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Autobiography of a YOGI

P >> Paramhansa Yogananda >> Autobiography of a YOGI




My hand in his, my guru led me to his temporary residence in the
Rana Mahal section of the city. His athletic figure moved with firm
tread. Tall, erect, about fifty-five at this time, he was active
and vigorous as a young man. His dark eyes were large, beautiful with
plumbless wisdom. Slightly curly hair softened a face of striking
power. Strength mingled subtly with gentleness.

As we made our way to the stone balcony of a house overlooking the
Ganges, he said affectionately:

"I will give you my hermitages and all I possess."

"Sir, I come for wisdom and God-contact. Those are your treasure-troves
I am after!"

The swift Indian twilight had dropped its half-curtain before my
master spoke again. His eyes held unfathomable tenderness.

"I give you my unconditional love."

Precious words! A quarter-century elapsed before I had another
auricular proof of his love. His lips were strange to ardor; silence
became his oceanic heart.

"Will you give me the same unconditional love?" He gazed at me with
childlike trust.

"I will love you eternally, Gurudeva!"

"Ordinary love is selfish, darkly rooted in desires and satisfactions.
Divine love is without condition, without boundary, without change.
The flux of the human heart is gone forever at the transfixing touch
of pure love." He added humbly, "If ever you find me falling from
a state of God-realization, please promise to put my head on your
lap and help to bring me back to the Cosmic Beloved we both worship."

He rose then in the gathering darkness and guided me to an inner
room. As we ate mangoes and almond sweetmeats, he unobtrusively
wove into his conversation an intimate knowledge of my nature. I
was awe-struck at the grandeur of his wisdom, exquisitely blended
with an innate humility.

"Do not grieve for your amulet. It has served its purpose." Like
a divine mirror, my guru apparently had caught a reflection of my
whole life.

"The living reality of your presence, Master, is joy beyond any
symbol."

"It is time for a change, inasmuch as you are unhappily situated
in the hermitage."

I had made no references to my life; they now seemed superfluous!
By his natural, unemphatic manner, I understood that he wished no
astonished ejaculations at his clairvoyance.

"You should go back to Calcutta. Why exclude relatives from your
love of humanity?"

His suggestion dismayed me. My family was predicting my return,
though I had been unresponsive to many pleas by letter. "Let the
young bird fly in the metaphysical skies," Ananta had remarked.
"His wings will tire in the heavy atmosphere. We shall yet see him
swoop toward home, fold his pinions, and humbly rest in our family
nest." This discouraging simile fresh in my mind, I was determined
to do no "swooping" in the direction of Calcutta.

"Sir, I am not returning home. But I will follow you anywhere.
Please give me your address, and your name."

"Swami Sri Yukteswar Giri. My chief hermitage is in Serampore, on
Rai Ghat Lane. I am visiting my mother here for only a few days."

I wondered at God's intricate play with His devotees. Serampore is
but twelve miles from Calcutta, yet in those regions I had never
caught a glimpse of my guru. We had had to travel for our meeting
to the ancient city of Kasi (Benares), hallowed by memories of
Lahiri Mahasaya. Here too the feet of Buddha, Shankaracharya and
other Yogi--Christs had blessed the soil.

"You will come to me in four weeks." For the first time, Sri
Yukteswar's voice was stern. "Now I have told my eternal affection,
and have shown my happiness at finding you-that is why you disregard
my request. The next time we meet, you will have to reawaken my
interest: I won't accept you as a disciple easily. There must be
complete surrender by obedience to my strict training."

I remained obstinately silent. My guru easily penetrated my
difficulty.

"Do you think your relatives will laugh at you?"

"I will not return."

"You will return in thirty days."

"Never." Bowing reverently at his feet, I departed without lightening
the controversial tension. As I made my way in the midnight darkness,
I wondered why the miraculous meeting had ended on an inharmonious
note. The dual scales of MAYA, that balance every joy with a grief!
My young heart was not yet malleable to the transforming fingers
of my guru.

The next morning I noticed increased hostility in the attitude
of the hermitage members. My days became spiked with invariable
rudeness. In three weeks, Dyananda left the ashram to attend a
conference in Bombay; pandemonium broke over my hapless head.

"Mukunda is a parasite, accepting hermitage hospitality without
making proper return." Overhearing this remark, I regretted for the
first time that I had obeyed the request to send back my money to
Father. With heavy heart, I sought out my sole friend, Jitendra.

"I am leaving. Please convey my respectful regrets to Dyanandaji
when he returns."

"I will leave also! My attempts to meditate here meet with no more
favor than your own." Jitendra spoke with determination.

"I have met a Christlike saint. Let us visit him in Serampore."

And so the "bird" prepared to "swoop" perilously close to Calcutta!

{FN10-1} SANSKRITA, polished; complete. Sanskrit is the eldest
sister of all Indo-European tongues. Its alphabetical script is
DEVANAGARI, literally "divine abode." "Who knows my grammar knows
God!" Panini, great philologist of ancient India, paid this tribute
to the mathematical and psychological perfection in Sanskrit. He
who would track language to its lair must indeed end as omniscient.

{FN10-2} He was not Jatinda (Jotin Ghosh), who will be remembered
for his timely aversion to tigers!

{FN10-3} Path or preliminary road to God.

{FN10-4} Hindu scriptures teach that family attachment is delusive
if it prevents the devotee from seeking the Giver of all boons,
including the one of loving relatives, not to mention life itself.
Jesus similarly taught: "Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?"
(MATTHEW 12:48.)

{FN10-5} JI is a customary respectful suffix, particularly used
in direct address; thus "swamiji," "guruji," "Sri Yukteswarji,"
"paramhansaji."

{FN10-6} Pertaining to the SHASTRAS, literally, "sacred books,"
comprising four classes of scripture: the SHRUTI, SMRITI, PURANA,
and TANTRA. These comprehensive treatises cover every aspect
of religious and social life, and the fields of law, medicine,
architecture, art, etc. The SHRUTIS are the "directly heard" or
"revealed" scriptures, the VEDAS. The SMRITIS or "remembered" lore
was finally written down in a remote past as the world's longest
epic poems, the MAHABHARATA and the RAMAYANA. PURANAS are literally
"ancient" allegories; TANTRAS literally mean "rites" or "rituals";
these treatises convey profound truths under a veil of detailed
symbolism.

{FN10-7} "Divine teacher," the customary Sanskrit term for one's
spiritual preceptor. I have rendered it in English as simply
"Master."



CHAPTER: 11

TWO PENNILESS BOYS IN BRINDABAN

"It would serve you right if Father disinherited you, Mukunda! How
foolishly you are throwing away your life!" An elder-brother sermon
was assaulting my ears.

Jitendra and I, fresh from the train (a figure of speech merely;
we were covered with dust), had just arrived at the home of Ananta,
recently transferred from Calcutta to the ancient city of Agra.
Brother was a supervising accountant for the Bengal-Nagpur Railway.

"You well know, Ananta, I seek my inheritance from the Heavenly
Father."

"Money first; God can come later! Who knows? Life may be too long."

"God first; money is His slave! Who can tell? Life may be too
short."

My retort was summoned by the exigencies of the moment, and held
no presentiment. Yet the leaves of time unfolded to early finality
for Ananta; a few years later {FN11-1} he entered the land where
bank notes avail neither first nor last.

"Wisdom from the hermitage, I suppose! But I see you have left
Benares." Ananta's eyes gleamed with satisfaction; he yet hoped to
secure my pinions in the family nest.

"My sojourn in Benares was not in vain! I found there everything my
heart had been longing for! You may be sure it was not your pundit
or his son!"

Ananta joined me in reminiscent laughter; he had had to admit that
the Benares "clairvoyant" he selected was a shortsighted one.

"What are your plans, my wandering brother?"

"Jitendra persuaded me to Agra. We shall view the beauties of the
Taj Mahal {FN11-2} here," I explained. "Then we are going to my
newly-found guru, who has a hermitage in Serampore."

Ananta hospitably arranged for our comfort. Several times during
the evening I noticed his eyes fixed on me reflectively.

"I know that look!" I thought. "A plot is brewing!"

The denouement took place during our early breakfast.

"So you feel quite independent of Father's wealth." Ananta's gaze
was innocent as he resumed the barbs of yesterday's conversation.

"I am conscious of my dependence on God."

"Words are cheap! Life has shielded you thus far! What a plight
if you were forced to look to the Invisible Hand for your food and
shelter! You would soon be begging on the streets!"

"Never! I would not put faith in passers-by rather than God! He can
devise for His devotee a thousand resources besides the begging-bowl!"

"More rhetoric! Suppose I suggest that your vaunted philosophy be
put to a test in this tangible world?"


"I would agree! Do you confine God to a speculative world?"

"We shall see; today you shall have opportunity either to enlarge
or to confirm my own views!" Ananta paused for a dramatic moment;
then spoke slowly and seriously.

"I propose that I send you and your fellow disciple Jitendra this
morning to the near-by city of Brindaban. You must not take a
single rupee; you must not beg, either for food or money; you must
not reveal your predicament to anyone; you must not go without your
meals; and you must not be stranded in Brindaban. If you return
to my bungalow here before twelve o'clock tonight, without having
broken any rule of the test, I shall be the most astonished man in
Agra!"

"I accept the challenge." No hesitation was in my words or in
my heart. Grateful memories flashed of the Instant Beneficence:
my healing of deadly cholera through appeal to Lahiri Mahasaya's
picture; the playful gift of the two kites on the Lahore roof with
Uma; the opportune amulet amidst my discouragement; the decisive
message through the unknown Benares SADHU outside the compound of
the pundit's home; the vision of Divine Mother and Her majestic
words of love; Her swift heed through Master Mahasaya to my trifling
embarrassments; the last-minute guidance which materialized my
high school diploma; and the ultimate boon, my living Master from
the mist of lifelong dreams. Never could I admit my "philosophy"
unequal to any tussle on the world's harsh proving ground!

"Your willingness does you credit. I'll escort you to the train
at once." Ananta turned to the openmouthed Jitendra. "You must go
along as a witness and, very likely, a fellow victim!"

A half hour later Jitendra and I were in possession of one-way
tickets for our impromptu trip. We submitted, in a secluded corner
of the station, to a search of our persons. Ananta was quickly
satisfied that we were carrying no hidden hoard; our simple DHOTIS
{FN11-3} concealed nothing more than was necessary.

As faith invaded the serious realms of finance, my friend spoke
protestingly. "Ananta, give me one or two rupees as a safeguard.
Then I can telegraph you in case of misfortune."

"Jitendra!" My ejaculation was sharply reproachful. "I will not
proceed with the test if you take any money as final security."

"There is something reassuring about the clink of coins." Jitendra
said no more as I regarded him sternly.

"Mukunda, I am not heartless." A hint of humility had crept into
Ananta's voice. It may be that his conscience was smiting him;
perhaps for sending two insolvent boys to a strange city; perhaps
for his own religious skepticism. "If by any chance or grace you
pass successfully through the Brindaban ordeal, I shall ask you to
initiate me as your disciple."

This promise had a certain irregularity, in keeping with the
unconventional occasion. The eldest brother in an Indian family
seldom bows before his juniors; he receives respect and obedience
second only to a father. But no time remained for my comment; our
train was at point of departure.

Jitendra maintained a lugubrious silence as our train covered the
miles. Finally he bestirred himself; leaning over, he pinched me
painfully at an awkward spot.

"I see no sign that God is going to supply our next meal!"

"Be quiet, doubting Thomas; the Lord is working with us."

"Can you also arrange that He hurry? Already I am famished merely
at the prospect before us. I left Benares to view the Taj's mausoleum,
not to enter my own!"

"Cheer up, Jitendra! Are we not to have our first glimpse of the
sacred wonders of Brindaban? {FN11-4} I am in deep joy at thought
of treading the ground hallowed by feet of Lord Krishna."

The door of our compartment opened; two men seated themselves. The
next train stop would be the last.

"Young lads, do you have friends in Brindaban?" The stranger opposite
me was taking a surprising interest.

"None of your business!" Rudely I averted my gaze.

"You are probably flying away from your families under the enchantment
of the Stealer of Hearts. {FN11-5} I am of devotional temperament
myself. I will make it my positive duty to see that you receive
food, and shelter from this overpowering heat."

"No, sir, let us alone. You are very kind; but you are mistaken in
judging us to be truants from home."

No further conversation ensued; the train came to a halt. As Jitendra
and I descended to the platform, our chance companions linked arms
with us and summoned a horse cab.

We alit before a stately hermitage, set amidst the evergreen trees
of well-kept grounds. Our benefactors were evidently known here; a
smiling lad led us without comment to a parlor. We were soon joined
by an elderly woman of dignified bearing.

"Gauri Ma, the princes could not come." One of the men addressed
the ashram hostess. "At the last moment their plans went awry; they
send deep regrets. But we have brought two other guests. As soon
as we met on the train, I felt drawn to them as devotees of Lord
Krishna."

[Illustration: (Left to Right) Jitendra Mazumdar, my companion
on the "penniless test" at Brindaban; Lalit-da, my cousin; Swami
Kebelananda ("Shastri Mahasaya"), my saintly Sanskrit tutor; myself,
as a high school youth--see friends.jpg]

[Illustration: Ananda Moyi Ma, the Bengali "Joy-Permeated Mother."--see
amoyima.jpg]

[Illustration: One of the caves occupied by Babaji in the Drongiri
Mountains near Ranikhet in the Himalayas. A grandson of Lahiri
Mahasaya, Ananda Mohan Lahiri (second from right, in white), and
three other devotees are visiting the sacred spot.--see cave.jpg]

"Good-by, young friends." Our two acquaintances walked to the door.
"We shall meet again, if God be willing."

"You are welcome here." Gauri Ma smiled in motherly fashion on her
two unexpected charges. "You could not have come on a better day.
I was expecting two royal patrons of this hermitage. What a shame
if my cooking had found none to appreciate it!"

These appetizing words had disastrous effect on Jitendra: he burst
into tears. The "prospect" he had feared in Brindaban was turning
out as royal entertainment; his sudden mental adjustment proved
too much for him. Our hostess looked at him with curiosity, but
without remark; perhaps she was familiar with adolescent quirks.

Lunch was announced; Gauri Ma led the way to a dining patio, spicy
with savory odors. She vanished into an adjoining kitchen.

I had been premeditating this moment. Selecting the appropriate
spot on Jitendra's anatomy, I administered a pinch as resounding
as the one he had given me on the train.

"Doubting Thomas, the Lord works-in a hurry, too!"

The hostess reentered with a PUNKHA. She steadily fanned us in the
Oriental fashion as we squatted on ornate blanket-seats. Ashram
disciples passed to and fro with some thirty courses. Rather than
"meal," the description can only be "sumptuous repast." Since
arriving on this planet, Jitendra and I had never before tasted
such delicacies.

"Dishes fit for princes indeed, Honored Mother! What your royal
patrons could have found more urgent than attending this banquet,
I cannot imagine! You have given us a memory for a lifetime!"

Silenced as we were by Ananta's requirement, we could not explain
to the gracious lady that our thanks held a double significance.
Our sincerity at least was patent. We departed with her blessing
and an attractive invitation to revisit the hermitage.

The heat outdoors was merciless. My friend and I made for the
shelter of a lordly cadamba tree at the ashram gate. Sharp words
followed; once again Jitendra was beset with misgivings.

"A fine mess you have got me into! Our luncheon was only accidental
good fortune! How can we see the sights of this city, without a
single pice between us? And how on earth are you going to take me
back to Ananta's?"

"You forget God quickly, now that your stomach is filled." My words,
not bitter, were accusatory. How short is human memory for divine
favors! No man lives who has not seen certain of his prayers granted.

"I am not likely to forget my folly in venturing out with a madcap
like you!"

"Be quiet, Jitendra! The same Lord who fed us will show us Brindaban,
and return us to Agra."

A slight young man of pleasing countenance approached at rapid
pace. Halting under our tree, he bowed before me.

"Dear friend, you and your companion must be strangers here. Permit
me to be your host and guide."

It is scarcely possible for an Indian to pale, but Jitendra's face
was suddenly sickly. I politely declined the offer.

"You are surely not banishing me?" The stranger's alarm would have
been comic in any other circumstances.

"Why not?"

"You are my guru." His eyes sought mine trustfully. "During my
midday devotions, the blessed Lord Krishna appeared in a vision.
He showed me two forsaken figures under this very tree. One face
was yours, my master! Often have I seen it in meditation! What joy
if you accept my humble services!"

"I too am glad you have found me. Neither God nor man has forsaken
us!" Though I was motionless, smiling at the eager face before me,
an inward obeisance cast me at the Divine Feet.

"Dear friends, will you not honor my home for a visit?"

"You are kind; but the plan is unfeasible. Already we are guests
of my brother in Agra."

"At least give me memories of touring Brindaban with you."

I gladly consented. The young man, who said his name was Pratap
Chatterji, hailed a horse carriage. We visited Madanamohana Temple
and other Krishna shrines. Night descended while we were at our
temple devotions.

"Excuse me while I get SANDESH." {FN11-6} Pratap entered a shop
near the railroad station. Jitendra and I sauntered along the
wide street, crowded now in the comparative coolness. Our friend
was absent for some time, but finally returned with gifts of many
sweetmeats.

"Please allow me to gain this religious merit." Pratap smiled
pleadingly as he held out a bundle of rupee notes and two tickets,
just purchased, to Agra.

The reverence of my acceptance was for the Invisible Hand. Scoffed
at by Ananta, had Its bounty not far exceeded necessity?

We sought out a secluded spot near the station.

"Pratap, I will instruct you in the KRIYA of Lahiri Mahasaya, the
greatest yogi of modern times. His technique will be your guru."

The initiation was concluded in a half hour. "KRIYA is your CHINTAMANI,"
{FN11-7} I told the new student. "The technique, which as you see
is simple, embodies the art of quickening man's spiritual evolution.
Hindu scriptures teach that the incarnating ego requires a million
years to obtain liberation from MAYA. This natural period is
greatly shortened through KRIYA YOGA. Just as Jagadis Chandra Bose
has demonstrated that plant growth can be accelerated far beyond
its normal rate, so man's psychological development can be also
speeded by an inner science. Be faithful in your practice; you will
approach the Guru of all gurus."

"I am transported to find this yogic key, long sought!" Pratap
spoke thoughtfully. "Its unshackling effect on my sensory bonds
will free me for higher spheres. The vision today of Lord Krishna
could only mean my highest good."

We sat awhile in silent understanding, then walked slowly to the
station. Joy was within me as I boarded the train, but this was
Jitendra's day for tears. My affectionate farewell to Pratap had
been punctuated by stifled sobs from both my companions. The journey
once more found Jitendra in a welter of grief. Not for himself this
time, but against himself.

"How shallow my trust! My heart has been stone! Never in future
shall I doubt God's protection!"

Midnight was approaching. The two "Cinderellas," sent forth
penniless, entered Ananta's bedroom. His face, as he had promised,
was a study in astonishment. Silently I showered the table with
rupees.

"Jitendra, the truth!" Ananta's tone was jocular. "Has not this
youngster been staging a holdup?"

But as the tale was unfolded, my brother turned sober, then solemn.

"The law of demand and supply reaches into subtler realms than I
had supposed." Ananta spoke with a spiritual enthusiasm never before
noticeable. "I understand for the first time your indifference to
the vaults and vulgar accumulations of the world."

Late as it was, my brother insisted that he receive DIKSHA {FN11-8}
into KRIYA YOGA. The "guru" Mukunda had to shoulder the responsibility
of two unsought disciples in one day.

Breakfast the following morning was eaten in a harmony absent the
day before. I smiled at Jitendra.

"You shall not be cheated of the Taj. Let us view it before starting
for Serampore."

Bidding farewell to Ananta, my friend and I were soon before the
glory of Agra, the Taj Mahal. White marble dazzling in the sun,
it stands a vision of pure symmetry. The perfect setting is dark
cypress, glossy lawn, and tranquil lagoon. The interior is exquisite
with lacelike carvings inlaid with semiprecious stones. Delicate
wreaths and scrolls emerge intricately from marbles, brown and
violet. Illumination from the dome falls on the cenotaphs of Emperor
Shah-Jahan and Mumtaz Mahall, queen of his realm and his heart.

Enough of sight-seeing! I was longing for my guru. Jitendra and I
were shortly traveling south by train toward Bengal.

"Mukunda, I have not seen my family in months. I have changed my
mind; perhaps later I shall visit your master in Serampore."

My friend, who may mildly be described as vacillating in temperament,
left me in Calcutta. By local train I soon reached Serampore, twelve
miles to the north.

A throb of wonderment stole over me as I realized that twenty-eight
days had elapsed since the Benares meeting with my guru. "You will
come to me in four weeks!" Here I was, heart pounding, standing
within his courtyard on quiet Rai Ghat Lane. I entered for the first
time the hermitage where I was to spend the best part of the next
ten years with India's JYANAVATAR, "incarnation of wisdom."

{FN11-1} See chapter 25.

{FN11-2} The world-famous mausoleum..

{FN11-3} A DHOTI-cloth is knotted around the waist and covers the
legs..

{FN11-4} Brindaban, in the Muttra district of United Provinces, is
the Hindu Jerusalem. Here Lord Krishna displayed his glories for
the benefit of mankind..

{FN11-5} Hari; an endearing name by which Lord Krishna is known to
his devotees.

{FN11-6} An Indian sweetmeat..

{FN11-7} A mythological gem with power to grant desires.

{FN11-8} Spiritual initiation; from the Sanskrit root DIKSH, to
dedicate oneself.



CHAPTER: 12

YEARS IN MY MASTER'S HERMITAGE

"You have come." Sri Yukteswar greeted me from a tiger skin on the
floor of a balconied sitting room. His voice was cold, his manner
unemotional.

"Yes, dear Master, I am here to follow you." Kneeling, I touched
his feet.

"How can that be? You ignore my wishes."

"No longer, Guruji! Your wish shall be my law!"

"That is better! Now I can assume responsibility for your life."

"I willingly transfer the burden, Master."

"My first request, then, is that you return home to your family.
I want you to enter college in Calcutta. Your education should be
continued."

"Very well, sir." I hid my consternation. Would importunate books
pursue me down the years? First Father, now Sri Yukteswar!


"Someday you will go to the West. Its people will lend ears more
receptive to India's ancient wisdom if the strange Hindu teacher
has a university degree."

"You know best, Guruji." My gloom departed. The reference to the
West I found puzzling, remote; but my opportunity to please Master
by obedience was vitally immediate.

"You will be near in Calcutta; come here whenever you find time."

"Every day if possible, Master! Gratefully I accept your authority
in every detail of my life-on one condition."

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