A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P R S T U V W X Z

A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Vol. VI

R >> Robert Dodsley >> A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Vol. VI




KNIGHT.
I tell you, neighbour, my great grandfather and all my predecessors
have been held in good regard for their good housekeeping; and (God
willing) their good names shall never take an exigent[302] in me, for
I will (God willing) keep such hospitality to my death, as my state
can maintain; and I will rather sell my land to maintain housekeeping,
than, keeping my land, make sale of my good name for housekeeping.
But, stay, who comes here?

_Enter two poor_ OLD MEN _and a_ BAILIFF.

ONE OLD MAN.
God save you, sir; I pray be good to me, for cham a poor man, and I
cannot tell what you will do, for you say my horse hath broken into
your corn, or your corn into my horse. But, indeed, my neighbour saw
your boy drive my horse into a field. But I'll stand to nothing, now
I am warn'd with a piece of paper and a little wax, to prepare to
proceed to London; and there I am invented, I cannot tell for what.
The bailiff here hath arrested me, ere I was weary,[303] against my
will; he said it was upon your suit, and yet he laid his hands on me;
nay, more, on my shoulder--

ANOTHER OLD [MAN.]
And, sir, and it may please you, I borrowed certain corn; and I brought
you your corn again, and yet you 'rrest me.

FARMER.
True, sir; but then was corn sold for four shillings a bushel, and now
'tis sold for two.

KNIGHT.
Ay, sir, but he borrowed corn, and promised
To pay you corn again, and you can have
But so much as you lent; for if
He should pay you at the rate you demand,
You would have for the twenty bushels you lent,
Forty, which were neither right nor conscience.

FARMER.
O sir, I pray let me alone with my conscience. You would have me give
all I have away to the poor, and want as you do. I pray, let me alone
to deal for myself. Hear you, have you 'rrested them?

BAILIFF.
I have, sir, as you commanded me.

FARMER.
Then to prison with them, till they have paid such damages, as the law
shall award them.

ONE POOR [MAN.]
Hear you, sir: if you should bid your boy break down a gap, and drive
in my horse, 'twere little better than plain knavery; for my horse is
as honest a horse as any is in this town.

ANOTHER.
Well, neighbour, we will have the horse examined
Before an officer, and my boy Jack shall write
What the horse speaks; and if the horse say a was driven
In against his will,
Then you may have the law of him, neighbour;
For all the horses in the parish will be sworn
For his horse. But I'll stand to nothing--

FARMER.
Well, to prison with them, till they have paid your due; away with them.

ONE POOR [MAN.]
Nay, I pray, be more miserable to me, and I will give you forty
shillings, when I have it.

FARMER
By the mass, the knave hath a pretty cottage:
I'll see, and I can get that. [_Aside_.] Sirrah,
You have an old cottage; if you will make
Me that over by deed of gift, I am content
To draw my action.

ANOTHER POOR MAN.
My house? why, 'tis my goods,
My wife, my land, my horse, my ass, or anything
That is his. No, you caterpillar, I will never make
Away my house; I will die first.

KNIGHT.[304]
But tell me, sir,
How much would you have of them for their trespass?

FARMER.
Marry, forty[305] shillings, and yet I befriend them.
Why, sir, I hope you will not pay it for them?

KNIGHT.
But I will. Sirrah, bailiff, I will answer
The poor men's debts, and come home to me for thy fee
Anon. Go, old men; get you home, and praise God.

ONE POOR [MAN.]
Marry, Jesus bless you. Neighbour, how many such
Good knights have you now-a-days?

ANOTHER.
Too few, neighbour; the more is the pity.
But come, lets away. [_Exeunt_.

KNIGHT.
But who comes here?

_Enter_ PERIN _and_ HONESTY.

PERIN.
God save you, gentlemen. The king greets you, and at this time
Having some occasion to use money, hath sent to know
What you that be knights and squires will lend his grace;
And you, Master Farmer: be brief, sir[s,] for I cannot stay.

KNIGHT.
Sir, though housekeeping be some hind'rance
to my willing mind, by reason that it robs me of
that, which should bewray my loving mind both
to my prince and country--money I mean, which
at this time I stand in some want of--yet of that
small store that I have, [I] am willing to impart the
lending of the king twenty pound; and more, I
assure you, I am not able.

PERIN.
Very well; and what say you, Master Squire?

SQUIRE.
I say that my revenues are but small,
Yet I will lend his majesty ten pound.

PERIN.
Very well; but what saith the Farmer?
What can he spare the king?

FARMER.
Marry, sir,
I am a poor farmer, and yet I can afford to lend
The king a hundred or two of pounds. And hear you, sir; [_Aside_.]
If you prefer a suit I have to the king,
I will give you forty angels for your pains:
Besides, I will give you the keeping of a dozen jades,
And now and then meat for you and your horse,
If you come to my house, and lie a whole year.

PERIN.
Why, that's well said, and I commend
Thy honest mind. Would all men were of thy mind:
I warrant thee, thou art an honest man,
And one that loves the king. But tell me,
What wouldst thou have me do?

FARMER.
Nothing, but procure me the king's letter to convey corn beyond seas;
for in England it is so good cheap, that a man can make no living by
selling thereof: therefore, if the king will grant me his letter, I
will at any time lend him five or six hundred pound, and perhaps never
ask it again; and I will not forget your pains.

PERIN.
Sir, fear not, I will do it for you, I warrant you;
For, I tell you, I can do much with the king.

HONESTY.
I believe you will do more than you will be
Commended for. The courtier resembleth
The jay, that decketh herself with the feathers
Of other birds, to make herself glorious;
So the courtier must be brave, though he be
Hang'd at the gallows. [_Aside_.

FARMER.
Well, sir, will it please you to come and dine
With me?

PERIN.
I thank you, sir, heartily.

FARMER.
But what's he there in your company?

PERIN.
A plain fellow, and his name is Honesty.

FARMER.
O, let him go where he will, for he shall
Not dine with me.

HONESTY.
See how the Farmer fears my name;
What would he do if he knew my nature?
But hear you, master courtier, shall I dine
With you? I promise you, sir, I am very hungry.

PERIN.
Truly, Honesty, if I were furnish'd with money,
I would not stick to give thee thy dinner;
But now, thou seest, I am but a guest myself.

FARMER.
Truly, honest fellow, if I were certain of my cheer, I would bid thee
to dinner, but know not my provision, I promise thee.

KNIGHT.
Hear you, sir; will it please you to take part of a piece of beef
with me? you shall be welcome.

PERIN.
I thank you, sir, but I must dine with my honest friend here, else
I would not refuse your gentle offer.

HONESTY.
See how he can use my name and not me:
But I perceive I may go dine with Duke Humphrey.[306]
God b'w'y', gentlemen; for none here hath occasion to use Honesty.

KNIGHT.
Yes, Honesty; thou shalt be my brother's guest and mine.

HONESTY.
Marry, and I thank you too; for now the world may say,
That Honesty dines with Hospitality to-day.

[_Exeunt_.

_Enter_ OSRICK _and_ ALFRIDA.

OSRICK.
Daughter, see that you entertain the earl
As best beseems his state and thy degree.
He comes to see, whether Fame have worthily
Been niggard in commending thee or no:
So shall thy virtues be admired at the court,
And thou be praised for kind and debonaire;
For courtesy contents a courtier oft,
When nothing else seems pleasant in his eyes.

ALFRIDA.
Father, you shall perceive that Alfrida
Will do her best in honouring of your age,
To entertain the Earl of Cornwall so,
That he shall think him highly favoured,
Through loving speech and courteous entertain.

_Enter_ ETHENWALD.

OSRICK.
How fares my Lord of Cornwall? What, displeased?
Or troubled with a mood that's malecontent?

ETHENWALD.
Not malecontent, and yet I am not well,
For I am troubled with a painful rheum,
That, when I would be merry, troubles me;
And commonly it holds me in my eyes,
With such extremes that I can scantly see.

OSRICK.
How long have you been troubled with the pain?
Or is it a pain that you have usual?
Or is it some water that, by taking cold,
Is fall'n into your eyes and troubles you?

ETHENWALD.
I cannot tell, but sure it pains me much.
Nor did it ever trouble me till now;
For till I came to lodge within your house,
My eyes were clear, and I never felt the pain.

OSRICK.
I am sorry that my house should cause your grief.
Daughter, if you have any skill at all,
I pray you, use your cunning with the earl,
And see if you can ease him of his pain.

ALFRIDA.
Father, such skill as I received of late,
By reading many pretty-penn'd receipts,
Both for the ache of head and pain of eyes,
I will, if so it please the earl to accept it,
Endeavour what I may to comfort him.
My lord, I have waters of approved worth,
And such as are not common to be found;
Any of which, if it please your honour use them,
I am in hope will help you to your sight.

ETHENWALD.
No, matchless Alfrida, they will do me no good,
For I am troubled only when I look.

ALFRIDA.
On what, my lord, or whom?

ETHENWALD.
I cannot tell.

ALFRIDA.
Why, let me see your eyes, my lord; look upon me.

ETHENWALD.
Then 'twill be worse.

ALFRIDA.
What, if you look on me? then, I'll be gone.

ETHENWALD.
Nay, stay, sweet love, stay, beauteous Alfrida,
And give the Earl of Cornwall leave to speak.
Know, Alfrida, thy beauty hath subdued,
And captivate the Earl of Cornwall's heart:
Briefly, I love thee, seem I ne'er so bold,
So rude and rashly to prefer my suit;
And if your father give but his consent,
Eased be that pain that troubles Ethenwald:
And, this considered. Osrick shall prove
My father and his daughter be my love.
Speak, Osrick, shall I have her, ay or no?

OSRICK.
My lord, with all my heart: you've my consent,
If so my daughter please to condescend.

ETHENWALD.
But what say'th Alfrida?

ALFRIDA.
I say, my lord, that seeing my father grants,
I will not gainsay what his age thinks meet:
I do appoint myself, my lord, at your dispose.

ETHENWALD.
Well, Osrick, now you see your daughter's mine;
But tell me when shall be the wedding-day?

OSRICK.
On Monday next; till then you are my guest.

ETHENWALD.
Well, Osrick, when our nuptial rites are past,
I must to court of business to the king.

ALFRIDA.
Let that be as you please, my lord; but stay
Not long, for I shall hardly brook your absence then.

ETHENWALD.
Fear not, Alfrida, I will not stay there long.
But come, let us in; Father, pray lead the way.

[_Exeunt_.

_Enter the_ KING _and_ DUNSTAN.

KING.
Tell me, Dunstan, what thinkest thou of the favours of kings?

DUNSTAN.
I think of kings' favours as of a marigold flower
That, as long as the sun shineth openeth her leaves
And with the least cloud closeth again:
Or like the violets in America, that in summe yield an odoriferous smell,
And in winter a most infectious savour:
For at every full sea they flourish, or at every dead ebb[307] they vade.
The fish palerna, being perfect white in the calm,
Yet turneth black with every storm.
Or like the trees in the deserts of Africa,
That flourish but while the south-west wind bloweth:
Even so, my lord, the favours of kings to them they favour;
For as their favours give life, so their frowns yield death.

KING.
Well said, Dunstan: but what merits he, that dissembles with his
sovereign?

DUNSTAN.
In my opinion, my lord, he merits death.

KING.
Then assure thyself, if Ethenwald dissemble, he shall die. But who
comes here? Perin, what news, that thou comest in such haste? and
what is he that bears thee company?

[_Enter_ PERIN _and the_ FARMER.]

PERIN.
It is, my gracious lord, an honest man, and one,
It seems, that loves your majesty; for as your grace
Gave me in charge, I went about into the country,
To see what sums of money I could make.
Among the chiefest of the commonalty:
And 'mongst the richest knights that I could find,
They would lend your grace at most but twenty pound,
And every squire would lend your grace but ten.
Then came I, 'mongst the rest, to this plain man,
And asked him what he would lend the king.
He answered, sir, you see I am but poor,
Not half so wealthy as a knight or squire,
And yet, in sign of duty to his grace,
I will lend his majesty two hundred pound.

KING.
Thanks, honest fellow, for thy love to us;
And if I may but pleasure thee in ought,
Command me to the uttermost I may.
England hath too few men of thy good mind.

_Enter_ HONESTY _and_ PIERS PLOWMAN.

Honesty, what news? where hast thou been so long?

HONESTY.
Ah, my lord, I have been searching for a privy knave;
One, my lord, that feeds upon the poor commons,
And makes poor Piers Plowman wear a thread-bare coat.
It is a farmer, my lord, which buys up all the corn in the market,
And sends it away beyond seas, and thereby feeds the enemy.

KING.
Alas, poor Piers Plowman! what ailest thou?
Why dost thou weep? Peace, man: if any have
Offended thee, thou shalt be made amends
Unto the most.

PIERS PLOWMAN.
I beseech your grace
To pity my distress. There is an unknown thief
That robs the commonwealth, and makes me and my
Poor wife and children beg for maintenance.
The time hath been, my lord, _in diebus illis_,
That the ploughman's coat was of good homespun russet cloth,
Whereof neither I nor my servants had no want,
Though now both they and I want,
And all by this unknown farmer;
For there cannot be an acre of ground to be sold,
But he will find money to buy it: nay, my lord,
He hath money to buy whole lordships, and yet but a farmer.
I have kept a poor house, where I dwell this fourscore year,
Yet was I never driven to want till now:
I beseech your grace, as you have still been just,
To seek redress for this oppression.
I beseech your grace, read my humble petition.
[_Delivers it to the_ KING.]

KING.
Let me see: The humble petition of poor Piers Plowman.
Alas, poor Piers! I have heard my father say,
That Piers Plowman was one of the best members in a commonwealth;
For his table was never empty of bread, beef, and beer,
As a help to all distressed travellers. But where thou tellest me
I harbour him, and he is daily under my elbow,
I assure thee, 'tis more than I know; for I harbour
None but this, which is my honest friend.

HONESTY.
Is this your honest friend? the devil a is. [_Aside_].
My lord, this is he: if you doubt my word to be true, call in Clerk
of the Assizes. Now shall your grace see, how Honesty can shake out
a knave in this company.

_Enter_ CLERK OF THE ASSIZE.

Sirrah, tell me who hath most poor men in suit at this Sizes?

CLERK.
That hath Walter Would-have-more:
He hath one poor man in suit for certain barley,
And another, for that his horse was taken in his corn.

HONESTY.
But what indictments are against him? read them.

CLERK. [_Read the indictment_.
First, he hath conveyed corn out of the land to feed the enemy. Next,
he hath turned poor Piers Plowman out of doors by his great raising of
rents. Next, he is known to be a common disturber of men of their quiet,
by serving writs on them, and bringing them to London, to their utter
undoing. Also, he keeps corn in his barn, and suffers his brethren and
neighbours to lie and want; and thereby makes the market so dear, that
the poor can buy no corn.

KING.
Enough! Now, fie upon thee, thou monster of nature,
To seek the utter undoing of many, to enrich thyself.--
Honesty, take him, and use him as thou wilt.

HONESTY.
Come, sir, I think I found out your knavery.
Away, sir, and bear your fellow company.

[_Exeunt omnes but the_ KING _and_ DUNSTAN.

_Enter_ ETHENWALD.

ETHENWALD.
Health and good hap befall your majesty.

KING.
Ethenwald, welcome; how fares our beauteous love?
Be brief, man: what, will she love or no?

ETHENWALD.
Then, as your grace did give to me in charge,
I have discharged my duty every way,
And communed with the maid you so commend:
For when the sun, rich father of the day,
Eye of the world, king of the spangled vale,
Had run the circuit of the horizon,
And that Artofelex, the night's bright star,
Had brought fair Luna from the purpled main,
Where she was dallying with her wanton love,
To lend her light to weary travellers,
Then 'twas my chance to arrive at Osrick's house:
But being late, I could not then unfold
The message that your grace had given in charge;
But in the morn Aurora did appear,
At sight of whom the welkin straight did clear.
Then was the spangled veil of heaven drawn in,
And Phoebus rose, like heaven's imperial king;
And ere the sun was mounted five degrees,
The maid came down, and gave me the good day.

KING.
But being come, what said she then?
How likest thou her? what, is she fair or no?

ETHENWALD.
My lord, she is coloured like the Scythia maid,[308]
That challenged Lucio at the Olympian games.
Well-bodied, but her face was something black,
Like those that follow household business:
Her eyes were hollow, sunk into her head,
Which makes her have a cloudy countenance.
She hath a pretty tongue, I must confess,
And yet, my lord, she is nothing eloquent.

KING.
Why then, my lord, there's nothing good in her.

ETHENWALD.
Yes, my lord, she is fit to serve an earl or so,
But far unfit for Edgar, England's king.

KING.
So then she is fit for Ethenwald, our Cornish earl,
But far unfit for Edgar, England's king.
Well, Ethenwald, I sound your policy:
But tell me, i'faith, dost thou love the maid?
Speak truly, man; dissemble not.

ETHENWALD.
I do, my gracious lord, and therewithal
Entreat your majesty to pardon me.

KING.
Ethenwald, I am content to pardon thee,
And will be with thee myself ere long,
To do thee honour in thy marriage:
And therefore, Ethenwald, thou may'st depart,
And leave us till we visit thee at home.

ETHENWALD.
My gracious lord, I humbly take my leave.

DUNSTAN.
If it please your grace, pardon me, and give me leave,
I would gladly bring my nephew on the way.

KING.
With all my heart, Dunstan; but stay not long.

ETHENWALD.
I humbly take my leave of your majesty.

[_Exeunt_ DUNSTAN _and_ ETHENWALD.

[_Enter_ PERIN.]

KING.
Farewell, Ethenwald. But, Perin, tell me now,
What dost thou think of Alfrida?
Is she so foul as Ethenwald reports her?
Believe me, then, she had been unfit for me.

PERIN.
My gracious lord, Ethenwald hath dissembled with your majesty,
For Alfrida is fair and virtuous;
For last night, being in private conference,
He told me he had devised a mean
To colour with the king by forg'd excuse.
No, no (quoth he), my Alfrida is fair,
As is the radiant North star crystalline,
That guides the wet and weary traveller,
Sous'd with the surge of Neptune's wat'ry main.
And thus, my lord, he fell to praising her,
And from his pocket straight he drew this counterfeit.[309]
And said 'twas made by[310] beauteous Alfrida.

KING.
A face more fair than is the sun's bright beams,
Or snow-white Alps beneath fair Cynthia!
Who would refuse with Hercules to spin,
When such fair faces bears us company?
Fair Polyxena never was so fair:
Nor she that was proud love to Troylus.
Great Alexander's love, Queen of Amazons,
Was not so fair as is fair Alfrida.
But, Perin, be thou secret to the king,
And I will sound these subtle practises.
And, Ethenwald, be sure I will quittance thee,
And teach thee how to dally with thy king.
But, Perin, let's to court until to-morn,
And then we'll take horse and away.

[_Exeunt_.

_Enter mad men of Gotham, to wit, a_ MILLER,
_a_ COBBLER, _and a_ SMITH.

MILLER.
Now, let us constult among ourselves,
How to misbehave ourselves to the king's worship,
Jesus bless him! and when he comes, to deliver him this petition,
I think the Smith were best to do it, for he's a wise man.

COBBLER.
Neighbour, he shall not do it, as long as Jeffrey the translater[311]
is Mayor of the town.

SMITH.
And why, I pray? because I would have put you from the Mace?

MILLER.
No, not for that, but because he is no good fellow;
Nor he will not spend his pot for company.

SMITH.
Why, sir, there was a god[312] of our occupation; and I charge you
by virtue of his godhead to let me deliver the petition.

COBBLER.
But soft, you: your god was a cuckold, and his godhead was the horn,
and that's the arms of the godhead you call upon. Go, you are put
down with your occupation; and now I will not grace you so much as
to deliver the petition for you.

SMITH.
What, dispraise our trade?

COBBLER.
Nay, neighbour, be not angry, for I'll stand to nothing only but this--

SMITH.
But what? bear witness a gives me the but, and I am not willing to
shoot. Cobbler, I will talk with you: nay, my bellows, my coal-trough,
and my water shall enter arms with you for our trade. O neighbour,
I cannot bear it, nor I will not bear it!

MILLER.
Hear you, neighbour; I pray consuade yourself and be not wilful, and
let the cobbler deliver it: you shall see him mar all.

SMITH.
At your request I will commit myself to you,
And lay myself open to you, like an oyster.

MILLER.
I'll tell him what you say. Hear you, neighbour, we have constulted to
let you deliver the petition: do it wisely, for the credit of the town.

COBBLER.
Let me alone, for the king's carminger[313] was here;
He says the king will be here anon.

SMITH.
But hark! by the mass, he comes.

_Enter the_ KING, DUNSTAN, _and_ PERIN.

KING.
How now, Perin; who have we here?

COBBLER.
We, the townsmen of Gotham,
Hearing your grace would come this way,
Did think it good for you to stay.--
But hear you, neighbours, bid somebody ring the bells.--
And we are come to you alone, to deliver our petition[314].

KING.
What is it, Perin? I pray thee, read.

PERIN.
Nothing but to have a license to brew strong ale thrice a week; and he
that comes to Gotham, and will not spend a penny on a pot of ale, if he
be a-dry, that he may fast.

KING.
Well, sirs, we grant your petition.

COBBLER.
We humbly thank your royal majesty.

KING.
Come, Dunstan; let's away.

[_Exeunt omnes_.

_Enter_ ETHENWALD _alone_.

ETHENWALD.
Ethenwald, be advised: the king has sent to thee;
Nay, more, he means to come and visit thee.
But why? Ay, there's the question.
Why, 'tis for this; to see if he can find
A front whereon to graft a pair of horns:
But in plain terms he comes to cuckold me.
And for he means to do it without suspect,
He sends me word he means to visit me.
The king is amorous, and my wife is kind,
So kind, I fear, that she will quickly yield
To any motion that the king shall make,
Especially if the motion be of love;
For Pliny writes, women are made like wax,
Apt to receive any impression,
Whose minds are like the Janamyst,
That eats, yet cries, and never is satisfied.
Well, be as it is, for I'll be sure of this,
It shall be no ways prejudice to me;
For I will set a screen before the fire,
And so prevent what otherwise would ensue.
'Twere good I questioned with my father first,
To hear how he['s] affected towards the king.
What ho!

_Enter_ OSRICK _and_ ALFRIDA.

OSRICK.
Ethenwald, my son, what news?

ETHENWALD.
Why ask you? I am sure you have heard the news.

OSRICK.
Not yet, I promise you, my lord.

ETHENWALD.
Why then 'tis thus: the king doth mean to come and visit you.

OSRICK.
And welcome shall his majesty be to me,
That in the wane of my decreasing years,
Vouchsafes this honour to Earl Osrick's house.

ETHENWALD.
So then you mean to entertain him well?

OSRICK.
What else, my son?

ETHENWALD.
Nay, as you will:
But hear you, wife: what do you think in this--
That Edgar means to come and be your guest?

ALFRIDA.
I think, my lord, he shall be welcome then,
And I hope that you will entertain him so,
That he may know how Osrick honours him.
And I will be attired in cloth of biss[315],
Beset with Orient pearl, fetch'd from rich India[316].
And all my chamber shall be richly [decked,]
With arras hanging, fetch'd from Alexandria.
Then will I have rich counterpoints and musk,
Calambac[317] and cassia, sweet-smelling amber-grease,
That he may say, Venus is come from heaven,
And left the gods to marry Ethenwald.

ETHENWALD.
'Swouns! they are both agreed to cuckold me. [_Aside_.
But hear you, wife; while I am master of the bark,
I mean to keep the helmster in my hand.
My meaning is, you shall be rul'd by me,
In being disguised, till the king be gone;
And thus it shall be, for I will have it so.
The king hath never seen thee, I am sure,
Nor shall he see thee now, if I can choose;
For thou shalt be attir'd in some base weeds,
And Kate the kitchen-maid shall put on thine:
For being richly tired, as she shall be,
She will serve the turn to keep him company.

OSRICK.
Why, men that hear of this will make a scorn of you.

ETHENWALD.
And he that lies with this will make a horn for me. [_Aside_.]
It is enough: it must be so.

ALFRIDA.
Methinks 'twere better otherways.

ETHENWALD.
I think not so. Will you be gone?--

[_Exit_ ALFRIDA.

Father, let me alone; I'll break her of her will.
We that are married to young wives, you see,
Must have a special care unto their honesty;
For should we suffer them to have their will,
They are apt, you know, to fall to any ill.
But here comes the king.

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