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Nightmare Abbey

T >> Thomas Love Peacock >> Nightmare Abbey





THE HONOURABLE MR LISTLESS

And have proved, I doubt not, 'palpable to feeling as to sight.'


MR FLOSKY

By no means, sir. You reflect upon my purity. Myself and my friends,
particularly my friend Mr Sackbut, are famous for our purity. No, sir,
genuine untangible ghosts. I live in a world of ghosts. I see a ghost
at this moment.


Mr Flosky fixed his eyes on a door at the farther end of the library.
The company looked in the same direction. The door silently opened,
and a ghastly figure, shrouded in white drapery, with the semblance
of a bloody turban on its head, entered and stalked slowly up the
apartment. Mr Flosky, familiar as he was with ghosts, was not prepared
for this apparition, and made the best of his way out at the opposite
door. Mrs Hilary and Marionetta followed, screaming. The Honourable Mr
Listless, by two turns of his body, rolled first off the sofa and
then under it. The Reverend Mr Larynx leaped up and fled with so much
precipitation, that he overturned the table on the foot of Mr Glowry.
Mr Glowry roared with pain hi the ear of Mr Toobad. Mr Toobad's alarm
so bewildered his senses, that, missing the door, he threw up one of
the windows, jumped out in his panic, and plunged over head and ears
in the moat. Mr Asterias and his son, who were on the watch for their
mermaid, were attracted by the splashing, threw a net over him, and
dragged him to land.

Scythrop and Mr Hilary meanwhile had hastened to his assistance, and,
on arriving at the edge of the moat, followed by several servants with
ropes and torches, found Mr Asterias and Aquarius busy in endeavouring
to extricate Mr Toobad from the net, who was entangled in the meshes,
and floundering with rage. Scythrop was lost in amazement; but Mr
Hilary saw, at one view, all the circumstances of the adventure, and
burst into an immoderate fit of laughter; on recovering from which, he
said to Mr Asterias, 'You have caught an odd fish, indeed.' Mr Toobad
was highly exasperated at this unseasonable pleasantry; but Mr Hilary
softened his anger, by producing a knife, and cutting the Gordian knot
of his reticular envelopment. 'You see,' said Mr Toobad, 'you see,
gentlemen, in my unfortunate person proof upon proof of the present
dominion of the devil in the affairs of this world; and I have no
doubt but that the apparition of this night was Apollyon himself in
disguise, sent for the express purpose of terrifying me into this
complication of misadventures. The devil is come among you, having
great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time.'

* * * * *




CHAPTER XIII


Mr Glowry was much surprised, on occasionally visiting Scythrop's
tower, to find the door always locked, and to be kept sometimes
waiting many minutes for admission: during which he invariably heard a
heavy rolling sound like that of a ponderous mangle, or of a waggon on
a weighing-bridge, or of theatrical thunder.

He took little notice of this for some time; at length his curiosity
was excited, and, one day, instead of knocking at the door, as usual,
the instant he reached it, he applied his ear to the key-hole, and
like Bottom, in the Midsummer Night's Dream, 'spied a voice,' which he
guessed to be of the feminine gender, and knew to be not Scythrop's,
whose deeper tones he distinguished at intervals. Having attempted in
vain to catch a syllable of the discourse, he knocked violently at
the door, and roared for immediate admission. The voices ceased, the
accustomed rolling sound was heard, the door opened, and Scythrop
was discovered alone. Mr Glowry looked round to every corner of the
apartment, and then said, 'Where is the lady?'

'The lady, sir?' said Scythrop.

'Yes, sir, the lady.'

'Sir, I do not understand you.'

'You don't, sir?'

'No, indeed, sir. There is no lady here.'

'But, sir, this is not the only apartment in the tower, and I make no
doubt there is a lady up stairs.'

'You are welcome to search, sir.'

'Yes, and while I am searching, she will slip out from some lurking
place, and make her escape.'

'You may lock this door, sir, and take the key with you.'

'But there is the terrace door: she has escaped by the terrace.'

'The terrace, sir, has no other outlet, and the walls are too high for
a lady to jump down.'

'Well, sir, give me the key.'

Mr Glowry took the key, searched every nook of the tower, and
returned.

'You are a fox, Scythrop; you are an exceedingly cunning fox, with
that demure visage of yours. What was that lumbering sound I heard
before you opened the door?'

'Sound, sir?'

'Yes, sir, sound.'

'My dear sir, I am not aware of any sound, except my great table,
which I moved on rising to let you in.'

'The table!--let me see that. No, sir; not a tenth part heavy enough,
not a tenth part.'

'But, sir, you do not consider the laws of acoustics: a whisper
becomes a peal of thunder in the focus of reverberation. Allow me to
explain this: sounds striking on concave surfaces are reflected from
them, and, after reflection, converge to points which are the foci of
these surfaces. It follows, therefore, that the ear may be so placed
in one, as that it shall hear a sound better than when situated nearer
to the point of the first impulse: again, in the case of two concave
surfaces placed opposite to each other--'

'Nonsense, sir. Don't tell me of foci. Pray, sir, will concave
surfaces produce two voices when nobody speaks? I heard two voices,
and one was feminine; feminine, sir: what say you to that?'

'Oh, sir, I perceive your mistake: I am writing a tragedy, and was
acting over a scene to myself. To convince you, I will give you a
specimen; but you must first understand the plot. It is a tragedy on
the German model. The Great Mogul is in exile, and has taken lodgings
at Kensington, with his only daughter, the Princess Rantrorina,
who takes in needlework, and keeps a day school. _The princess is
discovered hemming a set of shirts for the parson of the parish: they
are to be marked with a large R. Enter to her the Great Mogul. A
pause, during which they look at each other expressively. The
princess changes colour several times. The Mogul takes snuff in great
agitation. Several grains are heard to fall on the stage. His heart is
seen to beat through his upper benjamin._--THE MOGUL _(with a mournful
look at his left shoe_). 'My shoe-string is broken.'--THE PRINCESS
(_after an interval of melancholy reflection_). 'I know it.' THE
MOGUL. 'My second shoe-string! The first broke when I lost my empire:
the second has broken to-day. When will my poor heart break?'--THE
PRINCESS. 'Shoe-strings, hearts, and empires! Mysterious sympathy!'

'Nonsense, sir,' interrupted Mr Glowry. 'That is not at all like the
voice I heard.'

'But, sir,' said Scythrop, 'a key-hole may be so constructed as to act
like an acoustic tube, and an acoustic tube, sir, will modify sound in
a very remarkable manner. Consider the construction of the ear, and
the nature and causes of sound. The external part of the ear is a
cartilaginous funnel.'

'It wo'n't do, Scythrop. There is a girl concealed in this tower, and
find her I will. There are such things as sliding panels and secret
closets.'--He sounded round the room with his cane, but detected
no hollowness.--'I have heard, sir,' he continued, 'that during my
absence, two years ago, you had a dumb carpenter closeted with you
day after day. I did not dream that you were laying contrivances for
carrying on secret intrigues. Young men will have their way: I had my
way when I was a young man: but, sir, when your cousin Marionetta--'

Scythrop now saw that the affair was growing serious. To have clapped
his hand upon his father's mouth, to have entreated him to be silent,
would, in the first place, not have made him so; and, in the second,
would have shown a dread of being overheard by somebody. His only
resource, therefore, was to try to drown Mr Glowry's voice; and,
having no other subject, he continued his description of the ear,
raising his voice continually as Mr Glowry raised his.

'When your cousin Marionetta,' said Mr Glowry, 'whom you profess to
love--whom you profess to love, sir--'

'The internal canal of the ear,' said Scythrop, 'is partly bony and
partly cartilaginous. This internal canal is--'

'Is actually in the house, sir; and, when you are so shortly to be--as
I expect--'

'Closed at the further end by the _membrana tympani_--'

'Joined together in holy matrimony--'

'Under which is carried a branch of the fifth pair of nerves--'

'I say, sir, when you are so shortly to be married to your cousin
Marionetta--'

'The _cavitas tympani_--'

A loud noise was heard behind the book-case, which, to the
astonishment of Mr Glowry, opened in the middle, and the massy
compartments, with all their weight of books, receding from each other
in the manner of a theatrical scene, with a heavy rolling sound (which
Mr Glowry immediately recognised to be the same which had excited his
curiosity,) disclosed an interior apartment, in the entrance of
which stood the beautiful Stella, who, stepping forward, exclaimed,
'Married! Is he going to be married? The profligate!'

'Really, madam,' said Mr Glowry, 'I do not know what he is going to
do, or what I am going to do, or what any one is going to do; for all
this is incomprehensible.'

'I can explain it all,' said Scythrop, 'in a most satisfactory manner,
if you will but have the goodness to leave us alone.'

'Pray, sir, to which act of the tragedy of the Great Mogul does this
incident belong?'

'I entreat you, my dear sir, leave us alone.'

Stella threw herself into a chair, and burst into a tempest of tears.
Scythrop sat down by her, and took her hand. She snatched her hand
away, and turned her back upon him. He rose, sat down on the other
side, and took her other hand. She snatched it away, and turned from
him again. Scythrop continued entreating Mr Glowry to leave them
alone; but the old gentleman was obstinate, and would not go.

'I suppose, after all,' said Mr Glowry maliciously, 'it is only a
phænomenon in acoustics, and this young lady is a reflection of sound
from concave surfaces.'

Some one tapped at the door: Mr Glowry opened it, and Mr Hilary
entered. He had been seeking Mr Glowry, and had traced him to
Scythrop's tower. He stood a few moments in silent surprise, and then
addressed himself to Mr Glowry for an explanation.

'The explanation,' said Mr Glowry, 'is very satisfactory. The Great
Mogul has taken lodgings at Kensington, and the external part of the
ear is a cartilaginous funnel.'

'Mr Glowry, that is no explanation.'

'Mr Hilary, it is all I know about the matter.'

'Sir, this pleasantry is very unseasonable. I perceive that my niece
is sported with in a most unjustifiable manner, and I shall see if she
will be more successful in obtaining an intelligible answer.' And he
departed in search of Marionetta.

Scythrop was now in a hopeless predicament. Mr Hilary made a hue and
cry in the abbey, and summoned his wife and Marionetta to Scythrop's
apartment. The ladies, not knowing what was the matter, hastened in
great consternation. Mr Toobad saw them sweeping along the corridor,
and judging from their manner that the devil had manifested his wrath
in some new shape, followed from pure curiosity.

Scythrop meanwhile vainly endeavoured to get rid of Mr Glowry and
to pacify Stella. The latter attempted to escape from the tower,
declaring she would leave the abbey immediately, and he should never
see her or hear of her more. Scythrop held her hand and detained her
by force, till Mr Hilary reappeared with Mrs Hilary and Marionetta.
Marionetta, seeing Scythrop grasping the hand of a strange beauty,
fainted away in the arms of her aunt. Scythrop flew to her assistance;
and Stella with redoubled anger sprang towards the door, but was
intercepted in her intended flight by being caught in the arms of Mr
Toobad, who exclaimed--'Celinda!'

'Papa!' said the young lady disconsolately.

'The devil is come among you,' said Mr Toobad, 'how came my daughter
here?'

'Your daughter!' exclaimed Mr Glowry.

'Your daughter!' exclaimed Scythrop, and Mr and Mrs Hilary.

'Yes,' said Mr Toobad, 'my daughter Celinda.'

Marionetta opened her eyes and fixed them on Celinda; Celinda in
return fixed hers on Marionetta. They were at remote points of the
apartment. Scythrop was equidistant from both of them, central and
motionless, like Mahomet's coffin.

'Mr Glowry,' said Mr Toobad, 'can you tell by what means my daughter
came here?'

'I know no more,' said Mr Glowry, 'than the Great Mogul.'

'Mr Scythrop,' said Mr Toobad, 'how came my daughter here?'

'I did not know, sir, that the lady was your daughter.'

'But how came she here?'

'By spontaneous locomotion,' said Scythrop, sullenly.

'Celinda,' said Mr Toobad, 'what does all this mean?'

'I really do not know, sir.'

'This is most unaccountable. When I told you in London that I had
chosen a husband for you, you thought proper to run away from him; and
now, to all appearance, you have run away to him.'

'How, sir! was that your choice?'

'Precisely; and if he is yours too we shall be both of a mind, for the
first time in our lives.'

'He is not my choice, sir. This lady has a prior claim: I renounce
him.'

'And I renounce him,' said Marionetta.

Scythrop knew not what to do. He could not attempt to conciliate the
one without irreparably offending the other; and he was so fond of
both, that the idea of depriving himself for ever of the society
of either was intolerable to him: he therefore retreated into his
stronghold, mystery; maintained an impenetrable silence; and contented
himself with stealing occasionally a deprecating glance at each of the
objects of his idolatry. Mr Toobad and Mr Hilary, in the mean time,
were each insisting on an explanation from Mr Glowry, who they thought
had been playing a double game on this occasion. Mr Glowry was
vainly endeavouring to persuade them of his innocence in the whole
transaction. Mrs Hilary was endeavouring to mediate between her
husband and brother. The Honourable Mr Listless, the Reverend Mr
Larynx, Mr Flosky, Mr Asterias, and Aquarius, were attracted by the
tumult to the scene of action, and were appealed to severally and
conjointly by the respective disputants. Multitudinous questions, and
answers _en masse_, composed a _charivari_, to which the genius of
Rossini alone could have given a suitable accompaniment, and which
was only terminated by Mrs Hilary and Mr Toobad retreating with the
captive damsels. The whole party followed, with the exception of
Scythrop, who threw himself into his arm-chair, crossed his left
foot over his right knee, placed the hollow of his left hand on the
interior ancle of his left leg, rested his right elbow on the elbow
of the chair, placed the ball of his right thumb against his right
temple, curved the forefinger along the upper part of his forehead,
rested the point of the middle finger on the bridge of his nose, and
the points of the two others on the lower part of the palm, fixed his
eyes intently on the veins in the back of his left hand, and sat in
this position like the immoveable Theseus, who, as is well known to
many who have not been at college, and to some few who have, _sedet,
oeternumque sedebit_.[13] We hope the admirers of the _minutiæ_ in
poetry and romance will appreciate this accurate description of a
pensive attitude.

* * * * *




CHAPTER XIV


Scythrop was still in this position when Raven entered to announce
that dinner was on table.

'I cannot come,' said Scythrop.

Raven sighed. 'Something is the matter,' said Raven: 'but man is born
to trouble.'

'Leave me,' said Scythrop: 'go, and croak elsewhere.'

'Thus it is,' said Raven. 'Five-and-twenty years have I lived in
Nightmare Abbey, and now all the reward of my affection is--Go, and
croak elsewhere. I have danced you on my knee, and fed you with
marrow.'

'Good Raven,' said Scythrop, 'I entreat you to leave me.'

'Shall I bring your dinner here?' said Raven. 'A boiled fowl and
a glass of Madeira are prescribed by the faculty in cases of low
spirits. But you had better join the party: it is very much reduced
already.'

'Reduced! how?'

'The Honourable Mr Listless is gone. He declared that, what with
family quarrels in the morning, and ghosts at night, he could get
neither sleep nor peace; and that the agitation was too much for his
nerves: though Mr Glowry assured him that the ghost was only poor Crow
walking in his sleep, and that the shroud and bloody turban were a
sheet and a red nightcap.'

'Well, sir?'

'The Reverend Mr Larynx has been called off on duty, to marry or bury
(I don't know which) some unfortunate person or persons, at Claydyke:
but man is born to trouble!'

'Is that all?'

'No. Mr Toobad is gone too, and a strange lady with him.'

'Gone!'

'Gone. And Mr and Mrs Hilary, and Miss O'Carroll: they are all gone.
There is nobody left but Mr Asterias and his son, and they are going
to-night.'

'Then I have lost them both.'

'Won't you come to dinner?'

'No.'

'Shall I bring your dinner here?'

'Yes.'

'What will you have?'

'A pint of port and a pistol.'[14]

'A pistol!'

'And a pint of port. I will make my exit like Werter. Go. Stay. Did
Miss O'Carroll say any thing?'

'No.'

'Did Miss Toobad say any thing?'

'The strange lady? No.'

'Did either of them cry?'

'No.'

'What did they do?'

'Nothing.'

'What did Mr Toobad say?'

'He said, fifty times over, the devil was come among us.'

'And they are gone?'

'Yes; and the dinner is getting cold. There is a time for every
thing under the sun. You may as well dine first, and be miserable
afterwards.'

'True, Raven. There is something in that. I will take your advice:
therefore, bring me----'

'The port and the pistol?'

'No; the boiled fowl and Madeira.'

Scythrop had dined, and was sipping his Madeira alone, immersed in
melancholy musing, when Mr Glowry entered, followed by Raven, who,
having placed an additional glass and set a chair for Mr Glowry,
withdrew. Mr Glowry sat down opposite Scythrop. After a pause, during
which each filled and drank in silence, Mr Glowry said, 'So, sir,
you have played your cards well. I proposed Miss Toobad to you: you
refused her. Mr Toobad proposed you to her: she refused you. You fell
in love with Marionetta, and were going to poison yourself, because,
from pure fatherly regard to your temporal interests, I withheld my
consent. When, at length, I offered you my consent, you told me I was
too precipitate. And, after all, I find you and Miss Toobad living
together in the same tower, and behaving in every respect like two
plighted lovers. Now, sir, if there be any rational solution of all
this absurdity, I shall be very much obliged to you for a small
glimmering of information.'

'The solution, sir, is of little moment; but I will leave it in
writing for your satisfaction. The crisis of my fate is come: the
world is a stage, and my direction is _exit._'

'Do not talk so, sir;--do not talk so, Scythrop. What would you have?'

'I would have my love.'

'And pray, sir, who is your love?'

'Celinda--Marionetta--either--both.'

'Both! That may do very well in a German tragedy; and the Great Mogul
might have found it very feasible in his lodgings at Kensington; but
it will not do in Lincolnshire. Will you have Miss Toobad?'

'Yes.'

'And renounce Marionetta?'

'No.'

'But you must renounce one.'

'I cannot.'

'And you cannot have both. What is to be done?'

'I must shoot myself.'

'Don't talk so, Scythrop. Be rational, my dear Scythrop. Consider, and
make a cool, calm choice, and I will exert myself in your behalf.'

'Why should I choose, sir? Both have renounced _me_: I have no hope of
either.'

'Tell me which you will have, and I will plead your cause
irresistibly.'

'Well, sir,--I will have--no, sir, I cannot renounce either. I
cannot choose either. I am doomed to be the victim of eternal
disappointments; and I have no resource but a pistol.'

'Scythrop--Scythrop;--if one of them should come to you--what then?'

'That, sir, might alter the case: but that cannot be.'

'It can be, Scythrop; it will be: I promise you it will be. Have but a
little patience--but a week's patience; and it shall be.'

'A week, sir, is an age: but, to oblige you, as a last act of
filial duty, I will live another week. It is now Thursday evening,
twenty-five minutes past seven. At this hour and minute, on Thursday
next, love and fate shall smile on me, or I will drink my last pint of
port in this world.'

Mr Glowry ordered his travelling chariot, and departed from the abbey.

* * * * *




CHAPTER XV


The day after Mr Glowry's departure was one of incessant rain, and
Scythrop repented of the promise he had given. The next day was one of
bright sunshine: he sat on the terrace, read a tragedy of Sophocles,
and was not sorry, when Raven announced dinner, to find himself alive.
On the third evening, the wind blew, and the rain beat, and the owl
flapped against his windows; and he put a new flint in his pistol. On
the fourth day, the sun shone again; and he locked the pistol up in a
drawer, where he left it undisturbed, till the morning of the eventful
Thursday, when he ascended the turret with a telescope, and spied
anxiously along the road that crossed the fens from Claydyke: but
nothing appeared on it. He watched in this manner from ten A.M. till
Raven summoned him to dinner at five; when he stationed Crow at the
telescope, and descended to his own funeral-feast. He left open the
communications between the tower and turret, and called aloud at
intervals to Crow,--'Crow, Crow, is any thing coming?' Crow answered,
'The wind blows, and the windmills turn, but I see nothing coming;'
and, at every answer, Scythrop found the necessity of raising his
spirits with a bumper. After dinner, he gave Raven his watch to set by
the abbey clock. Raven brought it, Scythrop placed it on the table,
and Raven departed. Scythrop called again to Crow; and Crow, who had
fallen asleep, answered mechanically, 'I see nothing coming.' Scythrop
laid his pistol between his watch and his bottle. The hour-hand passed
the VII.--the minute-hand moved on;--it was within three minutes of
the appointed time. Scythrop called again to Crow: Crow answered as
before. Scythrop rang the bell: Raven appeared.

'Raven,' said Scythrop, 'the clock is too fast.'

'No, indeed,' said Raven, who knew nothing of Scythrop's intentions;
'if any thing, it is too slow.'

'Villain!' said Scythrop, pointing the pistol at him; 'it is too
fast.'

'Yes--yes--too fast, I meant,' said Raven, in manifest fear.

'How much too fast?' said Scythrop.

'As much as you please,' said Raven.

'How much, I say?' said Scythrop, pointing the pistol again.

'An hour, a full hour, sir,' said the terrified butler.

'Put back my watch,' said Scythrop.

Raven, with trembling hand, was putting back the watch, when the
rattle of wheels was heard in the court; and Scythrop, springing down
the stairs by three steps together, was at the door in sufficient time
to have handed either of the young ladies from the carriage, if she
had happened to be in it; but Mr Glowry was alone.

'I rejoice to see you,' said Mr Glowry; 'I was fearful of being too
late, for I waited till the last moment in the hope of accomplishing
my promise; but all my endeavours have been vain, as these letters
will show.'

Scythrop impatiently broke the seals. The contents were these:

Almost a stranger in England, I fled from parental tyranny,
and the dread of an arbitrary marriage, to the protection of a
stranger and a philosopher, whom I expected to find something
better than, or at least something different from, the rest of his
worthless species. Could I, after what has occurred, have
expected nothing more from you than the common-place impertinence
of sending your father to treat with me, and with mine, for me? I
should be a little moved in your favour, if I could believe you
capable of carrying into effect the resolutions which your father
says you have taken, in the event of my proving inflexible;
though I doubt not you will execute them, as far as relates to
the pint of wine, twice over, at least. I wish you much happiness
with Miss O'Carroll. I shall always cherish a grateful
recollection of Nightmare Abbey, for having been the means of
introducing me to a true transcendentalist; and, though he is a
little older than myself, which is all one in Germany, I shall
very soon have the pleasure of subscribing myself

CELINDA FLOSKY

I hope, my dear cousin, that you will not be angry with me,
but that you will always think of me as a sincere friend, who
will always feel interested in your welfare; I am sure you love
Miss Toobad much better than me, and I wish you much happiness
with her. Mr Listless assures me that people do not kill
themselves for love now-a-days, though it is still the fashion to
talk about it. I shall, in a very short time, change my name and
situation, and shall always be happy to see you in Berkeley
Square, when, to the unalterable designation of your affectionate
cousin, I shall subjoin the signature of

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