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Manners and Social Usages

M >> Mrs. John M. E. W. Sherwood >> Manners and Social Usages




Wedding presents, if shown, will be in the second-story front
room, spread on tables and surrounded by flowers. Some brides will
give an afternoon tea the day before to show the presents to a few
intimate friends. Each present will bear the name of the giver on
his or her card.

One bride intends to make a most original innovation. Instead of
going immediately out of town, she will remain at home and attend
the Bachelors' Ball, in the evening, leaving for Philadelphia at
three in the morning. At several of the church weddings the guests
are only bidden there; there will be no reception.

Widows who are to be married again should be reminded that they
can neither have wedding favors nor wear a veil or orange
blossoms. A widow bride should wear a bonnet, she should have no
bridesmaids, and a peach-blossom silk or velvet is a very pretty
dress. At a certain up-town wedding all the gentlemen will wear a
wedding favor excepting the groom. He always wears only a flower.

Wedding favors should be made of white ribbon and silver leaves.
Large bouquets of white flowers should ornament the ears of the
horses and the coats of the coachmen and footmen.

It is a matter of taste whether the bride wears her gloves to the
altar or whether she goes up with uncovered hands. "High-Church"
brides prefer the latter custom, The bride carries a prayer-book,
if she prefers, instead of a bouquet. The Holy Communion is
administered to the married pair if they desire it.

One correspondent inquires, "Who should be asked to a wedding?" We
should say all your visiting list, or none. There is an unusual
feeling about being left out at a wedding, and no explanation that
it is "a small and not general invitation" seems to satisfy those
who are thus passed over. It is much better to offend no one on so
important an occasion.

Wedding cards and wedding stationery have not altered at all. The
simple styles are the best. The bridal linen should be marked with
the maiden name of the bride.

If brides could only find out some way to let their friends know
where they are to be found after marriage it, would be a great
convenience.

The newest style of engagement ring is a diamond and a ruby, or a
diamond and a sapphire, set at right angles or diagonally. Bangles
with the bridal monogram set in jewels are very pretty, and a
desirable ornament for the bridesmaids' gifts, serving as a
memento and a particularly neat ornament. They seem to have
entirely superseded the locket. The bride's name cut in silver or
gold serves for a lace pin, and is quite effective.

CHAPTER XI.
SUMMER WEDDINGS.

A new fashion in the engraving of the wedding note-paper is the
first novelty of the early summer wedding. The card is entirely
discarded, and sheets of note-paper, with the words of the
invitation in _very fine_ running script, are now universally
used, without crests or ciphers. We are glad to see that the very
respectful form of invitation, "Mr. and Mrs. John H. Brown request
the honor of your presence," etc., is returning to fashionable
favor. It never should have gone out. Nothing is more
self-respecting than respect, and when we ask our friends to visit
us we can well afford to be unusually courteous. The brief, curt,
and not too friendly announcement, "Mr. and Mrs. John H. Brown
request your presence," etc., etc., may well yield to the much
more elegant and formal compliment.

From high social authority in New York we have an invitation much
simpler and more cordial, also worthy of imitation: "Mr. and Mrs.
Winslow Appleblossom request the pleasure of your company at the
wedding reception of their daughter, on Tuesday afternoon June the
sixteenth." This is without cards or names, presuming that the
latter will follow later on.

Another very comprehensive and useful announcement of a wedding,
from a lady living out of town, conveys, however, on one sheet of
paper the desired information of where to find the bride:

_Mrs. Seth Osborne
announces the marriage of her daughter
Margu‚rite
to
Mr. Joseph Wendon,
on
Wednesday, September the ninth,
at
Bristol, Connecticut.

At Home after January first,
at 758 Wood Street._

This card of announcement is a model of conciseness, and answers
the oft-repeated question, "Where shall we go to find the married
couple next winter?"

In arranging the house for the spring wedding the florists have
hit upon a new device of having only _one_ flower in masses; so we
hear of the apple-blossom wedding, the lilac wedding, the lily
wedding, the rose wedding and the daffodil wedding, the violet
wedding, and the daisy wedding. So well has this been carried out
that at a recent daisy wedding the bride's lace and diamond
ornaments bore the daisy pattern, and each bridesmaid received a
daisy pin with diamond centre.

This fashion of massing a single flower has its advantages when
that flower is the beautiful feathery lilac, as ornamental as a
plume; but it is not to be commended when flowers are as sombre as
the violet, which nowadays suggests funerals. Daffodils are lovely
and original, and apple-blossoms make a hall in a Queen Anne
mansion very decorative. No one needs to be told that roses look
better for being massed, and it is a pretty conceit for a bride to
make the flower which was the ornament of her wedding _her_ flower
for life.

The passion for little girls as bridesmaids receives much
encouragement at the spring and summer weddings. One is reminded
of the children weddings of the fifteenth century, as these
darlings, wearing Kate Greenaway hats, walk up the aisle,
preceding the bride. The young brother of the bride, a mere boy,
who, in the fatherless condition of his sister, recently gave her
away, also presented a touching picture. It has become a fashion
now to invoke youth as well as age to give the blessings once
supposed to be alone at the beck and call of those whom Time had
sanctified.

The bridal dresses are usually of white satin and point lace, a
preference for tulle veils being very evident. A pin for the veil,
with a diamond ornament, and five large diamonds hanging by little
chains, makes a very fine effect, and is a novelty. The groom at a
recent wedding gave cat's-eyes set round with diamonds to his
ushers for scarf pins, the cat's-eye being considered a very lucky
stone.

The ushers and the groom wear very large _boutonnieres_ of
stephanotis and gardenias, or equally large bunches of
lilies-of-the-valley, in their button-holes.

At one of the country weddings of the spring a piper in full
Scotch costume discoursed most eloquent music on the lawn during
the wedding ceremony. This was a compliment to the groom, who is a
captain in a Highland regiment.

A prevailing fashion for wedding presents is to give heavy pieces
of furniture, such as sideboards, writing-tables, cabinets, and
pianos.

A favorite dress for travelling is heliotrope cashmere, with
bonnet to match. For a dark bride nothing is more becoming than
dark blue tailormade with white vest and sailor collar. Gray
cashmere with steel passementerie has also been much in vogue. A
light gray mohair, trimmed with lace of the same color, was also
much admired.

We have mentioned the surroundings of the brides, but have not
spoken of the background. A screen hung with white and purple
lilacs formed the background of one fair bride, a hanging curtain
of Jacque-minot roses formed the appropriate setting of another.
Perhaps the most regal of these floral screens was one formed of
costly orchids, each worth a fortune. One of the most beautiful of
the spring wedding dresses was made of cream-white satin over a
tulle petticoat, the tulle being held down by a long diagonal band
of broad pearl embroidery, the satin train trimmed with bows of
ribbon in true-lovers' knots embroidered in seed-pearls; a shower
of white lilacs trimmed one side of the skirt.

Another simple dress was made of white silk, trimmed with old
Venetian point, the train of striped ivory point and white satin
depending _… la_ Watteau from the shoulders, and fastened at the
point of the waist. At the side three large pleats formed a
drapery, which was fringed with orange-blossoms.

From England we hear of the most curious combinations as to
travelling-dresses. Biscuit-colored canvas, embroidered around the
polonaise in green and gold, while the skirt is edged with a broad
band of green velvet. The new woollen laces of all colors make a
very good effect in the "going-away dress" of a bride.

We are often asked by summer brides whether they should wear
bonnets or round hats for their travelling-dress. We
unhesitatingly say bonnets. A very pretty wedding bonnet is made
of lead-colored beads without foundation, light and transparent;
strings of red velvet and a bunch of red plums complete this
bonnet. Gold-colored straw, trimmed with gold-brown velvet and
black net, makes a pretty travelling-bonnet. Open-work black straw
trimmed with black lace and red roses, very high in the crown,
with a "split front," is a very becoming and appropriate bonnet
for a spring costume.

A pretty dress for the child bridemaids is a pink faille slip
covered with dotted muslin, not tied in at the waist, and the
broadest of high Gainsborough hats of pale pink silk with immense
bows, from the well-known pictures of Gainsborough's pretty women.

But if a summer bride must travel in a bonnet, there is no reason
that her trousseau should not contain a large Leghorn hat, the
straw caught up on the back in long loops, the spaces between
filled in with bows of heliotrope ribbon. The crown should be
covered with white ostrich tips. This is a very becoming hat for a
lawn party.

It would be a charming addition to our well-known and somewhat
worn-out Wedding-March, always played as the bride walks up the
aisle, if a chorus of choir boys would sing an epithalamium, as is
now done in England. These fresh young voices hailing the youthful
couple would be in keeping with the child bridesmaids and the
youthful brothers. Nay, they would suggest those frescoes of the
Italian villas where Hymen and Cupid, two immortal boys, always
precede the happy pair.

It is a pleasant part of weddings everywhere that the faithful
domestics who have loved the bride from childhood are expected to
assist by their presence at the ceremony, each wearing a wedding
favor made by the fair hand of the bride herself. An amusing
anecdote is told of a Yorkshire coachman, who, newly arrived in
America, was to drive the bride to church. Not knowing him,
particularly as he was a new addition to the force, the bride sent
him his favor by the hands of her maid. But Yorkshire decided
stoutly against receiving such a vicarious offering, and remarked,
"Tell she I'd rather 'ave it from she." And so "she" was obliged
to come down and affix the favor to his livery coat, or he would
have resigned the "ribbons." The nurses, the cook, the maids, and
the men-servants in England always expect a wedding favor and a
small gratuity at a wedding, and in this country should be
remembered by a box of cake, and possibly by a new dress, cap, or
bonnet, or something to recall the day.

The plan of serving the refreshments at a buffet all through the
reception retains its place as the most convenient and appropriate
of forms. The wedding breakfast, where toasts are drunk and
speeches made, is practicable in England, but hardly here, where
we are not to the manner born. The old trained domestics who serve
such a feast can not be invented at will in America, so that it is
better to allow our well-filled tables to remain heavily laden, as
they are, with dainties which defy competition, served by a corps
of waiters.

The pretty plan of cutting the bride cake and hunting for a ring
has been long exploded, as the bridesmaids declare that it ruins
their gloves, and that in these days of eighteen buttons it is too
much trouble to take off and put on a glove for the sake of
finding a ring in a bit of greasy pastry. However, it might
supplement a wedding supper.

CHAPTER XII.
AUTUMN WEDDINGS.

The first thing which strikes the eye of the fortunate person who
is invited to see the bridal gifts is the predominance of
silver-ware. We have now passed the age of bronze and that of
brass, and silver holds the first place of importance. Not only
the coffee and tea sets, but the dinner sets and the whole
furniture of the writing-table, and even brooms and brushes, are
made with repouss‚ silver handles--the last, of course, for the
toilette, as for dusting velvet, feathers, bonnets, etc.

The oxidized, ugly, discolored silver is not so fashionable as it
was, and the beautiful, bright, highly polished silver, with its
own natural and unmatchable color, has come in. The salvers afford
a splendid surface for a monogram, which is now copied from the
old Dutch silver, and bears many a true-lovers' knot, and every
sort and kind of ornamentation; sometimes even a little verse, or
posy, as it was called in olden time. One tea-caddy at a recent
wedding bore the following almost obsolete rhyme, which Corydon
might have sent to Phyllis in pastoral times:

"My heart to you is given;
Oh do give yours to me:
We'll lock them up together,
And throw away the key."

It should be added that the silver tea-caddy was in the shape of a
heart, and that it had a key. Very dear to the heart of a
housewife is the tea-caddy which can be locked.

Another unique present was a gold tea scoop of ancient pattern,
probably once a baby's pap spoon. There were also apostle-spoons,
and little silver canoes and other devices to hold cigarettes and
ashes; little mysterious boxes for the toilette, to hold the tongs
for curling hair, and hair-pins; mirror frames, and even
chair-backs and tables--all of silver.

Several beautiful umbrellas, with all sorts of handles, recalled
the anecdote of the man who said he first saw his wife in a storm,
married her in a storm, lived with her in a hurricane, but buried
her in pleasant weather; parasols with jewelled handles, and
beautiful painted fans, are also favorite offerings to the newly
married.

Friends conspire to make their offerings together, so that there
may be no duplicates, and no pieces in the silver service which do
not match. This is a very excellent plan. Old pieces like silver
tankards, Queen Anne silver, and the ever beautiful Baltimore
workmanship, are highly prized.

It is no longer the fashion to display the presents at the
wedding. They are arranged in an upper room, and shown to a few
friends of the bride the day before the ceremony. Nor is it the
fashion for the bride to wear many jewels. These are reserved for
her first appearance as a married woman.

Clusters of diamond stars, daisies, or primroses that can be
grouped together are now favorite gifts. In this costly gift
several friends join again, as in the silver presentation. Diamond
bracelets that can be used as necklaces are also favorite
presents. All sorts of vases, bits of china, cloisonn‚, clocks
(although there is not such a stampede of clocks and lamps as a
few years ago), choice etchings framed, and embroidered
table-cloths, doyleys, and useful coverings for bureau and
wash-stands, are in order.

The bride now prefers simplicity in her dress--splendid and costly
simplicity. An elegant white-satin and a tulle veil, the latter
very full, the former extremely long and with a sweeping train,
high corsage, and long sleeves, long white gloves, and perhaps a
flower in the hair--such is the latest fashion for an autumn
bride. The young ladies say they prefer that their magnificence
should wait for the days after marriage, when their jewels can be
worn. There is great sense in this, for a bride is interesting
enough when she is simply attired.

The solemnization of the marriage should be in a church, and a
high ecclesiastical functionary should be asked to solemnize it.
The guests are brought in by the ushers, who, by the way, now wear
pearl-colored kid-gloves, embroidered in black, as do the groom
and best man. The front seats are reserved for the relatives and
intimate friends, and the head usher has a paper on which are
written the names of people entitled to these front seats. The
seats thus reserved have a white ribbon as a line of demarcation.
Music should usher in the bride.

The fashion of bridesmaids has gone out temporarily, and one
person, generally a sister, alone accompanies the bride to the
altar as her female aid. The bride, attended by her father or near
friend, comes in last, after the ushers. After her mother, sister,
and family have preceded her, these near relatives group
themselves about the altar steps. Her sister, or one bridesmaid,
stands near her at the altar rail, and kneels with her and the
bridegroom, as does the best man. The groom takes his bride from
the hand of her father or nearest friend, who then retires and
stands a little behind the bridal pair. He must be near enough to
respond quickly when he hears the words, "Who giveth this woman to
be married to this man?" The bride and groom walk out together
after the ceremony, followed by the nearest relatives, and proceed
to the home where the wedding breakfast is served. Here the bridal
pair stand under an arch of autumn-leaves, golden-rod, asters, and
other seasonable flowers, and receive their friends, who are
presented by the ushers.

The father and mother do not take any stated position on this
occasion, but mingle with the guests, and form a part of the
company. In an opulent countryhouse, if the day is fine, little
tables are set out on the lawn, the ladies seat themselves around,
and the gentlemen carry the refreshments to them; or the piazzas
are beautifully decorated with autumn boughs and ferns, flowers,
evergreens, and the refreshments are served there. If it is a bad
day, of course the usual arrangements of a crowded buffet are in
order; there is no longer a "sit-down" wedding breakfast; it does
not suit our American ideas, as recent experiments have proved. We
have many letters asking if the gentlemen of the bride's family
should wear gloves. They should, and, as we have indicated, they
should be of pearl-colored kid, embroidered in the seams with
black.

The one bridesmaid must be dressed in colors. At a recent very
fashionable wedding the bridesmaid wore bright buttercup yellow, a
real Directoire dress, white lace skirt, yellow bodice, hat
trimmed with yellow--a very picturesque, pretty costume. The silk
stockings and slippers were of yellow, the hat of Leghorn, very
large, turned up at one side, yellow plumes, and long streamers of
yellow-velvet ribbon. Yellow is now esteemed a favorite color and
a fortunate one. It once was deemed the synonym for envy, but that
has passed away.

The carrying of an ivory prayer-book was found to be attended with
inconvenience, therefore was discontinued. Still, if a young lady
wishes to have her prayer-book associated with her vows at the
altar, she can properly carry it. Brides are, however, leaving
their bouquets at home, as the immense size of a modern bouquet
interfered with the giving and taking of the ring.

A very pretty bit of ornamentation for an autumn wedding is the
making of a piece of tapestry of autumn leaves to hang behind the
bride as she receives. This can be done by sewing the leaves on a
piece of drugget on which some artist has drawn a clever sketch
with chalk and charcoal. We have seen some really elaborate and
artistic groups done in this way by earnest and unselfish girl
friends. Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet and Ophelia, Tristan and Iseult,
can thus be made to serve as decorations.

The walls of the church can, of course, be exquisitely decorated
with palms in an Oriental pattern, flowers, and leaves. The season
is one when nature's bounty is so profuse that even the fruits can
be pressed into service. Care should be taken not to put too many
tuberoses about, for the perfume is sickening to some.

The engagement ring should be worn on the third finger of the left
hand. It should have a solitaire stone--either a diamond or a
colored stone. Colored stones and diamonds, set diagonally, as a
sapphire and a diamond, are also worn; but not a pearl, as,
according to the German idea, "pearls are tears for a bride." The
wedding ring is entirely different, being merely a plain gold
ring, not very wide nor a square band, as it was a few years
since, and the engagement ring is worn as a guard above the
wedding ring. It is not usual for the bride expectant to give a
ring to her intended husband, but many girls like to give an
engagement gift to their betrothed. Inside the engagement ring is
the date of the engagement and the initials of each of the
contracting parties. The wedding ring has the date of the marriage
and the initials.

If the marriage takes place at home, the bride and groom enter
together, and take their place before the clergyman, who has
already entered; then come the father and mother and other
friends. A pair of hassocks should be arranged for the bridal pair
to kneel upon, and the father should be near to allow the
clergyman to see him when he asks for his authority.

For autumn weddings nothing is so pretty for the travelling-dress
as a tailor-made costume of very light cloth, with sacque to match
for a cold day. No travelling-dress should of itself be too heavy,
as our railway carriages are kept so very warm.

We have been asked to define the meaning of the word "honeymoon."
It comes from the Germans, who drank mead, or metheglin--a
beverage made of honey--for thirty days after the wedding.

The bride-cake is no longer cut and served at weddings; the
present of cake in boxes has superseded that. At the wedding
breakfast the ices are now packed in fancy boxes, which bear
nuptial mottoes and orange-blossoms and violets on their surfaces.
As the ring is the expressive emblem of the perpetuity of the
compact, and as the bride-cake and customary libations form
significant symbols of the nectar sweets of matrimony, it will not
do to banish the cake altogether, although few people eat it, and
few wish to carry it away.

Among the Romans, June was considered the most propitious month
for marriage; but with the Anglo-Saxons October has always been a
favorite and auspicious season. We find that the festival has
always been observed in very much the same way, whether druidical,
pagan, or Christian.

We have been asked, Who shall conduct the single bridesmaid to the
altar? It should be the brother of the groom, her own _fianc‚_, or
some chosen friend--never the best man; he does not leave his
friend the groom until he sees him fairly launched on that hopeful
but uncertain sea whose reverses and whose smiles are being
constantly tempted.

"That man must lead a happy life
Who is directed by a wife.
Who's freed from matrimonial claims
Is sure to suffer for his pains."

This is a "posy" for some October silver.

CHAPTER XIII.
BEFORE THE WEDDING AND AFTER.

The reception of an engaged girl by the family of her future
husband should be most cordial, and no time should be lost in
giving her a warm welcome. It is the moment of all others when she
will feet such a welcome most gratefully, and when any neglect
will be certain to give her the keenest unhappiness.

It is the fashion for the mother of the groom to invite both the
family of the expectant bride and herself to a dinner as soon as
possible after the formal announcement of the engagement. The two
families should meet and should make friendships at once. This is
important.

It is to these near relatives that the probable date of the
wedding-day is first whispered, in time to allow of much
consultation and preparation in the selection of wedding gifts. In
opulent families each has sometimes given the young couple a
silver dinner service and much silver besides, and the rooms of
the bride's father's house look like a jeweller's shop when the
presents are shown. All the magnificent ormolu ornaments for the
chimney-piece, handsome clocks and lamps, fans in large
quantities, spoons, forks by the hundred, and of late years the
fine gilt ornaments, furniture, camel's-hair shawls,
bracelets--all are piled up in most admired confusion. And when
the invitations are out, then come in the outer world with their
more hastily procured gifts; rare specimens of china, little
paintings, ornaments for the person--all, all are in order.

A present is generally packed where it is bought, and sent with
the giver's card from the shop to the bride directly. She should
always acknowledge its arrival by a personal note written by
herself. A young bride once gave mortal offence by not thus
acknowledging her gifts. She said she had so many that she could
not find time to write the notes, which was naturally considered
boastful and most ungracious.

Gifts which owe their value to the personal taste or industry of
the friend who sends are particularly complimentary. A piece of
embroidery, a painting, a water-color, are most flattering gifts,
as they betoken a long and predetermined interest.

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