A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P R S T U V W X Z

The Home and the World

R >> Rabindranath Tagore >> The Home and the World




But in the night the mind is weak. I came back into the bedroom
where my husband was asleep, closing my eyes as I passed through,
and went off to the open terrace beyond, on which I lay prone,
clasping to my breast the end of the __sari__ tied over the
gold. And each one of the rolls gave me a shock of pain.

The silent night stood there with forefinger upraised. I could
not think of my house as separate from my country: I had robbed
my house, I had robbed my country. For this sin my house had
ceased to be mine, my country also was estranged from me. Had I
died begging for my country, even unsuccessfully, that would have
been worship, acceptable to the gods. But theft is never
worship--how then can I offer this gold? Ah me! I am doomed to
death myself, must I desecrate my country with my impious touch?
The way to put the money back is closed to me. I have not
the strength to return to the room, take again that key, open
once more that safe--I should swoon on the threshold of my
husband's door. The only road left now is the road in front.
Neither have I the strength deliberately to sit down and count
the coins. Let them remain behind their coverings: I cannot
calculate.

There was no mist in the winter sky. The stars were shining
brightly. If, thought I to myself, as I lay out there, I had to
steal these stars one by one, like golden coins, for my country--
these stars so carefully stored up in the bosom of the darkness--
then the sky would be blinded, the night widowed for ever, and my
theft would rob the whole world. But was not also this very
thing I had done a robbing of the whole world--not only of money,
but of trust, of righteousness?

I spent the night lying on the terrace. When at last it was
morning, and I was sure that my husband had risen and left the
room, then only with my shawl pulled over my head, could I
retrace my steps towards the bedroom.

My sister-in-law was about, with her brass pot, watering her
plants. When she saw me passing in the distance she cried: "Have
you heard the news, Chota Rani?"

I stopped in silence, all in a tremor. It seemed to me that the
rolls of sovereigns were bulging through the shawl. I feared
they would burst and scatter in a ringing shower, exposing to all
the servants of the house the thief who had made herself
destitute by robbing her own wealth.

"Your band of robbers," she went on, "have sent an anonymous
message threatening to loot the treasury."

I remained as silent as a thief.

"I was advising Brother Nikhil to seek your protection," she
continued banteringly. "Call off your minions, Robber Queen! We
will offer sacrifices to your __Bande Mataram__ if you will
but save us. What doings there are these days!--but for the
Lord's sake, spare our house at least from burglary."

I hastened into my room without reply. I had put my foot on
quicksand, and could not now withdraw it. Struggling would only
send me down deeper.

If only the time would arrive when I could hand over the money to
Sandip! I could bear it no longer, its weight was breaking
through my very ribs.

It was still early when I got word that Sandip was awaiting me.
Today I had no thought of adornment. Wrapped as I was in my
shawl, I went off to the outer apartments. As I entered the
sitting-room I saw Sandip and Amulya there, together. All my
dignity, all my honour, seemed to run tingling through my body
from head to foot and vanish into the ground. I should have to
lay bare a woman's uttermost shame in sight of this boy! Could
they have been discussing my deed in their meeting place? Had
any vestige of a veil of decency been left for me?

We women shall never understand men. When they are bent on
making a road for some achievement, they think nothing of
breaking the heart of the world into pieces to pave it for the
progress of their chariot. When they are mad with the
intoxication of creating, they rejoice in destroying the creation
of the Creator. This heart-breaking shame of mine will not
attract even a glance from their eyes. They have no feeling for
life itself--all their eagerness is for their object. What am I
to them but a meadow flower in the path of a torrent in flood?

What good will this extinction of me be to Sandip? Only five
thousand rupees? Was not I good for something more than only
five thousand rupees? Yes, indeed! Did I not learn that from
Sandip himself, and was I not able in the light of this knowledge
to despise all else in my world? I was the giver of light, of
life, of __Shakti__, of immortality--in that belief, in that
joy, I had burst all my bounds and come into the open. Had
anyone then fulfilled for me that joy, I should have lived in my
death. I should have lost nothing in the loss of my all.
Do they want to tell me now that all this was false? The psalm
of my praise which was sung so devotedly, did it bring me down
from my heaven, not to make heaven of earth, but only to level
heaven itself with the dust?



XVI


"The money, Queen?" said Sandip with his keen glance full on my
face.

Amulya also fixed his gaze on me. Though not my own mother's
child, yet the dear lad is brother to me; for mother is mother
all the world over. With his guileless face, his gentle eyes,
his innocent youth, he looked at me. And I, a woman--of his
mother's sex--how could I hand him poison, just because he asked
for it?

"The money, Queen!" Sandip's insolent demand rang in my ears.
For very shame and vexation I felt I wanted to fling that gold at
Sandip's head. I could hardly undo the knot of my __sari__,
my fingers trembled so. At last the paper rolls dropped on the
table.

Sandip's face grew black ... He must have thought that the rolls
were of silver ... What contempt was in his looks. What utter
disgust at incapacity. It was almost as if he could have struck
me! He must have suspected that I had come to parley with him,
to offer to compound his claim for five thousand rupees with a
few hundreds. There was a moment when I thought he would snatch
up the rolls and throw them out of the window, declaring that he
was no beggar, but a king claiming tribute.

"Is that all?" asked Amulya with such pity welling up in his
voice that I wanted to sob out aloud. I kept my heart tightly
pressed down, and merely nodded my head. Sandip was speechless.
He neither touched the rolls, nor uttered a sound.

My humiliation went straight to the boy's heart. With a sudden,
feigned enthusiasm he exclaimed: "It's plenty. It will do
splendidly. You have saved us." With which he tore open the
covering of one of the rolls.

The sovereigns shone out. And in a moment the black covering
seemed to be lifted from Sandip's countenance also. His delight
beamed forth from his features. Unable to control his sudden
revulsion of feeling, he sprang up from his seat towards me.
What he intended I know not. I flashed a lightning glance
towards Amulya--the colour had left the boy's face as at the
stroke of a whip. Then with all my strength I thrust Sandip from
me. As he reeled back his head struck the edge of the marble
table and he dropped on the floor. There he lay awhile,
motionless. Exhausted with my effort, I sank back on my seat.

Amulya's face lightened with a joyful radiance. He did not even
turn towards Sandip, but came straight up, took the dust of my
feet, and then remained there, sitting on the floor in front of
me. O my little brother, my child! This reverence of yours is
the last touch of heaven left in my empty world! I could contain
myself no longer, and my tears flowed fast. I covered my eyes
with the end of my __sari__, which I pressed to my face with
both my hands, and sobbed and sobbed. And every time that I felt
on my feet his tender touch trying to comfort me my tears broke
out afresh.

After a little, when I had recovered myself and taken my hands
from my face, I saw Sandip back at the table, gathering up the
sovereigns in his handkerchief, as if nothing had happened.
Amulya rose to his seat, from his place near my feet, his wet
eyes shining.


Sandip coolly looked up at my face as he remarked: "It is six
thousand."

"What do we want with so much, Sandip Babu?" cried Amulya.
"Three thousand five hundred is all we need for our work."

"Our wants are not for this one place only," Sandip replied. "We
shall want all we can get."

"That may be," said Amulya. "But in future I undertake to get
you all you want. Out of this, Sandip Babu, please return the
extra two thousand five hundred to the Maharani."

Sandip glanced enquiringly at me.

"No, no," I exclaimed. "I shall never touch that money again.
Do with it as you will."

"Can man ever give as woman can?" said Sandip, looking towards
Amulya.

"They are goddesses!" agreed Amulya with enthusiasm.

"We men can at best give of our power," continued Sandip. "But
women give themselves. Out of their own life they give birth,
out of their own life they give sustenance. Such gifts are the
only true gifts." Then turning to me, "Queen!" said he, "if
what you have given us had been only money I would not have
touched it. But you have given that which is more to you than
life itself!"

There must be two different persons inside men. One of these in
me can understand that Sandip is trying to delude me; the other
is content to be deluded. Sandip has power, but no strength of
righteousness. The weapon of his which rouses up life smites it
again to death. He has the unfailing quiver of the gods, but the
shafts in them are of the demons.

Sandip's handkerchief was not large enough to hold all the coins.
"Queen," he asked, "can you give me another?" When I gave him
mine, he reverently touched his forehead with it, and then
suddenly kneeling on the floor he made me an obeisance.
"Goddess!" he said, "it was to offer my reverence that I had
approached you, but you repulsed me, and rolled me in the dust.
Be it so, I accept your repulse as your boon to me, I raise it to
my head in salutation!" with which he pointed to the place where
he had been hurt.

Had I then misunderstood him? Could it be that his outstretched
hands had really been directed towards my feet? Yet, surely,
even Amulya had seen the passion that flamed out of his eyes, his
face. But Sandip is such an adept in setting music to his chant
of praise that I cannot argue; I lose my power of seeing truth;
my sight is clouded over like an opium-eater's eyes. And so,
after all, he gave me back twice as much in return for the blow I
had dealt him--the wound on his head ended by making me bleed at
heart. When I had received Sandip's obeisance my theft seemed to
gain a dignity, and the gold glittering on the table to smile
away all fear of disgrace, all stings of conscience.

Like me Amulya also was won back. His devotion to Sandip, which
had suffered a momentary check, blazed up anew. The flower-vase
of his mind filled once more with offerings for the worship of
Sandip and me. His simple faith shone out of his eyes with the
pure light of the morning star at dawn.

After I had offered worship and received worship my sin became
radiant. And as Amulya looked on my face he raised his folded
hands in salutation and cried __Bande Mataram__! I cannot
expect to have this adoration surrounding me for ever; and yet
this has come to be the only means of keeping alive my self-
respect.

I can no longer enter my bedroom. The bedstead seems to thrust
out a forbidding hand, the iron safe frowns at me. I want to get
away from this continual insult to myself which is rankling
within me. I want to keep running to Sandip to hear him sing my
praises. There is just this one little altar of worship which
has kept its head above the all-pervading depths of my dishonour,
and so I want to cleave to it night and day; for on whichever
side I step away from it, there is only emptiness.

Praise, praise, I want unceasing praise. I cannot live if my
wine-cup be left empty for a single moment. So, as the very
price of my life, I want Sandip of all the world, today.

XVII



When my husband nowadays comes in for his meals I feel I cannot
sit before him; and yet it is such a shame not to be near him
that I feel I cannot do that either. So I seat myself where we
cannot look at each other's face. That was how I was sitting the
other day when the Bara Rani came and joined us.

"It is all very well for you, brother," said she, "to laugh away
these threatening letters. But they do frighten me so. Have you
sent off that money you gave me to the Calcutta bank?"

"No, I have not yet had the time to get it away," my husband
replied.

"You are so careless, brother dear, you had better look out..."

"But it is in the iron safe right inside the inner dressing-
room," said my husband with a reassuring smile.

"What if they get in there? You can never tell!"

"If they go so far, they might as well carry you off too!"

"Don't you fear, no one will come for poor me. The real
attraction is in your room! But joking apart, don't run the risk
of keeping money in the room like that."

"They will be taking along the Government revenue to Calcutta in
a few days now; I will send this money to the bank under the same
escort."

"Very well. But see you don't forget all about it, you are so
absent-minded."

"Even if that money gets lost, while in my room, the loss cannot
be yours, Sister Rani."

"Now, now, brother, you will make me very angry if you talk in
that way. Was I making any difference between yours and mine?
What if your money is lost, does not that hurt me? If Providence
has thought fit to take away my all, it has not left me
insensible to the value of the most devoted brother known since
the days of Lakshman." [25]

"Well, Junior Rani, are you turned into a wooden doll? You have
not spoken a word yet. Do you know, brother, our Junior Rani
thinks I try to flatter you. If things came to that pass I
should not hesitate to do so, but I know my dear old brother does
not need it!"

Thus the Senior Rani chattered on, not forgetting now and then to
draw her brother's attention to this or that special delicacy
amongst the dishes that were being served. My head was all the
time in a whirl. The crisis was fast coming. Something must be
done about replacing that money. And as I kept asking myself
what could be done, and how it was to be done, the unceasing
patter of my sister-in-law's words seemed more and more
intolerable.

What made it all the worse was, that nothing could escape my
sister-in-law's keen eyes. Every now and then she was casting
side glances towards me. What she could read in my face I do not
know, but to me it seemed that everything was written there only
too plainly.

Then I did an infinitely rash thing. Affecting an easy, amused
laugh I said: "All the Senior Rani's suspicions, I see, are
reserved for me--her fears of thieves and robbers are only a
feint."

The Senior Rani smiled mischievously. "You are right, sister
mine. A woman's theft is the most fatal of all thefts. But how
can you elude my watchfulness? Am I a man, that you should
hoodwink me?"

"If you fear me so," I retorted, "let me keep in your hands all I
have, as security. If I cause you loss, you can then repay
yourself."

"Just listen to her, our simple little Junior Rani!" she laughed
back, turning to my husband. "Does she not know that there are
losses which no security can make good, either in this world or
in the next?"

My husband did not join in our exchange of words. When he had
finished, he went off to the outer apartments, for nowadays he
does not take his mid-day rest in our room.

All my more valuable jewels were in deposit in the treasury in
charge of the cashier. Still what I kept with me must have been
worth thirty or forty thousand. I took my jewel-box to the Bara
Rani's room and opened it out before her, saying: "I leave these
with you, sister. They will keep you quite safe from all worry."

The Bara Rani made a gesture of mock despair. "You positively
astound me, Chota Rani!" she said. "Do you really suppose I
spend sleepless nights for fear of being robbed by you?"

"What harm if you did have a wholesome fear of me? Does anybody
know anybody else in this world?"

"You want to teach me a lesson by trusting me? No, no! I am
bothered enough to know what to do with my own jewels, without
keeping watch over yours. Take them away, there's a dear, so
many prying servants are about."

I went straight from my sister-in-law's room to the sitting-room
outside, and sent for Amulya. With him Sandip came along too. I
was in a great hurry, and said to Sandip: "If you don't mind, I
want to have a word or two with Amulya. Would you..."

Sandip smiled a wry smile. "So Amulya and I are separate in your
eyes? If you have set about to wean him from me, I must confess
I have no power to retain him."

I made no reply, but stood waiting.

"Be it so," Sandip went on. "Finish your special talk with
Amulya. But then you must give me a special talk all to myself
too, or it will mean a defeat for me. I can stand everything,
but not defeat. My share must always be the lion's share. This
has been my constant quarrel with Providence. I will defeat the
Dispenser of my fate, but not take defeat at his hands." With a
crushing look at Amulya, Sandip walked out of the room.

"Amulya, my own little brother, you must do one thing for me," I
said.

"I will stake my life for whatever duty you may lay on me,
sister."

I brought out my jewel-box from the folds of my shawl and placed
it before him. "Sell or pawn these," I said, "and get me six
thousand rupees as fast as ever you can."

"No, no, Sister Rani," said Amulya, touched to the quick. "Let
these jewels be. I will get you six thousand all the same."

"Oh, don't be silly," I said impatiently. "There is no time for
any nonsense. Take this box. Get away to Calcutta by the night
train. And bring me the money by the day after tomorrow
positively."

Amulya took a diamond necklace out of the box, held it up to the
light and put it back gloomily.

"I know," I told him, "that you will never get the proper price
for these diamonds, so I am giving you jewels worth about thirty
thousand. I don't care if they all go, but I must have that six
thousand without fail."

"Do you know, Sister Rani," said Amulya, "I have had a quarrel
with Sandip Babu over that six thousand rupees he took from you?
I cannot tell you how ashamed I felt. But Sandip Babu would have
it that we must give up even our shame for the country. That may
be so. But this is somehow different. I do not fear to die for
the country, to kill for the country--that much __Shakti__ has
been given me. But I cannot forget the shame of having taken
money from you. There Sandip Babu is ahead of me. He has no
regrets or compunctions. He says we must get rid of the idea
that the money belongs to the one in whose box it happens to be--
if we cannot, where is the magic of __Bande Mataram__?"

Amulya gathered enthusiasm as he talked on. He always warms up
when he has me for a listener. "The Gita tells us," he
continued, "that no one can kill the soul. Killing is a mere
word. So also is the taking away of money. Whose is the money?
No one has created it. No one can take it away with him when he
departs this life, for it is no part of his soul. Today it is
mine, tomorrow my son's, the next day his creditor's. Since, in
fact, money belongs to no one, why should any blame attach to our
patriots if, instead of leaving it for some worthless son, they
take it for their own use?"

When I hear Sandip's words uttered by this boy, I tremble all
over. Let those who are snake-charmers play with snakes; if harm
comes to them, they are prepared for it. But these boys are so
innocent, all the world is ready with its blessing to protect
them. They play with a snake not knowing its nature, and when we
see them smilingly, trustfully, putting their hands within reach
of its fangs, then we understand how terribly dangerous the snake
is. Sandip is right when he suspects that though I, for myself,
may be ready to die at his hands, this boy I shall wean from him
and save.

"So the money is wanted for the use of your patriots?" I
questioned with a smile.

"Of course it is!" said Amulya proudly. "Are they not our
kings? Poverty takes away from their regal power. Do you know,
we always insist on Sandip Babu travelling First Class? He never
shirks kingly honours--he accepts them not for himself, but for
the glory of us all. The greatest weapon of those who rule the
world, Sandip Babu has told us, is the hypnotism of their
display. To take the vow of poverty would be for them not merely
a penance--it would mean suicide."

At this point Sandip noiselessly entered the room. I threw my
shawl over the jewel-case with a rapid movement.

"The special-talk business not yet over?" he asked with a sneer
in his tone.

"Yes, we've quite finished," said Amulya apologetically. "It was
nothing much."

"No, Amulya," I said, "we have not quite finished."

"So exit Sandip for the second time, I suppose?" said Sandip.

"If you please."

"And as to Sandip's re-entry."

"Not today. I have no time."

"I see!" said Sandip as his eyes flashed. "No time to waste,
only for special talks!"

Jealousy! Where the strong man shows weakness, there the weaker
sex cannot help beating her drums of victory. So I repeated
firmly: "I really have no time."

Sandip went away looking black. Amulya was greatly perturbed.
"Sister Rani," he pleaded, "Sandip Babu is annoyed."

"He has neither cause nor right to be annoyed," I said with some
vehemence. "Let me caution you about one thing, Amulya. Say
nothing to Sandip Babu about the sale of my jewels--on your
life."

"No, I will not."

"Then you had better not delay any more. You must get away by
tonight's train."

Amulya and I left the room together. As we came out on the
verandah Sandip was standing there. I could see he was waiting
to waylay Amulya. To prevent that I had to engage him. "What is
it you wanted to tell me, Sandip Babu?" I asked.

"I have nothing special to say--mere small talk. And since you
have not the time . . "

"I can give you just a little."

By this time Amulya had left. As we entered the room Sandip
asked: "What was that box Amulya carried away?"

The box had not escaped his eyes. I remained firm. "If I could
have told you, it would have been made over to him in your
presence!"

"So you think Amulya will not tell me?"

"No, he will not."

Sandip could not conceal his anger any longer. "You think you
will gain the mastery over me?" he blazed out. "That shall
never be. Amulya, there, would die a happy death if I deigned to
trample him under foot. I will never, so long as I live, allow
you to bring him to your feet!"

Oh, the weak! the weak! At last Sandip has realized that he is
weak before me! That is why there is this sudden outburst of
anger. He has understood that he cannot meet the power that I
wield, with mere strength. With a glance I can crumble his
strongest fortifications. So he must needs resort to bluster. I
simply smiled in contemptuous silence. At last have I come to a
level above him. I must never lose this vantage ground; never
descend lower again. Amidst all my degradation this bit of
dignity must remain to me!

"I know," said Sandip, after a pause, "it was your jewel-case."

"You may guess as you please," said I, "but you will get nothing
out of me.

"So you trust Amulya more than you trust me? Do you know that
the boy is the shadow of my shadow, the echo of my echo--that he
is nothing if I am not at his side?"

"Where he is not your echo, he is himself, Amulya. And that is
where I trust him more than I can trust your echo!"

"You must not forget that you are under a promise to render up
all your ornaments to me for the worship of the Divine Mother.
In fact your offering has already been made."

"Whatever ornaments the gods leave to me will be offered up to
the gods. But how can I offer those which have been stolen away
from me?"

"Look here, it is no use your trying to give me the slip in that
fashion. Now is the time for grim work. Let that work be
finished, then you can make a display of your woman's wiles to
your heart's content--and I will help you in your game."

The moment I had stolen my husband's money and paid it to Sandip,
the music that was in our relations stopped. Not only did I
destroy all my own value by making myself cheap, but Sandip's
powers, too, lost scope for their full play. You cannot employ
your marksmanship against a thing which is right in your grasp.
So Sandip has lost his aspect of the hero; a tone of low
quarrelsomeness has come into his words.

Sandip kept his brilliant eyes fixed full on my face till they
seemed to blaze with all the thirst of the mid-day sky. Once or
twice he fidgeted with his feet, as though to leave his seat, as
if to spring right on me. My whole body seemed to swim, my veins
throbbed, the hot blood surged up to my ears; I felt that if I
remained there, I should never get up at all. With a supreme
effort I tore myself off the chair, and hastened towards the
door.

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