The Satyricon

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Upon which I was so far from begging pardon, that without any respect
I held my fists at Tryphœna, and plainly told her she shou'd feel
me, if her lecherous ladiship, who only in the ship deserv'd to be
punisht, was not content to decline her pretentions to Gito.

The angry Lycas was all rage at my impudence; and very impatient of
revenge when he found, without any concern for my own cause, I stood
up for another's.

Nor was Tryphœna less disturb'd at my contempt of her; at what time
every one in the vessel choose his side and put himself in a posture
of defence.

On our side Eumolpus's slave distributed the instruments of his trade,
and reserv'd a razor to defend his own person; on the other,
Tryphœna and her attendants advanc'd, armed with nothing but their
nails and tongues; which last supply'd the want of drums in their
army; when the pilot, crying out, threaten'd he wou'd leave the ship
to the mercy of the waves if they continued the bustle rais'd about
the lust of two or three vagabonds.

This did not in the least retard the fight; they pressing for revenge,
we for our lives: in short, many fell half dead on both sides; others
withdrew, as from greater armies, to be drest of their wounds; yet
this damps not the rage of either side.

Then the bold Gito, drawing out that part of him Tryphœna most
admired, clapt a bloody razor to't, and threaten'd to cut away the
cause of all our misfortunes, but Tryphœna did not faintly send to
prevent so cruel an act: I often offer'd at my throat too, but with as
little design to kill my self as Gito to do what he threaten'd: he the
more boldly handl'd his because he knew it to be the same blunt razor
he had us'd before; which made Tryphœna very apprehensive of his
tragic intentions.

Upon this, both sides drew up their ranks, when the pilot perceiving
how commical a war it was, with much ado was perswaded to let
Tryphœna dispatch an herald to capitulate: Articles immediately
according to the custom of countries being mutually agreed off on both
sides; Tryphœna snatcht an olive-branch, the ensign of peace, that
stuck to the image of prosperity pictur'd in the ship, and holding it
in the midst of us, thus addrest her self.

"What fury did these sudden broils engage,
How have their guiltless hands deserv'd your rage?
No Paris a stol'n dame to Troy conveys,
No witch Media here her brother slays:
But slighted love must needs resenting be:
And midst the waves who is the raging he
Now rob'd of arms that can attempt my fate?
By whom is simple death so little thought?
Let not your murderous rage out storm the seas,
And dangers of the angry waves increase."

When in a great heat Tryphœna had thus said, both armies stood
still a while, and reviving the treaty of peace, put a stop to the
war. Our captain Eumolpus prudently us'd the occasion of her
repentance, and having first severely chastiz'd Lycas, sign'd the
articles, which were as follow.

"Tryphœna, you do from the bottom of your heart, as you are in
perfect mind, promise never to complain of any injury you have
receiv'd from Gito; nor mention, upbraid him with, or study to revenge
directly or indirectly any action of his before this day; and to
prevent your forcing him to an unwilling compliance, be it further
agreed, that you never kiss, coll, or bring him to a closer hug,
without the forfeiture of 100 denarii: And for better security, that
you always pay your mony, before you have your ware.

"Item, you Lycas, from the bottom of your heart, as you are in perfect
mind; do promise never to reproach, or insultingly treat Encolpius,
either in words, or gestures: But, on the forfeiture of 200 denarii
for each time you abuse him, behind his back."

Conditions thus agreed on, we laid down our arms: And, least any
grudge might still remain, wipe off the memory of all things past, in
repeated kisses.

All quarrels expir'd in universal shouts, and a sumptuous banquet that
followed, spread equal mirth through the whole company: The vessel
rung with songs, the ensigns of their joy: and the occasion of a
sudden calm, gave other diversions: Here a little artist bob'd for
fish, that rising, seem'd with haste to meet their ruin: There another
draws the unwilling prey, that he had betray'd on the hook, with an
inviting bait: When looking up, we saw sea-birds sitting on the
sail-yard, about which, one skill'd in that art having plac'd
lime-twigs, made 'em his booty. Their downy feathers, the air whirl'd
about: The other, the sea vainly tost too and fro.

Now Lycas began to be friends with me: and Tryphœna, as a mark of
her love, threw the bottom of her wine upon Gito: At what time,
Eumolpus, quite drunk, aim'd at rallery on those that were bald and
branded; till having spent his life-less stock, he return'd to his
verses; and designing an elegy on the loss of hair, thus began.

Nature's chief ornament, the hair is lost,
Those vernal locks, feel winter's blast:
Now the bald temples mown their banish'd shade,
And bristles shine o' the sun-burnt head.
The joys, deceitful nature does first pay
Our age, it snatches first away.
Unhappy mortal, that but now
The lovely grace of hair, did'st know:
Bright as the sun's or Cynthia's beams,
Now worse than brass, and only seems
Like th' mushroom, that in gardens springs.
From sporting girls, you'll frighted run,
And that death will the sooner come:
Know that part of your head is gone.

He wou'd have condemn'd us to hear more, and I believe worse than the
former; if an attendant of Tryphœna, had not disturb'd him: who
taking Gito aside, dress'd him up in her mistresses tower; and to
restore him perfectly to his former figure, drawing false eye-brows
out of her patch-box, placed 'em so exactly, Nature might have
mistaken 'em for her own work.

At the sight of the true Gito, Tryphœna wept for joy: Who, not
before, cou'd hug him with so real a satisfaction.

I was glad to see his loss so well repair'd: Yet, often hid my head,
as sensible I appear'd with no common deformity, whom even Lycas
thought not worth speaking to: But 'twas not long e'er the same maid
came to my relief, and calling me aside, dress'd me in a peruke no
less agreeable: for being of golden locks, it rather improv'd my
complexion.

But, Eumolpus, our advocate, and reconciler, to entertain the company,
and keep up the mirth, began to be pleasant on the inconstancy of
women: how forward they were to love, how soon they forgot their
sparks: and that no woman was so chast, but her untry'd lust, might be
rais'd to a fury: nor wou'd he bring instances from ancient tragedies,
or personages celebrated in antiquity: but entertain us, if we wou'd
please to hear, with a story within the circle of his own memory: upon
which the eyes and ears of all were devoted to him: who thus began.

"There was at Ephesus a lady, of so celebrated virtue, that the women
of neighbouring nations came to join their admiration with that of her
own country: This lady at the death of her husband not content with
tearing her hair, or beating her breast, those common expressions of
grief; but following him into the vault, where the body plac'd in a
monument, she, after the Græcian custom, watch'd the corps, and
whole nights and days continu'd weeping; the perswasions of parents
nor relations cou'd divert her grief, or make her take anything to
preserve life, the publick officers at last, she guarding the body for
'em, left the vault; and lamented by all for so singular an example of
grief, liv'd thus five days without eating.

"All left her but a faithful maid, who with tears supply'd her
afflicted lady, and as often as the lamp they had by, began to expire,
renew'd the light; by this time she became the talk of the whole town;
and all degrees of men confest, she was the only true example of love
and chastity.

"In the meantime there happening a trial of criminals, the condemn'd
were order'd to be crucify'd near the vault in which the lady was
weeping o're the corps of her late husband. The soldier that guarded
the bodies lest any might be taken from the cross and bury'd, the
night after observ'd a light in the vault, and hearing the groans of
some afflicted person, prest with a curiosity common to mankind, he
desired to know, who, or what it was? Upon which he enter'd the
vault, and seeing a very beautiful woman, amaz'd at first, he fancy'd
'twas a spirit, but viewing the dead body, and considering her tears
and torn face, he soon guest, as it was, that the lady cou'd not bear
the loss of her husband: he brings his supper with him into the vault,
and began to perswade the mournful lady not to continue her
unnecessary grief, nor with vain complaints consume her health: That
death was common to all men; and many other things he told her, that
use to restore afflicted persons to that calmness they before enjoy'd:
But she mov'd anew at the comfort a stranger offer'd, redoubl'd her
grief, and tearing her hair, cast it on the body that lay before her.

"The souldier however did not withdraw, but with the like invitations
offer'd her somewhat to eat, till her maid o'recome, I presume, by the
pleasing scent of the wine, no longer cou'd resist the soldier's
courtesie. When refresht with the entertainment she began to join her
perswasions to win her lady; 'and what advantage,' began she, 'wou'd
you reap in starving your self? in burying your self alive? What
wou'd it signifie to anticipate your fate?'

"'D'ye think departed souls will value it?'

"'Will you, madam, in spite of Fate, revive your husband? Or will you
shake off these vain complaints, the marks of our sex's weakness, and
enjoy the world while you may? The very body that lyes there might
make you envy life. We don't unwillingly obey when we're commanded to
eat or live.' The lady now dry with so long fasting, suffer'd her self
to be o'recome; nor was she less pleas'd with her entertainment, than
her maid, that first surrendered. You know with what thoughts
encouraging meats inspire young persons. With the same charms our
souldier had won her to be in love with life, he addrest himself as a
lover; nor did his person appear less agreeable to the chaste lady,
than his conversation; and the maid, to raise her opinion of him, thus
apply'd her self:

"And arm'd with pleasing love dare you ingage,
E're you consider in whose tents you are?"

"To make short; nor even in this cou'd the lady deny him any thing:
Thus our victorious souldier succeeded in both; she receiv'd his
imbraces; not only that night they struck up the bargain, but the next
and third day: Having shut the door of the vault, that if any of her
acquaintances or strangers had come out of curiosity to see her, they
might have believ'd the most chaste of all women, had expir'd on the
body of her husband. Our souldier was so taken with his beautiful
mistress, and the privacy of injoying her, that the little money he
was master of, he laid out for her entertainment, and, as soon as
'twas night, convey'd it into the vault.

"In the mean time the relations of one of the malefactors, finding the
body unguarded, drew it from the cross and bury'd it. The souldier
thus rob'd while he was in the vault, the next day, when he perceiv'd
one of the bodies gone, dreading the punishment, he told the lady what
had happened; and, added that with his sword he wou'd prevent the
judges sentence; if so be she wou'd please to give him burial, and
make that place at once the fatal monument of a lover and a husband.

"'The lady, not less merciful than chast; 'Nor wou'd Heaven allow,'
said she, 'that I shou'd at once feel the loss of the only two in the
world I hold most dear; I'd rather hang up the dead body of the one,
than be the wicked instrument of the other's death.' Upon which she
order'd her husband's body to be taken out of the coffin, and fixt to
the cross, in the room of that which was wanting: Our souldier pursued
the directions of the discreet lady, and the next day the people
wonder'd for what reason that body was hung on the cross."

The seamen were pleas'd with the story. Tryphœna not a little
asham'd, lovingly apply'd her cheek to Gito's, and hid her blushes:
but Lycas wore an air of displeasure, and knitting his brows, said he,
"if the governour had been a just man, he ought to have restor'd the
husband's body to his monument, and hung the woman on the cross." I
don't doubt it made him reflect on his own wife, and the whole scene
of our lust when we rob'd his vessel. But the articles he agreed to,
oblig'd him not to complain; and the mirth that ingag'd us gave him no
opportunity to vent his rage.

Tryphœna entertain'd her self in Gito's arms, pressing oft his neck
with eager kisses, and oft disposing his new ornament, to make it
appear more agreeable to his face.

At this I was not a little out of humour, and impatient of our new
league, cou'd neither eat nor drink any thing: but with side-looks
wisht a thousand curses on them both; every kiss and every look she
gave him, wounded me. Nor did I yet know whether I had more reason to
repent the loss of my mistress, or my comrade; he having rob'd me of
her; and she deluded him from my arms: Both were worse than death to
me. And to compleat my misery, neither Tryphœna spoke to me as her
acquaintance, and once grateful lover; nor did Gito think me worth
drinking to; or what's the least he cou'd, common discourse with him:
I believe he was tender of the new return of her favours, and afraid
to give her another occasion to fall out with him: Grief forc'd a
flood of tears from my eyes, and I stifl'd my complaints, till I was
ready to expire.

When Lycas perceiv'd how well, tho' in this trouble my yellow ornament
became me, he was inflam'd afresh; and viewing me with lovers eyes,
addressed himself as such, when laying aside the haughty brow of a
master, he put on the tender complacency of a friend: but his
endeavours were fruitless. At last meeting with an intire repulse,
his love turning to a fury, he endeavour'd to ravish the favours he
could not win by intreaty; at what time Tryphœna unexpectedly came
in, and observing his wantonness; in the greatest confusion he hid his
head, and ran from her.

Upon which the more lustful Tryphœna askt, and made me tell her,
what those wanton caresses meant; she was inspired with new heat at
the relation; and mindful of our old amours, offer'd to revive our
former commerce; but worn off my legs with those employments, I gave
her invitations but an ill return; yet she with all the desires of a
woman transported by her passion, threw her arms about me, and so
closely lockt me in her imbraces, I was forc'd to cry out; one of her
maids came in at the noise, and easily believing I wou'd force from
her the favours I had deny'd her mistress, rusht between, and loos'd
the bands: Tryphœna meeting with such a repulse, and even raging
with desire, took it more grievous at my hands, and with threats at
her going off, flew to Lycas; not only to raise his resentments
against me, but to join with him in pursuit of revenge.

By the way observe, I had formerly been well receiv'd by this
attendant of Tryphœna, when I maintain'd a commerce with her
mistress, upon that score she resented my converse with Tryphœna,
and deeply sighing, made me eager to know the occasion; when she,
stepping back, thus began, "If you had any sparks of the gentleman in
you, you'd value her no more than a common prostitute; if you were a
man you wou'd not descend to such a jakes." These thoughts not a
little disturb'd her; but I was asham'd of nothing more, than that
Eumolpus, suspecting the occasion, shou'd in his next verses make our
suppos'd quarrel the subject of his drollery; and lest my care to
avoid it shou'd prove no means of discovering it.

When I was contriving how to prevent his suspicion, Eumolpus himself
came in, already acquainted with what was done; for Tryphœna had
communicated her grief to Gito, and endeavour'd at his cost to
compensate the injury I had offer'd her. Upon which Eumolpus was on
fire, and the more, because her wantonness was an open breach of the
articles she had sign'd.

When the old doctor saw me, pitying my misfortune, he desir'd to know
the whole scene from my self; I freely told him of the gamesomeness of
the lewd Lycas, and Tryphœna's lustful assault, that he was already
well inform'd of; upon which, in a solemn oath, he swore to vindicate
our cause, and that Heaven was too just to suffer so many crimes to go
unpunisht.

While we were thus ingag'd a storm arose; now thick clouds, and th'
inrag'd flood eclypst the day, the seamen fly to their posts as fast
as fear cou'd make 'em; and, pulling down the sails, leave the vessel
to the mercy of the tempest; for the uncertain winds made them
hopeless of any direct course; nor did the pilot know which way to
steer; sometimes the unguided ship was forc'd on the coast of Sicily,
often by contrary winds 'twas tost near Italy; and what was more
dangerous than all, on a sudden the gathering clouds spread such
horrid darkness all around, that the pilot cou'd not see over the
fore-castle; upon which all despair'd of safety; when Lycas threw
himself before me, and lifting up his trembling hands, "I beseech you
Encolpius," began he, "assist the distress'd, that is restore the
sacred vest and timbrel you took from the image of the goddess Isis;
be merciful as you are wont.'' At what time a whirlwind snatcht him
up, and threw him howling midst the flood, and soon a spiteful wave
just shew'd him us, and drew him back again.

Tryphœna, hastily taken up by her faithful attendants, and plac'd
with her chief goods in the skiff, avoided a most certain death.

I, lockt in Gito's arms, not without tears, cry'd out, "And this we
have merited of Heaven, that only death should joyn us; but even now I
fear fortune will be against it; for see the waves threaten to
o'erturn the vessel; and now the tempest comes to burst the lov'd
bands that unite us; therefore if you really love Encolpius, let's
kiss while we may, and snatch this last joy even in spite of our
approaching fate."

When I had thus said, Gito threw off his mantle, and getting under
mine, thrust his head out at top to reach my lips; but that the most
malicious wave might not ravish us asunder, he girt himself to me with
the thong that bound his wallet; and "'tis some comfort," said he, "to
think that by this the sea will bear us longer e're it can divorce us
from each other's arms. Or, if in compassion it shou'd throw us on
the same shore, either the next that passes by wou'd give us a
monument of stone, that by the common laws of humanity he wou'd cast
upon us; or at least the angry waves, that seem to conspire our
separation, wou'd unwittingly bury us in one grave, with the sand
their rage wou'd vomit up." I was satisfy'd with my chain, and, as on
my death-bed, did now contentedly expect the coming hour.

In the mean time the tempest, acting the decrees of Fate, had rent all
the rigging from the vessel; no mast, no rudder left, not a rope or
plank, but an awkward shapeless body of a ship tost up and down the
flood.

The fisher-men that inhabited the sea-side, expecting a booty, in all
haste put out with their boats; but when they saw those in the vessel
that cou'd defend their own; they chang'd their design of pillaging to
succouring.

After a salute on both sides, unwonted murmurs, lilre that of some
beast, labouring to get out, proceeded from beneath the master's
cabin; upon which, following the sound, we found Eumolpus sitting
alone, and in his hand a large scroll of paper that he was filling,
even to the margent, with verses; we all were amaz'd to see a man
amuse himself with poetry, at a time when he had reason to think each
minute wou'd be his last, and having drawn him, malcing a great noise,
from his hole, we endeavour'd to recover him from his frenzy; but he
was in such a heat to be disturb'd, that "'Sdeath," said he, "let me
make an end of this couplet, it finishes the poem;" on which I took
hold of the mad man, and order'd the still murmuring poet to be hall'd
on shore.

When with some trouble we had got him on shore, we very pensively
enter'd one of the fishermen's huts, and howe're we feasted on our
meats the sea had corrupted, we had no comfortable night of 't.

The next day, as we were proposing how to bestow our selves, we
discover'd an human body floating on a little wave that made to shore:
I stood still concern'd, and began with more diligence to see, if what
was presented to our view was real.

When, finding it to be a man's: and "who knows," I cry'd out, "but
this wretch's wife, in some part of the world, secure at home, may
expect his coming; or perhaps a son, ignorant of the fatal storm, may
wait the wisht arrival of his father; who with so many kisses seal'd
his unwilling parting: These are our great designs! vain mortals swell
with promising hopes, yet there's the issue of them all! see the
mighty nothing how it's tost!"

When I had thus bemoan'd the wretch, as one unknown, the sea cast him
on land with his face, not much disfigur'd, toward Heaven; upon which
I made up to it, and easily knew that the but now terrible and
implacable Lycas was lying at my feet.

I could not restrain my tears; but, beating my breast, "Now where's,"
said I, "your rage? where your unruly passions? now you're expos'd a
prey to fish and beasts; and the poor shipwrackt wretch, with all his
boasted power, now has not one plank of the great ship he proudly
call'd his own. After this, let mortals flatter themselves with
golden dreams, let the weary miser heap up ill-got wealth for many
years; 'twas but yesterday this lifeless thing was priding in its
riches, and had fixt the very day he thought to return. How short,
alas! eyes the poor wretch of his design! but 'tis not the sea only we
should fear: one the wars deceive; another by some accidental ruin,
even at the altar, meets a grave; third by a fall in running
anticipates his arrival to the goal; eating oft kills the greedy; and
abstinence the temperate. If we rightly consider it in this sea of
life we may be shipwrackt every where; but we vainly lament the want
of burial to a wretch that's drowned; as if it concern'd the perishing
carcass, whether flames, worms, or fishes were its cannibals.
Whatever way you are consum'd, the end of all 's the same. But fish,
they object, will tear their bodies; as if their teeth were less
gentle than the flames; a punishment that we believe is the highest we
can inflict on slaves that have provok'd us; therefore what madness is
't to trouble our lives with the cares of our burial after we're dead;
when the best of us may meet the fate he vainly strives with so much
diligence to avoid?"

After these reflections, we perform'd the last office for the dead,
and tho' his enemies, honour'd him with a funeral pile; but while
Eumolpus was making an epitaph, his eyes roam'd here and there, to
find an image that might raise his fancy.

When we had willingly acquitted our selves of this piece of humanity
to Lycas, we pursu'd our design'd journey, and all in a sweat soon.
reacht the head of a neighbouring hill, from whence we discovered a
town seated on the top of a high mountain; we did not know it, till a
shepherd inform'd us 'twas Crotona; the most ancient and once most
flourishing city of Italy; when we enquir'd of him what sort of people
inhabited this renown'd place, and what kind of commerce they chiefly
maintain'd, since they were impoverish'd by so many wars?

"Gentlemen," said he, "if you have designs of trading, you must go
another way; but if you're of the admir'd sort of men, that have the
thriving qualifications of lying and cheating, you're in the direct
path to business; for in this city no learning flourisheth, eloquence
has not a room here; temperance, good manners, nor any virtue can meet
a reward; assure your selves of finding but two sorts of men, and they
are the cheated, and those that cheat. A father takes no care of his
children, because the having of heirs is such a mark of infamy, that
he who is known in that circumstance, dares not appear at any publick
game or show, is deny'd all publick priviledges, and only herds among
those that all men piss upon. But single men, who have no tyes of
nature that oblige the disposal of their wealth, are caress'd by all,
and have the greatest honours confer'd on 'em; they are the only
valorous, the only brave; nay, and only innocent too. You're going to
a city," added he, "like a field in a plague-time, where you can
observe nothing but one man devouring another, as crows dead
carcasses."

The prudent Eumolpus, as a thing so surprizingly new, began to be
thoughtful, and confest that way to riches did not displease him. I
believ'd it the effect of a poetick gaiety, that had not left his
years. When, "I wish," continued he, "I cou'd maintain a greater
figure, as well in habit as attendants, 'twou'd give a better colour
to my pretences: By Hercules, I'd throw by the wallet, and soon
advance all our fortunes."

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