The Satyricon

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I observed also in the same place a troop of light-horsemen, with
their commander exercising them, as also a large armory, in one of the
angles of which stood a shrine with the gods of the house in silver, a
marble statue of Venus, and a large golden box, in which it was said
he kept the first shavings of his beard. Then asking the servant that
had the charge of these things, what pictures those were in the
middle? The Iliads and the Odysses, said he, and on the left-hand two
spectacles of sword-playing. We could not bestow much time on it, for
by this time we were coming to the dining-room, in the entry of which
sate his steward, taking every one's account: But what I most admir'd,
were those bundles of rods, with their axes, that were fastned to the
sides of the door, and stood, as it were, on the brazen prow of a
ship, on which was written,

TO CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO OF PRÆTORIAN DIGNITY; CINNAMUS THE
STEWARD.

Under the same title also, hung a lamp of two lights from the roof of
the room, and two tablets on either side of the door; of which one, if
I well remember, had this inscription,

THE THIRD AND SECOND OF THE KALENDS OF JANUARY, OUR PATRON CAIUS EATS
ABROAD.

On the other was represented the course of the moon, and the seven
stars; and what days were lucky, what unlucky, with an emboss'd studd
to distinguish the one from the other.

Full of this sensuality we were now entring the room, where one of his
boys, set there for that purpose, call'd aloud to us, "ADVANCE
ORDERLY." Nor is it to be doubted, but we were somewhat concern'd for
fear of breaking the orders of the place. But while we were footing
it accordingly, a servant stript off his livery, fell at our feet, and
besought us to save him a whipping; for he said his fault was no great
matter, but that some cloaths of the stewards had been stolen from him
in the bath, and all of them not worth eighteen-pence.

We returned therefore in good order, and finding the steward in the
counting-house telling some gold, besought him to remit the servant's
punishment: When putting on an haughty face, "It is not," said he,
"the loss of the thing troubles me, but the negligence of a careless
rascal. He has lost me the garments I sate at table in, and which a
client of mine presented me on my birth-day: no man can deny them to
be right purple, tho' not double dye; yet whatever it be, I grant your
request."

Having receiv'd so great a favour, as we were entring the dining-room,
the servant for whom we had been suitors, met us, and kissing us, who
stood wondring what the humour meant, over and over gave us thanks for
our civility; and in short told us we should know by and by, whom it
was we had oblig'd: The wine which our master keeps for his own
drinking, is the waiters kindness.

At length we sate down, when a bigger and sprucer sort of boys coming
about us, some of them poured snow-water on our heads, and others
par'd the nails of our feet, with a mighty dexterity, and that not
silently, but singing as it were by the bye: I resolved to try if the
whole family sang; and therefore called for drink, which one of the
boys a readily brought me with an odd kind of tune; and the same did
every one as you asked for any thing: You'd have taken it for a Morris
dancers hall, not the table of a person of quality.

Then came a sumptuous antepast; for we were all seated, but only
Trimalchio, for whom, after a new fashion, the chief place was
reserv'd. Besides that, as a part of the entertainment, there was set
by us a large vessel of metheglin, with a pannier, in the one part of
which were white olives, in the other black; two broad platters
covered the vessel, on the brims of which were engraven Trimalchio's
name, and the weight of the silver, with little bridges soldered
together, and on them dormice strew'd over with honey and poppy: There
were also piping-hot sausages on a silver gridiron, and under that
large damsons, with the kernels of pomegranats.

In this condition were we when Trimalchio himself was waddled into the
consort; and being close bolster'd with neck-cloaths and pillows to
keep off the air, we could not forbear laughing unawares: For his bald
pate peep'd out of a scarlet mantle, and over the load of cloaths he
lay under, there hung an embroidered towel, with purple tassels and
fringes dingle dangle about it: He had also on the little finger of
his left hand, a large gilt ring, and on the outmost joint of the
finger next it, one lesser, which I took for all gold; but at last it
appeared to be jointed together with a kind of stars of steel. And
that we might see these were not all his bravery, he stripp'd his
right arm, on which he wore a golden bracelet, and an ivory circle,
bound together with a glittering locket and a meddal at the end of it:
Then picking his teeth with a silver pin, "I had not, my friends,"
said he, "any inclination to have come among you so soon, but fearing
my absence might make you wait too long, I deny'd myself my own
satisfaction; however suffer me to make an end of my game": There
followed him a boy with an inlaid table and christal dice; and I took
notice of one thing more pleasant than the rest; for instead of black
and white counters, his were all silver and gold pieces of money.

In the mean time while he was squandering his heap at play, and we
were yet picking a relish here and there, a cupboard was brought in
with a basket, in which was a hen carved in wood, her wings lying
round and hollow, as sitting on brood; when presently the consort
struck up, and two servants fell a searching the straw under her, and
taking out some peahens eggs, distributed them among the company: At
this Trimalchio changing countenance, "I commanded my friends," said
he "the hen to be set with peahens eggs; and so help me Hercules, am
afraid they may be half hatcht: however we'll try if they are yet
suppable."

The thing we received was a kind of shell of at least six pounds
weight, made of paste, and moulded into the figure of an egg, which we
easily broke; and for my part, I was like to have thrown away my
share; for it seemed to me to have a chick in it; till hearing an old
guest of the tables saying, it was some good bit or other, I searched
further into it, and found a delicate fat wheatear in the middle of a
well-pepper'd yolk: On this Trimalchio stopped his play for a while,
and requiring the like for himself, proclaim'd, if any of us would
have any more metheglin, he was at liberty to take it; when of a
sudden the musick gave the sign, and the first course was scrabled
away by a company of singers and dancers; but in the rustle it
happening that a dish fell on the door, a boy took it up, and
Trimalchio taking notice of it, pluck'd him by the ears, and commanded
him to throw it down again; on which the groom of the chamber came
with a broom and swept away the silver dish, with whatsoever else had
fallen from the table.

When presently came in two long-hair'd blacks, with small leather
bottles, such as with which they strew sand on the stage, and gave us
wine to wash our hands, but no one offered us water. We all admiring
the finicalness of the entertainment, "Mars," said he, "is a lover of
justice, and therefore let every one have a table to himself, for
having more elbow-room, these nasty stinking boys will be less
troublesome to us"; and thereupon large double-eared vessels of glass
close plaistered over, were brought up with labels about their necks,
upon which was this inscription:

OPIMIAN MUSCADINE OF AN HUNDRED YEARS OLD.

While we were reading the titles, Trimalchio clapped his hands, and
"Alas, alas," said he, "that wine should live longer than man! Wine
is life, and we'll try if it has held good ever since the consulship
of Lucius Opimius, or not. 'Tis right Opimian, and therefore make
ready; I brought not out so good yesterday, yet there were persons of
better quality sup'd with me."

We drank and admired every thing, when in came a servant with a silver
puppet, so jointed and put together that it turned every way; and
being more than once thrown upon the table, cast it self into several
figures; on which Trimalchio came out with his poetry:

Unhappy mortals, on how fine a thread
Our lives depend! How like this puppet man,
Shall we alas! be all when we are dead!
Therefore let's live merrily while we can.

The applause we gave him, was followed with a service, but respecting
the place not so considerable as might have been expected: However,
the novelty of the thing drew every man's eye upon it; it was a large
charger, with the twelve signs round it; upon every one of which the
master cook had laid somewhat or other suitable to the sign. Upon
Aries, chick-pease, (a pulse not unlike a ram's head); upon Taurus a
piece of beef; upon Gemini a pair of pendulums and kidneys; upon
Cancer a coronet; upon Leo an African figg; upon Virgo a well-grown
boy; upon Libra a pair of scales, in one of which was a tart, in the
other a custard; upon Scorpio a pilchard; upon Sagittary a grey-hound;
upon Capricorn a lobster; upon Aquarius a goose; upon Pisces two
mullets; and in the middle a plat of herbs, cut out like a green turf,
and over them a honey-comb. During this, a lesser black carry'd about
bread in a silver oven, and with a hideous voice, forced a bawdy song
from a buffoon that stunk like assa fœtida.

When Trimalchio perceived we look'd somewhat awkwardly on such course
fare, "Come, come," said he, "fall to and eat, this is the custom of
the place."

Nor had he sooner said it, than the fourth consort struck up; at which
the waiters fell a dancing, and took off the upper part of the
charger, under which was a dish of cramm'd fowl, and the hinder paps
of a sow that had farrowed but a day before, well powdered, and the
middle a hare, stuck in with finns of fish in his side, that he look'd
like a flying horse; and on the sides of the fish four little images,
that spouted a relishing sauce on some fish that lay near them, all of
them brought from the river Euripus.

We also seconded the shout begun by the family, and fell merrily
aboard this; and Trimalchio no less pleas'd than our selves, cryed
"Cut"; at which the musick sounding again, the carver humour'd it, and
cut up the meat with such antick postures, you'd have thought him a
carman fighting to an organ.

Nevertheless Trimalchio in a lower note, cryed out again "Cut:" I
hearing the word so often repeated, suspecting there might be some
joke in it, was not ashamed to ask him that sate next above me, what
it meant? And he that had been often present at the like, "You see,"
said he, "him that carves about, his name is cutter; and as often as
he says 'Cut,' he both calls and commands."

The humour spoiled my stomach for eating; but turning to him that I
might learn more, I made some pleasant discourse to him at a distance;
and at last asked him what that woman was that so often scutled up and
down the room.

"It is," said he, "Trimalchio's wife, her name Fortunata, she measures
money by the bushel; but what was she not long since? Pardon me sir,
you would not have touch'd her with a pair of tongs, but now, no one
knows how, or wherefore she's got into heaven; and is Trimalchio's all
in all: In short, if she says it is mid-night at mid-day, he'll
believe her. He's so very wealthy, he knows not what he has; but she
has an eye every where; and when you least think to meet her: She's
void of all good counsel, and withal of all ill tongue; a very pye at
his bolster; whom she loves she loves; and whom she does not love, she
does not love.

"Then for Trimalchio, he has more lands than a crow can fly over;
monies upon monies: There lies more silver in his porters lodge, than
any one man's whole estate. And for his family, hey-day, hey-day,
there is not (so help me Hercules) one tenth of them that know their
master. In brief, there is not one of those fools about him, but he
can turn him into a cabbage-stalk. Nor is there any occasion to buy
any thing, he has all at his own door; wooll, marte, pepper, nay hens
milk; do but beat about and you'll find it. In a word, time was, his
wooll was none of the best, and therefore he bought rams at Tarentum
to mend this breed; an in like manner he did by his honey, by bringing
his bees from Athens. It is not long since but he sent to the Indies
for mushroom-seed: Nor has he so much as a mule that did not come of a
wild ass. See you all these quilts? there is not one of them whose
wadding is not the finest comb'd wooll of violet or scarlet colour,
dy'd in grain. O happy man! but have a care how you put a slight on
those freed men, they are rich rogues: See you him that sits at the
lower-end of the table, he has now the Lord knows what; and 'tis not
long since he was not worth a groat, and carried billets and faggots
at his back; it is said, but I know nothing of it myself, but as I
have heard, either he got in with an old hog-grubbler, or had to do
with an incubus, and found a treasure: For my part, I envy no man, (if
God gives anything it is a bit of a blow, and wills no evil to himself
) he lately set up this proclamation:

"C. POMPEIUS DIOGENES HAS SOME LODGINGS
TO LET, FOR HE HATH BOUGHT A HOUSE."

"But what think you of him who sits in the place of a late slave? how
well was he once? I do not upbraid him: He was once worth a hundred
thousand sesterstias, but has not now a hair of his head that is not
engaged; nor, so help me Hercules, is it his own fault: There is not a
better humour'd man than himself; but those rascally freed-men have
cheated him of all: For know, when the pot boyls, and a man's estate
declines, farewell friends. And what trade do you think he drove? He
had the setting forth of grave men's funerals; and with that eat like
a prince: He had his wild boars served up covered; pastry-meats,
fowl-cooks, bakers: More wine was thrown under his table than most men
have in their cellars; a meer phantasm: And when his estate was going,
and he feared his creditors might fall upon him, he made an auction
under this title:

"JULIUS PROCULUS WILL MAKE AN AUCTION
OF SEVERAL GOODS HE HAS NO USE OF."

The dish was by this time taken away, and the guests grown merry with
wine, began to talk of what was done abroad, when Trimalchio broke the
discourse; and leaning on his elbow, "This wine," said he, "is worth
drinking, and fish must swim; but do you think I am satisfied with
that part of your supper you saw in the charger? Is Ulysses no better
known? what then; we ought to exercise our brains as well as our
chaps; and shew, that we are not only lovers of learning, but
understand it: Peace rest my old tutor's bones who made me a man
amongst men: No man can tell me any thing that is new to me; for, like
him, I am master of the practicks.

"This heaven, that's inhabited by twelve gods, turns it self into as
many figures; and now 'tis Aries: He that's born under that sign has
much cattle, much wooll, and to that a jolt-head, a brazen-face, and
will be certainly a cuckold: There are many scholars, advocates, and
horned beasts, come into the world under this sign. We praised our
nativity-caster's pleasantness, and he went on then again: The whole
Heaven is Taurus, and wonder it e'er bore foot-ball-players,
herds-men, and such as can shift for themselves. Under Gemini are
foaled coach-horses, oxen calved, great baubles, and such as can claw
both sides are born. I was born my self under Cancer, and therefore
stand on many feet, as having large possessions both by sea and land.
For Cancer suits one as well as the other, and therefore I put nothing
upon him, that I might not press my own geniture. Under Leo,
spendthrifts and bullies: under Virgo, women, runagates, and such as
wear iron garters: under Libra, butchers, slipslop-makers, and men of
business: under Scorpio, empoisoners and cut-throats: under Sagittary,
such as are goggle-ey'd, herb-women, and bacon-stealers: under
Capricorn, poor helpless rascals, to whom yet Nature intended horns to
defend themselves: under Aquarius, cooks and paunch-bellies: under
Pisces, caterers and orators: And so the world goes round like a mill,
and is never without its mischief; that men be either born or perish.
But for that tuft of herbs in the middle, and the honey-comb upon it,
I do nothing without just reason for it: Our mother the earth is in
the middle, made round like an egg, and has all good things in her
self, like a honeycomb."

"Most learnedly," we all cry'd; and lifting our hands, swore, neither
Hipparebus nor Aratus were to be compared to him, till at last other
servants came in and spread coverlets on the beds, on which were
painted nets, men in ambush with hunting-poles, and whatever
appertained to hunting: Nor could we yet tell what to make of it: when
we heard a great cry without, and a pack of beagles came and ran round
the table, and after them a large trey, on which was a boar of the
first magnitude, with a cap on his head, (such as slaves at their
making free, had set on theirs in token of liberties) on his tusks
hung two wicker baskets, the one full of dates, the other of almonds;
and about him lay little pigs of marchpane, as if they were sucking:
They signified a sow had farrowed, and hang there as presents for the
guests to carry away with them.

To the cutting up this boar, here came not he that had carried about
the fowl as before, but a swinging fellow with a two-handed beard,
buskins on his leggs, and a short embroidered coat; who drawing his
wood-knife, made a large hole in the boar's side, out of which flew a
company of blackbirds: Then fowlers stood ready with their engines and
caught them in a trice as they fluttered about the room: On which
Trimalchio ordering to every man his bird, "See," said he, "what kind
of acorns this wild boar fed on:" When presently the boys took off the
baskets and distributed the dates and almonds among the guests.

In the mean time, I, who had private thoughts of my own, was much
concerned, to know why the boar was brought in with a cap upon his
head; and therefore having run out my tittle-tattle, I told my
interpreter what troubled me: To which he answered, "Your boy can even
tell ye what it means, for there's no riddle in it, but all as clear
as day. This boar stood the last of yester-nights supper, and
dismiss'd by the guests, returns now as a free-man among us." I curst
my dulness, and asked him no more questions, that I might not be
thought to have never eaten before with men of sense.

While we were yet talking, in came a handsome boy with a wreath of
vine leaves and ivy about his head; declaring himself one while
Bromius, another while Lyccus, and another Euphyus (several names of
Bacchus) he carried about a server of grapes, and with a clear voice,
repeated some of his master's poetry, at which Trimalchio turning to
him, "Dionysius," said he, "be thou Liber," (i.e.) free, (two other
names of Bacchus) whereupon the boy took the cap from off the boar's
head, and putting it on his own, Trimalchio added, "You will not deny
me but I have a father, Liber." We all praised the conceit, and
soundly kissed the boy as he went round us.

From this up rose Trimalchio, and went to the close-stool; we also
being at liberty, without a tyrant over us fell to some table-talk.

When presently one calling for a bumper, "The day," said he, "is
nothing, 'tis night e're the scene turn, and therefore nothing is
better than to go straight from bed to board. We have had a great
deal of frost, the bagnio has scarce heated me; but a warm drinking is
my wardrobe-keeper: For my part, I have spun this days thread; the
wine is got into my noddle, and I am down-right--"

Selucus went on with the rest, "And I," said he, "do not bathe every
day, for he where I use to bathe is a fuller: Cold water has teeth in
it, and my head grows every day more washy than others, but when I
have got my dose in my guts, I bid defiance to cold: Nor could I well
do it to day, for I was at a funeral, a jolly companion, and a good
man was he, Crysanthus has breathed his last: 'Tis not long since we
were together, and methinks I talk with him now. Alas, alas! we are
but blown bladders, less than flies, yet they have somewhat in them:
But we are meer bubbles. You'll say he would not be rul'd; not a drop
of water, or crumb of bread went down his throat in five days: And yet
he's gone, or that he died of the doctor. But I am of opinion his
time was come; for a physician is a great comfort. However, he was
well carried out of his house upon a rich bed, and mightily lamented,
he made some of his servants free; but his wife seem'd not much
concerned for him. You'll say again he was not kind to her; but women
are a kind of kites; whatever good is done them, 'tis the same as if
it were thrown in a well; and old love is as bad as a goal."

At this Philaos grew troublesome, and cryed out, "Let us remember the
living: He had what was due to him; as he liv'd so he dy'd; and what
has he now that any man moans the want of it? He came from nothing,
and to his dying-day would have taken a farthing from a dunghil with
his teeth; therefore as he grew up, he grew like a honey-comb. He
dy'd worth the Lord knows what, all ready money. But to the matter; I
have eaten a dog's tongue and dare speak truth: He had a foul mouth,
was all babble; a very make-bate, not a man. His brother was a brave
fellow, a friend to his friends, of an open hand, and kept a full
table: He did not order his affairs so well at first as he might have
done; but the first vintage made him up again; for he sold what wine
he would; and what kept up his chin was the expectation of a
reversion; the credit of which brought him more than was left him; for
his brother taking a pelt at him, devised the estate to I know not
whose bastard: He flies far that flies his relations. Besides, this
brother of his had whisperers about him, that were back-friends to the
other: but he shall never do right that is quick of belief, especially
in matter of business; and yet 'tis true, he'll be counted wise while
he lives, to whom the thing whatever it be is given, nor he that ought
to have had it. He was without doubt, one of fortune's sons; lead in
his hand would turn to gold, and without trouble too, where there are
not rubbs in the way. And how many years think ye he liv'd?
Seventy-odd: but he was as hard as horn, bore his age well, and as
black as a crow.

"I knew him some years ago an oilman, and to his last a good womans
man; but withal such a miser, that (so help me Hercules) I think he
left not a dogg in his house. He was also a great whore-master, and a
jack of all trades; nor do I condemn him for't, for this was the only
secret he kept to himself and carry'd with him."

Thus Phileros and Gammedes, as followeth: "Ye talk of what concerns
neither Heaven nor Earth, when in the mean time no man regards what
makes all victuals so scarce: I could not (so help me Hercules) get a
mouthful of bread to day: and how? The drought continues: For my
part, I have not fill'd my belly this twelve-month: A plague on these
clerks of the market, the baker and they juggle together; take no
notice of me, I'll take no notice of thee; which make the poorer sort
labour for nothing, while those greater jaw-bones make festival every
day. Oh that we had those lyons I now find here, when I first came
out of Asia, that had been to live: The inner part of Sicily had the
like of them, but they so handled the goblins, even Jupiter bore them
no good-will. I remember Safinius, when I was a boy, he liv'd by the
old arch; you'd have taken him for pepper-corn rather than a man;
where-ever he went the earth parched under him; yet he was honest at
bottom; one might depend on him; a friend to his friend, and whom you
might boldly trust in the dark. But how did he behave himself on the
bench? He toss'd every one like a ball; made no starch'd speeches,
but downright, as he were, doing himself what he would persuade
others: But in the market his noise was like a trumpet, without
sweating or spueing. I fancy he had somewhat, I know not what, of the
Asian humour: then so ready to return a salute, and call every one by
his name, as if he had been one of us. In his time corn was as common
as loam; you might have bought more bread for half a farthing, than
any two could eat; but now the eye of an ox will cost you twice as
much: Alas! alas! we are every day worse and worse, and grow like a
cows tail, downward: And why all this? We have a clerk of the market
not worth three figgs, and values more the getting of a doit himself,
than any of our lives: 'Tis this makes him laugh in his sleeve; for he
gets more money in a day than many an honest man's whole estate: I
know not how he got the estate he has; but if we had any thing of men
about us, he would not hug himself as he does, but now the people are
grown to this pass, that they are lyons at home, and foxes abroad: For
my part, I have eaten up my cloaths already, and if corn holds at the
rate it does, I shall be forc'd to sell house and all: For what will
become of us, if neither gods nor men pity us? Let me never enjoy my
friends more, than I believe all this comes from Heaven; for no one
thinks there is any such thing; no one keeps a fast, or value Jupiter
a hair, but shuts his eyes and reckons what he is worth. Time was,
when matrons went bare-foot with dishevel'd hair, pure minds, and
pray'd him to send rain, and forthwith it rained pitcher-fulls, or
then or never, and every one was pleased: Now the gods are no better
than mice; as they tread, their feet are wrapt in wooll; and because
ye are not superstitious your lands yield nothing."

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