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A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Vol. VI

R >> Robert Dodsley >> A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Vol. VI




_Enter_ DISSIMULATION _and_ COGGING _his man, and_ SIMONY.

COGGING.
Sir, although you be my master, I would not have you to upbraid my name,
But I would have you use the right skill and title of the same:
For my name is neither scogging[214] nor scragging, but ancient Cogging.
Sir, my ancestors were five of the four worthies,
And yourself are of my near kin.

DISSIMULATION.
Indeed thou say'st true, for Cogging is a kinsman to Dissimulation.
But, tell me, have you taken the names of the guests?

COGGING.
Yea, sir.

DISSIMULATION.
Let me hear after what fashion.

_The names of the guests told by_ COGGING.

COGGING.
There is, first and foremost, Master Forgery and Master Flattery,
Master Perjury and Master Injury:
Master Cruelty and Master Pickery, Master Bribery and Master Treachery;
Master Wink-at-wrong and Master Headstrong, Mistress Privy-theft
And Master Deep-deceit, Master Abomination and Mistress Fornication
his wife, Ferdinando False-weight and Frisset False-measure his wife.

DISSIMULATION.
Stay: Fornication and Frisset False-measure are often familiar with
my Lady Lucre, and one of them she accounts her friend.
Therefore they shall sit with the bride in the middest, and the men
at each end.
Let me see; there are sixteen, even as many as well near is able
To dine in the summer-parlour at the playing-table;
Beside my fellow Fraud, and you, fellow Simony;
But I shall have a great miss of my fellow Usury.

SIMONY.
Take no care for that; he came home yesterday even, no longer:
His pardon was quickly begged, and that by a courtier.
But, sirrah, since he came home, he had like to have slain
Good Neighbourhood and Liberality,
Had not True Friendship stepp'd between them very suddenly.
But, sirrah, he hit True Friendship such a blow on the ear,
That he keeps out of all men's sight, I think[215] for shame or for fear.

DISSIMULATION.
Now, of my troth, it is a pretty jest: hath he made True Friendship
hide his head?
Sure, if it be so, Good Neighbourhood and Liberality for fear are fled.

SIMONY.
But, fellow Dissimulation, tell me what priest shall marry ye!

DISSIMULATION.
Marry, that shall an old friend of mine, Master Doctor Hypocrisy.

SIMONY.
Why, will you not have Sir Peter Pleaseman to supply that want?

DISSIMULATION.
Indeed, Sir Peter is a good priest, but Doctor Hypocrisy is most ancient.
But, Cousin Cogging, I pray you go to invite the guests,
And tell them that they need not disturb their quietness:
Desire them to come at dinner-time, and it shall suffice,
Because I know they will be loth so early to rise.
But at any hand will Doctor Hypocrisy,
That he meet us at the church very early;
For I would not have all the world to wonder at our match:
It is an old proverb: 'Tis good having a hatch before the door,
but I'll have a door before the hatch.

COGGING.
Sir, I will about it as fast as I can hie.
I'll first to that scald bald-knave Doctor Hypocrisy. [_Aside_.
[_Exit_ COGGING.

SIMONY.
But, fellow Dissimulation, how darest thou marry with Love,
bearing no love at all?
For thou dost nothing but dissemble: then thy love must needs be small.
Thou canst not love but from the teeth forward.
Sure the wife that marries thee shall highly be preferr'd.

DISSIMULATION.
Tush, tush! you are a merry man: I warrant you I know what I do,
And can yield a good reason for it, I may say unto you.
What, and if the world should change, and run all on her side,
Then might I by her means still in good credit abide.
Thou knowest Love is ancient, and lives peaceably without any strife;
Then sure the people will think well of me, because she is my wife.

SIMONY.
Trust me, thou art as crafty, to have an eye to the main-chance.
As the tailor, that out of seven yards stole one and a half
of durance.[216]
He served at that time the devil in the likeness of Saint Katherine:
Such tailors will thrive, that out of a doublet and a pair of
hose can steal their wife an apron.
The doublet-sleeves three fingers were too short;
The Venetians[217] came nothing near the knee.

DISSIMULATION.
Then, for to make them long enough, I pray thee what did he?

SIMONY.
Two pieces set an handful broad, to lengthen them withal;
Yet for all that below the knee by no means they could fall:
He, seeing that, desired the party to buy as much to make another pair:
The party did: yet, for all that, he stole a quarter there.

DISSIMULATION.
Now, sure, I can him thank, he could his occupation.
My fellow Fraud would laugh to hear one dress'd of such a fashion.
But, fellow Simony, I thank you heartily, for comparing the tailor to me.
As who should say his knavery and my policy did agree.[218]

SIMONY.
Not so; but I was the willinger to tell thee, because I know it
to be a true tale;
And to see how artificers do extol Fraud, by whom they bear their sale.
But come, let us walk, and talk no more of this:
Your policy was very good, and so, no doubt, was his.

[_Exeunt_.

_Enter_ MERCATORE _reading a letter to himself; and let_
GERONTUS _the Jew follow him, and speak as followeth_.

GERONTUS.
Signor Mercatore, why do you not pay me? think you, I will be
mock'd in this sort?
This is three times you have flouted me: it seems you make
thereat a sport.
Truly pay me my money, and that even now presently,
Or by mighty Mahomet I swear I will forthwith arrest ye.

MERCATORE.
Ha, pray a bare wit me tree or four days: me have much business in hand:
Me be troubled with letters, you see here, dat comes from England.

GERONTUS.
Tush, this is not my matter: I have nothing therewith to do.
Pay me my money, or I'll make you, before to your lodging you go.
I have officers stand watching for you, so that you cannot pass by;
Therefore you were best to pay me, or else in prison you shall lie.

MERCATORE.
Arrest me, dou seal knave? marry, do, and if thou dare;
Me will not pay de one penny: arrest me, do, me do not care.
Me will be a Turk; me came heder for dat cause:
Derefore me care not de so mush as two straws.

GERONTUS.
This is but your words, because you would defeat me:
I cannot think you will forsake your faith so lightly.
But seeing you drive me to doubt, I'll try your honesty;
Therefore be sure of this, I'll go about it presently.
[_Exit_.

MERCATORE.
Marry, farewell and be hang'd, sitten, scald, drunken Jew.
I warrant ye me shall be able very well to pay you.
My Lady Lucre have sent me here dis letter,
Praying me to cosen de Jew for love a her.
Derefore me'll go to get a some Turk apparel,
Dat me may cosen de Jew, and end dis quarrel.
[_Exit_.

_Enter three beggars; that is to say_, TOM BEGGAR,
WILY WILL, _and_ SIMPLICITY, _singing_.

THE SONG.

_To the wedding, to the wedding, to the wedding go we:
To the wedding a-begging, a-begging all three.

Tom Beggar shall brave it, and Wily Will too,
Simplicity shall knave it, wherever we go:
With lustly bravado, take care that care will,
To catch it and snatch it we have the brave skill.

Our fingers are lime-twigs, and barbers we be,
To catch sheets from hedges most pleasant to see:
Then to the alewife roundly we set them to sale,
And spend the money merrily upon her good ale.

To the wedding, to the wedding, to the wedding go we:
To the wedding a-begging, a-begging all three_.

FINIS.

TOM.
Now truly, my masters, of all occupations under the sun,
begging is the best;
For when a man is weary, then he may lay him down to rest.
Tell me, is it not a lord's life in summer to louse one under a hedge,
And then, leaving that game, may go clip and coll his Madge?
Or else may walk to take the wholesome air abroad for his delight,
When he may tumble on the grass, have sweet smells, and see
many a pretty sight?
Why, an emperor for all his wealth can have but his pleasure,
And surely I would not lose my charter of liberty for all
the king's treasure.

WILL.
Shall I tell thee, Tom Beggar, by the faith of a gentleman,
this ancient freedom I would not forego,
If I might have whole mines of money at my will to bestow.
Then, a man's mind should be troubled to keep that he had;
And you know it were not for me: it would make my valiant mind mad.
For now we neither pay Church-money, subsidies, fifteens, scot nor lot:
All the payings we pay is to pay the good ale-pot.

SIMPLICITY.
But, fellow beggars, you cosen me, and take away all the best meat,
And leave me nothing but brown bread or fin of fish to eat.
When you be at the alehouse, you drink up the strong ale,
and give me small beer:
You tell me 'tis better than the strong to make me sing clear.
Indeed, you know, with my singing I get twice so much as ye,
But, and you serve me so, you shall sing yourselves, and beg
alone for me.

TOM.
We stand prating here: come, let us go to the gate.
Mass, I am greatly afraid we are come somewhat too late.
Good gentle Master Porter, your reward do bestow
On a poor lame man, that hath but a pair of legs to go.

WILL.
For the honour of God, good Master Porter, give somewhat to the blind,
That the way to the alehouse in his sleep cannot find.

TOM.
For the good Lord's sake, take compassion on the poor.

_Enter_ FRAUD, _with a basket of meat on his arm_.

FRAUD.
How now, sirs! you are vengeance hasty: can ye not tarry,
But stand bawling so at my lady's door?
Here, take it amongst you; yet 'twere a good alms-deed to give
you nothing,
Because you were so hasty, and kept such a calling.

TOM.
I beseech ye not so, sir, for we were very hungry:
That made us so earnest, but we are sorry we troubled ye.

SIMPLICITY (_aside_).
Look how greedy they be, like dogs that fall a snatching.
You shall see that I shall have the greatest alms, because
I said nothing.
Fraud knows me, therefore he'll be my friend; I am sure of that.
They have nothing but lean beef, ye shall see I shall have a piece
that is fat.
Master Fraud, you have forgot me: pray ye, let me have my share.

FRAUD.
Faith, all is gone; thou com'st too late: thou seest to all
is given there.
By the faith of a gentleman, I have it not: I would I were able
to give thee more.

SIMPLICITY.
O sir, I saw your arms hang out of a stable-door.[219]

FRAUD.
Indeed, my arms are at the painter's; belike, lie hung them out to dry.
I pray thee, tell me what they were, if thou canst them descry.

SIMPLICITY.
Marry, there was never a scutcheon, but there was two trees rampant,
And then over them lay a sour tree passant,
With a man like you in a green field pendant,
Having a hempen halter about his neck, with a knot under the left ear,
because you are a younger brother.
Then, sir, there stands on each side, holding up the cres',
A worthy ostler's hand in a dish of grease.
Besides all this, on the helmet stands the hangman's hand,
Ready to turn the ladder, whereon your picture did stand:
Then under the helmet hung cables I like chains, and for what
they are I cannot devise,
Except it be to make you hang fast, that the crows might pick
out your eyes.

FRAUD.
What a swad is this? I had been better to have sent him to the back-door,
To have gotten some alms amongst the rest of the poor. [_Aside_.
Thou prat'st thou canst not tell what, or else art not well in thy wit:
I am sure my arms are not blas'd so far abroad as yet.

SIMPLICITY.
O yes, sir, your arms were known a great while ago,
For your elder brother Deceit did give those arms too.
Marry, the difference is all, which is the knot under the left ear.
The painter says, when he is hung, you may put out the knot without fear.
I am sure they were arms, for there was written in Roman letters
round about the hempen collar:
Given by the worthy valiant captain, Master Fraud, the ostler.
Now, God be wi' ye, sir; I'll get me even close to the back-door.
Farewell, Tom Beggar and Wily Will; I'll beg with you no more.
[_Exit_.

TOM.
O farewell, Simplicity: we are very loth to lose thy company.

FRAUD.
Now he is gone, give ear to me. You seem to be sound men in every
joint and limb,
And can ye live in this sort to go up and down the country a-begging?
O base minds! I trow I had rather hack it out by the highway-side,
Than such misery and penury still to abide.
Sirs, if you will be rul'd by me, and do what I shall say,
I'll bring ye where we shall have a notable fine prey.
It is so, sirs, that a merchant, one Mercatore, is coming from Turkey,
And it is my lady's pleasure that he robbed should be:
She hath sworn that we shall be all sharers alike,
And upon that willed me some such companions as you be to seek.

TOM.
O worthy Captain Fraud, you have won my noble heart:
You shall see how manfully I can play my part.
And here's Wily Will, as good a fellow as your heart can wish,
To go a-fishing with a crank through a window, or to set limetwigs
to catch a pan, pot or dish.

WILL.
He says true; for I tell you, I am one that will not give back
Not for a double shot out of a black Jack.
O sir, you bring us a-bed, when ye talk of this gear.
Come, shall we go, worthy Captain? I long, till we be there.

FRAUD.
Ay, let us about it, to provide our weapons ready,
And when the time serves, I myself will conduct ye.

TOM.
O, valiantly spoken! Come, Wily Will, two pots of ale we'll bestow
On our captain courageously for a parting blow.

[_Exeunt_.

_Enter the Judge of Turkey with_ GERONTUS _and_ MERCATORE.

[JUDGE.]
Sir Gerontus, because you are the plaintiff, you first your
mind shall say.
Declare the cause you did arrest this merchant yesterday.

GERONTUS.
Then, learned judge, attend. This Mercatore, whom you see in place,
Did borrow two thousand ducats of me but for a five weeks' space:
Then, sir, before the day came, by his flattery he obtained one
thousand more,
And promis'd me at two[221] months' end I should receive my store:
But before the time expired, he was closely fled away,
So that I never heard of him at least this two years' day,
Till at the last I met with him, and my money did demand,
Who sware to me at five days' end he would pay me out of hand.
The five days came, and three days more, then one day he requested:
I, perceiving that he flouted me, have got him thus arrested.
And now he comes in Turkish weeds to defeat me of my money,
But, I trow, he will not forsake his faith: I deem he hath more honesty.

JUDGE.
Sir Gerontus, you know, if any man forsake his faith, king, country,
and become a Mahomet,
All debts are paid: 'tis the law of our realm, and you may not
gainsay it.

GERONTUS.
Most true, reverend judge, we may not; nor I will not against our
laws grudge.

JUDGE.
Signor Mercatore, is this true that Gerontus doth tell?

MERCATORE.
My lord judge, de matter and de circumstance be true, me know well;
But me will be a Turk, and for dat cause me came here.

JUDGE.
Then, it is but folly to make many words.--Signor Mercatore, draw near:
Lay your hand upon this book, and say after me.

MERCATORE.
With a good will, my lord judge; me be all ready.

GERONTUS.
Not for any devotion, but for Lucre's sake of my money.

JUDGE. [MERCATORE _repeating after him_.]
Say: I, Mercatore, do utterly renounce before all the world my duty to
my Prince, my honour to my parents, and my good-will to my country.--
Furthermore, I protest and swear to be true to this country during life,
and thereupon I forsake my Christian faith----

GERONTUS.
Stay there, most puissant judge.--Signor Mercatore, consider what you do:
Pay me the principal; as for the interest, I forgive it you.
And yet the interest is allowed amongst you Christians, as well as
in Turkey:
Therefore, respect your faith, and do not seek[222] to deceive me.

MERCATORE.
No point da interest, no point da principal.[223]

GERONTUS.
Then pay me the one half, if you will not pay me all.

MERCATORE.
No point da half, no point denier: me will be a Turk, I say.
Me be weary of my Christ's religion, and for dat me come away.

GERONTUS.
Well, seeing it is so, I would be loth to hear the people say,
it was 'long of me
Thou forsakest thy faith: wherefore I forgive thee frank and free;
Protesting before the judge and all the world never to demand penny
nor halfpenny.

MERCATORE.
O sir Gerontus, me take a your proffer, and tank you most heartily.

JUDGE.
But, Signor Mercatore, I trow, ye will be a Turk for all this.

MERCATORE.
Signor, no: not for all da good in da world me forsake a my Christ.

JUDGE.
Why, then, it is as sir Gerontus said; you did more for the greediness
of the money
Than for any zeal or goodwill you bear to Turkey.

MERCATORE.
O sir, you make a great offence: You must not judge a my conscience.

JUDGE.
One may judge and speak truth, as appears by this;
Jews seek to excel in Christianity and Christians in Jewishness.
[_Exit_.

MERCATORE.
Vell, vell; but me tank you, Sir Gerontus, with all my very heart.

GERONTUS.
Much good may it do you, sir; I repent it not for my part.
But yet I would not have this bolden you to serve another so:
Seek to pay, and keep day with me, so a good name on you will go.
[_Exit_.

MERCATORE.
You say vel, sir; it does me good dat me have cosen'd de Jew.
Faith, I would my Lady Lucre de whole matter now knew:
What is dat me will not do for her sweet sake?
But now me will provide my journey toward England to take.
Me be a Turk? no: it will make my Lady Lucre to smile,
When she knows how me did da scal' Jew beguile.
[_Exit_.

_Enter_ LUCRE, _and_ LOVE _with a vizard, behind_.

LUCRE.
Mistress Love, I marvel not a little what coy conceit is crept
into your head,
That you seem so sad and sorrowful, since the time you first did wed.
Tell me, sweet wench, what thou ailest, and if I can ease thy grief,
I will be prest to pleasure thee in yielding of relief.
Sure, thou makest me for to think something has chanc'd amiss.
I pray thee, tell me what thou ailest, and what the matter is.

LOVE.
My grief, alas! I shame to show, because my bad intent
Hath brought on me a just reward and eke a strange event.
Shall I be counted Love? nay, rather lascivious Lust,
Because unto Dissimulation I did repose such trust.
But now I moan too late, and blush my hap to tell.
My head in monstrous sort, alas! doth more and more still swell.

LUCRE.
Is your head then swollen, good Mistress Love? I pray you let me see.
Of troth it is, behold a face that seems to smile on me:
It is fair and well-favoured, with a countenance smooth and good;
Wonder is the worst,[224] to see two faces in a hood.
Come, let's go, we'll find some sports to spurn away such toys.

LOVE.
Were it not for Lucre, sure, Love had lost all her joys.
[_Exeunt_.

_Enter_ SERVICEABLE DILIGENCE, _the Constable, and_ SIMPLICITY,
_with an Officer to whip him, or two, if you can_.

SIMPLICITY.
Why, but must I be whipp'd, Master Constable, indeed?
You may save your labour, for I have no need.

DILIGENCE.
I must needs see thee punished; there is no remedy,
Except thou wilt confess, and tell me,
Where thy fellows are become, that did the robbery.

SIMPLICITY.
Indeed, Master Constable, I do not know of their stealing,
For I did not see them, since we went together a-begging.
Therefore pray ye, sir, be miserable[225] to me, and let me go,
For I labour to get my living with begging, you know.

DILIGENCE.
Thou wast seen in their company a little before the deed was done;
Therefore it is most likely thou knowest where they are become.

SIMPLICITY.
Why, Master Constable, if a sheep go among wolves all day,
Shall the sheep be blam'd if they steal anything away?

DILIGENCE.
Ay, marry, shall he; for it is a great presumption
That, keeping them company, he is of like profession--
But despatch, sirs; strip him and whip him:
Stand not to reason the question.

SIMPLICITY.
Indeed, 'twas Fraud, so it was, it was not I;
And here he comes himself: ask him, if I lie.

_Enter_ FRAUD.

DILIGENCE.
What sayest thou, villain? I would advise thee hold thy tongue:
I know him to be a wealthy man and a burgess of the town.--
Sir, and it please your mastership, here one slanders you with felony:
He saith you were the chief doer of a robbery.

FRAUD.
What says the rascal? But you know,
It standeth not with my credit to brawl;
But, good Master Constable, for his slanderous report
Pay him double, and in a greater matter command me you shall.
[_Exit_.

SIMPLICITY.
Master Constable, must the countenance carry out the knave?
Why, then, if one will face folks out, some fine repariment he must have.

[BEADLE _put off his clothes_.

BEADLE.
Come, sir Jack-sauce, make quick despatch at once:
You shall see how finely we will fetch the skin from your bones.

SIMPLICITY
Nay, but tell me whether you be right-handed or no?

BEADLE.
What is that to thee? why wouldst thou so fain know?

SIMPLICITY.
Marry, if you should be both right-handed, the one would
hinder the other:
Then it would not[226] be done finely, according to order;
For if I be not whipp'd with credit, it is not worth a pin.
Therefore, I pray, Master Constable, let me be whipp'd upon my skin.

DILIGENCE.
Whereon dost thou think they would whip thee, I pray thee declare,
That thou puttest us in mind, and takest such great care?

SIMPLICITY.
I was afraid you would have worn out my clothes with whipping;
Then afterward, I should go naked a-begging.

BEADLE.
Have no doubt of that; we will favour thy clothes:
Thou shalt judge that thyself by fueling the blows.

[_Lead him once or twice about, whipping him, and so exit_.

_Enter_ JUDGE NEMO, _the_ CLERK _of the 'size, the_ CRIER, _and_
SERVICEABLE DILIGENCE: _the_ JUDGE _and_ CLERK _being set, the_
CRIER _shall sound three times_.

JUDGE.
Serviceable Diligence, bring hither such prisoners as are in custody.

DILIGENCE.
My diligence shall be applied very willingly.
Pleaseth it you, there are but three prisoners, so far as I know,
Which are Lucre and Conscience, with a deformed creature much like
Bifrons,[227] the base daughter of Juno.

JUDGE.
No! where is that wretch Dissimulation?

DILIGENCE.
He hath transformed himself after a strange fashion.

JUDGE.
Fraud! where is he become?

DILIGENCE.
He was seen in the streets, walking in a citizen's gown.

JUDGE.
What is become of Usury!

DILIGENCE.
He was seen at the Exchange very lately.

JUDGE.
Tell me, when have you heard of Simony?

DILIGENCE.
He was seen this day walking in Paul's, having conference and very
great familiarity with some of the clergy.

JUDGE.
Fetch Lucre and Conscience to the bar.

DILIGENCE.
Behold, worthy judge, here ready they are.

_Enter_ LUCRE _and_ CONSCIENCE.

JUDGE.
Stand forth. Diligence, divide them asunder.

CLERK.
Lucre, thou art indicted by the name of Lucre,
To have committed adultery with Mercatore the merchant and
Creticus the lawyer.
Thou art also indicted for the robbery of Mercatore:
Lastly and chiefly, for the consenting to the murder of Hospitality.
What sayest thou, art thou guilty or not in these causes?

LUCRE.
Not guilty. Where are mine accusers? they may shame to show their faces:
I warrant you, none comes, nor dare, to discredit my name.
In despite of the teeth of them that dare, I speak in disdain.

JUDGE.
Impudent! canst thou deny deeds so manifestly known?

LUCRE.
In denial stands trial: I shame not; let them be shown.
It grinds my gall they should slander me on this sort:
They are some old-cankered currish corrupt carls, that gave
me this report.
My soul craves revenge on such my secret[228] foes,
And revengement I will have, if body and soul I lose.

JUDGE.
Thy hateful heart declares thy wicked life:
In the abundance of thy abhomination all evils are rife,--
But what sayest thou, Conscience, to thy accusation,
That art accused to have been bawd unto Lucre, and spotted with
all abhomination?

CONSCIENCE.
What should I say; nay, what would I say in this our naughty living?

LUCRE.
Good Conscience, if thou love me, say nothing. [_Aside_.

CLERK.
Diligence, suffer her not to stand prating.
[_Let him put her aside_.

JUDGE.
What letter is that in thy bosom, Conscience?
Diligence, reach it hither. [_Make as though he[229] read it_.
Conscience, speak on; let me hear what thou canst say,
For I know in singleness thou wilt a truth bewray.

CONSCIENCE.
My good lord, I have no way to excuse myself:
She hath corrupted me by flattery and her accursed pelf.
What need further trial, sith I, Conscience, am a thousand witnesses?
I cannot choose but condemn us all in living amiss.
Such terror doth affright me, that living I wish to die:
I am afraid there is no spark left for me of God's mercy.

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