--officials of
the highest down to the lowest grade returns these cards. The
visitor generally finds himself invited to the receptions of the
President and his Cabinet, etc. This arrangement is so convenient
that it is a thousand pities it does not go into operation all
over the country, particularly in those large cities where the
resident cannot know if her dearest friend be in town unless
informed in some such way of the fact.

This does not, as might be supposed, expose society to the
intrusion of unwelcome visitors. Tact, which is the only guide
through the mazes of society, will enable a woman to avoid
anything like an unwelcome intimacy or a doubtful acquaintance,
even if such a person should "call first."

Now the question comes up, and here doctors disagree: When may a
lady call by proxy, or when may she send her card, or when must
she call in person?

After a dinner-party a guest must call in person and inquire if
the hostess is at home. For other entertainments it is allowed, in
New York, that the lady call by proxy, or that she simply send her
card. In sending to inquire for a person's health, cards may be
sent by a servant, with a kindly message.

No first visit should, however, be returned by card only; this
would be considered a slight, unless followed by an invitation.
The size of New York, the great distances, the busy life of a
woman of charities, large family, and immense circle of
acquaintances may render a personal visit almost impossible. She
may be considered to have done her duty if she in her turn asks
her new acquaintance to call on her on a specified day, if she is
not herself able to call.

Bachelors should leave cards (if they ever leave any) on the
master and mistress of the house, and, in America, upon the young
ladies. A gentleman does not turn down the corners of his
card--indeed, that fashion has become almost obsolete, except,
perhaps, where a lady wishes it distinctly understood that she has
called in person. The plainer the card the better. A small, thin
card for a gentleman, not glazed, with his name in small script
and his address well engraved in the corner, is in good taste. A
lady's card should be larger, but not glazed or ornamented in any
way. It is a rule with sticklers for good-breeding that after any
entertainment a gentleman should leave his card in person,
although, as we have said, he often commits it to some feminine
agency.

No gentleman should call on a lady unless she asks him to do so,
or unless he brings a letter of introduction, or unless he is
taken by a lady who is sufficiently intimate to invite him to
call. A lady should say to a gentleman, if she wishes him to call,
"I hope that we shall see you," or, "I am at home on Monday," or
something of that sort. If he receives an invitation to dinner or
to a ball from a stranger, he is bound to send an immediate
answer, call the very next day, leave his card, and then to call
after the entertainment.

This, at least, is foreign etiquette, and we cannot do better than
import it. This rule holds good for the entertainments of
bachelors, who should leave their cards on each other after an
entertainment, unless the intimacy is so great that no card-
leaving is expected.

When a lady returns to town, after an absence in Europe or in the
country, it is strict etiquette that she should leave cards on all
her acquaintances and friends if she expects to entertain or to
lead a gay, social winter; but as distances in our great cities
are formidable, as all ladies do not keep a carriage, as most
ladies have a great deal else to do besides making visits, this
long and troublesome process is sometimes simplified by giving a
tea or a series of teas, which enables the lady, by staying at
home on one evening of a week, or two or three afternoons of a
month, to send out her cards to that effect, and to thus show her
friends that she at least remembers them. As society and
card-leaving thus become rapidly complicated, a lady should have a
visiting-book, into which her list is carefully copied, with
spaces for days and future engagements.

A servant must be taught to receive the cards at the door,
remember messages, and recollect for whom they are left, as it is
not proper in calling upon Mrs. Brown at a private house to write
her name on your card. At a crowded hotel this may be allowed, but
it is not etiquette in visiting at private houses. In returning
visits, observe the exact etiquette of the person who has left the
first card. A call must not be returned with a card only, or a
card by a call. If a person send you a card by post, return a card
by post; if a personal visit is made, return it by a personal
visit; if your acquaintance leave cards only, without inquiring if
you are at home, return the same courtesy. If she has left the
cards of the gentlemen of her family, return those of the
gentlemen of your family.

A young lady's card should almost always be accompanied by that of
her mother or her chaperon. It is well, on her entrance into
society, that the name of the young lady be engraved on her
mother's card. After she has been out a year, she may leave her
own card only. Here American etiquette begins to differ from
English etiquette. In London, on the other hand, no young lady
leaves her card: if she is motherless, her name is engraved
beneath the name of her father, and the card of her chaperon is
left with both until she becomes a maiden lady of somewhat mature
if uncertain age.

It is rare now to see the names of both husband and wife engraved
on one card, as "Mr. and Mrs. Brown." The lady has her own card,
"Mrs. Octavius Brown," or with the addition, "The Misses Brown."
Her husband has his separate card; each of the sons has his own
card. No titles are used on visiting-cards in America, save
military, naval, or judicial ones; and, indeed, many of our most
distinguished judges have had cards printed simply with the name,
without prefix or affix. "Mr. Webster," "Mr. Winthrop," "Henry
Clay" are well-known instances of simplicity. But a woman must
always use the prefix "Mrs." or "Miss." A gentleman may or may not
use the prefix "Mr.," as he pleases, but women must treat
themselves with more respect. No card is less proper than one
which is boldly engraved "Gertrude F. Brown;" it should be "Miss
Gertrude F. Brown."

A married lady always bears her husband's name, during his life,
on her card. Some discussion is now going on as to whether she
should continue to call herself "Mrs. Octavius Brown" or "Mrs.
Mary Brown" after his death. The burden of opinion is in favor of
the latter--particularly as a son may bear his father's name, so
there will be two Mrs. Octavius Browns. No lady wishes to be known
as "old Mrs. Octavius Brown," and as we do not use the convenient
title of Dowager, we may as well take the alternative of the
Christian name. We cannot say "Mrs. Octavius Brown, Jr.," if the
husband has ceased to be a junior. Many married ladies hesitate to
discard the name by which they have always been known. Perhaps the
simple "Mrs. Brown" is the best, after all. No lady should leave
cards upon an unmarried gentleman, except in the case of his
having given entertainments at which ladies were present. Then the
lady of the house should drive to his door with the cards of
herself and family, allowing the footman to leave them.

The young ladies' names, in such a case as this, should be
engraven on their mother's card.

"We have no leisure class," as Henry James says in his brilliant
"International Episode;" but still young men should try to make
time to call on those who entertain them, showing by some sort of
personal attention their gratitude for the politeness shown them.
American young men are, as a rule, very remiss about this matter
of calling on the hostess whose hospitality they accept.

A gentleman should not call on a young lady without asking for her
mother or her chaperon. Nor should he leave cards for her alone,
but always leave one for her mother.

Ladies can, and often do, write informal invitations on the
visiting-card. To teas, readings, and small parties, may be added
the day of reception. It is convenient and proper to send these
cards by post. Everything can be sent by post now, except an
invitation to dinner, and that must always be sent by private
hand, and an answer must be immediately returned in the same
formal manner.

After balls, amateur concerts, theatrical parties, garden-parties,
or "at homes," cards should be left by all invited guests within a
week after the invitation, particularly if the invited guest has
been obliged to decline. These cards may be left without inquiring
for the hostess, if time presses; but it is more polite to inquire
for the hostess, even if it is not her day. If it is her reception
day, it would be rude not to inquire, enter, and pay a personal
visit. After a dinner, one must inquire for the hostess and pay a
personal visit. It is necessary to mention this fact, because so
many ladies have got into the habit (having large acquaintances)
of leaving or sending cards in by a footman, without inquiring for
the hostess (who is generally not at home), that there has grown
up a confusion, which leads to offence being taken where none is
meant.

It is not considered necessary to leave cards after a tea. A lady
leaves her cards as she enters the hall, pays her visit, and the
etiquette of a visiting acquaintance is thus established for a
year. She should, however, give a tea herself, asking all her
entertainers.

If a lady has been invited to a tea or other entertainment through
a friend without having known her hostess, she is bound to call
soon; but if the invitation is not followed up by a return card or
another invitation, she must understand that the acquaintance is
at an end. She may, however, invite her new friend, within a
reasonable time, to some entertainment at her own house, and if
that is accepted, the acquaintance goes on. It is soon ascertained
by a young woman who begins life in a new city whether her new
friends intend to be friendly or the reverse. A resident of a town
or village can call, with propriety, on any new-comer. The
newcomer must return this call; but, if she does not desire a
further acquaintance, this can be the end of it. The time of
calling must in every town be settled by the habits of the place;
after two o'clock and before six is, however, generally safe.

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