The Satyricon

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"More civilly, I beseech ye," said Echion the hundred-constable; "it
is one while this way, and another while that, said the country-man
when he lost his speckled hogg: What is not to day may be to morrow;
and thus is life hurried about, so help me Hercules, a country is said
not to be the better that it has many people in it, tho' ours at
present labours under that difficulty, but it is no fault of hers: We
must not be so nice, Heaven is equally distant every where; were you
in another place you'd say hoggs walked here ready dress'd: And now I
think on't, we shall have an excellent show these holy-days, a
fencing-prize exhibited to the people; not of slaves bought for that
purpose, but most of them freemen. Our patron Titus has a large soul,
but a very devil in his drink, and cares not a straw which side gets
the better: I think I should know him, for I belong to him; he's of a
right breed both by father and mother, no mongril. They are well
provided with weapons, and will fight it out to the last: the theatre
will look like a butchers shambles, and he has where-withal to do it;
his father left him a vast sum, and let him make ducks and drakes with
it never so much, the Estate will bear it, and he always carries the
reputation of it. He has his waggon horses, a woman-carter, and
Glyco's steward, who was taken a-bed with his mistress; what a busle's
here between cuckolds and cuckold-makers! But this Glyco a
money-broker, condemned his steward to fight with beasts; and what was
that but to expose himself for another? where lay the servant's crime,
who perhaps was oblig'd to do what he did: She rather deserv'd to be
brain'd, than the bull that tossed her; but he that cannot come at the
arse, thrashes at the pack-saddle: yet how could Glyco expect
Hermogine's daughter should make a good end? She'd have pared the
claws of a flying kite; a snake does not bring forth a halter: Glyco
might do what he would with his own; but it will be a brand on him as
long as he lives; nor can any thing but Hell blot it out; however,
every man's faults are his own. I perceive now what entertainment
Mammea is like to give us; he'll be at twopence charges for me and my
company; which if he does, he will pull Narbanus clean out of favour;
for you must know, he'll live at the full height; yet in truth what
good has he done us? He gave us a company of gittiful sword-players,
but so old and decrepid, that had you blown on them, they'd have
fallen of themselves: I have seen many a better at a funeral pile; he
would not be at the charge of lamps for them; you'd have taken them
for dunghil cocks fighting in the dark; one was a downright fool, and
withal gouty; another crump-footed, and a third half dead, and
hamstrung: There was one of them a Thracian, that made a figure, and
kept up to the rule of fighting; but upon the whole matter, all of
them were parted, and nothing came of this great block-headed rabble,
but a downright running away: And yet, said he, I made ye a show, and
I clap my hands for company; but cast up the account, I gave more than
I received; one hand rubs another. You Agamemnon seem to tell me what
would that trouble some fellow be at; because you that can speak, and
do not, you are not of our form, and therefore ridicule what poor men
say; tho', saving the repute of a scholar, we know you are but a meer
fool. Where lies the matter then? let me persuade you to take a walk
in the country, and see our cottage, you'll find somewhat to eat; a
chicken, some eggs, or the like: The tempestuous season had like to
have broke us all, yet we'll get enough to fill the belly. Your
scholar, my boy Cicero, is mightily improved, and if he lives, you'll
have a servant of him; he is pretty forward already, and whatever
spare time he has, never off a book: He's a witty lad, well-featur'd,
takes a thing without much study, tho' yet he be sickly: I killed
three of his linnets the other day, and told him the weasels had eaten
them; yet he found other things to play with, and has a pretty knack
at painting: He has a perfect aversion to Greek, but seems better
inclined to Latin; tho' the master he has now humours him in the
other; nor can he be kept to one thing, but is still craving more, and
will not take pains with any. There is also another of this sort, not
much troubled with learning, but very diligent, and teaches more than
he knows himself: He comes to our house on holidays, and whatever you
give him he's contented; I therefore bought the boy some ruled books,
because I will have him get a smattering in accounts and the law; it
will be his own another day: He has learning enough already, but if he
takes back to it again, I design him for a trade, a barber, a parson,
or a lawyer, which nothing but the devil can take from him: How oft
have I told him, Thou art (Sirrah) my first begotten, and believe thy
father, whatever thou learnest 'tis all thy own: See there Philero the
lawyer, if he had not been a scholar he might have starved; but now
see what trinkums he has about his neck, and dares nose Narbanus.
Letters are a treasure, and a trade never dies."

Thus, or the like, we were bandying it about when Trimalchio return'd,
and having wip'd the slops from his face, wash'd his hands, and in a
very little time, "Pardon me, my friends," said he, "I have been
costive for several days, and my physicians were to seek about it,
when a suppository of pomegranate wine, with the liquor of a pine-tree
and vinegar relieved me; and now I hope my belly may be ashamed if it
keep no better order; for otherwise I have such a rumbling in my guts,
you'd think an ox bellowed; and therefore if any of you has a mind, he
need not blush for the matter; there's not one of us born without some
defect or other, and I think no torment greater than wanting the
benefit of going to stool, which is the only thing even Jupiter
himself cannot prevent: And do you laugh, Fortunata, you that break me
so often of my sleep by nights; I never denyed any man do that in my
room might pleasure himself, and physicians will not allow us to keep
any thing in our bodies longer than we needs must; or if ye have any
farther occasion, every thing is ready in the next room: Water,
chamber-pots, close-stools, or whatever else ye may need; believe me,
this being hard-bound, if it get into the head, disturbs the whole
body; I have known many a man lost by it, when they have been so
modest to themselves as not to tell what they ailed."

We thank'd him for his freeness, and the liberty he gave us, when yet
to suppress our laughter, we set the glasses about again; nor did we
yet know that in the midst of such dainties we were, as they say, to
clamber another hill; for the cloth being again taken away, upon the
next musick were brought in three fat hogs with collars and bells
about their necks; and he that had the charge of them told us, the one
was two years old, the other three, and the third full grown. I took
it at first to have been a company of tumblers, and that the hogs, as
the manner is, were to have shewn us some tricks in a ring, till
Trimalchio breaking my expectation, "Which of them," said he, "will ye
have for supper? for cocks, pheasants, and the like trifles are but
country fare, but my cooks have coppers will boil a calf whole;" and
therewith commanding a cook to be called for, he prevented our choice
by ordering him to kill the largest, and with a loud voice, asked him,
Of what rank of servants in that house he was? to which he answering,
of the fortieth: "Were you bought," said the other, "or born in my
house?" "Neither," said the cook, "but left you by Pansa's
testament." "See then," said Trimalchio, "that you dress it as it
should be, or I'll send you to the galleys." On which the cook,
advertised of his power, went into the kitchin to mind his charge.

But Trimalchio turning to us with a pleasanter look, asked if the wine
pleased us, "If not," said he, "I'll have it changed, and if it does,
let me see it by your drinking: I thank the gods I do not buy it, but
have everything that may get an appetite growing on my own grounds
without the city, which no man that I know but my self has; and yet it
has been taken for Tarracino and Taranto. I have a project to joyn
Sicily to my lands on the continent, that when I have a mind to go
into Africa, I may sail by my own coasts. But prithee Agamemnon tell
me what moot-point was it you argued to day; for tho' I plead no
causes my self, yet I have had a share of letters in my time; and that
you may not think me sick of them now, have three libraries, the one
Greek, the other two Latin; therefore as you love me tell me what was
the state of the question:" "The poor and the rich are enemies," said
Agamemnon: "And what is poor," answered Trimalchio? "Spoke like a
gentleman," replyed Agamemnon. But making nothing of the matter, "If
it be so," said Trimalchio, "where lies the dispute? And if it be not
so, 'tis nothing."

While we all humm'd this and the like stuff, "I beseech ye," said he,
"my dear Agamemnon, do you remember the twelve labours of Hercules, or
the story of Ulysses, how a Cyclop put his thumb out of joint with a
mawkin? I read such things in Homer when I was a boy; nay, saw my
self the Sybil of Curna hanging in a glass bottle: And when the boys
asked her, 'Sybil, what wouldst thou?' She answered, 'I would die.'"

He had not yet run to the end of the rope, when an over-grown hog was
brought to the table. We all wondered at the quickness of the thing,
and swore a capon could not be dress'd in the time; and that the more,
because the hog seemed larger than was the boar, we had a little
before: When Trimalchio looking more intent upon him, "What, what,"
said he, "are not his guts taken out? No, (so help me Hercules) they
are not! Bring hither, bring hither this rogue of a cook." And when
he stood hanging his head before us, and said, he was so much in haste
he forgot it. "How, forgot it," cry'd out Trimalchio! "Do ye think
he has given it no reasoning of pepper and cummin? Strip him:" When
in a trice 'twas done, and himself set between two tormentors:
However, we all interceded for him, as a fault that might now and then
happen, and therefore beg'd his pardon; but if he ever did the like,
there was no one would speak for him; tho' for my part, I think he
deserved what he got: And so turning to Agamemnon's ear, "This
fellow," said I, "must be a naughty knave; could any one forget to
bowel a hog? I would not (so help me Hercules) have forgiven him if
he had served me so with a single fish." But Trimalchio it seems, had
somewhat else in his head; for falling a laughing, "You," said he,
"that have so short a memory, let's see if you can do it now." On
which, the cook having gotten his coat again, took up a knife, and
with a feigned trembling, ripp'd up the hog's belly long and thwart,
when immediately its own weight tumbled out a heap of hogs-puddings
and sausages.

After this, as it had been done of it self, the family gave a shout,
and cry'd out, "Health and prosperity to Caius!" The cook also was
presented with wine, a silver coronet, and a drinking goblet, on a
broad Corinthian plate: which Agamemnon more narrowly viewing; "I am,"
said Trimalchio, ''the only person that has the true Corinthian
vessels."

I expected, that according to the rest of his haughtiness, he would
have told us they had been brought him from Corinth: But he better:
"And perhaps," said he, "you'll ask me why I am the only person that
have them. And why, but the copper-smith from whom I buy them, is
called Corinthus? And what is Corinthian but what is made by
Corinthus? But that ye may not take me for a man of no sence, I
understand well enough whence the word first came. When Troy was
taken, Hannibal, a cunning fellow, but withal mischievous, made a pile
of all the brazen, gold and silver statues, and burnt them together,
and thence came this mixt metal; which workmen afterwards carried off;
and of this mass made platters, dishes, and several other things; so
that these vessels are neither this nor that metal, but made of all of
them. Pardon me what I say; however others may be of another mind, I
had rather have glass ware; and if it: were not so subject to
breaking, I'd reckon it before gold; but now it is of no esteem.

"There was a copper-smith that made glass vessels of that pliant
harness, that they were no more to be broken than gold and silver
ones: It so happened, that having made a drinking-pot, with a wide
mouth of that kind, but the finest glass, fit for no man, as he
thought, less than Cæsar himself; he went with his present to
Cæsar, and had admittance: The kind of the gift was praised, the
hand of the workman commended, and the design of the giver accepted.
He again, that he might turn the admiration of the beholders into
astonishment, and work himself the more into the Emperor's favour,
pray'd the glass out of the Emperor's hand; and having received it,
threw it with such a force against the paved floor, that the most
solid and firmest metal could not but have received some hurt thereby.
Cæsar also was no less amazed at it, than concerned for it; but the
other took up the pot from the ground, not broken but bulg'd a little;
as if the substance of metal had put on the likeness of a glass; and
therewith taking a hammer out of his pocket, he hammer'd it as it had
been a brass kettle, and beat out the bruise: And now the fellow
thought himself in Heaven, in having, as he fansied, gotten the
acquaintance of Cæsar, and the admiration of all: But it fell out
quite contrary: Cæsar asking him if any one knew how to make this
malleable glass but himself? And he answering, there was not, the
Emperor commanded his head to be struck off: 'For,' said he, 'if this
art were once known, gold and silver will be of no more esteem than
dirt.'

"And for silver, I more than ordinarily affect it: I have several
water-pots more or less, whereon is the story how Cassandra killed her
son's, and the dead boys are so well embossed, you'd think them real.
I have also a drinking cup left me by an advocate of mine, where
Dædalus puts Niobe into the Trojan horse, as also that other of
Hermerotes; that they may stand as a testimony, there's truth in cups,
and all this massy; ror will I part with what I understand of them at
any rate."

While he was thus talking, a cup dropt out of a boy's hand; on which,
Trimalchio looking over his shoulder at him, bad him begone, and kill
himself immediately; "for," said he, "thou art careless and mind'st
not what thou art about." The boy hung his lip, and besought him; but
he said, "What! dost thou beseech me, as if I required some difficult
matter of thee? I only bid thee obtain this of thy self, that thou be
not careless again." But at last he discharged him upon our entreaty.
On this the boy run round the table and cry'd, "Water without doors,
and wine within." We all took the jest, but more especially
Agamemnon, who knew on what account himself had been brought thither.

Trimalchio in the mean time hearing himself commended, drank all the
merrier, and being within an ace of quite out, "Will none of you,"
said he, "invite my Fortunata to dance? Believe me, there's no one
leads a country dance better:" And with that, tossing his hands round
his head, fell to act a jack-pudding; the family all the while
singing, 'youth it self, most exactly youth it self ;' and he had
gotten into the middle of the room, but that Fortunata whispered him,
and I believe told him, such gambols did not become his gravity. Nor
was there any thing more uneven to it self; for one while he turned to
his Fortunata, and another while to his natural inclination: But what
disturbed the pleasure of her dancing, was his notaries coming in;
who, as they had been the acts of a common council, read aloud:

'VII. of the Calends of August born in Trimalchio's manner of cumanum,
thirty boys and forty girls, brought from the threshing-floor into the
granary, five hundred thousand bushels of wheat. The same day broke
out a fire in a pleasure-garden that was Pompey's, first began in one
of his bayliffs houses.'

"How's this," said Trimalchio: "When were those gardens bought for
me?" "The year before," answered his notary, "and therefore not yet
brought to account."

At this Trimalchio fell into a fume; and "whatever lands," said he,
"shall be bought me hereafter, if I hear nothing of it in six months,
let them never, I charge ye, be brought to any account of mine." Then
also were read the orders of the clerks of the markets, and the
testaments of his woodwards, rangers, and park-keepers, by which they
disinherited their relations, and with ample praise of him, declare
Trimalchio their heir. Next that, the names of his bayliffs; and how
one of them that made his circuits in the country, turned off his wife
for having taken her in bed with a barber; the door-keeper of his
baths turn'd out of his place; the auditor found short in his
accounts, and the dispute between the grooms of his chamber ended.

At last came in the dancers on the rope, and a gorbelly'd blockhead
standing out with a ladder, commanded his boy to hopp every round
singing, and dance a jigg on the top of it, and then tumble through
burning hoops of iron, with a glass in his mouth. Trimalchio was the
only person that admir'd it, but withal said, he did not like it; but
there were two things he could willingly behold, and they were the
flyers on the high rope, and quails; and that all other creatures and
shows were meer gewgaws: "For," said he, "I bought once a sett of
stroulers, and chose rather to make them merry-andrews than comedians;
and commanded my bag-piper to sing in Latin to them."

While he was chattering all at this rate, a boy chanced to stumble
upon him, on which the family gave a shriek, the same also did the
guests; not for such a beast of a man, whose neck they could willingly
have seen broken, but for fear the supper should break up ill, and
they be forc'd to wail the death of the boy.

Whatever it were, Trimalchio gave a deep groan; and leaning upon his
arm as if it had been hurt, the physicians ran thick about him, and
with the first, Fortunata, her hair about her ears, a bottle of wine
in her hand, still howling, miserable unfortunate woman that she was!
Undone, undone. The boy on the other hand, ran under our feet, and
beseeched us to procure him a discharge: But I was much concern'd,
lest our interposition might make an ill end of the matter; for the
cook that had forgotten to bowel the hog was still in my thoughts. I
began therefore to look about the room, for fear somewhat or other
might drop through the ceiling; while the servant that had bound up
his arm in white, not scarlet-colour flannen, was soundly beaten: Now
was I much out, for instead of another course, came in an order of
Trimalchio's by which he gave the boy his freedom; that it might not
be said, so honourable a person had been hurt by his slave. We all
commended the action, but chatted among our selves with what little
consideration the things of this world were done. "You're in the
right," said Trimalchio; "nor ought this accident to pass without
booking;" and so calling for the journal, commanded it to be entered;
and with, as little thought, tumbled out these verses:

"What's least expected falls into our dish,
And fortune's more indulgent than our wish:
Therefore, boy, fill the generous wine about."

This epigram gave occasion to talk of the poets, and Marsus, the
Trachian, carry'd the bays a long while: till Trimalchio (turning to
some wit amongst them) "I beseech ye, master of mine," said he, "tell
me what difference take ye between Cicero the orator, and Publius the
poet? for my part I think one was more eloquent, the other the
honester man; for what could be said better than this."

"Now sinking Rome grows weak with luxury,
To please her appetite cram'd peacocks die:
Their gaudy plumes a modish dress supply.

For her the guinnea hen and capon's drest:
The stork it self for Rome's luxurious taste,
Must in a caldron build its humbl'd nest.

That foreign, friendly, pious, long-leg'd thing,
Grateful, that with shrill sounding notes dost sing
All winter's gone; yet ushers in the spring.
Why in one ring must three rich pearls be worn,
But that your wives th' exhausted seas adorn,
Abroad t' increase their lust, at home their scorn?

Why is the costly emerald so desir'd,
Or richer glittering carbuncle admir'd,
Because they sparkle, is't with that you're fir'd?
Well, honesty's a jewel. Now none knows
A modest bride from a kept whore by 'er cloaths;
For cobweb lawns both spouse and wench expose."

"But, now we talk after the rate of the learned, which," said he, "are
the most difficult trades? I think a physician and a banker: a
physician, because he know's a man's very heart, and when the fits of
an ague will return; tho' by the way, I hate them mortally; for by
their good will I should have nothing but slubber-slops: And a banker,
because he'll find out a piece of brass money, tho' plated with
silver.

"There are also brute beasts, sheep and oxen, laborious in their kind:
Oxen, to whom we are beholding for the bread we eat; and sheep, for
the wooll, that makes us so fine. But O horrid! we both eat the
mutton, and make us warm with the fleece. I take the bees for divine
creatures; they give us honey, tho' 'tis said they stole it from
Jupiter, and that's the reason why they sting: For where-ever ye meet
any thing that's sweet you'll ever find a sting at the end of it."

He also excluded philosophers from business, while the memoirs of the
family were carrying round the table, and a boy, set for that purpose,
read aloud the names of the presents, appointed for the guests, to
carry home with them. Wicked silver, what can it not? Then a gammon
of bacon was set on the table, and above that several sharp sauces, a
night-cap for himself, pudding-pies, and I know not what kind of
birds: There was also brought in a rundlet of wine, boiled off a third
part, and kept under ground to preserve its strength: There were also
several other things I can give no account of; besides apples,
scallions, peaches, a whip, a knife, and what had been sent him; as
sparrows, a flye-flap, raisons, Attick honey, night-gowns, judges
robes, dry'd paste, table-books, with a pipe and a foot-stool: After
which came in an hare and a sole-fish: And there was further sent him
a lamprey, a water-rat, with a frog at his tail, and a bundle of
beets.

Long time we smiled at these, and five hundred the like, that have now
slipt my memory: But now when Ascyltos, who could not moderate
hirnself, held up his hands and laught at every thing; nay so
downright, that he was ready to cry: A free-man of Trimalchio's that
sate next above me, grew hot upon't; and "What," said he, "thou sheep,
what dost thou laugh at? does not this sumptuousness of my master
please you? you're richer (forsooth) and eat better every day; so may
the guardian of this place favour me, as had I sate near him, I'd hit
him a box on the ear ere this: A hopeful cullion, that mocks others;
some pitiful night-walker, not worth the very urine he makes; and
should I throw mine on him, knows not where to dry himself. I am not
(so help me Hercules) quickly angry, yet worms are bred even in tender
flesh. He laughs! what has he to laugh at? what wooll did his father
give for the bantling? Is he a Roman knight? I am the son of a king.
How came I then, you'll say, to serve another? I did it of my self,
and had rather be a citizen of Rome, than a tributary king, and now
hope to live so, as to be no man's jeast. I walk like other men, with
an open face, and can shew my head among the best, for I owe no man a
groat; I never had an action brought against me, or said to me on the
exchange, Pay me what thou owest me. I bought some acres in the
country, and have everything suitable to it: I feed twenty mouths,
besides dogs: I ransomed my bond-woman, lest another should wipe his
hands on her smock; and between our selves, she cost me more than I'll
tell ye at present. I was made a captain of horse gratis, and hope so
to die, that I shall have no occasion to blush in my grave: But art
thou so prying into others, that thou never considerest thy self?
Canst thou spy a louse on another man's coat, and not see the tyck on
thy own? Your master then is ancienter than your self, and 't please
him; but yet thou, whose milk is not yet out of thy nose; that can'st
not say boh to a goose; must you be making observations? Are you the
wealthier man? If you are, dine twice, and sup twice; for my part, I
value my credit more than treasures: Upon the whole matter, where's
the man that ever dunn'd me twice? Thou pipkin of a man, more limber,
but nothing better than a strap of wet leather, I have served forty
years in this house, came into it with my hair full grown; this palace
was not then built, yet I made it my business to please my master, a
person of honour, the parings of whose nails are more worth than thy
whole body. I met several rubs in my way, but by the help of my good
angel, I broke through them all: This is truth; it is as easie to make
a hunting-horn of a sow's tail, as to get into this company. What
make ye in a dump now, like a goat at a heap of stones?"

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