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The Satyricon

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All thanked their master for his kindness; and he, as having forgotten
trifles, called for a copy of his will, which he read from one end to
the other, the family all the while sighing and sobbing; afterwards
turning to Habinas, "Tell me, my best of friends," said he, "do you go
on with my monument as I directed ye, I earnestly entreat ye, that at
the feet of my statue you carve me my little bitch, as also garlands
and ointments, and all the battles I have been in, that by your
kindness I may live when I am dead: Be sure too that it have an
hundred feet as it fronts the highway, and as it looks towards the
fields two hundred: I will also, that there be all sorts of fruit and
vines round my ashes, and that in great abundance: For it is a gross
mistake to furnish houses for the living, and take no care of those we
are to abide in for ever: And therefore in the first place, I will
have it engraven--

'LET NO HEIR OF MINE PRETEND TO THIS MONUMENT.'

"And that I may receive no injury after I am dead, I'll have a codicil
annext to my will, whereby I'll appoint one of my freed-men the keeper
of this monument, that the people make not a house-of-office of it.
Make me also, I beseech you, on this my monument, ships under full
sail, and my self in my robes sitting on the bench, with five gold
rings on my fingers, and scattering moneys among the common people;
for you know I have ordered ye a funeral feast, and two-pence a-piece
in money. You shall also, if you think fit, shape me some of these
beds we now sit on, and all the people making their court to me. On
my right hand place my Fortunata's statue, with a dove in one hand,
and leading a little dog in her girdle with the other: As also my
Cicero, and large wine vessels close cork'd that the wine don't run
out, and yet carve one of them as broken, and a boy weeping over it;
as also a sun-dial in the middle, that whoever comes to see
what's-a-clock, may read my name whether he will or no. And lastly,
have a special consideration whether you think this epitaph sufficient
enough:

'HERE RESTS CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO, PATRON OF THE LEARNED. A TROOP
OF HORSE WAS DECREED HIM, WITHOUT SUING FOR, AND MIGHT HAVE BEEN A
SENATOR WOULD HE HAVE ACCEPTED IT. A PIOUS MAN, HONEST, VALIANT, AND
TRUE TO HIS FRIEND. HE RAISED HIMSELF FROM LITTLE OR NOTHING, BUT
LEFT BEHIND HIM A PRODIGIOUS ESTATE, YET NEVER HEARD A PHILOSOPHER.
FAREWELL TO YOU ALSO.'"

This said, Trimalchio wept plentifully, Fortunata wept, Habinas wept,
and the whole family set up a cry as it had been his funeral; nay, I
also whin'd for company: when, quoth Trimalchio, "Since you know we
must die, why don't we live while we may? so let me live my self to
see you happy; as, if we plunge our selves in the bath we shall not
repent it: At my peril be it; I'll lead the way, for this room is
grown as hot as an oven." "Say you so," quoth Habinas, "nor am I
afraid to make two days of one"; and therewith got up barefoot and
follow'd Trimalchio.

I on the other hand turning to Ascyltos, asked him what he thought of
it, for "if I but see the bath I shall swoon away."

"Let's lagg behind then," said he, "and whilst they are getting in,
we'll slip off in the crowd."

The contrivance pleased us; and so Gito leading the way through the
portico, we came to the last gate, where a chained dog bolted upon us
so furiously, that Ascyltos fell into the fishpond. I, who had been
frighted at the painted dog, and now gotten as drunk as Ascyltos,
while I endeavoured to get hold of him, fell in my self; at last the
porter's coming in saved us, for he quieted the dog and drew us out;
but Gito, like a sharp rascal, delivered himself, for whatever had
been given him at supper to carry home with him, he threw it the dog,
and that mollified him.

But, when shivering with cold, we desired the porter to let us out:
"You're mistaken," said he, "if ye think to go out the same way ye
came in, for no guest ere yet did; they came in at one gate and are
let out by another."

In this sad pickle, what should we do? we found ourselves in a new
kind of labyrinth, and for bathing, we'd enough of it already:
However, necessity enforcing us, we pray'd him to show us the way to
the bath: and Gito having hung out our cloaths a drying in the porch,
we entred the bath, which was somewhat narrow, and sunk in the earth,
not unlike a rainwater cistern; in this stood Trimalchio stark-naked:
Nor could we avoid his filthy tricks; for he said, nothing was better
than to bathe in a crowd; and that every place had in times past been
a grinding-house. Being weary at length, he sate down, and provok'd
by the noisiness of the bath, set up his drunken throat, and fell a
murdering some songs of Menecrates, as they that understood him told
us.

Other guests ran round the cistern with their arms across, and made a
clamorous slap with their mouths; others either try'd to take up a
ring from the pavement, with their hands bound behind them, or putting
one knee to the ground, to kiss their great toes backward.

While they thus entertained one another, we went into the hot-house
that had been heated for Trimalchio; and being now recovered of our
drunkenness, were brought into another room, where Fortunata had set
out a fresh entertainment. Above the lamps I observed some women's
gewgaws. The tables were massy silver, the earthen ware double gilt,
and a conduit running with wine; when, quoth Trimalchio, "This day, my
friends, a servant of mine opened a barber's shop; he's well to pass,
a thrifty fellow, and a favourite of mine: Come, let the floor have a
drink as well as our selves; and for our part, we'll sit to it till
day-light."

While he was yet speaking, a cock crow'd, at which Trimalchio grew
disordered, and commanded the wine to be thrown under table, and
sprinkle the larnps with it; then changing a ring to his right hand,
"it is not for nothing," said he, "this trumpeter has given us notice;
for either the house should be on fire, or one of the neighbourhood
will kill himself: Far from us be it, and therefore, whoever brings me
this discoverer I'll give him a reward."

When immediately a cock was brought in, and Trimalchio, commanding to
have him drest he was torn in pieces by that exquisite cook, who a
little before had make us fish and fowl of a hog, and put in a
stew-pan, and while Dædalus was taking a lusty draught, Fortunata
ground pepper.

After which Trimalchio taking some of the banquet, bid the waiters go
to supper, and let others supply their places.

Whereupon came in another rank of servants, and as the former going
cry'd out, "Farewell, Caius," those coming in cry'd out, "Sit thou
merry, Caius."

And here our mirth first began to be disturb'd; for a beautiful boy
coming in among those new servants, Trimalchio plucked the boy to him,
and did nothing but kiss him over and over: Whereupon Fortunata to
maintain her right, began to rail at Trimalchio, called him pitiful
fellow, one that could not bridle his lust, shame and dishonour to an
honest woman, and a very dog. Trimalchio on the other hand, all
confounded and vex'd at her taunts, threw a goblet at her head: She
fell a roaring as if she had lost an eye, and clapt both her hands
before it.

Scintilla also stood amazed, and covered Fortunata all trembling as
she was, in her bosom; the boy also put a cold pitcher to her cheek,
on which she leaned and made a lamentable wailing and blubbing.

But Trimalchio quite contrary; "for," said he, "what am I the better
for this graceless buttock? 'Tis well known I took her out of a
bawdy-house, and made her an honest woman, but now blown up like a
frog she bespatters herself; a very block, no woman: But this poor boy
born in a hovel, never dreams of palaces. May my good genius so
befriend me, as I'll bring down this seeming saint, but in her actions
a whore rampant: As inconsiderable as she makes me, I might have had a
wife with two hundred and fifty pistols; you know I don't lye; but she
was somewhat in years, and Agatho the sweet oilman, persuaded me not
to let my name run out, when instead of doing good to her, I have put
a thorn in my own foot: but I'll have a care that she dig me not out
of my grave with her nails: And that she may know what I'll do at
present, I will not, Habinas, have you put her statue in my monument,
that I have no words with her when I am dead: Nay, that she may know I
am able to plague her, she shall not so much as kiss me when I die."
After this ratling, Habinas entreated him to give over his anger;
"There's none of us all," said he, "but some time or other does amiss;
we are but men, not gods." Weeping Scintilla said the same, called
him Caius, and by his own good nature, besought him to be pacified.

Trimalchio not able to hold tears any longer, "I beg of you, Habinas,"
said he, "and as you wish to enjoy what you have gotten, if I have
done any thing without cause, spit in my face: I kiss'd the boy 'tis
true, not for his beauty, but that he's a hopeful thrifty lad: He has
several sentences by heart, can read a book at first sight; saves
money out of his days provision; has a binn of his own to keep it, and
two drinking cups; and does he not deserve to be in my eye? but
Fortunata, forsooth, will not have it so; your bandy legs won't away
with it. Be content with your own, thou she-kite, and don't disquiet
me, thou harlotry, or otherwise thou'lt find what I am; thou knowest
well enough, if I once set on't, 'tis immoveable. But we'll remember
the living.

"Come, my friends, let's see how merry ye can be, for in my time I
have been no better than your selves, but by my own industry I am what
I am: 'Tis the heart makes a man, all the rest is but stuff. I buy
cheap and sell dear; another man may sell ye other things, but I enjoy
my self; and thou dunghillraker, are thou yet gruntling, I'll make ye
hereafter do it for somewhat.

"But as I was saying my frugality brought the fortune I have: I came
out of Asia no taller than this candlestick, and daily measured my
self by it: and that I might get a beard the sooner, rubb'd my lips
with the candle-grease; yet I kept Ganymede to my master fourteen
years (nor is any thing dishonourable that the master commands) and
the same time contented my mistress: Ye know what I mean, I'll say no
more, for I am no boaster. By this means, as the gods would have it,
the governing the house was committed to me, and nothing was done but
by my guidance: What need many words? He made me joint-heir with
Cæsar, and I had by it a Senator's estate; but no man thinks he has
enough, and I had a mighty desire to turn merchant. Not to detain you
longer; I built five ships, freighted them with wines, which at that
time were as dear as gold, and sent them to Rome; you'll think I
desir'd to have it so: All my ships founder'd at sea; 'tis a great
truth, no story; Neptune swallowed me in one day three hundred
thousand sesterties. Do ye think I broke upon 't, (so help me
Hercules) no; the loss was but a flea-bite: For, as if there had been
no such thing, I built others, larger, better, and more fortunate than
the former; so that every one called me a man of courage. As you know
a great ship carries a great deal of force, I loaded them again with
wine, bacon, beans, unguents, planes: And here Fortunata shewed her
affection; for she sold what she had; nay, her very cloaths, and put a
round sum in my pocket; tho' yet it was but a pig of my own sow. What
the gods will is quickly done; I got an hundred thousand sesterties by
the voyage, and forthwith redeemed the lands my patron had left me,
built me a house, bought cattle to sell them again, and whatever I
went about gathered like a snow-ball: But when I grew richer than all
the country besides, I took up; and from a merchant turn'd usurer, and
bought servants.

"Thus resolved to give over trading, a certain astrologer that chanc'd
to light on this village, would have persuaded me to the contrary. He
was a Græcian, his name Sœrapa, one that held correspondence
with the gods. He told me a deal that I had forgotten, and laid
everything before me from top to bottom: He knew all I had within me,
and told me what I had the night before to supper; you'd have thought
he had liv'd with me all his life.

"I beseech you, Habinas, for I think you was there; he told me the
intrigue between my mistress and me; that I had but ill luck at
friends; that no one ever made me a return of my kindnesses: That I
had large possessions, but nourished a viper in my bosom: Why should I
not tell you all? I have by his account, thirty years, four months,
and two days yet to live; and in a short time shall have another
estate left me.

"Thus my fortune-teller. But if I can join my lands here to those in
Apulia, I shall do well enough: in the mean, and while Mercury is my
guardian, I have built this house: it was once you know, a pitiful
cabin, but now as magnificent as a temple: it has four dining rooms,
twenty bed-chambers two marble porticoes, a gallery above stairs, my
own apartment, another for this viper; a very good porter's lodge, and
the house capable of receiving a thousand guests: To be short, when
ever Scaurus comes this way, he had rather lodge here than at his own
house, tho' it lie to the seaward: and many other conveniences it has,
which I'll shew you by and by. Believe me, he that has a penny in his
purse, is worth a penny: Have and you shall be esteemed. And so your
friend, once no better than a frog, is now a king.

"And now Stichus bring me the furniture in which I design to be
carried to my funeral pile; bring also the unguent, and some of that
pot, which I ordered for the cleansing my bones."

Stichus lingered not, but brought in a white coverlet, and robe of
state, and pray'd us to try if they were not fine wooll, and well
woven. "And see you Stichus," said Trimalchio smiling, "that neither
mice nor moths come at them, for if they do I'll burn you alive. I
will be brought out in pomp, that all the people may speak well of
me."

With that opening a glass bottle of spicknard, he caused us all to be
anointed; and "I hope," said he, "it will do as much good when I am
dead, as it does while I am living": Then commanding the wine vessels
to be filled again; "Fausie," said he, "you are invited to my funeral
feast." We by this time nauseated, were ready to vomit; Trimalchio
also was gotten confoundedly drunk, when behold, a new interlude; he
called for the coronets to come in; and, underset with pillows, and
stretching himself at length on the bed, "suppose me," said he, "now
dead, say somewhat, I beseech you, in praise of me."

Whereupon the coronets sounded as it had been at a funeral; but one
above the rest, a servant of that freed-man of Trimalchio's, that was
best condition'd of 'em all, made such a thundring, that it rais'd the
neighbourhood: On which the watch thinking the house was on fire,
broke open the gate, and making an uproar after their manner, ran in
with water and hatchets: When finding so fair an opportunity, we gave
Agamemnon the slip, and scamper'd off, as if it had been a real fire.



PART TWO


Not a star appear'd to direct us in our way, nor would the dead of the
night give us hopes of meeting a stranger that could; with these, the
wine we had drank, and our ignorance of the place, even in the day
time, conspir'd to mis-direct us. When we had wander'd almost an
hour, with our feet all bloody, over sharp pebbles and broken hills of
gravel, Gito's diligence at last deliver'd us: for the day before,
fearing we might be at a loss, tho' we had the sun to our help, he had
providently mark'd every post and pillar with a chalk, the greatest
darkness was not able to obscure, by whose shineing whiteness we found
our way. But we had as many fears after we got to an inn; for the
hostess, having drank a little too long with her guests, had so
intirely lost her senses, a burning could not have made her feel; that
perhaps, we had been forc'd to have taken up our lodging in the
street, if a letter-carrier that belong'd to Trimalchio, with ten
carriages of his master's revenue, had not come in the mean time; who
without much ado beat down the door, and let us in at the same gap.

After we enter'd the bed-chamber, having plentifully feasted; prest by
impatient nature, I took my Gito aside; and wrapt in pleasures, spent
the night.

Who can the charms of that blest night declare,
How soft ye gods! our warm embraces were?
We hugg'd, we cling'd, and thro' each other's lips,
Our souls, like meeting streams, together mixt;
Farewell the world, and all its pageantry!
When I, a mortal! so begin to dye.

'Tis without reason I hug myself; Ascyltos, omnis iniuriae inventor,
subduxit mihi nocte puerum et in lectum transtulit suum, volutatusque
liberius cum fratre non suo, sive non sentiente iniuriam sive
dissimulante, indormivit alienis amplexibus oblitus iuris humani.
Itaque ego ut experrectus pertrectavi gaudio despoliatum torum. Si
qua est amantibus fides, ego dubitavi, an utrumque traicerem gladio
somnumque morti iungerem. Tutius dein secutus consilium Gitona quidem
verberibus excitavi, and looking as sternly as I cou'd upon Ascyltos,
thus address'd my self: "Since you've play'd the villain by your
treachery, and breaking the common laws of friendship, pack up your
matters quickly, and find another comrade to abuse."

Ascyltos consented; and, after we had made an exact division of our
booty; "Now," says he, "let's share the boy too": I believ'd it a jest
at parting, but, he with a murderous resolution, drew his sword; "nor
shall you," added he, "think to ingross this prize, which should, like
the rest, be common to us both. I must have my share, or with this
sword will be content to take it." Upon which, on the other side,
having twisted my gown under my arm, I made advances to ingage.

The unhappy boy rush'd between, and kissing both our knees, with
tears, entreated that we would not expose our selves in a pitiful
alehouse, nor with our blood pollute the rites of so dear a
friendship: but, raising his voice, says he, "if there must be murder,
behold my naked bosom, hither direct your fury: 'Tis I deserve death,
who violated the sacred laws of friendship."

Upon which we sheath'd our swords; and first Ascyltos, "I'll," says
he, "end the difference: Let the boy himself follow the man he likes,
that, in chusing a friend, at least, he may have an unquestion'd
liberty."

I, that presum'd so long an acquaintance, had made no slight
impressions on his nature, was so far from fearing, that with an eager
haste I accepted the proffer, and to the judge committed the dispute:
Gito, that he might not seem to consider, at my consent jump'd up, and
chose Ascyltos.

I, like one thunderstruck, at the sentence, void of defence, fell upon
the bed, and had not surviv'd the loss, if envy of my rival had not
stopp'd my sword.

Ascyltos, proud of the conquest, goes off with the prize, leaving me
expos'd in a strange place, that before he caress'd as a friend and
sharer of his fortune:

'Tis in the world, as in a game of chess;
We serve our friends but where our profit is.
When fortune smiles, we're yours, and yours alone;
But when she frowns, the servile herd are gone.
So, in a play, they act with mimick art,
Father, or son, or griping miser's part:
But when at last the comic scenes are o'er,
They quit the visards they assum'd before.

Nor did I there very long complain, for fearing one Menelaus, an usher
of a school, might, among other misfortunes, find me alone in the inn,
I made up my wallet, and, very pensive, took me a lodging in a private
place near the sea: there, after I had been mewd up for three days,
reflecting afresh on my despis'd and abject condition, I beat my
breast, as sick as it was; and, when my deep sighs would suffer me,
often cry'd out; "Why has not the earth burst open, and swallow'd me?
Why has not the sea o'erwhelm'd me that respects not even the innocent
themselves? Have I been a murderer? when I had violated Lycas's wife,
have I fled justice? have I escap'd even when I was condemn'd to dye,
to live in a strange place, to have my name recorded only among
beggars and vagabonds? and who condemn'd me to this solitude?--A boy!
One who is a prostitute to all manner of lust; and by his own
confession deserves to dye; whom vice has enobl'd from a slave; who
was publickly contracted with as a girl, by one that knew he was of
the other sex: and what a wretch is that other, ye gods! whom, when he
might have writ man, his mother perswaded even out of his sex, and
putting on petty-coats, was condemn'd to a maids office in a prison:
who, after he had spent what he had, and chang'd the scene of his
lust; having contracted an old friendship, basely left it; and,
frontless impudence! like a hot whore, for one night's pleasure, sold
his friend. Now the lovers lye whole nights lockt in each other's
arms, and who knows but in those intervals they recruit their weary'd
strength, may laugh at me: but they shan't go off so, for if I'm a
man, or a free-born one at least, I'll make their blood compensate the
injury."

Having thus said I girt on my sword; and lest I shou'd be too weak to
maintain the war, encourag'd my self with a lusty meal, and making out
of doors, like one possesst, search'd every place: but whilst, with a
wild distracted countenance, I thought of nothing but blood and
slaughter; and oft with execrations laying my hand on my sword, a
souldier, perhaps some cheat or padder, observ'd me, and making up to
me, askt to what regiment or company I, his brother souldier,
belong'd? when, with a good assurance, I had cheated him into a belief
of the regiment and company; well, but friend, said he, looking down,
doe the souldiers of your company walk in such shoes? I began to look
guilty, and by my trembling discover'd the lye I had told him: upon
which he made me lay down my arms, and bid me take care of the worst.
Thus stript, nay and thus rob'd of my revenge, I return'd to my
lodging, where by degrees my fears abating, I began in my mind to
thank the robber.

But finding it difficult to wean my self from the love of revenge, I
spent half the night very pensively; and rising by day-break, to ease
me of my grief, and thoughts of my injury, I rov'd about every where,
till at last going in to a publick gallery, very wonderful for several
sorts of excellent painting; I saw some by Zeuxy's hand, that had not
yet yielded to the injuries of time: And, not without an awful
reverence, behold others by Protogenes, which tho' they were first
tryals, yet disputed for exactness, even with nature it self: but on
the other side viewing a celebrated piece drawn by Apelles; I even
ador'd the work of so great a master: 'twas so correctly finisht to
the life, you'd have sworn it an image of the soul too. One side gave
the story of the eagle bearing Jupiter to heaven, the other the fair
Hylas repelling the addresses of the lew'd naiad: in another part was
Apollo, angry at himself for killing his boy Hyacinth; and, to shew
his love, crown'd his harp with the flower that sprung from his blood.

In this gallery, as in a vision of living images, I cry'd out; and are
not the gods themselves secure from love? Jupiter in his seraglio
above, not finding one that can please his appetite, sins upon earth,
yet injures nobody: the nymph wou'd have stifl'd her passion for
Hylas, had she believ'd the lusty Hercules wou'd have been his rival:
Apollo turns Hyacinth into a flower: and every image enjoy'd its
wishes without a rival: but I have caress'd, as the dearest friend,
the greatest villain.

While I was thus talking to my self, there enter'd the gallery an old
man, with a face as pale as age had made his hair; and seem'd, I know
not how, to bring with him the air of a great soul; but viewing his
habit, I was easily confirm'd in my opinion, since fortune seldom
deals favourably with learned men. In short, he made up to me, and
addressing himself, told me he was a poet; and, as he hop'd, above the
common herd: if, added he, my merrit don't suffer by applause that's
promiscuously given, to the good and bad.

Why, therefore, interrupted I, are you so meanly clad? On this
account return'd he, because learning never made any man rich.

The merchant's profit well rewards his toil:
The souldier crowns his labours with the spoil:
To servile flattery we altars raise:
And the kind wife her stallion ever pays:
But starving wit in rags takes barren pain:
And, dying, seeks the muses aid in vain.

"'Tis certain," added he, "that a lover of virtue, on account of his
singularity, meets with contempt; for who can approve what differs
from himself? And that those who admire riches, wou'd fain possess
every body, that nothing is more reasonable than their opinion; whence
they ridicule, as well as they can, the learned few; that they, like
themselves, might seem within the power of money."

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