The Satyricon

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"I don't know, how learning and poverty became relations," said I, and
sigh'd: "You justly lament," return'd he, "the condition of scholars."

"You mistake me," said I, "that's not the occasion of my sighs,
there's another and much greater cause:" And, as all men are naturally
inclin'd to communicate their grief; I laid open my case to him,
beginning with Ascyltos's treachery, which I aggravated; and, with
repeated sighs, often wisht his injustice to me might have deserv'd
pardon: but that now he was a staunch villain, and in lust more subtle
than the bawds themselves.

The old man, seeing me sincere, began to comfort me; and the better to
effect it, told me what formerly had happen'd to himself on the like
occasion.

"In Asiam cum a quaestore essem stipendio eductus, hospitium Pergami
accepi. Ubi cum libenter habitarem non solum propter cultum
aedicularum, sed etiam propter hospitis formosissimum filium,
excogitavi rationem, qua non essem patri familiae suspectus amator.
Quotiescunque enim in convivio de usu formosorum mentio facta est, tam
vehementer excandui, tam severa tristitia violari aures meas obsceno
sermone nolui, ut me mater praecipue tanquam unum ex philosophis
intueretur. Iam ego coeperam ephebum in gymnasium deducere, ego
studia eius ordinare, ego docere ac praecipere, ne quis praedator
corporis admitteretur in domum. . . .

"Forte cum in triclinio iaceremus, quia dies sollemnis ludum artaverat
pigritiamque recedendi imposuerat hilaritas longior, fere circa mediam
noctem intellexi puerum vigilare. Itaque timidissimo murmure votum
feci et 'domina' inquam 'Venus, si ego hunc puerum basiavero, ita ut
ille non sensiat, cras illi par columbarum donabo.' Audito voluptatis
pretio puer stertere coepit. Itaque aggressus simulantem aliquot
basiolis invasi. Contentus hoc principio bene mane surrexi electumque
par columbarum attuli expectanti ac me voto exsolvi.

"Proxima nocte cum idem liceret, mutavi optionem et 'si hunc' inquam
'tractavero improba manu, et ille non senserit, gallos gallinaceos
pugnacissimos duos donabo patienti.' Ad hoc votum ephebus ultro se
admovit et, puto, vereri coepit, ne ego obdormiscerem. Indulsi ergo
sollicito, totoque corpore citra summam voluptatem nne ingurgitavi.
Deinde ut dies venit, attuli gaudenti quicquid promiseram. Ut tertia
nox licentiam dedit, consurrexi . . . ad aurem male dormientis 'dii'
inquam 'immortales, si ego huic dormienti abstulero coitum plenum et
optabilem, pro hac felicitate cras puero asturconem. Macedonicum
optimum donabo, cum hac tamen exceptione, si ille non senserit.'
Nunquam altiore somno ephebus obdormivit. Itaque primum implevi
lacentibus papillis manus, mox basio inhaesi, deinde in unum omnia
vota coniunxi. Mane sedere in cubiculo coepit atque expectare
consuetudinem meam. Scis quanto facilius sit, columbas gallosque
gallinaceos emere quam asturconem, et praeter hoc etiam timebam, ne
tam grande munus suspectam faceret humanitatem meam. Ego aliquot
horis spatiatus in hospitium reverti nihilque aliud quam puerum
basiavi. At ille circumspiciens ut cervicem meam iunxit amplexu,
'rogo' inquit 'domine, ubi est asturco?'

"Cum ob hanc offensam praeclusissem mihi aditum, quem feceram, iterum
ad licentiam redii. Interpositis enim paucis diebus, cum similis
casus nos in eandem fortunam rettulisset, ut intellexi stertere
patrem, rogare coepi ephebum, ut reverteretur in gratiam mecum, id est
ut pateretur satis fieri sibi, et cetera quae libido distenta dictat.
At ille plane iratus nihil aliud dicebat nisi hoc: 'aut dormi, aut ego
iam dicam patri.' Nihil est tam arduum, quod non improbitas
extorqueat. Dum dicit: 'patrem excitabo,' irrepsi tamen et male
repugnanti gaudium extorsi. At ille non indelectatus nequitia mea,
postquam diu questus est deceptum se et derisum traductumque inter
condiscipulos, quibus iactasset censum meum, 'videris tamen' inquit
'non ero tui similis. Si quid vis, fac iterum.' Ego vero deposita
omni offensa cum puero in gratiam redii ususque beneficio eius in
somnum delapsus sum. Sed non fuit contentus iteratione ephebus planae
maturitatis et annis ad patiendum gestientibus. Itaque excitavit me
sopitum et 'numquid vis?' inquit. Et non plane iam molestum erat
munus. Utcunque igitur inter anhelitus sudoresque tritus, quod
voluerat, accepit, rursusque in somnum decidi gaudio lassus.
Interposita minus hora pungere me manu coepit et dicere: 'quare non
facimus?' tum ego totiens excitatus plane vehementer excandui et
reddidi illi voces suas: 'aut dormi, aut ego iam patri dicam.'"

This discourse diverting my grief, I began to question the old
gentleman about the antiquity of some pieces, the stories of others I
was not acquainted with, the reason why this age don't come up to the
former, and why the most excellent arts are lost, of which painting
has not left the least sign of its being? "Our love of riches,"
reply'd he, "has been the only occasion: for in old time, when virtue
was admir'd for its own sake, all liberal arts flourisht, and the only
emulation among men, was to make discoveries that might profit the
age. 'Twas in those times Democritus, content with poverty, found out
the vertue of most herbs; and lest there might be any hidden
excellence in stones and trees, spent the rest of his life in
experiments about them: 'Twas then Eudoxus abandon'd the world, to
live on the top of a high mountain, to discover the motions of the
heavens and Crisippus, the better to qualify his mind for invention,
went thrice through a course of physick.

"But to return to imagery, Lysippus with that diligence imploy'd
himself about one statue, that, neglecting his living, he dyed, for
want: and Myron, whose brazen images of men and beasts, you might have
mistaken for living ones, dy'd very poor: but our age is so wholly
devoted to drinking and whoring, we're so far from inventing, that we
don't acquaint our selves even with those arts that are found to our
hands: But, accusing antiquity, our schools become seminaries of vice
only: what's our logick? How little do we know of astronomy? Where's
our philosopher? What master of eloquence could indure to hear it so
murdred in a pulpit? What wise man cou'd suffer the noise? Our
business in the temple is not to inform our minds, or correct our
lives; but as soon as we enter the place, one out of love to his
friend, being made his heir, promises a sacrifice to the gods, if
they'd please to take him out of this troublesome world; another, if
they'd direct him to a treasure: the like a third promises if they'd
make him happy in a small estate of 300l. per an. or so: The very
Senate that shou'd show an exemplary conduct, in occasions of doubtful
events, have devoted mighty sums of gold to religious uses: And who
wou'd not but admire, that, he is perswaded hath charms enough to make
the gods themselves comply! You need not wonder why painting is lost,
when gold appears more beautiful both to gods and men, than any thing
Apelles or Phidias are now esteem'd madly to have spent their time
about: But seeing your curiosity is wholly taken up with that piece,
that shews you a contracted history of the Siege of Troy: I'll try to
give you the story more at large in verse.

"Now Troy had felt a siege of ten long years,
Concern and sorrow in each face appears:
The Grecian prophet too, with terrour fill'd,
What fate decree'd, but doubtfully reveal'd:
When thus Apollo----
From the proud top of Ida's rising hill
A lofty pile of mighty cedars fell,
Whose trunks into a dreadful fabrick force,
And, let it bear the figure of a horse:
The spacious hollows, of whose mountain-womb,
The choice and flower of your troops entomb.
The Greeks, enrag'd to be so long repell'd,
With their chief troops the beasts vast bowel's fill'd,
And thus their arms and all their hopes conceal'd.
Strange was the fate the rul'd unhappy Troy,
Who thought them gone, and lasting peace t'enjoy,
So the inscription of the machine said,
And treacherous Synon, for their ruin made.
All from their arms at once, and troubles run
To view the horse, and left th' unguarded town
So over-joy'd they wept: Thus even fears
When joy surprizes, melt away in tears.
Enrag'd Laocoon, with prophetick beat,
Prest thro' the crowd, that on his humour wait;
And with a javelin pierc'd the fatal horse,
But fate retards the blow, and stopt its force:
The spear jumpt back upon the priest, so nigh,
It gave new credit to the treachery.
Yet to confirm how weak was the attempt
'Gainst what the gods will have, his javelin sent,
Resum'd with double fury, thro' his side,
And the large concave of the machine try'd:
When from within the captive Grecians roar;
And the beast trembles with another's fear.
Yet to the town the present they convey,
Thus a new stragem does Troy betray;
While to the taken, she becomes a prey.
But other monsters there enform our eyes,
What mighty seas from Teuedos arise!
The frighted Neptune seems to seek the shore,
With such a noise, with such a dreadful roar:
As in a silent night, when, from afar,
The dismal sound of wrecks invades the ear:
When rolling on the waves two mighty snakes,
Unhappy Troy descry'd; whose circling stroaks,
Had drove the swelling surges on the rocks.
Like lofty ships they on the billows ride,
And with rais'd breasts the foaming flood divide:
Their crests they brandish and red eye-balls raise,
That all around dispence a sulphurous blaze.
To shore advancing, now the waves appear
All fire; unwonted ratlings fill the air.
The ocean trembles at their dreadful hiss;
All are amaz'd: When in a Trojan dress;
And holy wreaths their sacred temples bind,
Laocoon's sons were by the snakes entwin'd:
Now t'wards heaven their little hands are thrown
Each for his brother, not himself does moan,
And prays to save his ruin by his own.
Both dye at last, thro' fear each other shou'd,
And to give death a greater pomp, the good
Laocoon to their rescue vainly run,
Now gorg'd with death, they drag him on the ground
Up to the altar, where devoted lies
The priest himself, a panting sacrifice.
Thus with his blood the temple they prophane;
Losing their gods; Troy's ruin thus began:
Now the bright taper of the night appears,
Gayly attended with a train of stars:
When midst the Trojans, dead in sleep and wine,
The Grecians execute their dire design:
When from the open'd caverns of the horse,
Like a large flood, their hidden troops did gush;
And now deliver'd, leave their horse and fear,
With the same wanton motions colts appear:
When from the plow, and heavy collar freed,
They shake their rising crests, and try their speed.
Their swords they brandish, and their shields they rear,
And fix their helmets, then begin the war:
A party here o' th' drunken Trojans light,
And send them snoring to eternal night;
Another there now made their altars smoke,
And against Troy, Troy's guardian gods invoke."

When Eumolpus had gone thus far in his story, the people that were
walking there, began to fling stones at him: But he, conscious of his
merit, cover'd his head, and took up his heels: I, fearing they wou'd
have taken me for a poet too, made after him: When we were out of
stone shot of the enemy, "I beseech you, sir," said I, "what will you
do with this disease of yours? I don't wonder at the peoples humour,
since I have hardly been acquainted with you two hours, and your
entertainment has been more poetry than the conversation of a man. I
think I must fill my pocket with stones, that when I perceive you
going into a fit, I may bleed you in the head for it, with one of
'em."

He turn'd to me, and, "Dear child," said he, "I rose to day without
consulting my fortune; tho' 'tis confest I seldom appear even on the
stage, but such a mobb as this are laughing at me: But that I may not
be at difference with you too, I'll tye my self up from this humour of
poetry:" "Well, well," said I, "on that condition I sup with you;"
upon which, going into the poor cottage I lodg'd at, we order'd the
master of it to get us a supper, and in the mean time we went to the
bagnio, where I saw Gito standing against the wall, with towels and
rubbing brushes in his hand; his troubl'd countenance easily perswaded
me he serv'd on compulsion: As soon as he saw me, with joy addressing
himself, he told me, that since I was not in that martial posture that
once frighted him to belye his affections, he cou'd freely speak to
me, upon which he entreated me to pity his circumstances; and, if I
cou'd but deliver him from so barbarous a master, since he was now
sorry he was forc'd to be my judge, I might take my satisfaction in
any punishment I'de please to inflict; "for," added he, "if I must
dye, 'twill be comfort enough to so unhappy a wretch to think that you
are pleas'd in 't."

I desir'd him wave his complaints, lest our design shou'd be
discover'd, and leaving Eumolpus (for in the bath he was versifying)
we made off thro' a dirty back-entry, as privately as we could to my
lodgings: Where, shutting the door, I threw my arms about his neck,
and, tho, he was all in tears, half smother'd him with kisses: Thus we
continu'd without a word from either side: Gito's repeated sobs so
disturb'd him, he could not speak: When after a long time spent in
that posture, "how unaccountable is it," began I, "to love him that
once forsook me! And that in this breast I shou'd feel so great a
wound, yet have no sign of its being there! what's you' pretence for
chusing Ascyltos? Have I deserv'd such usage?"

After he found I still had love for him, he began to look less
concerned: "When," added I, "I'm so far from desireing an umpire to
judge of th' ingratitude of your choice, that I neither complain of,
or design to remember it; if I find you sincere."

I cou'd not tell him this without a tear: When, wiping his face, says
he, "Encolpius, I appeal to your memory, whether I left, you, or you
betray'd me. I must confess, and hope you can't blame me; when I saw
two at daggers-drawing, that I ran to the strongest."

I cou'd not but admire his wit, and to convince him of a perfect
reconciliation, sealed it with repeated kisses.

'Twas now quite dark, and our supper was dishing up, when Eumolpus
knock'd at the door: I ask'd how many there was of 'em: And took an
opportunity through a chink, to see whether Ascyltos was with him: But
finding him alone, I soon open'd the door: He had hardly fixt himself
on his couch, when seeing Gito in waiting, "on my word," said he, "a
very Gannymed; sure Encolpius, you'll have no reason to complain to
day."

I did not like to observing an entry; and was afraid I had entertain'd
another Ascyltos. Eumolpus pursuing his humour, when the boy fill'd
him a glass, "I had rather," said he, "be in possession of thee, than
the whole bagnio"; and greedily drinking it off, "the heat I've been
in," added he, "made this the pleasantest draught I ever took: For to
deal freely with ye, I narrowly scap'd a beating, for attempting, when
I was in the bath, to deliver my thoughts of it in verse: And after I
was turn'd out of the bagnio, as I us'd to be out of the theatre; I
search'd every place, crying as loud as I cou'd, 'Encolpius,
Encolpius.' A naked youth that had lost his cloaths, as strongly
echo'd back to me, 'Gito, Gito': The boys, believing me mad, ridicul'd
me with their mimikry: But the other was attended with a great
concourse of people, that with an awful admiration prais'd the youth:
For nature had so largely qualify'd him for a lover, his body seem'd
but as the skirt of the mighty member it bore: A lusty rogue! I'll
warrant, he'd maintain the field four and twenty hours! He therefore
soon found relief, for some debauch'd spark, a Roman knight, as was
reported, flung his cloak over him, and took him home, with hopes, I
presume to engross so great a prize: But I was so far from meeting
such civility, that even my own cloaths were kept from me, till I
brought one that knew me, to satisfie 'em in my character: So much
more profitable 'tis to improve the body than the mind."

Whilst Eumolpus was telling his story, I often chang'd countenance:
Looking glad at the ill fortune of my rival, but troubled at his good:
yet did not interrupt him, lest he shou'd discover my concern: and
when he had done, I told him what we had for supper.

I had hardly given him an account, e're our entertainment came in:
'Twas common homely food, but very nourishing: Our half starv'd doctor
attacqu'd it very briskly, but when he had well fill'd himself, began
to tell us, philosophers were above the world, and to ridicule those
that condemn every thing, because 'tis common, and only to admire
those things that are difficult to be had: "These vicious appetites,"
added he, "that despise what they can cheaply come by, never taste any
thing pure, but, like sick men, love only those things that are
hurtful to 'em.

"What's soon obtain'd, we nauseously receive,
All hate the victory that's got with leave:
We scorn the good our happy isle brings forth,
But love whatever is of foreign growth:
Not that the fish that distant waters feed,
Do those excel that in our climate breed;
But these are cheaply taken, those came far,
With difficulty got, and cost us dear:
Thus the kind she, abroad, we admire above
Th' insipid lump, at home of lawful love:
Yet once enjoy'd, we strait a new desire,
And absent pleasures only do admire."

"Is this," said I, interrupting him, "what you promis'd, that you
wou'd not versifie to day agen? I beseech you, sir, at least spare us
that never pelted you: For if any of the inn shou'd find we have a
poet in our company, the whole neighbourhood wou'd be rais'd, and we
shou'd dye martyrs for a wrong opinion: If nothing else will make you
pity us, think of the galery and bath you came from": when I had
treated him after this rate, the good natur'd Gito, correcting me,
said, I did very ill to rail at a man so much my elder; and that
having offer'd a gentleman the curtsie of my table, I shou'd not so
far forget good breeding, to affront him when he came: With many the
like expressions, attended with a blush at their delivery, that
extreamly became him.

"Happy the woman," said Eumolpus, "that's blest with such a son!
Heaven encrease your virtue: so much sense, and so much beauty we
seldom meet with in any one person: But, lest you shou'd think your
civility thrown away, you have found a lover for it: I'll give the
world your praises in verse: I'll be your servant, your gardian, and
will follow you every where: Nor can Encolpius think himself injur'd,
he loves another."

Eumolpus was oblig'd to the souldier that robb'd me of my sword, else
I had turn'd the fury upon him I meant for Ascyltos: Gito reading it
in my countenance, under pretence of fetching water, prudently
withdrew: And allay'd my heat, by removing one cause of it: But my
rage reviving, "Eumolpus," said I, "I had rather have heard even your
verses, that you propose to your self such hopes: I am very
passionate, and you are very lustful: Consider how improbable 'tis we
shou'd agree; believe therefore I am mad, and humour the phrenzy; that
is, be gone immediately."

At this Eumolpus was in great confusion, and, without asking the
occasion of my passion, presently made out: But drawing the door after
him, what I did not in the least suspect, he lock'd me in, and
stealing the key out of the door, ran in pursuit of Gito.

The rage I was in to be so abus'd, put me upon hanging my self; and
having ty'd an apron, I found in the room, to the bed-stead, committed
my neck to the noose I had made with its strings: When Eumolpus and
Gito came to the door, and entering, prevented my design: Gito, his
grief growing to a rage, made a great out-cry, and forcing me on the
bed, "You're mistaken," said he, "Encolpius, if you fancy it possible
for you to dye before me: I was first in the design, and had not
surviv'd my choice of Ascyltos; if I had met with an instrument of
death: But had not you come to my relief in the bath, I had resolv'd
to throw my self out of the window: And that you may know how ready
death is to wait those that desire it: see--I've got what you so
lately endeavour'd."

Upon which, having snatch'd a rasor from Eumolpus's servant, he struck
three or four times 't his throat, and fell down before us: frightened
at the accident, I cry'd out, and falling upon him e're he had reached
the ground, with the same weapon, endeavoured to follow him: But
neither had Gito any appearance of a wound, nor did I feel my self
hurt: For it happen'd to be a dull rasor, design'dly made so, to
prepare learners of the art to handle a sharper which was the reason
Eumolpus did not offer to prevent our mimick deaths, nor his man look
concern'd when the rasor was snatch'd from him.

While this scene was acting, the inn-keeper came in upon us, with the
other part of our supper; and viewing the obscene posture we were in,
"I beseech you, sirs," said he, "are ye drunk, or have fled justice,
and are acting it on your selves, or both? ho! who was going to make a
gibet of the bed? What private designs are here on foot? What--was
your going out but now with intent to bilke me? But you shall feel
fo't: I'll soon make ye know who rules here."

"What, you rascal," crys Eumolpus, "do you threat too?" And without
more ado flung his fist in his face: The inn-keeper took up an earthen
pitcher we so oft had empty'd, and sending it at Eumolpus, broke his
forehead, and immediately ran down stairs: Eumolpus, impatient of
revenge, snatching up a great wooden candlestick, made after him; and
pouring his blows very thick on the inn-keeper, repair'd the injury
with interest: This alarm'd the whole house, and whilst the rest of
his guess, that by this time were most of 'em drunk; ran to see what
was the matter, taking an opportunity to revenge the injury Eumolpus
had offer'd me, I lock'd him out; and turning thus his trick upon
himself, at once, enjoy'd the bed and board without a rival.

In the mean time, the islanders (that came in at the bustle) and cooks
with all their kitchin artillery set upon Eumolpus: One throws at his
head a hot spit with the meat on't; another with a pitchfork puts
himself in a martial posture against him; but especially a blear-ey'd
old woman, who tucking up the dirty apron she had about her, with one
shoe on, and another off, hall'd a great mastiff and set him at
Eumolpus: But with the wooden candlestick he defended himself against
all his enemies.

We saw all through a hole they had made by wrenching the latch from
the door: I wish'd him well you may imagine; but Gito had compassion
and wou'd have succour'd the distrest Eumolpus; upon which, my rage
continuing, I gave his pitying head two or three blows with my fist;
he sate down on the bed and cry'd: but I so eagerly ply'd the hole, I
made my eyes relieve each other; and, encouraging the people against
him, with great satisfaction beheld the conflict: when the bailiff of
the island, one Bargates, whom the scuffle had rais'd from supper; was
brought into the room, supported by others legs, for he was troubl'd
with the gout, he cou'd not use his own: And having in his clownish
manner, with a great deal of heat, made a long harangue against
drunkards and vagabonds, looking on Eumolpus, "ha! what is it you,"
says he, "the excellent poet? What--has these rogues been abusing you
all this while?" At what time he goes up to Eumolpus, and in a
whisper, "I have a maid," says he, "that flouts at me when I ask her
the question; prithee, if you have any love for me, abuse her in a
copy of verses till she's ashamed of her self."

While Eumolpus was thus ingag'd with Bargates, the cryer of the town,
and some other officer, attended with a great concourse of people,
entred the inn; and, shaking a smoaky rather than lighted torch he
carried, mouths out this; viz.

NOT LONG AGO, RUN AWAY FROM THE BATH, A VERY PRETTY BOY, WITH CURL'D
HAIR, BY NAME, GITO.

IF ANY MAN, OR WOMAN, IN CITY, OR COUNTRY CAN TELL TALE OR TIDINGS OF
HIM, SHALL HAVE FOR HIS REWARD 1000 SESTERCES.

Not far from the cryer, stood Ascyltos, clad with a coat of many
colours; who, to incourage any discoverer, held the reward in a silver
charger before him.

Upon this, I order'd Gito to steal under the bed, and thrust his feet
and hands through the cords that, as Ulysses formerly hid in a sheeps
hide, so extended he might cheat the searchers.

Gito immediately obey'd the motion, and fixing himself, as I directed,
out-did Ulysses in his native art: But, that I might leave no room for
suspicion, I so disposed the bed-cloaths, that none could believe more
than my self had lain there.

We had just done, when Ascyltos, with a beadle, having search'd the
other chambers, came to ours, which gave him greater hopes, because he
found the door so barr'd: But the petty officer he brought, with an
iron crow, forc'd it open.

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