The Satyricon

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Enothea, entring, plac'd the fire, that with broken sticks she had got
together, and having heapt more wood upon those, began to excuse her
stay, that her friend wou'd not let her go before she had, against the
laws of drinking, taken off three healths together. When looking
about her, "What," said she, "have you been doing in my absence?
Where's the bean?"

I, who thought I had behav'd my self very honourably, told her the
whole fight; and to end her grief for the loss of her bean, presented
the goose: when I shew'd the goose, the old woman set up such an
out-cry, that you wou'd have thought the geese were re-entring the
place.

In confusion and amaz'd at so strange a humour, I askt the meaning of
her passion? or why she pity'd the goose rather than me.

But wringing her hands, "you wicked wretch," said she, "d'ye speak
too? D'ye know what you've done? You've killed the gods delight, a
goose the pleasure of all matrons: And, lest you shou'd think your
self innocent, if a magistrate shou'd hear of it, you'd be hang'd.
You have defil'd with blood my cell, that to this day had been
inviolate. You have done that, for which, if any's so malicious, he
may expel me my office."

She said, and trembling, rends her aged hairs,
And both her cheeks with wilder fury tears:
Sad murmurs from her troubl'd breast arise,
A shower of tears there issu'd from her eyes.
And down her face a rapid deluge run,
Such as is seen, when a hills frosty crown,
By warm Favonius is melted down.

Upon which, "I beseech you," said I, "don't grieve, I'll recompence
the loss of your goose with an ostrich."

While amaz'd I spoke, she sat down on the bed, lamented her loss; at
what time Proselenos came in with the sacrifice, and viewing the
murder'd goose, and enquiring the cause, began very earnestly to cry
and pity me, as it had been a father, not a goose I had slain. But
tired with this stuff, "I beseech ye," said I, "tell me, tho' it had
been a man I kill'd, won't gold wipe off the guilt? See here are two
pieces of gold: with these you may purchase gods as well as geese."

Which, when Enothea beheld, "Pardon me, young man," said she, "I am
only concern'd for your safety, which is an argument of love, not
hatred; therefore we'll take what care we can to prevent a discovery:
You have nothing to do, but intreat the gods to forgive the sin."

"Who e're has money may securely sail,
On all things with all-mighty gold prevail.
May Danae wed, or rival amo'rous Jove,
And make her father pandar to his love.
May be a poet, preacher, lawyer too:
And bawling win the cause he does not know:
And up to Cato's fame for wisdom grow.
Wealth without law will gain at bar renown,
How e're the case appears, the cause is won,
Every rich lawyer is a Littleton.
In short of all you wish you are possest,
All things prevent the wealthy man's request,
For Jove himself's the treasure of his chest."

While my thoughts were thus engag'd, she plac'd a cup of wine under my
hands, and having cleans'd my prophane extended fingers with sacred
leeks and parsley, threw into the wine, with some ejaculation,
hazel-nuts, and as they sunk or swam gave her judgment; but I well
knew the empty rotten ones wou'd swim, and those of entire kernels go
to the bottom.

When applying herself to the goose, from its breast she drew a lusty
liver, and then told me my future fortune. But that no mark of the
murder might be left, she fixt the rent goose to a spit, which, as she
said, she had fatten'd a little before, as sensible it was to die.

In the mean time the wine went briskly round, and now the old women
gladly devour the goose, they so lately lamented; when they had pickt
its bones, Enothea, half drunk, turn'd to me; "and now," said she,
"I'll finish the charm that recovers your strength": When drawing out
a leathern ensign of Priapus, she dipt it in a medley of oyl, small
pepper, and the bruis'd seed of nettles, paulatim coepit inserere ano
meo. Hoc crudelissima anus spurgit subinde umore femina mea.
Nasturcii sucum cum abrotano miscet perfusisque inguinibus meis
viridis urticae fascem comprehendit, omniaque infra umbilicum coepit
lenta mann caedere. Upon which jumping from her, to avoid the sting,
I made off. The old woman in a great rage pursu'd me, and tho' drunk
with wine, and their more hot desires, took the right way: and
follow'd me through two or three villages, crying stop thief; but with
my hands all bloody, in the hasty flight, I got off.

When I got home, to ease my wearied limbs, I went to bed, but the
thoughts of my misfortunes would not let me sleep; when considering
how unparallel'd a wretch I was, I cry'd out, "Did my ever cruel
fortune want the afflictions of love to make me more miserable? O
unhappiness! Fortune and love conspire my ruin. Severer love spares
me no way, or loving, or belov'd a wretch: Chrysis adores me, and is
ever giving me occasion to address: She, that when she brought me to
her mistress, despis'd me for my mean habit as one beneath her
desires; that very Chrysis that so scorn'd my former fortune, pursues
this even with the hazard of her own; and swore, when she first
discover'd to me the violence of her love, that she wou'd be ever true
to me. But Circe's in possession of my heart, I value none but her,
and indeed who wears such charms? Compar'd to her, what was Ariadne
or Lyda? what Helen, or even Venus? Paris himself the umpire of the
wanton nymphs, if with these eyes he had seen her contending for the
golden apple, wou'd have given both his Helen and the goddesses for
her. If I might be admitted to kiss her sweet lips again, or once
more press her divinely rising breasts, perhaps my vigour wou'd
revive, which now I believe lyes opprest by witchcraft. I shou'd
dispense with my reproaches, shou'd forget that I was beat; esteem my
being turn'd out of doors, a sport; so I might be again happy in her
favours."

These thoughts and the image of the beautiful Circe so rais'd my mind,
that I oft, as if my love was in my arms, with a great deal of
fruitless ardour, hug'd the bed-cloaths, till out of patience with the
lasting affliction I began to reproach my impotence; yet recovering my
presence of mind, I flew for comfort to the misfortunes of ancient
hero's, and thus broke out:

"Not only me th' avenging gods pursue,
Oft they their anger on their hero's throw;
By Juno's rage Alcides Heaven bore,
And Pelia's injur'd Juno knew before.
Leomedon Heaven's dire resentments felt,
And Telephus's blood washt out his guilt.
We cannot from the wrathful godhead run
Crafty Ulysses cou'd not Neptune shun.
Provokt Priapus o're the land and sea,
Has left his Hellespont to follow me."

Full of anxious cares I spent the night: and Gito, inform'd that I lay
at home, enter'd my chamber by day-break, when having passionately
complain'd of my loose life, he told me the family took much notice of
my behaviour, that I was seldom in waiting, and that perhaps the
company I kept wou'd be my ruin.

By this I understood he was inform'd of my affairs; and that some one
had been in pursuit of me; upon which I ask't my Gito whether any body
was to enquire for me. "Not this day," said he, "but yesterday there
came a very pretty woman, who, when she had tir'd me with a long
sifting discourse; at last told me you deserv'd to be punisht, and
shou'd as a slave, if you longer complain'd."

This so sensibly touch'd me, that I began afresh to reproach fortune:
Nor had I done, e're Chrysis came in, and wildly throwing her arms
about me: "Now," said she, "I'll hold my wish, you're my love, my joy;
nor may you think to quench this flame, but by a more close embrace."

I was much disturb'd at Chrysis's wantonness, and gave her fair
language, to get rid of her; for I was very apprehensive of the danger
of Eumolpus's hearing it, since his good fortune had made him so
proud. I did therefore what I could to appease her rage; I dissembl'd
love, whisper'd soft things, and in short manag'd it so like a lover,
that she believ'd me one. I made her understand in what danger we
both were, if she shou'd be found with me in that place, and that our
lord Eumolpus punisht the least offence. Upon which she immediately
made out, and the more hastily, because she saw Gito returning, who
had left me a little before she came.

She was scarce out, when on a sudden one of the slaves came to me, and
told me that our lord so highly resented my two days absence, that
unless, as he advised me, I invented a good excuse to allay his heat,
I shou'd certainly be punish'd.

Gito perceiving how concern'd I was, spoke not a word of the woman,
but advis'd me to behave myself merrily to Eumolpus, rather than
serious. I pursu'd the counsel, and put on so pleasant a face that he
receiv'd me in drollery, without the grave stiffness of a master. He
was pleasant on the success of my amours; prais'd my meen and wit that
was so agreeable to the ladies: and "I'm no stranger," said he, "to
your love of a very beautiful lady. But now, Encolpius, that rightly
manag'd, may turn to our advantage; therefore do you personate the
lover, I'll continue the character I've begun."

Matrona inter primas honesta, Philomela nomine quae multas saepe
hereditates officio aetati extorserat, tum anus et floris extincti,
filium filiamque ingerebat orbis senibus, et per hanc successionem
artem suam perseverabat extendere. Ea ergo ad Eumolpum venit et
commendare liberos suos eius prudentiae bonitatique . . . credere se
et vota sua. Illum esse solum in toto orbe terrarum, qui praeceptis
etiam salubribus instruere iuvenes quotidie posset. Ad summam,
relinquere se pueros in domo Eumolpi, ut illum loquentem audirent:
quae sola posset hereditas iuvenibus dari. Nec aliter fecit ac
dixerat, filiamque speciosissimam cum fratre ephebo in cubiculo
reliquit simulavitque se in templum ire ad vota nuncupanda. Eumolpus,
qui tam frugi erat ut illi etiam ego puer viderer, non distulit
puellam invitare ad pigiciaca sacra. Sed et podagricum se esse
lumborumque solutorum omnibus dixerat, et si non servasset integram
simulationem, periclitabatur totam paene tragoediam evertere. Itaque
ut constaret mendacio fides, puellam quidem exoravit, ut sederet super
commendatam bonitatem, Coraci autem imperavit ut lectum, in quo ipse
iacebat, subiret positisque in pavimento manibus dominum lumbis suis
commoveret. Ille lente parebat imperio puellaque artificium pari motu
remunerabat. Cum ergo res ad affectum spectaret, clara Eumolpus voce
exhortabatur Coraca, ut spissaret officium. Sic inter mercennarium
amicamque positus senex veluti oscillatione ludebat. Hoc semel
iterumque ingenti risu, etiam suo, Eumolpus fecerat. Itaque ego
quoque, ne desidia consuetudinem perderem, dum frater sororis suae
automata per clostellum miratur, accessi temptaturus, an pateretur
iniuriam. Nec se reiciebat a blanditiis doctissimus puer, sed me
numen inimicum ibi quoque invenit.

I was not so concern'd at this as the former; for a little after my
strength return'd, and finding my self more vigorous, I cry'd out, the
courteous gods are greater that have made me whole again. For
Mercury, that conveys and reconveys our souls, by his favours has
restor'd what his anger had seiz'd: Now I shall be in as great esteem
as Protesilaus or any of the antients. Upon which taking up my
cloaths, I shew'd my whole self to Eumolpus, he startl'd at first, but
soon, to confirm his belief, with both hands chaf'd the mighty favour
of the gods.

This great blessing makes us merry, we laughed at Philumene's cunning,
and her childrens experience in the art, which wou'd profit 'em little
with us; for to no other end were they left, but to be heirs to what
we had. When reflecting on this sordid manner of deceiving childless
age, I took occasion to consider the condition of our present fortune,
and told Eumolpus that the deceivers might be deceiv'd, that therefore
all our actions shou'd be of a piece with the character we bore.
"That Socrates, the wisest of men, us'd to boast he never saw a
tavern, nor ever had been in the common company that frequents such
places. That nothing was more convenient than a discreet behaviour.
All these are truths, nor shou'd any sort of men," added I, "more
expect the sudden assaults of ill fortune, than those that covet
what's other men's. But how should pick-pockets live, unless, by some
well order'd trick, to draw fools together, they get imployment? As
fish are taken with what they really eat, so men are to be cheated
with something that's solid, not empty hope; thus the people of this
country have hitherto receiv'd us very nobly: but when they find the
arrival of no ship from Africk, laden, as you told 'em, with riches,
and your retinue, the impatient deceivers, will lessen their bounty;
therefore, or I'm mistaken, our fortune begins to repent her favours."

"I have thought of a means," said Eumolpus, "to make our deceivers
continue their care of us." And drawing his will out of his purse,
thus read the last lines of it.

"All that have legacies in this my last will and testament, my freed
men excepted, receives 'em on these conditions, that they divide my
body, and eat it before the people. And that they may not think it an
unjust demand, let them know, that to this day 'tis the custom of many
countries, that the relations of the dead devour the carcase; and for
that reason they often quarrel with their sick kindred, because they
spoil their flesh by lingering in a disease. I only instance this to
my friends, that they may not refuse to perform my will; but with the
same sincerity they wisht well to my soul, they might devour my body."

When he had read the chief articles, some that were more intimately
acquainted with him, enter'd the chamber, and viewing the will,
earnestly intreated him to impart the contents of it; he readily
consented and read the whole. But when they heard the necessity of
eating the carcass, they seem'd much concern'd at the strange
proposal; but their insatiate love of the money made 'em stifle their
passion, and his person was so awful to 'em, they durst not complain.
But one of 'em, Gorgias by name, briskly told him he was willing to
accept the conditions, so he might not wait for the body.

To this Eumolpus, "I'm not in the least apprehensive of your
performance, nor that your stomach wou'd refuse the task, when to
recompense one distasteful minute you promise ages of luxury. 'Tis
but shutting your eyes, and supposing instead of man's flesh you were
eating an hundred sesterces. Some sauce may be added to vary the
tast; for no flesh pleases alone, but is prepar'd by art to commend it
to the stomach. If you desire instances of this kind, to make ye
approve my advice; the Saguntines when they were besieg'd by Hannibal
eat humane bodies, without the hopes of an estate for doing it. The
Petavii reduc'd to the last extremity did the like; nor had they
further hopes in this banquet than to satisfie nature. When Scipio
took Numanita, mothers were found with their children half eaten in
their arms. But since the thoughts only of eating man's flesh create
the lothing; 'tis but resolving, and you gain the mighty legacies I
leave you."

Eumolpus recounted these shameless inhumanities with so much
confusion, that his parasites began to suspect him, and more nearly
considering our words and actions, their jealousie encreas'd with
their observation, and they believ'd us perfect cheats. Upon which
those who had receiv't us most nobly, resolv'd to seize us, and lustly
take their revenge; but Chrysis, privy to all stratagems, gave me
notice of their designs; the frightful news so struck me, that I made
off with Gito immediately, and left Eumolpus to the mercy of his
enemies; and in a few days we heard the Crotonians raging, that that
old rascal shou'd live so long at such a sumptuous rate on the publick
charge, sacrific'd him the Massilian way. Whenever the Massilians
were visited with a plague, some one of the poorest of the people, for
the sake of being well fed a whole year at the publick charge, wou'd
offer himself a sacrifice to appease the gods: He after his year was
up, drest in holy wreath and sacred garment, was led about the city
with invocations on the gods that all the sins of the nation might be
punisht in him; and so was thrown from a precipice.

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