The Satyricon

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"Where lies the fault then? Parents ought to be sharply reprehended,
who will not have their children come on by any strict method; but in
this, as in all things, are so fond of making a noise in the world;
and in such haste to compass their wishes, that they hurry them in
publick e'er they have digested what they have read, and put children
e'er they are well past their sucking-bottle, upon the good grace of
speaking, than which even themselves confess, nothing is greater:
Whereas if they would suffer them to come up by degrees, that their
studies might be temper'd with grave lectures; their affections
fashion'd by the dictates of wisdom; that they might work themselves
into a mastery of words; and for a long time hear, what they're
inclined to imitate, nothing that pleas'd children, wou'd be admir'd
by them. But now boys trifle in the schools, young men are laugh'd at
in publick, and, which is worse than both, what every one foolishly
takes up in his youth, no one will confess in his age. But that I may
not be thought to condemn Lucilius, as written in haste, I also will
give you my thoughts in verse.

"Who ere wou'd with ambitious just desire,
To mastery in so fire an art aspire,
Must all extreams first diligently shun,
And in a settled course of vertue run.
Let him not fortune with stiff greatness climb,
Nor, courtier-like, with cringes undermine:
Nor all the brother blockheads of the pot,
Ever persuade him to become a sot;
Nor flatter poets to acquire the fame
Of, I protest, a pretty gentleman.
But whether in the war he wou'd be great,
Or, in the gentler arts that rule a state;
Or, else his amorous breast he wou'd improve
Well to receive the youthful cares of love.
In his first years to poetry inclin'd,
Let Homer's spring bedew his fruitful mind;
His manlier years to manlier studies brought,
Philosophy must next imply his thought.
Then let his boundless soul new glories fire,
And to the great Demosthenes aspire.
When round in throngs the list'ning people come,
T'admire what sprung in Greece so slow at home
Rais'd to this height, your leisure hours engage
In something just and worthy of the stage;
Your choice of words from Cicero derive,
And in your poems you design shou'd live,
The joys of feasts, and terrors of a war,
More pleasing those, and these more frightful are,
When told by you, than in their acting were:
And thus, enrich'd with such a golden store,
You're truly fit to be an orator."

While I was wholly taken up with Agamemnon, I did not observe how
Ascyltos had given me the slip, and as I continu'd my diligence, a
great crowd of scholars fill'd the portico, to hear, (as it appear'd
afterwards) an extemporary declamation, of I know not whom, that was
discanting on what Agamemnon had said; while therefore they ridicul'd
his advice, and condemn'd the order of the whole, I took an
opportunity of getting from them, and ran in quest of Ascyltos: But
the hurry I was in, with my ignorance where our inn lay, so distracted
me, that what way soever I went, I return'd by the same, till tir'd in
the pursuit, and all in a sweat, I met an old herb-woman: And, "I
beseech ye, mother," quoth I, "do you know whereabouts I dwell?"
Pleas'd with the simplicity of such a home-bred jest, "Why should I
not?" answer'd she; and getting on her feet went on before me: I
thought her no less than a witch: but, having led me into a bye lane,
she threw off her pyebal'd patch't-mantle, and "here," quoth she, "you
can't want a lodging."

While I was denying I knew the house, I observ'd a company of beaux
reading the bills o'er the cells, on which was inscrib'd the name of
the whore and her price; and others of the same function naked,
scuttling it here and there, as if they would not, yet would be seen:
When too late I found my self in a bawdy-house, cursing the jade that
had trapan'd me thither, I cover'd my head and was just making off
through the midst of them, when in the very entry Ascyltos met me, but
as tir'd as my self, and in a manner dead; you'd have sworn the same
old woman brought him. I could not forbear laughing, but having
saluted each other, I ask'd what business he had in so scandalous a
place? He wip'd his face, and "if you knew," said he, "what has
happened to me--" "As what?" quoth I.

He faintly reply'd "When I had rov'd the whole city without finding
where I had left the inn, the master of this house came up to me, and
kindly profer'd to be my guide; so through many a cross lane and blind
turning, having brought me to this house, he drew his weapon and prest
for a closer ingagement. In this affliction the whore of the cell
also demanded garnish-money; and he laid such hands on me, that had I
not been too strong for him, I had gone by the worst of it."

While Ascyltos was telling his tale, in come the same fellow, with a
woman, none of the least agreeable, and looking upon Ascyltos,
entreated him to walk in and fear nothing, for if he would not be
passive he might be active: the woman on the other hand press'd me to
go in with her. We follow'd therefore, and being led among those
bills, we saw many of both sexes at work in the cells, so much every
of them seem'd to have taken a provocative.

Nor were we sooner discover'd than they wou'd have been at us with the
like impudence, and in a trice one of them, his coat tuck'd under his
girdle, laid hold on Ascyltos, and threw him athwart a couch: I
presently ran to help the undermost, and putting our strengths
together, we made nothing of the troublesome fool. Ascyltos went off,
and flying, left me expos'd to the fury; but, thanks to my strength, I
got off without hurt.

I had almost traverst the city round, when through the dusk I saw Gito
on the beggars-bench of our inn; I made up to him, and going in, ask'd
him, what Ascyltos had got us for dinner? the boy sitting down on the
bed, began to wipe the tears that stood in his eyes; I was much
concern'd at it, and ask'd him the occasion; he was slow in his
answer, and seem'd unwilling; but mixing threats with my intreaties;
"'Twas that brother or comrogue of yours," said he, "that coming ere
while into our lodging, wou'd have been at me, and put hard for it.
When I cry'd out, he drew his sword, and 'if thou art a Lucreece,'
said he, 'thou hast met a Tarquin.'"

I heard him, and shaking my fist at Ascyltos; "What saist thou," said
I, "thou catamite, whose very breath is tainted?"

He dissembled at first a great trembling, but presently throwing my
arms aside, in a higher voice cry'd out: "Must you be prating, thou
ribaldrous cut-throat whom, condemn'd for murdring thine host, nothing
but the fall of the stage could have sav'd? You make a noise, thou
night-pad, who when at thy best hadst never to do with any woman but a
bawd? On what account, think ye, was I the same to you in the aviary,
that the boy here, now is!"

"And who but you," interrupted I, "gave me that slip in the portico?"
"Why what, my Man of Gotham," continu'd he, "must I have done, when I
was dying for hunger? Hear sentence forsooth, that is, the ratling of
broken glasses, and the expounding of dreams? So help me Hercules, as
thou art the greater rogue of the two, who to get a meals meat wert
not asham'd to commend an insipid rhimer." When at last, having
turn'd the humour from scolding to laughing, we began to talk soberly.

But the late injury still sticking in my stomach, "Ascyltos," said I,
"I find we shall never agree together, therefore let's divide the
common stock, and each of us set up for himself: Thou'rt a piece of a
scholar, and I'll be no hindrance to thee, but think of some other
way; for otherwise we shall run into a thousand mischiefs, and become
town-talk."

Ascyltos was not against it; and "Since we have promis'd," said he,
"as scholars, to sup together, let's husband the night too: and
to-morrow I'll get me a new lodging, and some comrade or other."

"'Tis irksome," said I, "to defer what we like" (the itch of the flesh
occasion'd this hasty parting, tho' I had been a long time willing to
shake off so troublesome an observer of my actions, that I might renew
my old intrigue with my Gito).

Ascyltos taking it as an affront, without answering, went off in a
heat: I was too well acquainted with his subtle nature, and the
violence of his love, not to fear the effects of so suddain a breach,
and therefore made after him, both to observe his designs and prevent
them; but losing sight of him, was a long time in pursuit to no
purpose.

When I had search'd the whole town, I return'd to my lodging, where,
the ceremony of kisses ended, I got my boy to a closer hug, and,
enjoying my wishes, thought myself happy even to envy: Nor had I done
when Ascyltos stole to the door, and springing the bolt, found us at
leap-frog; upon which, clapping his hands, he fell a laughing, and
turning me out of the saddle; "What," said he, "most reverend
gentleman, what were you doing, my brother sterling?" Not content
with words only, but untying the thong that bound his wallet, he gave
me a warning, and with other reproaches, "As you like this, so be for
parting again."

The unexpectedness of the thing made me take no notice of it, but
politickly turn it off with a laugh; for otherwise I must have been at
loggar-heads with my rival: Whereas sweetening him with a counterfeit
mirth, I brought him also to laugh for company: "And you, Encolpius,"
began he, "are so wrapt in pleasures, you little consider how short
our money grows, and what we have left will turn to no account:
There's nothing to be got in town this summertime, we shall have
better luck in the country; let's visit our friends."

Necessity made me approve his advice, as well as conceal the smart of
his lash; so loading Gito with our baggage, we left the city, and went
to the house of one Lycurgus, a Roman knight; who, because Ascyltos
had formerly been his pathick, entertain'd us handsomly; and the
company, we met there, made our diversions the pleasanter: For, first
there was Tryphœna, a very beautiful woman, that had come with one
Lycas, the owner of a ship, and of a small seat, that lay next the
sea.

The delight we receiv'd in this place was more than can be exprest,
tho' Lycurgus's table was thrifty enough: The first thing was every
one to chuse his play-mate: The fair Tryphœna pleas'd me, and
readily inclin'd to me; but I had scarce given her the courtesie of
the house, when Lycas storming to have his old amour slockt from him,
accus'd me at first of under-dealing; but soon from a rival addressing
himself as a lover, he pleasantly told me, I must repair his damages,
and plyed me hotly: But Tryphœna having my heart, I could not lend
him an ear. The refusal set him the sharper; he follow'd me
where-ever I went, and getting into my chamber at night, when entreaty
did no good, he fell to downright violence; but I rais'd such an
outcry that I wak'd the whole house, and, by the help of Lycurgus, got
rid of him for that bout.

At length perceiving Lycurgus's house was not for his purpose, he
would have persuaded me to his own; but I rejecting the proffer, he
made use of Tryphœna's authority; and she the rather persuaded me
to yield to him, because she was in hopes of living more at liberty
there. I follow'd therefore whither my love led me; but Lycurgus
having renew'd his old concern with Ascyltos, wou'd not suffer him to
depart: At last we agreed, that he shou'd stay with Lycurgus, and we
go with Lycas: Over and beside which, it was concluded, that every of
us, as opportunity offer'd, should pilfer what he could for the common
stock.

Lycas was overjoy'd at my consent, and so hasten'd our departure,
that, taking leave of our friends, we arriv'd at his house the same
day. But in our passage he so order'd the matter that he sate next
me, and Tryphœna next Gito, which he purposely contriv'd to show
the notorious lightness of that woman; nor was he mistaken in her, for
she presently grew hot upon the boy: I was quickly jealous, and Lycas
so exactly remark'd it to me, that he soon confirm'd my suspicion of
her. On this I began to be easier to him, which made him all joy, as
being assur'd the unworthiness of my new mistress wou'd beget my
contempt of her, and resenting her slight, I shou'd receive him with
the better will.

So stood the matter while we were at Lycas's: Tryphœna was
desperately in love with Gito; Gito again as wholly devoted to her; I
car'd least for the sight of either of them; and Lycas studying to
please me, found me every day some new diversion: In all which also
his wife Doris, a fine woman, strove to exceed him, and that so gayly,
that she presently thrust Tryphœna from my heart: I gave her the
wink, and she return'd her consent by as wanton a twinckle; so that
this dumb rhetorick going before the tongue, secretly convey'd each
others mind.

I knew Lycas was jealous, which kept me tongue-ty'd so long, and the
love he bore his wife made him discover to her, his inclination to me:
But the first opportunity we had of talking together, she related to
me what she had learn'd from him; and I frankly confess'd it, but
withal told her how absolutely averse I had ever been to't: "Well
then," quoth the discreet woman, "we must try our wits, according to
his own opinion, the permission was one's, and the possession
another's."

By this time Gito had been worn off his legs, and was gathering new
strength, when Tryphœna came back to me, but disappointed of her
expectations, her love turn'd to a downright fury; and, all on fire
with following me to no purpose, got into my intrigue both with Lycas
and his wife: She made no account of his gamesomeness with me, as well
knowing it wou'd hinder no grist to her mill: But for Doris, she never
left till she had found out our private amours, and gave a hint of it
to Lycas; whose jealousie having got the upper hand of his love, ran
all to revenge; but Doris, advertis'd by Tryphœna's woman, to
divert the storm, forbore any such meetings.

As soon as I perceiv'd it, having curs'd the treachery of Tryphœna,
and the ingratitude of Lycas, I began to make off, and fortune
favour'd me: For a ship consecrated to the Goddess Isis, laden with
rich spoils, had the day before run upon the rocks.

Gito and I laid our heads together, and he was as willing as my self
to be gone; for Tryphœna having drawn him dry, began now not to be
so fond of him. Early the next morning therefore we march'd to
sea-ward, where with the less difficulty we got on board the ship,
because we were no strangers to Lycas's servants then in wait upon
her: They still honouring us with their company, it was not a time to
filch any thing; but, leaving Gito with them, I took an opportunity of
getting into the stern, where the image of Isis stood, and strip'd her
of a rich mantle, and silver taber, lifting other good booty out of
the master's cabin, I stole down by a rope, unseen by any but Gito;
who also gave them the slip and sculk'd after me.

As soon as I saw him I shew'd him the purchase, and both of us
resolv'd to make what haste we could to Ascyltos, but Lycurgus's house
was not to be reach'd the same day: When we came to Ascyltos we shew'd
him the prize, and told him in short the manner of getting it, and how
we were made a meer may-game of love: He advis'd us to prepossess
Lycurgus with our case, and make him our friend ere the others could
see him; and withal boldly assert it, that the trick Lycas would have
served them, was the only cause why they stole away so hastily; which
when Lycurgus came to understand, he swore he would at all times
protect us against our enemies.

Our fight was unknown till Tryphœna and Doris were got out of bed;
for we daily attended their levy, and waited on them while they were
dressing; but, when contrary to custom they found us missing, Lycas
tent after us, and especially to the sea-side, for he had heard we
made that way, but not a word of the pillage, for the ship lay
somewhat to sea-ward, and the master had not yet return'd on board.

But at last it being taken for granted we had run away, and Lycas
becoming uneasie for want of us, fell desperately foul on his wife,
whom he suppos'd to be the cause of our departure: I'll take no notice
of what words and blows past between them; I know not every
particular: I'll only say, Tryphœna, the mother of mischief, had
put Lycas in the head, that it might so be, we had taken sanctuary at
Lycurgus's, where she persuaded him to go in quest of the runnagates,
and promis'd to bear him company, that she might confound our
impudence with just reproaches.

The next day they accordingly set forward, and came to his house; but
we were out of the way: For Lycurgus was gone to a festival in honour
of Hercules, held at a neighbouring village, and had taken us with
him, of which when the others were inform'd, they made what haste they
could to us, and met us in the portico of the temple. The sight of
them very much disordered us: Lycas eagerly complained of our flight
to Lycurgus, but was received with such a bended brow, and so haughty
a look, that I grew valiant upon't, and with an open throat charg'd
him with his beastly attempts upon me, as well at Lycurgus's as in his
own house; and Tryphœna endeavouring to stop my mouth, had her
share with him, for I set out her harlotry to the mob, who were got
about us to hear the scolding: And as a proof of what I said, I shew'd
them poor sapless Gito, and my self also, whom that itch of the whore
had even brought to our graves.

The shout of the mob put our enemies so out of countenance that they
went off heavily, but contriving a revenge; and therefore observing
how we had put upon Lycurgus, they went back to expect him at his
house, and set him right again. The solemnity ending later than was
expected, we could not reach Lycurgus's that night, and therefore he
brought us to a half-way house, but left us asleep next morning, and
went home to despatch some business, where he found Lycas and
Tryphœna waiting for him, who so ordered the matter with him, that
they brought him to secure us. Lycurgus naturally barbarous and
faithless, began to contrive which way to betray us, and sent Lycas to
get some help, whilst he secured us in the village.

Thither he came, ard at his first entry, treated us as Lycas had done:
After which wringing his hands together, he upbraided us with the lye
we had made of Lycas, and taking Ascyltos from us, lock'd us up in the
room where we were, without so much as hearing him speak in our
defence; but carrying him to his house, set a guard upon us, till
himself should return.

On the road Ascyltos did what he could to mollifie Lycurgus; but
neither entreaties, nor love, nor tears doing any good on him, it came
into our comerades head to set us at liberty, and being all on fire at
Lycurgus's restiness, refus'd to bed with him that night, and by that
means the more easily put in execution what he had been thinking on.

The family was in their dead sleep when Ascyltos took our fardels on
his shoulders, and getting through a breach in the wall, which he had
formerly taken notice of, came to the village by break of day, and
meeting no one to stop him, boldly enter'd it and came up to our
chamber; which the guard that was upon us, took care to secure; but
the bar being of wood, he easily wrenched it with an iron crow, and
waken'd us; for we snor'd in spight of fortune.

Our guard had so over-watched themselves, that they were fall'n into a
dead sleep, and we only wak'd at the crack. To be short, Ascyltos
came in and briefly told us what he had done for our sakes: On this we
got up; and as we were rigging our selves, it came into my head to
kill the guard, and rifle the village; I told Ascyltos my mind. He
liked the rifling well enough, but gave us a wish'd delivery without
blood, for being acquainted with every corner of the house, he pick'd
the lock of an inner-room where the movables lay, and bringing us into
it, we lifted what was of most value, and got off while it was yet
early in the morning; avoiding the common road, and not resting till
we thought our selves out of danger.

Then Ascyltos having got heart again, began to amplifie the delight he
took in having pillag'd Lycurgus; of whose miserableness he, not
without cause, complain'd; for he neither paid him for his nights
service, nor kept a table that had either meat, or drink on't, being
such a sordid pinch-peny; that, notwithstanding his infinite wealth,
he deny'd himself the common necessaries of life.

Unhappy Tantalus, amidst the flood,
Where floating apple on the surface roll'd,
Ever pursu'd them with a longing eye,
Yet could not thurst nor hunger satisfie.
Such is the miser's fate; who midst his store,
Fearing to use, is miserably poor.

Ascyltos would have been for Naples the same day, had I not told him
how imprudent it was to take up there, where, forasmuch as could be
conjectur'd, we were most likely to be sought after: "And therefore,''
said I, "let's keep out of the way for the present, and, since we have
enough to keep us from want, stroul it about till the heat be over."
The advice was approv'd, and we set forward for a pleasant
country-town, where we were sure to meet some of our acquaintance that
were taking the benefit of the season: But we were scarce got half
way, when a shower of rain emptying it self upon us like buckets,
forc'd us into the next village; where entring the inn, we saw a great
many others that had also struck in, to avoid the storm. The throng
kept us from being taken notice of, and gave us the opportunity of
prying here and there, what we might filch in a crowd, when Ascyltos,
unheeded of any one, took a purse from the ground, in which he found
several pieces of gold; we leap'd for joy at so fortunate a beginning;
but fearing, lest some or other might seek after it, we slunk out at a
back-door, where we saw a groom saddling his horses; but, as having
forgotten somewhat, he run into the house leaving behind him an
embroider'd mantle, mail'd to one of the saddles: In his absence I cut
the straps and under the covert of some out-sheds we made off with it
to a neighbouring forest. Being more out of danger among the thickets
we cast about where we should hide the gold that we might not be
either charg'd with the felony, or robb'd of it our selves: At last we
concluded to sow it in the lining of an old patcht coat which I threw
over my shoulders and entrusted the care of the mantle to Ascyltos, in
design to get to the city by cross-ways: But as we were going out we
heard somewhat on our left hand to this purpose: "They shall not
escape us; they came into the wood; let's separate ourselves and beat
about, that we may the better discover and take them." This put us
into such a fright that Ascyltos and Gito fled through briars and
brambles to the city-ward; but I turn'd back again in such a hurry
that without perceiving it the precious coat drop'd from my shoulders:
At last being quite tir'd and not able to go any further, I laid me
down under the shelter of a tree where I first miss'd the coat: Then
grief restor'd my strength, and up I got again to try if I could
recover the treasure; I ran hither and thither and every where but to
no purpose; but spent and wasted between toil and heaviness, I got
into a thicket, where having tarried four hours, and half dead with
the horror of the place, I sought the way out; but going forward, a
country-man came in sight of me: Then I had need of all my confidence,
nor did it fail me: I went up roundly to him, and making my moan how I
had lost my self in the wood, desir'd him tell me the was to the city:
He pittying my figure (for I was as pale as death, and all bemir'd)
ask'd me if I had seen any one in the wood? I answer'd, not a
soul--on which he courteously brought me into the highway, where he
met two of his friends, who told him, they had travers'd the wood
thro' and thro' but had light upon nothing but a coat, which they
shew'd him.

It may easily be believed I had not the courage to challenge it, tho'
I knew well enough what the value of it was: This struck me more than
all the rest; however, bewailing my treasure, the country-man not
heeding me, and feebleness growing upon me, I slacken'd my pace, and
jogg'd on slower than ordinarily.

It was longer e're I reach'd the city than I thought of; but coming to
the inn, I found Ascyltos half dead, and stretcht on a straw pallet,
and fell on another my self, not able to utter a word: He missing the
coat was in a great disorder, and hastily demanded of me, what was
become of it: I on the other hand, scarce able to draw my breath,
resolv'd him by my languishing eyes, what my tongue would not give me
leave to speak: At length recovering by little and little, I plainly
told him the ill luck I had met with: But he thought I jested, and
tho' the tears in my eyes might have been as full evidence to him as
an oath, he yet questioned the truth of what I said, and would not
believe but I had a mind to cheat him. During this, Gito stood as
troubled as my self, and the boy's sadness increased mine: But the
fresh suit that was after us, distracted me most. I opened the whole
to Ascyltos who seem'd little concern'd at it, as having luckily got
off for the present, and withal assur'd himself, that we were past
danger, in that we were neither known, nor seen by any one: However,
it was thought fit to pretend a sickness, that we might have the
better pretext to keep where we were: But our monies falling shorter
than we thought of, and necessity enforcing us, we found it high time
to sell some of our pillage.

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