The Satyricon

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On this Gito, who stood behind him, burst out a laughing; which the
other taking notice of, fell upon the boy; and, "Do you," said he,
"laugh too, you curl-pated chattering magpye? O the Saturnals! Why
how now, sirrah! is it the month of December? When were you twenty, I
pray? What would this collop dropt from the gibbet, this crows-meat,
be at? I'll find some or other way for Jupiter to plague thee, and
him that bred thee no better, or never let me eat a good meals-meat
again: I could, sirrah, but for the companies sake, I spare thee; tho'
either we understand not aright, or they are sots themselves that
carry no better a hand over thee; for without doubt it is true, like
master like man. I am hot by nature, and can scarce contain my self;
give me but a mess of peaseporridge, and I care not two-pence for my
mother. Very well, I shall meet thee abroad, thou mouse; nay, rather
mole-hill. May I never thrive more, but I'll drive that master of
thine into a blade of rue; nor shalt thou (so help me Hercules) 'scape
me, tho' thou couldst call in Jupiter to thy aid: I shall off with
those locks, and take thee when that trifling master of thine shall be
out of the way; thou wilt certainly fall into my hands, and either I
know not my self, or I'll make thee leave that buffoonry: Tho' thy
beard were of gold, I'll have thee bruised in a mortar, and him that
first taught thee: I never studied geometry, criticism, and meer words
without sence, but I understand the fitting of stones for buildings;
can run you over a hundred things, as to metal, weight, coin, and that
to a tittle; if you have a mind you and I will try it between us: I'll
lay thee a wager, thou wizard, and tho' I am wholly ignorant of
rhetorick, thou'lt presently see thou hast lost: Let no one run about
the bush to me; I come up to him: Resolve me, I say, 'which of us
runs, yet stirs not out of his place: which of us grows bigger, and
yet is less.' Do you scamper? Can't you tell what to make of it, that
you look so like a mouse in a trap? Therefore either hold thy tongue,
or don't provoke a better man than thy self, who does not think thee
fram'd of nature, unless thou fansiest me taken with those yellow
curl'd locks, which thou hast already vowed to some whore or other. O
lucky opportunity! Come, let's walk the exchange, and see which of us
can take up money: You'll be satisfied then, this iron has credit
upon't; a pretty thing, is it not! a drunken fox. So may I gain while
I live, and die well; but the people will brain me if I follow not
that coat on thy back, which is not for thy wearing, where-ever thou
goest: He's a precious tool too, whoever he were, that taught thee; a
piece of green cheese, no master. I have learn'd as well as another
man, and my master said it would be my own another day. Save your
worship! get home as fast as you can, but look well about you, and
have a care how you speak irreverently of your betters, or vie estates
with them; he that does it, his purse shall feel it: For my self, that
you see me as I am, I thank my stars for the art I have."

Ascyltos was making answer to his railing; when Trimalchio, pleased
with that good grace of speaking, "Go to," said he, "no more of this
wild talk, let us rather be pleasant: And you Hermeros, bear with the
young-man, his blood boils; be thou the soberer man; he that is
overcome in this matter, goes off conqueror: Even thy self, when thou
wert such another capon, hadst nothing but coco, coco, and no heart at
all. Let us therefore, which is the better of the two, be heartily
merry, and expect some admirers of Homer, that will be here
presently."

Nor were the words scarce out of his mouth, when in came a band of
men, and made a rustling with their spears and targets. Trimalchio
leaned on his pillow, the Homerists ratled out Greek verses, as,
arrogantly enough, they were wont to do, and he read a Latin book with
a loud voice: whereupon silence being made, "Know ye," said he, "what
fable they were upon?

"Diomedes and Ganymede were two brothers, and Helen was their sister;
Agamemnon stole him away, and shamm'd Diana with a hind in his room,
as says Homer in this place; and how the Trojans and the Parentines
fought among themselves; but at last he got the better of it, and
married his daughter Iphigenia to Achilles; on which Ajax run mad.
And there's an end of the tale."

On this the Homerists set up a shout, and a young boiled heifer with
an helmet on her head, was handed in upon a mighty charger: Ajax
followed, and with a drawn sword, as if he were mad, made at it, now
in one place, then in another, still acting a Morris-dancer; till
having cut it into joints, he took them upon the point of his sword,
and distributed them. Nor had we much time to admire the conceit; for
of a sudden the roof gave a crack, and the whole room shook: For my
part, I got on my feet, but all in confusion, for fear some tumbler
might drop on my head; the same also were the rest of the guests;
still gaping and expecting what new thing should come from the clouds:
when straight the main beams opened, and a vast circle was let down,
all round which hung golden garlands, and alabaster pots of sweet
ointments.

While we were required to take up these presents, I chanced to cast an
eye upon the table, where there lay a fresh service of cheese-cakes
and tarts, and in the midst of them a lusty rundlet, stuck round with
all sorts of apples and grapes, as they commonly draw that figure.

We greedily reached our hands towards it, when of a sudden, a new
diversion gave us fresh mirth; for all the cheese-cakes, apples and
tarts, upon the least touch, threw out a delicious liquid perfurne,
which fell upon us.

We judging the mess to be sacred, that was so gorgeously set out,
stood up and began a health to the august founder, the father of his
country: After which reverence, failing to catch that catch could, we
filled our napkins and I chiefly, who thought nothing too good for my
boy Gito.

During this, in came three boys in white, their coats tuck'd about
them; of whom, two set on the table three household gods with broaches
about their necks, and the other bearing round us a goblet of wine,
cry'd aloud, "Be the gods favourable!" "The name of this," said he,
"is cobler, that other's good-luck, and the third's spend-all:" And as
the image of Trimalchio was carryed round, and every one kiss'd it, we
thought it a shame not to do as the rest of the company.

After this, when all of us had wished him health and happiness,
Trimalchio, turning to Niceros, "You were wont," said he, "to be a
good companion, but what's the matter we get not a word from ye now?
Let me entreat ye, as you would see me happy, do not break an old
custom."

Niceros, pleased with the frankness of his friend: "Let me never
thrive," said he, "if I am not ready to caper out of my skin, to see
you in so good a humours; therefore what I say shall be all mirth;
tho' I am afraid those grave fopps may laugh: but let them look to 't,
I'll go on nevertheless; for what am I the worse for any one swearing?
I had rather they laugh at what I say, than at my self."

Thus when he spake---- ----he began this tale:--

"While I was yet a servant we liv'd in a narrow lane, now the house of
Gavilla: There, as the gods would have it, I fell in love with
Tarentius's wife; he kept an eating-house. Ye all knew Melissa
Tarentina, a pretty little punching-block, and withal beautiful; but
(so help me Hercules) I minded her not so much for the matter of the
point of that, as that she was good-humour'd; if I asked her any
thing, she never deny'd me; and what money I had, I trusted her with
it; nor did she ever fail me when I'd occasion. It so happened, that
a she-companion of hers had dy'd in the country, and she was gone
thither; how to come at her I could not tell; but a friend is seen at
a dead lift; it also happened my master was gone to Capua to dispatch
somewhat or other: I laid hold of the opportunity, and persuaded mine
host to take an evenings walk of four or five miles out of town, for
he was a stout fellow, and as bold as a devil: The moon shone as
bright as day, and about cock-crowing we fell in with a burying-place,
and certain monument of the dead: my man loitered behind me
a-star-gazing, and I sitting expecting him, fell a singing and
numbering them; when looking round me, what should I see but mine host
stript stark-naked, and his cloaths lying by the high-wayside. The
sight struck me every where, and I stood as if I had been dead; but he
piss'd round his cloaths, and of a sudden was turned to a wolf: Don't
think I jest; I value no man's estate at that rate, as to tell a lye.
But as I was saying, after he was turned to a wolf, he set up a howl,
and fled to the woods. At first I knew not where I was, till going to
take up his cloaths, I found them also turn'd to stone. Another man
would have dy'd for fear, but I drew my sword, and slaying all the
ghosts that came in my way, lighted at last on the place where my
mistress was: I entered the first door; my eyes were sunk in my head,
the sweat ran off me by more streams than one, and I was just
breathing my last, without thought of recovery; when my Melissa coming
up to me, began to wonder why I'd be walking so late; and 'if,' said
she, 'you had come a little sooner, you might have done us a kindness;
for a wolf came into the farm, and has made butchers work enough among
the cattle; but tho' he got off, he has no reason to laugh, for a
servant of ours ran him through the neck with a pitchfork.' As soon as
I heard her, I could not hold open my eyes any longer, and ran home by
daylight, like a vintner whose house had been robb'd: But coming by
the place where the cloaths were turned to stone, I saw nothing but a
puddle of blood; and when I got home, found mine host lying a-bed like
an oxe in his stall, and a chirurgeon dressing his neck. I understood
afterwards he was a fellow that could change his skin; but from that
day forward, could never eat a bit of bread with him, no, if you'd
have kill'd me. Let them that don't believe me, examine the truth of
it; may your good angels plague me as I tell ye a lye."

The company were all wondring, when, "Saving what you have said,"
quoth Trimalchio, "if there be faith in man, my hair stands on end,
because I know Niceros is no trifler; he's sure of what he says, and
not given to talking: Nay, I'll tell ye as horrible a thing my self;
but see there, what's that behind the hangings?

"When I was yet a long-hair'd boy, for even then I liv'd a pleasant
life, I had a minion, and he dy'd: He was (so help me Hercules) a
pearl, a paragon, nay perfection it self: But when the poor mother
lamented him, and we also were doing the same, some witches got round
the house on a sudden, you'd have taken them for hounds hunting a
hare. We had then in the house a Cappadocian, a tall fellow, stout
and hardy, that would not have stept an inch out of his way for
Jupiter. He boldly drew his sword, and wrapping his coat about his
left arm, leaped out of the house, and as it might be here, (no hurt
to the thing I touch) ran a woman clean through. We heard a pitiful
groan, but not to lye, saw none of them. Our champion came in and
threw himself on a bed, but all black and blue, so he had been trosh'd
with flails; for it seems some ill hand had touched him. We shut the
door, and went on with our mourning; but the mother taking her son in
her arms, and stroaking him, found nothing but a bolster of straw; it
had neither heart, entrals, nor any thing, for the fairies belike had
stollen him out of his cradle, and left that of straw instead of him.
Give me credit, I beseech ye, women are craftier than we are, play
their tricks by night, and turn every thing topsy-turvy. After this
our tall fellow never came to his colour again, but in a few days died
raving-mad."

We all wondred, as not doubting what he said, and kissing the table in
reverence to him, pray'd the privilege of the night, and that our
places might be kept till we returned.

And now we thought the lamps look'd double, and the whole room seem'd
quite another thing, when Trimalchio again, "I speak to you Plorimus,
won't you come in for a share? Will ye entertain us with nothing,
thou usedst to be a pleasant companion, couldst sing a song and tell a
tale with the best; but alas! alas! the sweetmeats are gone." "My
horses," said the other, "ran away with my coach, I have been troubled
with the gout ever since. When I was a young fellow, I sung so long I
had well nigh brought my self into a consumption. What do ye tell me
of songs, tales, or barber shops? Who ever came near me but one, only
Apelles;" and with setting his hand to his mouth, whistled out
somewhat, I know not what, which afterwards he swore was Greek.
Trimalchio also when he mimicked the trumpets, looked on his minion
and called him Crœsus: Yet the boy was blear-eye'd, and swathing up
a little black bitch with nasty teeth, and over-grown with fat, in
green swadlingclouts, he set half a loaf on the table, which she
refusing, he cram'd her with it: on which Trimalchio commanded the
guardian of his house and family, Scylax, to be brought; when
presently was led in a beautiful mastiff in a chain, who having a hint
given him by a knock of the porter's foot, lay down before the table:
whereupon Trimalchio throwing him a manchet; "There's no one," said
he, "in this house of mine, loves me better than this dog." The boy
taking it in dudgeon that Scylax should be so commended, laid the
bitch on the floor, and challenged the dog to have a rubber with him.
On this Scylax, after the manner of dogs, set up such a hideous
barking, that it fill'd the room; and snapping at him, almost rent off
a brooch that hung on Crœsus's breast; nor did the scuffle end
here, for the great candle being overturn'd on the table, broke all
the chrystal glasses, and threw the scalding oil on the guests.

Trimalchio, not to seem concerned at the loss, kissed the boy, and
commanded him to get on his back; nor was it long e're he was a
cock-horse, and slapping his masters shoulders, and laughing, cry'd
out, "Fool, fool, and how many of them have we here?"

Trimalchio thus kept under for a while, commanded a bumper to be
fill'd and given round to the waiters, with this further, that
whosoever refused it should have it poured down his collar. Thus one
while we were grave, and other while merry.

After this came junkets and made dishes, the very remembrance of
which, if I may be believed, will not yet down with me; for there were
several cram'd hens given about under the notion of thrushes, and
goose eggs with caps upon them; which Trimalchio, nor without
ostentation press'd us to eat; adding withal, that their bones were
taken out.

Nor were the words scarce out of his mouth, when a beadle rapp'd at
the door, and one in white, with a company of roisters following him,
came in upon us: For my part I was not a little surprized; and by his
lordliness taking him for the Mayor of a town, and our selves within
his liberties, was getting upon my feet. Agamemnon laught to see me
so concerned, and bade me sit still; "for," said he, "this Habinas is
a captain of horse, a good mason, and has a special faculty in making
monuments."

Recovered again with his words, I kept my seat, and wholly fix'd my
eye on Habinas: He came in drunk, and lolling on his wife's shoulders,
with some garlands about him, his face all trickling down with
ointment, he seated himself at the head of the table, and
incontinently called for wine and hot water.

Trimalchio was pleased with the humour, and calling for a bigger
glass, asked him what entertainment he had whence he came?

"Every thing," said the other, "but thy self; for my inclination was
here; tho' (so help me Hercules) it was all well. Scissa kept a
nine-days feast for his servant Miscellus, whom he infranchised after
he was dead: It is said he had a round sum in the chequer, for they
reckon he died worth 50,000 sesterces; yet this was all done in good
order; tho' every one of us were obliged to pour half his drink on the
grave."

"But," said Trimalchio, "what had ye to eat?" "I'll tell ye," quoth
Habinas, "as near as I can, for my memory is not so good, but that
sometimes I forget my own name: However, for the first dish we had a
goodly porker, with a garland upon him, and puddings, goose giblets,
lamb-stones, sweetbreads, and gizzards round him; there were also
beets and houshold-bread of his own baking, for himself, which I would
rather have than white; it makes a man strong, and I never complain of
what I like. The next was a cold tart, with excellent warm honey, and
that Spanish, running upon it. I eat little of the tart, but more of
the honey; I tasted also the red pulse, and lupines, by the advice of
Calvus, and several apples, of which I took away two in my
handkerchief: for if I bring home nothing to my little she slave, I
shall have snubs enough: this dame of mine puts me often in mind of
her. We had also on a side-table the haunch of a bear, which
Scintilla tasting ere she was aware, had like to have thrown up her
guts: I on the other hand eat a pound of it or better, for methought
it tasted like boars flesh; and said I, if a bear eats a man, why may
not a man much more eat a bear? To be short, we had cream cheese,
wine boil'd off to a third part, fry'd snails, chitterlings, livers,
eggs, turneps, mustard, and a bowl that held a gallon. Don't disturb
me, Palamedes; there were also handled about a basket of sugar-cakes,
of which we wantonly took some, and sent away the gammon of bacon.
But tell me Caius, I beseech you, what's the matter that Fortunata
sits not among us?" "How came you to know her?" quoth Trimalchio;
"for till she has gotten her plate together, and distributed what we
leave among the servants, not a sip of any thing goes into her mouth."

"But unless she sits down," replied Habinas, "I'll be gone"; and was
getting up, but that the word being four times given about for her,
she came at last in a greenish gown and a cherry-colour'd stomacher,
beneath which might be seen her petticoat and embroidered garters;
then wiping her hands on her neckcloth, she sate on that bed whereon
Scintilla the wife of Habinas was; and having given her a kiss, told
her it was in compliment to her that she was there. At length it came
to this, that she took off her weighty bracelets, and shewed them to
Scintilla, which she admiring, she also unbuckled her garters and a
net-work purse, which she said was of the finest gold.

Trimalchio observed it, and commanding all to be laid before him,
"See," said he, "this womans finery, and what fools our wives make us;
they should be six pound and a half; yet I've another of Mercury's
making, that weighs ten": And that he might not be thought to tell a
lye, called for his gold scales, and commanded them to be weighed: Nor
had Scintilla more wit than t'other, for pulling a golden box out of
her bosom, which she called good luck, she took out of it two large
pearl pendants, giving them in like manner to Fortunata to view:
"See," quoth she, "what 'tis to have a kind husband, I am sure no
woman has better." "What," said Habinas, "hast thou put the sham on
me? thou toldst me thou couldst be contented with glass beads; and for
this trick, if I had a daughter I'd cut off her ears; tho' were there
no women what were the rest worth? This is to piss warm and drink
cold."

Mean time the women perceiving they were toucht, twitter'd among
themselves, and being got drunk, fell to kissing one another; one
commended the mistress of the house, t'other the master: when during
this chatter, Habinas stealing behind Fortunata, gave her such a toss
on the bed, that her heels flew as high as her head, on which she gave
a squeak or two, and finding her thighs bare, ran her head under
Scintilla's smock.

This held a while, till Trimalchio calling for a second service to
entertain his new guests, the servants took away the tables that were
before us, and having brought others, strew'd the room with pin-dust,
mixt with vermillion and saffron; and what I never saw before, the
dust of a looking-glass ground to powder.

When immediately, quoth Trimalchio, "I could have been contented with
those first dishes; but since we have got other tables, we must also
have another service; and if there be any thing worth our having,
bring it."

On which, a spruce boy that served us with warm water, began to
imitate a nightingale; till Trimalchio giving the word, a servant that
waited on Habinas, set up another humour, and, as I believe, commanded
by his master, nois'd out;

"Mean time Æneas had put off to sea."

Nor was there ever a harsher sound yet pierced my ears; for besides
his disordered country tone, his pitiful and starvling way of
delivery, he so stufft it with scraps of verses, that even Virgil then
first disrelished me; till at last so tyr'd, that he could hold no
longer; "D'ye think," said Habinas, "this boy has learn'd nothing? I
bred him with juglers that follow the fair: Nor has he his fellow,
whether he humours a muliteer or a jester. This never-be-good has
abundance of wit; he's a taylor, a cook, a baker, a jack of all
trades, and but for two faults, were exact to a hair: He's
crack-brain'd, and snores in his sleep: For that cast of his eye I
value it not, he looks like Venus, and therefore his tongue is ever
running; and were that eye out he were worth the money I gave for
him."

On which Scintilla interrupting him, told him he was a naughty man,
for not telling all his servant's good qualities: "He's a pimp," said
he, "if not worse, but I'll take care he be branded for that."

Trimalchio laught, and said he knew he was a Cappadocian that never
beguiled himself of any thing, and "(so help me Hercules) I commend
him for 't: when will you find such another, but Scintilla, you must
not be jealous! Believe me, and I know you too; may I so enjoy the
health you wish me, as I play'd at leap-frog so long with our boy,
that my master grew jealous, and sent me to dig in the country: But
hold thy tongue and I'll give thee a loaf." I marvel," said I,
"whether they be all mash'd together or made of loam; for in a
Saturnal at Rome, my self saw the like imaginary shew of a supper."

Nor had I scarce said it, when--quoth Trimalchio, "Let me so grow in
estate, not bulk, as my cook made all of this out of one hog; there is
not an excellenter fellow than himself; he shall, if he please, make
ye a poll of ling of a sows tripe; a wood-culver of fat bacon; a
turtle of a spring of pork; and a hen of a collar of brawn; and
therefore of my own fancy, I gave him a name proper to him, for he is
called Dædalus: And because he understands his business, I had
chopping-knives of the best steel brought him from Rome"; and with
that, calling for them, he turn'd them over, and admiring them,
offered us the liberty of trying their edge on his cheek.

On this came in two servants as quarrelling about their collars, at
which each of them had a large earthen pot hanging; and when
Trimalchio determined the matter between them, neither of them stood
to his sentence, but fell to club-law, and broke each others pots.

This drunken presumption put us out of order; yet casting an eye on
the combatants, we saw oisters and scallops running from the pots, and
another boy receiving them in a charger, which he carried round the
guests.

Nor was the cook's ingenuity short of the rest, for he brought us a
dish of grill'd snails on a silver gridiron, and with a shrill
unpleasant voice, sang as he went. I am asham'd of what follow'd;
for, what was never heard of till then, the boys came in with a bason
of liquid perfumes, and first binding our legs, ancles and feet, with
garlands, anointed them with it, and put the rest into the wine vessel
and the lamps.

And now Fortunata began to dance, and Scintilla's hands went faster
than her tongue; when, quoth Trimalchio, "Sit down Philargyrus; I give
ye leave, and you Carrio, because you are a green-ribbon-man, and you
Minophilus bid your comrade do the like"; what shall I say more? The
family so crowded upon us, that we were almost thrust off our beds;
and who should be seated above me, but the cook who had made a goose
of a hog, all stinking of pickle and kitchen-stuff; nor yet content
that he sate amongst us, he fell immediately to personate Thespis the
tragedian, and dare his master to a wager which of them two should win
the prize next wrestling.

Trimalchio abash'd at the challenge; "My friends," said he, "even
servants are men; and however oppress'd by ill luck, sucked the same
milk our selves did; and for mine, it shall not be long e're I make
them free without prejudice to my self: to be short, I enfranchise all
of them by my last will and testament.

"I give Philargus a country farm, and his she-comrade; to Carrio an
island, with a twentieth part of my moveables, a bed and its
furniture; for I make Fortunata my heiress, whom I recommend to all my
friends, and publish what I have done, to the end my family may so
love me now, as if I were dead."

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