The Satyricon

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It was almost dark, when going into the brokers market, we saw
abundance of things to be bought and sold: of no extraordinary value,
'tis true; yet such whose night-walking trade, the dusk of the evening
might easily conceal. We also had the mantle with us, and taking the
opportunity of a blind corner, fell a shaking the skirt of it, to try
if so glittering a shew would bring us a purchaser; nor had we been
long there, e're a certain country-man, whom I thought I had seen
before, came up to us with a hussye that follow'd him, and began to
consider the mantle more narrowly, as on rhe other side did Ascyltos
our country chapman's shoulders, which presently startled him, and
struck him dumb, nor could my self behold 'em without being concern'd
at it, for he seemed to me to be the same fellow that had found the
coat in the wood, as in truth he was: But Ascyltos doubting whether he
might trust his eyes or not, and that he might not do any thing
rashly, first came nearer to him as a buyer, and taking the coat from
his shoulders, began to cheapen, and turn it more carefully. O the
wonderful vagaries of fortune! for the country-man had not so much as
examined a seam of it, but carelessly exposed it as beggars-booty.

Ascyltos seeing the coat unript, and the person of the seller
contemptible, took me aside from the crowd: And "Don't you see,
brother," said he, "the treasure I made such moan about is returned?
That's the coat with the gold in't, all safe and untoucht: What
therefore do we do, or what course shall we take to get our own
again?"

I now comforted, not so much that I had seen the booty, but had
clear'd my self of the suspicion that lay upon me, was by no means for
going about the bush, but down-right bringing an action against him,
that if the fellow would not give up the coat to the right owner, we
might recover it by law:

Laws bear the name, but money has the power;
The cause is bad when e'er the client's poor:
Those strickt liv'd men that seem above our world
Are oft too modest to resist our gold.
So judgment, like our other wares, is sold;
And the grave knight that nods upon the laws,
Wak'd by a fee, hems, and approves the cause.

Ascyltos on the other side afraid of the law, "Who," said he, "knows
us in this place, or will give any credit to what we say? I am clear
for buying it, tho' we know it to be our own, and rather recover the
treasure with a little money, than embroil our selves in an uncertain
suit"; but we had not above a couple of groats ready money, and that
we design'd should buy us somewhat to eat. Least therefore the coat
should be gone in the mean time, we agreed, rather than fail, to sell
the mantle at a lower price, that the advantage we got by the one,
might make what we lost by the other more easie.

As soon therefore as we had spread open the mantle, the woman that
stood muffled by the country-man, having pryingly taken notice of some
tokens about it, forceably laid both hands on't, and setting up her
throat, cryed out, "Thieves, thieves!"

We on the t'other part being disordered at it, lest yet he might seem
to do nothing, got hold of the totter'd coat, and as spitefully
roar'd, they had robb'd us of it: But our case was in no wise like
theirs, and the rabble that came in to the out-cry, ridicul'd, as they
were wont, the weaker side, in that the others laid claim to so rich a
mantle, and we to a ragged coat, scarce worth a good patch. At this
Ascyltos could hardly keep his countenance; but the noise being over,
We see, said he, how every one likes his own best, give us our coat,
and let them take the mantle.

The country-man and the woman lik'd the exchange well enough, but a
sort of petty-foggers, most of whose business was such night practice,
having a mind to get the mantle themselves, as importunately required,
that both mantle and coat should be left in their hands, and the judge
would hear their complaints on the morrow: For it was not the things
alone that seem'd to be in dispute, but quite another matter to be
enquir'd into, to wit, a strong suspicion of robbery on both sides.

At last it was agreed to put both into some indifferent hand, till the
right were determin'd; when presently one, I know not who, with a bald
pate, and a face full of pimples, he had been formerly a kind of
solicitor, steps out of the rout, and laying hold on the mantle, said
he'd be security it should be forth-coming the next day: when in truth
he intended nothing more, but that having gotten it into hucksters
hands, it might be smugled among them, as believing we would never
come to own it, for fear of being taken up for it; for our part we
were as willing as he; and an accident befriended both of us: For the
country-man thinking scorn of it, that we demanded to have the patcht
coat given us, threw it at Ascyltos's head, and discharging us of
everything but the mantle, required that to be secur'd as the only
cause of the dispute. Having therefore recovered, as we thought, our
treasure, we made all the haste we could to the inn, and having shut
the door upon us, made our selves merry, as well with the Judgment of
the rabble as of our detractors, who with so much circumspection had
restor'd us our money.

While we were ripping the coat and taking out the gold, we overheard
somebody asking mine host, what kind of people those were that had
just now come in, and being startled at it, I went down to see what
was the matter, and understood that a city serjeant, who according to
the duty of his office, took an account of all strangers, and had seen
a couple come into the inn, whose names he had not yet registered, and
therefore, inquired of what country they were, and what way of living
they had.

But mine host gave me such a blind account of it, that I began to
suspect we were not safe there; whereupon for fear of being taken up,
we thought fit to go off for the present, and not come back again till
it was in the night, but leave the care of our supper to Gito.

We had resolv'd to keep out of the broad streets, and accordingly took
our walk thro' that quarter of the city where we were likely to meet
least company; when in a narrow winding lane that had not passage
thro', we saw somewhat before us, two comely matron-like women, and
followed them at a distance to a chappel, which they entred, whence we
heard an odd humming kind of noise, as if it came from the hollow of a
cave: Curiosity also made us go in after them, where we saw a number
of women, as mad as they had been sacrificing to Bacchus, and each of
them an amulet (the ensign of Priapus) in her hand. More than that we
could not get to see; for they no sooner perceived us, than they set
up such a shout, that the roof of the temple shook agen, and withal
endeavoured to lay hands on us; but we scamper'd and made what haste
we could to the inn.

Nor had we sooner stuff'd our selves with the supper Gito had got for
us, when a more than ordinary bounce at the door, put us into another
fright; and when we, pale as death, ask'd who was there, 'twas
answer'd, "Open the door and you'll see:" While we were yet talking,
the bolt drop'd off, and the door flew open, on which, a woman with
her head muffl'd came in upon us, but the same who a little before had
stood by the country-man in the market: "And what," said she, "do you
think to put a trick upon me? I am Quartilla's maid, whose sacred
recess you so lately disturb'd: she is at the inn-gate and desires to
speak with ye: not that she either taxes your inadvertency, or has a
mind to so resent it, but rather wonders, what god brought such civil
gentlemen into her quarters."

We were silent as yet, and gave her the hearing, but inclin'd to
neither part of what she had said, when in came Quartilla herself,
attended with a young girl, and sitting down by me, fell a weeping:
nor here also did we offer a word, but stood expecting what those
tears at command meant. At last when the showre had emptied it self,
she disdainfully turn'd up her hood and clinching her fingers
together, till the joints were ready to crack, "What impudence," said
she, "is this? or where learnt ye those shamms, and that slight of
hand ye have so lately been beholding to? By my faith, young men, I
am sorry for ye; for no one beheld what was unlawful for him to see,
and went off unpunisht: and verily our part of the town has so many
deities, you'll sooner find a god than a man in't: And that you may
not think I came hither to be revenged on ye, I am more concern'd for
your youth, than the injury ye have done me: for unawares, as I yet
think, ye have committed an unexpiable abomination.

"For my part it troubled me all night, and threw me into such a
shaking, that I was afraid I had gotten a tertian, on which I took
somewhat to have made me sleep; but the god appeared to me, and
commanded me to rise and find ye out, as the likeliest way to take off
the violence of the fit. But I am not so much in pain for a remedy,
as that a greater anguish strikes me to the heart, and will
undoubtedly make an end of me, for fear in one of your youthful
frolicks, you should disclose what you saw in Priapus's chappel, and
utter the counsels of the gods among the people. Low as your knees, I
therefore lift my hands t'ye, that ye neither make sport of our
night-worship, nor dishonour the mysteries of so many years, which,
'tis not every one, even among our selves, that knows."

After this she fell a crying again, and with many a pittiful groan,
fell flat on my bed: when I at the same time, between pity and fear,
bid her take courage and assure her self of both; for that we would
neither divulge those holy mysteries; nor if the god had prescribed
her any other remedy fot her ague, be wanting our selves to assist
providence, even with our own hazard.

At this promise of mine, becoming more chearful, she fell a kissing me
thick and threefold, and turning the humour of tears into laughing,
she comb'd up some hair that hung over my face with her fingers, and,
"I come to a truce with ye," said she, "and discharge ye of the
process I intended against you: but if ye shou'd refuse me the
medicine I entreat of ye for the ague, I have fellows enough will be
ready by to morrow, that shall both vindicate my reputation, and
revenge the affront ye put upon me.

"Contempt's dishono'rable, and the giver rude,
T'advise the doctor, speaks the patient proud:
But l am mistress of my self so far,
I can pay scorn with scorn without a war:
The wise revenge is to neglect the ill,
They're not the only conquerours that kill."

Then clapping her hands together, she turn'd off to so violent a
laughter, that made us apprehensive of some design against us; the
same also did the woman that came in first, and the girl that came
with her; but so mimically, that seeing no reason for so sudden a
change, we one while star'd on one another, and otherwhile on the
woman.

At length, quoth Quartilla, "I have commanded, that no flesh alive be
suffered to come into this inn to day; that I may receive from you the
medicine for the ague without interruption."

At what time Ascyltos was a little amaz'd, and I so chill'd that I had
not power to utter a word: But the company gave me heart not to expect
worse, for they were but three women, and if they had any design, must
yet be too weak to effect it against us, who if we had nothing more of
man about us, had yet that figure to befriend us: We were all girt up
for the purpose, and I had so contriv'd the couples, that if it must
come to a rancounter, I was to make my part good with Quartilla,
Ascyltos with her woman, and Gito the girl.

While I was thus casting the matter in my head, Quartilla came up to
me, to cure me of the ague, but finding her self disappointed, flew
off in a rage, and returning in a little while, told us, there were
certain persons unknown, had a design upon us, and therefore commanded
to remove us into a noble palace.

Here all our courage fail'd us, and nothing but certain death seem'd
to appear before us.

Then I began, "If, madam, you design to be more severe with us, be yet
so kind as to dispatch it quickly; for whate'er our offence be, it is
not so hainous that we ought to be rack'd to death for it": Upon which
her woman, whose name was Psyche, spread a coverlet on the floor,
Sollicitavit inguina mea mille iam mortibus frigida. Ascyltos muffled
his head in his coat, as having had a hint given him, how dangerous it
was to take notice of what did not concern him. In the mean time
Psyche took off her garters, and with one of them bound my feet, and
with the other my hands.

Thus fetter'd as I lay, "This, madam," said I, "is not the way to rid
you of your ague." "I grant it," answer'd Psyche, "but I have a Dose
at hand will infallibly do it" and therefore brought me a lusty bowl
of satyricon, (a love-potion) and so merrily ran over the wonderful
effects of it, that I had well-nigh suck'd it all off; but because
Ascyltos had slighted her courtship, she finding his back towards her,
threw the bottom of it on him.

Ascyltos perceiving the chat was at an end, "Am not I worthy," said
he, "to get a sup?" And Psyche fearing my laughter might discover
her, clapped her hands, and told him, "Young-man I made you an offer
of it, but your friend here has drunk it all out."

"Is it so," quoth Quartilla, smiling very agreeably, "and has
Ercolpius gugg'd it all down?" At last also even Gito laught for
company, at what time the young wench flung her arms about his neck,
and meeting no resistance, half smother'd him with kisses.

We would have cry'd out, but there was no one near to help us; and as
I was offering to bid 'em keep the peace, Psyche fell a nipping and
pricking me with her bodkin: on the other side also, the young wench
half stifled Ascyltos with a dish-clout she had rubb'd in the bowl.

Lastly came leaping upon us a burdash, in a rough mantle stuck with
myrtle, girt about him; and one while almost ground our hipps to
powder with his bobbing at us, and other while slobber'd us with his
nasty kisses; till Quartilla, holding her staff of office in her hand,
discharg'd us of the service; but not without having first taken an
oath of us, that so dreadful a secret should go no further than our
selves. Then came in a company of wrestlers, and rubb'd us over with
the yolk of an egg beaten to oil: When being somewhat refresh'd, we
put on our right gowns, and were led into the next room, that had
three beds in it, all well appointed, and the rest of the
entertainment as splendidly set out. The word was given, and we sate
down, when having whet our appetites with an excellent antipast, we
swill'd our selves with the choicest of wine; nor was it long e'er we
fell a nodding. "It is so," quoth Quartilla; "can ye sleep when ye
know it is the vigil to Priapus?" at what time Ascyltos snor'd so
soundly, that Psyche, not yet forgeting the disapointment, he gave
her, all besooted his face, and scor'd down his shoulders with a burnt
sticks end.

Plagu'd with these mischiefs, I hardly got the least wink of sleep,
nor was the whole family, whether within doors or without, in a much
better condition, some lay up and down at our feet, others had run
their heads against the walls, and others lay dead asleep cross the
threshold: The lamps also having drunk up their oil, gave a thin and
last blaze.

At this instant got in a couple of pilfering rogues to have stollen
our wine; but while they fell a scuffling among some silver vessels
that stood upon the table, they broke the earthen pot that held the
wine, and overthrew the table, with the plate on it, and at the same
time also, a cup falling off the shelf on Psyche's bed, broke her head
as she lay fast asleep; on which he cry'd out, and therewith
discovered the thieves, and wak'd some of the drunkards: The thieves
on the other hand finding themselves in a pound, threw themselves on
one of the beds, as some of the guests, and fell a snoring like the
rest. The usher of the hall being by this time got awake, put some
more oil in the dying lamps; and the boys, having rubb'd their eyes,
return'd to their charge, when in came a woman that play'd on the
harp, and ratling its strings, rous'd all the rest: On which the
banquet was renew'd, and Quartilla gave the word, to go on where we
left (that is drinking): The she harper also added not a little to our
midnight revel.

At last bolted in a shameless rascal, one of no grace either in words
or gesture, and truly worthy of the house where he was; he also set up
his voice, 'till apishly composing himself, as if he intended somewhat
to the company, he mouth'd out these verses:

O yes! Now tumblers with your wanton tricks,
Make haste, move your legs quick, make the ground drum;
With wanton arms, soft thighs, and active hips,
The old, the tender, and the sweetly young.

Consumptis versibus suis immundissimo me basio conspuit. Mox et super
lectum venit atque omni vi detexit recusantem. Super inguina mea diu
multumque frustea moluit. Profluebant per frontem sudantem acaciae
rivi, et inter rugas malarum tantum erat cretae, ut putares detectum
parictum nimbo laborare. Non tenui ego diutius lacrimas, sed ad
ultiman, perductus tristitiam. "Quaeso," inquam, "domina, certe
embasicoetan iusseras dari." Complosit illa tenerius manus et "O"
inquit "homincm acutum atque urbanitatis vernaculae fontem. Quid? tu
non intellexeras cinaedum embasicoetan vocari?" Deinde ut
contubernali meo melius succederet, "Per fidem" inquam "vestram,
Ascyltos in hoc triclinio solus ferias aglt?" "Ita" inquit Quartilla
"et Ascylto embasicoetas detur." Ab hoc voce equum cinaedus mutavit
transituque ad comitem meum facto clunibus eutn basiisque distrivit.
Stabat inter haec Giton et risu disolvebat ilia sua. Itaque
conspicata eum Quartilla, cuius esset puer, diligentissima
sciscitatione quaesivit. Cum ego fratrem meum esse dixissem, "Quare
ergo" inquit "me non basiavit?" Vocatumque ad se in osculum
applicuit. Mox manum etiam demisit in sinum et pertrectato vasculo
tam rudi "Haec" inquit "belle cras in promulside libidinis nostrae
militabit: hodie enim post asellum diari non sumo." With that Psyche
came tittering to her, and having whispered I know not what in her
ear, Thou art in the right, quoth Quartilla, 'twas well thought on;
and since we have so fine an opportunity, why should not our Pannychis
lose her maidenhead? And forthwith was brought in a pretty young
girl, that seem'd not to be above seven years of age, and was the same
that first came into our room with Quartilla: All approv'd it with a
general clap, ard next desiring it, a wedding was struck up between
the boy and her. For my part I stood amaz'd, and assur'd them, that
neither Gito, a bashful lad, was able for the drudgery, nor the girl
of years to receive it. "Ita," inquit Quartilla, "minor eat ista quam
ego fui, quum primum virum passa sum? Iunonem meam iratam habeam, si
umquam me meminerim virginem fuisse. Nam et infans cum paribus
inclinata sum, et subinde procedentibus annis maioribus me pueris
applicui, donec ad hanc aetatem perveni. Hinc etiam puto proverbium
natum illud, ut dicatur posse taurum tollere, qui vitulum sustulerit."

Least therefore my comrade might run a greater hazard, I got up to the
wedding.

And now Psyche put a flame-colour veil on the girl's head; the pathick
led before with a flamboe, and a long train of drunken women, fell a
shouting, and drest up the bride-chamber; Quartilla, all a-gog as the
rest, took hold of Gito and dragg'd him in with her: But truly the boy
made no resistance; nor seem'd the girl frighted at the name of
matrimony. When therefore they were lockt up, we sat without, before
the threshold of the chamber; and Quartilla having waggishly slit a
chink thro' the door, as wantonly laid an ape's eye to it; nor content
with that, pluck't me also to see that childs play, and when we were
not peeping, would turn her lips to me, and steal a kiss.

The jade's fulsomeness had so tir'd me that I began to devise which
was to get off. I told Ascyltos my mind, and he was well pleased with
it, for he was a willing to get rid of his torment, Psyche: Nor was it
hard to be done, if Gito had not been lockt up in the chamber; for we
were resolved to take him with us, and not leave him the mercy of a
bawdy-house. While we were contriving how to effect it, it so
happened that Pannychis fell out of bed, and drew Gito after her,
without any hurt, though the girl got a small knock in the fall, and
therewith made such a cry, that Quartilla, all in a fright, ran
headlong in, and gave us the opportunity of getting off, and taking
the boy with us; when without more ado, we flew to our inn, and
getting to bed, past the rest of the night without fear.

But going out the next day, whom should we meet but two of those
fellows that robb'd us of the mantle, which Ascyltos perceiving, he
briskly attack'd one of them, and having disarm'd and desperately
wounded him, came in to my relief; who was pressing upon the other,
but he behav'd himself so well, that he wounded us both, altho' but
slightly, and got off himself without so much as a scratch.

And now came the third day, that is the expectation of an
entertainment at Trimalchio's, where every one might speak what he
would: But having received some wounds, we thought flight might be of
more use to us than sitting still: We got to our inn therefore, as
fast as we could, and our wounds not being great, cured them as we lay
in bed, with wine and oyl.

But the rogue whom Ascyltos had hewn down, lay in the street, and we
were in fear of being discovered, while therefore we were pensively
considering which way to avoid the impending storm, a servant of
Agamemnon's interrupted our fears: "And do not ye know," said he,
"with whom we eat to-day? Trimalchio, a trim finical humorist has a
clock in his dining-room, and one on purpose to let him know how many
minutes of his life he had lost." We therefore drest our selves
carefully, and Gito willingly taking upon him the part of a servant,
as he had hither to done, we bade him put our things together, and
follow us to the bath.

Being in the mean time got ready, we walk'd we knew not where, or
rather, having a mind to divert us, struck into a tennis-court, where
we saw an old bald-pated fellow in a carnation-colour'd coat, playing
at ball with a company of boys, nor was it so much the boys, tho' it
was worth our while, that engaged us to be lookers on as the master of
the house himself in pumps, who altogether tossed the ball, and never
struck it after it once came to the ground, but had a servant by him,
with a bag full of them, ard enough for all that play'd.

We observed also some new things; for in the gallery stood two
eunuchs, one of whom held a silver chamber-pot, the other counted the
balls, not those they kept tossing, but such as fell to the ground.
While we admir'd the humour, one Menelaus came up to us, and told us
we were come where we must set up for the night, and we had seen the
beginning of our entertainment. As he was yet talking, Trimalchio
snapp'd his fingers, at which sign the eunuch held the chamber-pot to
him as he was playing; then calling for water, he dipped the tips of
his fingers in it, and dry'd them on the boys head. 'Twould be too
long to recount every thing: We went into the hot-house, and having
sweated a little, into the cold bath; and while Trimalchio was
anointed from head to foot with a liquid perfume, and rubb'd clean
again, not with linnen but with finest flannen, his three chyrurgeons
ply'd the muscadine, but brawling over their cups; Trimalchio said it
was his turn to drink; then wrapt in a scarlet mantle, he was laid on
a litter born by six servants, with four lacqueys in rich liveries
running before him, and by his side a sedan, in which was carried his
darling, a stale bleer-eyed catamite, more ill-favoured than his
master Trimalchio; who at they went on, kept close to his ear with a
flagellet as if he had whispered him, and made him musick all the way.
Wondering, we followed, and, with Agamemnon, came to the gate, on
which hung a tablet with this inscription:

WHAT EVER SERVANT GOES FORTH WITHOUT HIS MASTER'S COMMAND, HE SHALL
RECEIVE AN HUNDRED STRIPES.

In the porch stood the porter in a green livery, girt about with a
cherry-coloured girdle, garbling of pease in a silver charger; and
over head hung a golden cage with a magpye in it, which gave us an All
Hail as we entred: But while I was gaping at these things, I had like
to have broken my neck backward, for on the left hand, not far from
the porter's lodge, there was a great dog in a chain painted on the
wall, and over him written in capital letters, BEWARE THE DOG. My
companions could not forbear laughing; bur I recollecting my spirits,
pursued my design of going to the end of the wall; it was the draught
of a market-place where slaves were bought and sold with bills over
them: There was also Trimalchio with a white staff in his hand, and
Minerva with a train after her entring Rome: Then having learnt how to
cast accompt, he was made auditor; all exquisitely painted with their
proper titles; and at the end of the gallery Mercury lifting him by
the chin, and placing him on a judgment-seat. Fortune stood by him
with a cornucopia, and the three fatal sisters winding a golden
thread.

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