Monsieur de Pourceaugnac
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MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.
BY
MOLIERE
TRANSLATED INTO ENGLISH PROSE.
_WITH SHORT INTRODUCTIONS AND EXPLANATORY NOTES_.
BY
CHARLES HERON WALL
'Monsieur de Pourceaugnac', acted on October 6, 1669, is nothing but
a farce. But Molière excels in farce as well as in higher comedy, and
'Monsieur de Pourceaugnac' is one of the best of its kind. The
attacks upon the doctors of the time are not exaggerated. Molière
acted the part of Mr. de Pourceaugnac.
PERSONS REPRESENTED.
MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC. ORONTE, _father to_ JULIA.
ÉRASTE, _lover to_ JULIA.
SBRIGANI, _a Neapolitan adventurer_.
FIRST PHYSICIAN.
SECOND PHYSICIAN.
AN APOTHECARY.
A PEASANT.
A FEMALE PEASANT.
FIRST SWISS.
SECOND SWISS.
A POLICE OFFICER.
TWO INFERIOR POLICE OFFICERS.
JULIA, _daughter to_ ORONTE.
NÉRINE, _an intriguing woman, supposed to come from Picardy._
LUCETTE, _supposed to come from Gascony._
* * * * *
The scene is in Paris.
MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.
ACT I.
SCENE I.--ÉRASTE, A LADY SINGER, TWO MEN SINGERS, _several others
performing on instruments_, DANCERS.
ERA. (_to the_ MUSICIANS _and_ DANCERS). Carry out the
orders I have given you for the serenade. As for myself, I will
withdraw, for I do not wish to be seen here.
SCENE II.--A LADY SINGER, TWO MEN SINGERS, _several others
performing on instruments_, DANCERS.
LADY (_sings_).
Spread, charming night, spread over every brow
The subtle scent of thy narcotic flower,
And let no wakeful hearts keep vigil now
Save those enthralled by love's resistless power.
More beautiful than day's most beauteous light,
Thy silent shades were made for love's delight.
FIRST SINGER.
Love is sweet when none our wills oppose;
Then peaceful tastes our gentle hearts dispose;
But tyrants reign, who gave us birth and life.
Ah! love is sweet when love is free from strife.
SECOND SINGER.
All who strive 'gainst love must fall;
Perfect love will conquer all.
ALL THREE.
Let us love with an eternal ardour!
Let parents frown, and try in vain to cure,
Absence, hardship, or cruel fortune's rigour
Will only strengthen love when true and pure.
_First entry of the_ BALLET.
(_Dance of the two_ DANCING MASTERS.)
_Second entry of the_ BALLET.
(_Dance of the two_ PAGES.)
_Third entry of the_ BALLET.
(_Four_ SPECTATORS, _who quarrelled during the dance, now
dance, sword in hand, fighting all the while_.)
_Fourth entry of the_ BALLET.
(_Two_ SOLDIERS _separate the combatants, and dance with
them_.)
SCENE III.--JULIA, ÉRASTE, NÉRINE.
JUL. Oh dear, Éraste! take care that we are not discovered. I am so
afraid of being seen with you; all would be lost after the command I
have received to the contrary.
ERA. I see nobody about.
JUL. (_to_ NÉRINE). Just keep watch, Nérine, and be careful that
nobody comes.
NER. (_going to the farther end of the stage_). Trust me for
that: and say all you have to say to each other.
JUL. Have you thought of anything to favour our plan, Éraste? And do
you think that we shall succeed in breaking off that marriage which
my father has taken into his head?
ERA. We are at least doing all we can for it, and we have ready many
schemes to bring such an absurd notion to naught.
NER. (_running towards_ JULIA). I say, here is your father.
JUL. Ah! let us separate quickly.
NER. No, no; don't go; I made a mistake.
JUL. How absurd you are, Nérine, to give us such a fright!
ERA. Yes, dear Julia, we have plenty of stratagems ready for the
purpose; and, in accordance with the permission you have given me, we
will not hesitate to make use of every means. Do not ask me what it
is we are going to do; you will have the fun of seeing it, and, as at a
comedy, it will be nice for you to have the pleasure of being surprised
without my letting you know beforehand what is going to take place.
This is telling you that we have many schemes in hand for the
occasion, and that our clever Nérine and the dexterous Sbrigani have
undertaken to bring the affair to a successful issue.
NER. Yes, we have indeed. Is your father crazy to think of entangling
you with his lawyer of Limoges; that Mr. de Pourceaugnac, whom he
has never seen in his life, and who comes by the coach to take you
away before our very eyes? Ought three or four thousand crowns, more
or less--and that, too, upon the word of your uncle--to make him refuse
a lover you like? Besides, are you made for a Limousin? If he has taken
it into his head to marry, why does he not take one of his own
countrywomen, and let Christians be at peace? The very name of
Pourceaugnac puts me in a frightful rage. I boil over with Mr. de
Pourceaugnac. If it were only because of the name, I would do
anything to prevent the match. No, you shall not be Mrs. de
Pourceaugnac. Pourceaugnac! Was ever such a name heard of! [Footnote:
Pourceaugnac equals _pourceau_, "a young pig," plus the local
ending _-gnac_.] No, I could never put up with Pourceaugnac; and
we will abuse the man to such an extent, and play him so many tricks,
that he will have to return to Limoges, Mr. de Pourceaugnac.
ERA. Here is our cunning Neapolitan, who will give us news.
SCENE IV.--JULIA, ÉRASTE, SBRIGANI, NÉRINE.
SBRI. Our man has just come, Sir. I saw him at a place three leagues
away from here, where the coach stops; and I studied him for more
than half an hour in the kitchen, where he went down to breakfast,
and I know him now perfectly. As to his appearance, I will say nothing
about it; you will see for yourselves what nature has done for him, and
if his dress is not the very thing to set that off. But as for his
understanding, I can tell you beforehand that it is among the dullest I
have met with for a long time. We shall find in him a fit subject to work
upon as we like. He is just the man to fall into all the traps laid for
him.
ERA. Is all that possible?
SBRI. Perfectly true, and I am skilled in the knowledge of men.
NER. (_pointing to_ SBRIGANI). This is a famous man, Madam; and
your affair could not be trusted to better hands. He is the hero of
the age, for the wonders he has performed. A man who, twenty times in
his life, has generously braved the galleys to serve his friends;
who, at the peril of his arms and shoulders, [Footnote: Compare the
"royal cautery" in 'The Flying Doctor'] knows how to bring to a
successful issue the most difficult enterprises; and who is, in
short, banished from his country for I don't know how many honourable
actions he has generously engaged in.
SBRI. I am ashamed to hear the praises with which you honour me, and
I could most justly extol the marvellous things you did in your life;
I could particularly speak of the glory you acquired when you cheated
at play that young nobleman we brought to your house, and won twelve
thousand crowns from him; when you handsomely made that false
contract which ruined a whole family; when with such greatness of
soul you denied all knowledge of the deposit which had been entrusted
to you, and so generously gave evidence which hung two innocent
people.
NER. These are trifles not worth mentioning, and your praises make me
blush.
SBRI. Then I will spare your modesty. Let us leave that aside, and
speak of our business. To begin with, I will quickly rejoin our
countryman, while you, on your side, will see that all the other
actors in the comedy are kept in readiness.
ERA. And you, Madam, pray remember your part, that in order to
conceal our aim the better, you are to affect to be quite perfectly
delighted with your father's resolutions.
JUL. If it only depends on that, things will be sure to succeed.
ERA. But, dear Julia, if everything were to fail?
JUL. I will declare my real inclinations to my father.
ERA. And if he persists in his designs in spite of your inclinations?
JUL. I will threaten to shut myself up in a convent.
ERA. But if, notwithstanding all that, he wished to force you to this
marriage?
JUL. Why, what would you have me say?
ERA. What do I want you to say?
JUL. Yes.
ERA. What is said when one loves truly?
JUL. But what?
ERA. That nothing shall force you; that in spite of all your father
can do, you promise to be mine.
JUL. Ah me! Éraste, be satisfied with what I do now, and leave the
future alone. Do not perplex me in my duty, by speaking of sad
expedients to which we may not be obliged to have recourse. Allow me
to be led by the course of events.
ERA. Will....
SBRI. Sir, here is our man. Be careful.
NER. Ah! what a guy! [Footnote: Sbrigani and Nérine are merely the
conventional rogues of the stage. Compare Mascarille, Scapin.]
SCENE V.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI.
MR. POUR. (_turning to the side he came from, and speaking to the
people who are following him_). Well, what is it? What is the
matter? What do you want? Deuce take this stupid town, and the people
who live in it! Nobody can walk a step without meeting a lot of asses
staring and laughing like fools at one. You boobies, mind your
business; and let folk pass without grinning in their faces. Deuce
take me if I don't knock down the first man I see laughing.
SBRI. (_speaking to the same people_). What are you about? What
is the meaning of such conduct? What is it you want? Is it right to
make fun like that of strangers who come here?
MR. POUR. Here is a man of sense at last.
SBRI. What manners! And what is there to laugh at?
MR. POUR. Quite right.
SBRI. Is there anything ridiculous in this gentleman?
MR. POUR. I ask you?
SBRI. Is he not like other people?
MR. POUR. Am I crooked or hunchbacked?
SBRI. Learn to distinguish people.
MR. POUR. Well said.
SBRI. This gentleman's qualities call for your respect.
MR. POUR. Perfectly true.
SBRI. He is a person of quality.
MR. POUR. Yes, a gentleman from Limoges.
SBRI. A man of intelligence.
MR. POUR. Who has studied the law. [Footnote: Compare act ii. scene
xii.]
SBRI. He does you too much honour in coming to this town.
MR. POUR. Ay, indeed.
SBRI. This gentleman has nothing in him that can make you laugh.
MR. POUR. Certainly not.
SBRI. And the first who laughs at him, I will call to account.
MR. POUR. (_to_ SBRIGANI). Sir, I am extremely, obliged to you.
SBRI. I am sorry, Sir, to see a person like you received after such a
fashion.
MR. POUR. Your servant, Sir.
SBRI. I saw you breakfasting this morning, Sir, with the other
passengers; and the grace with which you ate created in me at once a
great friendship for you; and as I know that you have never been here
before, and that you are a perfect stranger, I am glad I met you, to
offer you my services at your arrival, and to assist you among these
people, who do not always behave to strangers of quality as they
should.
MR. POUR. You are really very kind.
SBRI. I have told you already; the moment I saw you, I felt an
inclination for you.
MR. POUR. I am greatly obliged to you.
SBRI. Your countenance pleased me.
MR. POUR. You do me much honour.
SBRI. I read honesty in it.
MR. POUR. I am your servant
SBRI. Something amiable.
MR. POUR. Ah! ah!
SBRI. Graceful.
MR. POUR. Ah! ah!
SBRI. Sweet.
MR. POUR. Ah! ah!
SBRI. Majestic.
MR. POUR. Ah! ah!
SBRI. Frank.
MR. POUR. Ah! ah!
SBRI. And cordial.
MR. POUR. Ah! ah!
SBRI. Believe that I am entirely yours.
MR. POUR. I am greatly obliged to you.
SBRI. I speak from the bottom of my heart.
MR. POUR. I believe you.
SBRI. If I had the honour of being known to you, you would find that
I am altogether sincere.
MR. POUR. I do not doubt it.
SBRI. An enemy to deceit.
MR. POUR. I feel sure of it.
SBRI. And that I am incapable of disguising my thoughts.
MR. POUR. It is exactly what I think.
SBRI. You look at my dress, which is not like that of other people;
but I came originally from Naples, at your service; and I always like
to keep up the way of dressing as well as the sincerity of my
country. [Footnote: The Neapolitans had no great reputation for
sincerity.]
MR. POUR. You are quite right. For my part, I was desirous of
appearing in the court dress for the country. [Footnote: _Mode de
la cour pour la campagne_.]
SBRI. Truly, it becomes you better than it does all our courtiers.
MR. POUR. Exactly what my tailor told me. The coat is suitable and
rich; it will tell here among these people.
SBRI. You will go to the Louvre, no doubt?
MR. POUR. Yes; I must go and pay my court.
SBRI. The king will be charmed to see you.
MR. POUR. I believe so.
SBRI. Have you fixed upon rooms?
MR. POUR. No; I was going to look for some.
SBRI. I shall be very glad to go with you; I know all this city well.
SCENE VI.--ÉRASTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI.
ERA. Ah, who is this? What do I see? What a happy meeting! Mr.
de Pourceaugnac! How delighted I am to see you! What! anyone
would think that you find it difficult to remember me!
MR. POUR. Sir, I am your servant.
ERA. Is it possible that five or six years can have made you forget
me? Do you not remember the best friend of the de Pourceaugnacs?
MR. POUR. Yes, yes. (_Aside to_ SBRIGANI) Deuce take me if I
know who he is.
ERA. There is not one of the de Pourceaugnacs of Limoges that I do
not know, from the greatest to the smallest; I visited only them
during my stay there, and I had the honour of seeing you every day.
MR. POUR. The honour was mine, Sir.
ERA. You do not remember my face?
MR. POUR. Yes, yes. (_To_ SBRIGANI) I don't know him a bit.
ERA. You do not remember that I had the pleasure of drinking with you
I don't know how many times?
MR. POUR. Excuse me. (_To_ SBRIGANI) I don't know anything about
it.
ERA. What is the name of that pastrycook who cooks such capital
dinners?
MR. POUR. Petit-Jean.
ERA. Just so. We used often to go there together to enjoy ourselves.
How do you call that place where people go for a walk?
MR. POUR. The cemetery of the Arènes.
ERA. Exactly. It is there I enjoyed so many happy hours of your
pleasant talk. Don't you remember it all now?
MR. POUR. Pardon me; yes, I remember. (_To_ SBRIGANI) Deuce take
me if I do.
SBRI. (_aside to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). There are a hundred
things like that which one is apt to forget altogether.
ERA. Let us embrace, I pray, and renew our former friendship.
SBRI. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). This man seems to have a great
affection for you.
ERA. Tell me some news of all the family. How is that gentleman
your ... he who is such an honest man?
MR. POUR. My brother the sheriff? [Footnote: _Consul_ in the
south equalled _échevin_ in the north. Both words are obsolete
in this sense.]
ERA. Yes.
MR. POUR. He is as well as can be.
ERA. I am delighted to hear it. And that good tempered man? You know,
your....
MR. POUR. My cousin, the assessor?
ERA. Exactly.
MR. POUR. Always gay and hearty.
ERA. It gives me much pleasure to hear it. And your uncle, the....
MR. POUR. I have no uncle.
ERA. But you had one in those days?
MR. POUR. No; only an aunt....
ERA. Ah! it's what I meant; your aunt; Mrs.... How is she?
MR. POUR. She died six months ago.
ERA. Alas! poor woman. She was so good, too!
MR. POUR. We have also my nephew, the canon, who almost died of the
smallpox.
ERA. What a pity if it had happened!
MR. POUR. Do you know him also?
ERA. Indeed I do; a tall handsome fellow.
MR. POUR. Not so very tall.
ERA. No; but well-shaped.
MR. POUR. Yes, yes.
ERA. He's your nephew, isn't he?
MR. POUR. Yes.
ERA. Son of your brother or your sister?
MR. POUR. True.
ERA. A canon of the church of.... How do you call it?
MR. POUR. Saint Stephen.
ERA. Just so; I don't know any other.
MR. POUR. (_to_ SBRIGANI). He knows all my relations.
SBRI. He knows you better than you think.
MR. POUR. You must have lived a long time in our town, I see.
ERA. Two whole years.
MR. POUR. You were there, then, when our governor was godfather to my
cousin the assessor's child?
ERA. To be sure; I was one of the first invited.
MR. POUR. The thing was well done.
ERA. Very.
MR. POUR. The dinner was well got up.
ERA. Yes, indeed.
MR. POUR. Then you must remember the quarrel I had with that
gentleman from Périgord.
ERA. Yes.
MR. POUR. He met with his match, eh?
ERA. Ah! ah!
MR. POUR. He slapped my face; but I paid him back handsomely.
ERA. Very handsomely, By the bye, I shall not allow you to go to any
other house but mine.
MR. POUR. I would not....
ERA. Nonsense! I will not allow one of my best friends to go anywhere
but to my house.
MR. POUR. It would be disturb....
ERA. No; deuce take it all. You shall stay with me.
SBRI. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Since he will have it so, I
advise you to accept.
ERA. Where is your luggage?
MR. POUR. With my servant, where we stopped.
ERA. Send somebody to fetch it.
MR. POUR. No. I forbade him to let it go out of his sight, for fear
of swindlers.
SBRI. You did quite right.
MR. POUR. It is good to be cautious in this place.
ERA. We always know a man of sense.
SBRI. I will accompany this gentleman, and bring him back where you
wish.
ERA. Do so. I have a few orders to give; but you only need come to
that house yonder.
SBRI. We will come back presently.
ERA. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). I shall expect you with great
impatience.
MR. POUR. (_to_ SBRIGANI). I find an acquaintance when I little
expected to meet with one.
SBRI. He looks like an honest man. (_Exeunt._)
ERA. (_alone_). Ah! ah! Mr. de Pourceaugnac, you will get it
hot! Everything is ready, and I have only to give the word. Soho!
there.
SCENE VII.--ÉRASTE, AN APOTHECARY.
ERA. I think, Sir, that you are the doctor to whom somebody went to
speak in my name.
APO. No, Sir. I am not the doctor; such an honour does not belong to
me. I am only an unworthy apothecary; at your service.
ERA. Is the doctor at home, then.
APO. Yes; he is in there, trying to get rid quickly of some patients.
I will tell him that you are here.
ERA. No; you need not disturb him; I will wait till he has done. I
have to entrust to his care a certain relation of mine he was told
about today. He is attacked with a sort of madness that we should
like to see cured before we marry him to anyone.
APO. I know; I know all about it. I was there when he was told of
this affair. Upon my word, Sir; upon my word, you could not apply to
a more skilful doctor. He is a man who understands medicine
thoroughly, as well as I do my A B C; [Footnote: _Ma croix de par
Dieu_, "my Christ-cross-row," or "Criss-cross-row," in old and
provincial English.] and who, were you to die for it, would not abate
one iota of the rules of the ancients. Yes, he always follows the
high-road--the high-road, Sir, and doesn't spend his time finding out
mares' nests. For all the gold in the world he would not cure anybody
with other medicines than those prescribed by the faculty.
ERA. He is quite right. A patient should not wish to be cured unless
the faculty consents to it.
APO. It is not because we are great friends that I speak so of him;
but it is a pleasure to be his patient, and I had rather die by his
medicines than be cured with those of another. For, whatever may
happen, we know for certain that things are always in due order; and
should we die under his care, our heirs have nothing to reproach us
with.
ERA. A great comfort to a dead man.
APO. Certainly; it is pleasant to have died according to rules.
Moreover, he is not one of those doctors who let a disease off. He is
an expeditious man--expeditious, Sir, who likes to clear off his
patients; and when they are to die, the thing is done in no time.
ERA. There is, to be sure, nothing like going through the business
quickly.
APO. Indeed, what is the use of haggling over the matter, and beating
so long about the bush? One should know offhand the long and short of
an illness.
ERA. You are quite right.
APO. Why, he did me the honour of taking care of three of my
children; they died in less than four days, whereas with another they
would have lingered for more than three months.
ERA. It is a blessing to have friends like these.
APO. Decidedly. I have still two children left, of whom he takes care
as if they were his own; he attends them, and physics them as he
pleases, without my interfering in the least; and very frequently on
my return from the city, I am quite surprised to find that they have
been bled or purged by his direction.
ERA. This is kind care indeed!
APO. Here he is, here he is; here he is coming.
SCENE VIII.--ÉRASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY, COUNTRYMAN,
COUNTRYWOMAN.
C. MAN. Sir, he can hold out no longer; he says he feels the greatest
pains imaginable in his head.
1ST PHY. The patient is a fool; for in the disease by which he is
attacked it is not his head, according to Galen, but the spleen,
which must give pain.
C. MAN. However this may be, Sir, he has had for the last six months
a laxity with it.
1ST PHY. That's right. It is a sign that his body is clearing. I will
go and see him in two or three days; but if he dies before, mind you
do not forget to give me notice, for it is not proper that a doctor
should go to visit a dead man.
C. WOM. (_to_ PHYSICIAN). My father, Sir, is getting worse and
worse.
1ST PHY. It is no fault of mine; I send him remedies; why does he not
get better? How many times has he been bled?
C. WOM. Fifteen times, Sir, in twenty days.
1ST PHY. Fifteen times?
C. WOM. Yes.
1ST PHY. And he does not get better?
C. WOM. No, Sir.
PHY. It is a sign that the seat of the malady is not in the blood. He
must be purged as many times, to see if it is in the humours; and if
this does not succeed, we will send him to the bath.
APO. This is the _beau-idéal_ of physic.
SCENE IX.--ÉRASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY.
ERA. (_to the_ PHYSICIAN). It was I, Sir, who sent to you few
days ago about a relation of mine who is not quite right in his mind;
and I want him to live in your house, as it would be more convenient
for you to attend to him, and to prevent him from being seen by too
many people.
1ST PHY. Yes, Sir, I have got everything ready; and I will take the
utmost care of him.
ERA. Here he is.
1ST PHY. That is most fortunate; for I have with me just now an old
physician, a friend of mine, with whom I should be glad to consult
concerning this disorder.
SCENE X.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, ÉRASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY.
ERA. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). I am obliged to leave you a
moment for a little affair which requires my presence; (_showing
the_ PHYSICIAN) but this person, in whose hands I leave you, will
do for you all he possibly can.
1ST PHY. I am bound by my profession to do so; and it is enough that
you should lay this duty upon me.
MR. POUR. (_aside_). It is his steward, no doubt; he must be a
man of quality.
1ST PHY. (_to_ ÉRASTE). Yes, Sir; I assure you that I shall
treat this gentleman methodically, and in strict accordance with the
rules of our art.
MR. POUR. Indeed, I do not ask for so much ceremony; and I have not
come here to trouble you so.
1ST PHY. Such a duty is a pleasure to me.
ERA. (_to_ 1ST PHYSICIAN). Nevertheless, here are ten pistoles
beforehand, as an earnest of what I have promised you.
MR. POUR. No, if you please; I won't hear of your spending anything
on my account, nor do I wish you to send for anything particular for
me.
ERA. Ah, pray, do not trouble yourself; it is not for that you
imagine.
MR. POUR. I beg of you to treat me only as a friend.
ERA. It is exactly what I mean to do. (_Aside to the_ PHYSICIAN)
I particularly recommend you not to let him slip out of your hands,
for at times he tries to escape.
1ST PHY. You need not fear.
ERA. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Pray excuse the incivility I
commit.
MR. POUR. Don't mention it. You are really too kind.
SCENE XI.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, 1ST PHYSICIAN, 2ND PHYSICIAN,
APOTHECARY.
1ST PHY. It is a great honour to me to be chosen to do you a service.
MR. POUR. I am your servant.
1ST PHY. Here is a clever man, one of my brethren, with whom I will
consult concerning the manner of our treating you.
MR. POUR. There is no need of so much ceremony, I tell you; I am
easily satisfied.
1ST PHY. Bring some seats. (_Servants come in and place
chairs._)
MR. POUR. (_aside_). These servants are rather dismal for a
young man.
1ST PHY. Now, Sir; take a seat, Sir. (_The two_ PHYSICIANS
_make_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC _sit between them_.)
MR. POUR. (_seated_). Your very humble servant. (_Each_
PHYSICIAN _takes one of his hands, and feels his pulse._) What
are you about?
1ST PHY. Do you eat well, Sir?
MR. POUR. Yes; and drink still better.
1ST PHY. So much the worse! That great craving for cold and wet is a
sign of the heat and aridity that is within. Do you sleep well?
MR. POUR. Yes; when I have made a hearty supper.
1ST PHY. Do you dream much?
MR. POUR. Now and then.
1ST PHY. Of what nature are your dreams?
MR. POUR. Of the nature of dreams. What the deuce is the meaning of
this conversation?
1ST PHY. Have a little patience. We will reason upon your affair in
your presence; and we will do it in the vulgar tongue, so that you
may understand better.