A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P R S T U V W X Z

The Adventures of Roderick Random

T >> Tobias Smollett >> The Adventures of Roderick Random




Dinner being ended, we came down stairs to the coffee room, and
Banter went away to keep an appointment, saying, he supposed he should
see Wagtail and me in the evening at the Bedford Coffee-house. He
was no sooner gone than the old gentleman took me aside, and said,
he was sorry to see me so intimate with that fellow, who was one of
the most graceless rakes about town, and had already wasted a good
estate and constitution upon harlots; that he had been the ruin
of many a young man, by introducing them into debauched company,
and setting a lewd example of all manner of wickedness; and that,
unless I were on my guard, he would strip me in a short time both
of my money and reputation. I thanked him for his information,
and promised to conduct myself accordingly, wishing, however, his
caution had been a few hours more early, by which means I might
have saved five guineas. Notwithstanding this intelligence, I was
inclinable to impute some part of the charge to Medlar's revenge
for the liberties taken with him at dinner; and therefore, as soon
as I could disengage myself, applied to Wagtail for his opinion
of the character in question, resolved to compare their accounts,
allowing for the prejudice of each, and to form my judgment upon
both, without adhering strictly to either. The doctor assured me,
that he was a very pretty gentleman of family and fortune; a scholar,
a wit, a critic, and perfectly well acquainted with the town; that
his honour and courage were unquestionable, though some extravagances
he had been guilty of, and his talents for satire had procured him
enemies, and made some people shy of his acquaintance. From these
different sketches, I concluded that Banter was a young fellow of
some parts, who had spent his fortune, but retained his appetites,
and fallen out with the world, because he could not enjoy it to
his wish.

I went to the Bedford Coffee-house in the evening, where I met my
friends, from thence proceeded to the play, and afterwards carried
them home to my lodgings, where we supped in great good humour.





CHAPTER XLIX




I receive a Challenge--the Consequence of it--the Quarrel being
made up, am put in Arrest by the Care and Affection of Strap--but
immediately released upon explaining my Affair--the Behaviour of
Mr. Oregan and his two Friends--I visit Melinda, whom I divert
with an account of the Duel--propose Marriage--she refers the Matter
to her Mother, of whom I make a solemn Demand of her Daughter--the
old Lady's behaviour--I am discarded---resent their Disdain


When I was ready to go abroad next day, Strap brought me a letter,
To Mr. Random, Esq., these; which, upon opening, I found contained
a challenge conceived in these very extraordinary terms:

"Sir,--Whereas I am informed that you make love to Miss Melinda
Goosetrap, this is to let you know that she is under promise of
marriage to me; and that I am at this present waiting at the back
of Montague House, with a pair of good pistols in my hand; and if
you will keep your appointment, I will make your tongue confess
(after the breath is out of your body) that you do not deserve her
so well as
Yours, etc. Rourk Oregan."

I guessed, from the style and superscription of this billet, that
my rival was a true Milesian, and was not a little uneasy at the
contents; especially that part, in which he asserted his right
to my mistress by promise, a circumstance I did not not know how
to reconcile to her good sense and penetration. However, this was
no time for me to decline the defiance, because the success of my
addresses in a great measure depended upon my behaviour in that
affair. I therefore immediately loaded my pistols, and betook myself
in a hackney coach to the place appointed, where I found a tall
raw-boned man, with a hard-featured countenance and black bushy beard,
walking by himself, wrapped up in a shabby green coat, over which
his own hair descended in leathern queue from his head, that was
covered with a greasy hat trimmed with a tarnished pointe d'Espagne.
He had no sooner perceived me advancing than he pulled a pistol
from his bosom, and, presenting it at me, snapped it without the
least preamble. Alarmed at this rude salutation, I made a stand,
and, before he could adjust his other piece, fired one of mine
at him, without doing any damage, By this time he was ready with
his second, that flashed in the pan without going off; upon which
he called, with a true Tipperary cadence, "Fire away, honey!" and
began to hammer his flint with great deliberation. But I was resolved
to make use of the advantage fortune had given me, and therefore
stepped up without throwing away my fire, desiring him to ask his
life, or prepare for another world; but this stout Hibernian refused
to condescend, and complained bitterly of my having quitted my
ground before he could return my shot: saying I ought to go back to
my station, and let him have an equal chance with me. I endeavoured
to persuade him that I had given him a double chance already: and
it was my business to prevent him from enjoying a third; but now,
since I had an opportunity, I demanded a parley, and desired to
know his condition and reason for calling me to the field, who, to
the best of my remembrance, far from having done him any injury,
had never before seen him. He told me that he was a gentleman of
fortune, who had spent all he had, and, hearing that Melinda had
got ten thousand pounds, he intended to make himself master of that
sum by espousing her, and he was determined, in an honourable way,
to cut the throats of all those who stood between him and his hopes.

I then demanded to know the foundation of his hopes; and now that
I had seen him, being more and more astonished at the circumstance
of the promise, desired that he would explain that mystery. He
gave me to understand, that he trusted entirely to his birth and
personal merit; that he had frequently written to Melinda, setting
forth his claim and pretensions, but she was never kind enough to
send an answer, or even to admit him into her presence; and that
the promise he mentioned in his letter was made by his friend Mr.
Gahagan, who assured him that no woman could resist a man of his
appearance. I could not forbear laughing to excess at the simplicity
of my rival, who did not seem to relish my mirth, but began to be
very serious: upon which I endeavoured to appease him, by giving
him my word and honour that, far from prejudicing his addresses
to the lady, I would represent him to her in the most favourable
light I could with any regard to truth; but he must not be surprised
if she should remain blind to his deserts, for nothing was more
capricious than a woman's mind, and the affection of that sex was
seldom purchased with virtue alone. That my declaration might have
the better effect, I took notice of his deshabille, and, professing
sorrow at seeing a gentleman reduced, slipped two guineas into his
hand, at sight of which he threw away his pistols, and hugging me
in his arms, cried, "Arrah, by Jasus, now, you are the best friend
I have met with these seven long years!" When I had suffered some
minutes in his embrace, he quitted me, and picking up his rusty
arms, wished the devil might burn him if ever he should give me
any further trouble about womankind.

The quarrel being thus amicably composed, I begged leave to look
at his pistols, which I found so crazy and so foul, that I believe
it was happy for him neither of them was discharged, for one of them
would certainly have split in the going off, and he would, in all
probability, have lost his hand in the explosion; but what gave me
a lively idea of the man's character was, to find, upon examination,
that one of them had been loaded without being primed, and the
other primed without a charge.

While we walked home together, I expressed a desire of knowing my
new friend's history; and he informed me of his having served in the
German army as a volunteer against the Turks; that for his behaviour
at the siege of Belgrade, he had been honoured with an ensign's
commission, and afterwards promoted to the rank of lieutenant, in
which station it was his misfortune to affront his captain, who
challenged him to the field, and was killed in the duel, upon which
he was obliged to retreat; that he had been in England some years
soliciting his friends for provision in the British army; but
being hitherto unsuccessful, was desired by Mr. Gahagan to turn
his thoughts to matrimony, and make his fortune by an advantageous
match; in consequence of which advice, he had made up to Melinda:
and, having heard by means of an Irish footman in the family, that
I was her chief favourite, had called me out in hopes of removing
by my death the greatest obstruction to his desires; but now he
was convinced of my honour and generosity, he swore by the blessed
Virgin, he would think of her no more, if there were not another
woman in the world. As a further proof of his veracity, which I
did not at all doubt, he opened an old iron snuff-box, and pulled
out his commission in the Imperial army, and his captain's challenge,
which he preserved as testimonials of his character. I was so well
convinced of this poor man's honesty and courage, that I determined
to speak in his behalf to some of my acquaintance, who might recommend
his case to the consideration of those who could provide for him;
and in the meantime to accommodate him with a few clothes, by which
his appearance would be much mended, and himself enabled to renew
his solicitations in person.

As we walked along conversing socially together, we were met by a
file of musketeers, and Strap at their head, who no sooner approached
than, with a frantic look, he cried, "Seize them! In the name of
God seize them!" We were accordingly surrounded, and I put in arrest
by the corporal, who was commanding officer; but Captain Oregan
disengaged himself, and ran with such speed towards Tottenham Court
Road that he was out of sight in a moment. When my arms were delivered
up, and myself secured, Strap became a little more composed, and
asked pardon for the liberty he had taken, which he hoped I would
excuse, as it proceeded from his affection. He then told me that,
suspecting the letter (which by the by was brought by the author
himself) contained something extraordinary, he had peeped through
the keyhole, and seen me load my pistols; upon which he ran down
to Whitehall, and applied to the officer on guard for a party to
put me in arrest, but before he returned, I was gone in a coach;
that he had inquired which way I went, and, having heard that duels
were commonly fought at the back of Montague House, he conducted
the guard to this place, where he thanked God for having found me
safe and sound. I gave him to understand that I forgave his officious
concern for once, but cautioned him in pretty severe terms for
making me the subject of idle conversation for the future; then
turning to the corporal, thanked him for his care, and gave him a
crown to drink with his men, assuring him that the rencontre was
over long before he came up, and everything compromised, as he
might have observed by our behaviour; as a farther proof of which,
he would find upon examination that one of my pistols had been
discharged: but this civil person, without giving himself or me
any farther trouble, received the bounty with a thousand bows and
acknowledgments, and, returning the pistols, released me immediately.

He was not gone a hundred yards, when my friend Oregan came up in
order to rescue me, with two tatterdemalions, whom he had engaged
for that purpose about the purlieus of St. Giles's. One of them was
armed with a musket that wanted a lock, and another with a rusty
broadsword, but their dress surpassed all description. When he understood
I was already free. he made an apology for his abrupt departure,
and introduced me to his two companions: First, to Counsellor
Fitzclabber, who, he told me, was then employed in compiling a
history of the kings of Minster, from Irish manuscripts; and then
to his friend Mr. Gahagan, who was a profound philosopher and
politician, and had projected many excellent schemes for the good
of his country. But it seems these literati had been very ill
rewarded for their ingenious labours; for, between them both, there
was but one shirt, and half a pair of breeches. I thanked them
very kindly for their readiness to assist me, and, having offered
my service in my turn, bade them good morrow, desiring Oregan to
accompany me to my lodgings, where he was fitted with decent clothes
from my wardrobe, so much to his satisfaction, that he swore eternal
gratitude and friendship to me, and, at my request, recounted all
the adventures of his life.

In the afternoon, I waited on Melinda, who received me with great
kindness and familiarity, and laughed excessively at my adventure
with the Irishman, to whose wishes she was no stranger, having
more than a dozen letters in her possession, which he had written
to her on the subject of love, and which, for my entertainment, she
submitted to my perusal. Having made ourselves merry at the expense
of this poor admirer, I seized the opportunity of her mother's going
out of the room, and introduced my own passion, which I recommended
to her with all the ardour and eloquence I was master of. I flattered,
sighed, swore, entreated, and acted a thousand extravagancies,
in hopes of making some impression on her heart; but she heard
everything I said without discovering the least emotion; and other
company came in before she would vouchsafe one serious reply. After
tea, the cards were brought in according to custom, and it was my
good fortune to have Melinda for my partner; by which means, instead
of losing, I came off with five guineas clear gain.

I soon became acquainted with a good many people of fashion, and
spent my time in the modish diversions of the town, such as plays,
operas, masquerades, drums, assemblies, and muppet-shows; chiefly
in company with Melinda, whom I cultivated with all the eagerness
and address that my prospect could inspire, and my education afford.
I spared neither my person nor my purse to gratify her vanity and
pride; my rivals were intimidated, and indeed outshone; and, after
all, I began to fear that the dear creature had not a heart to
lose.

At last, finding myself unable to support the expense of this amour
much longer, I was determined to bring the matter to a crisis; and
one evening, while we were together by ourselves, complained of
her indifference, described the tortures of suspense to a love-sick
mind, and pressed her to disclose her sentiments of matrimony and
me with such earnestness, that she could not, with all her art,
shift the subject, but was obliged to come to an eclaircissement.
She told me, with a careless air, that she had no objection to my
person, and if I could satisfy her mother in other particulars, I
should not find her averse to the match; but she was resolved to do
nothing in such a momentous concern without the advice and consent
of her parent. This was no very agreeable declaration to me, whose
aim had been to win her inclination first, and then secure my
conquest by a private marriage, to which I flattered myself she
would express no reluctance. That I might not, however, desert my
cause before it was desperate, I waited on her mother; and, with
great formality, demanded the daughter in marriage. The good lady,
who was a very notable woman, behaved with great state and civility;
thanked me for the honour I intended her family; and said, she
did not doubt that I was in all respects qualified to make a woman
happy; but it concerned her as a parent anxious about the welfare
of her child, to inquire into the particulars of my fortune, and
know what settlement I proposed to make. To this intimation, which
would have utterly disconcerted me if I had not expected it, I
replied, without hesitation that, though my fortune was very small, I
was a gentleman by birth and education, would maintain her daughter
in the sphere of a gentlewoman, and settle her own dowry on her and
her heirs for ever. This careful matron did not seem to relish my
proposal, but observed, w h a demure countenance, that there was
no necessity for settling that upon her child which was her own
already; however, if I pleased, her lawyer should confer with mine
upon the matter; and, in the meantime, she desired I would favour
her with a perusal of my rent-roll. Notwithstanding the vexation
I was under, I could scarce forbear laughing in her face at the
mention of my rent-roll, which was indeed a severe piece of satire
upon my pretensions. I frankly owned I had no landed estate; and
told her that I could not exactly specify the sum I was master of,
until I had regulated my affairs, which were at present in some
disorder; but that I would take an opportunity of satisfying her
on that head very soon.

It was not long before I took my leave, and returned to my lodgings
in a very melancholy mood, persuaded that I had nothing more
to expect from that quarter. I was confirmed in this opinion next
day, when I went back with a view of explaining myself more fully
to the old gentlewoman; and was told by the footman that his ladies
were not at home, although I had seen Melinda through the blinds
at a parlour window, as I went up to the door. Incensed at this
affront, I quitted the door without saying one word, and as I
repassed the parlour, bowed to Miss, who still remained in the same
situation, securely screened, as she thought, from my view.

This disappointment gave me more uneasiness on Strap's account
than my own, for I was in no danger of dying for love of Melinda;
on the contrary, the remembrance of my charming Narcissa was a
continual check upon my conscience during the whole course of my
addresses; and perhaps contributed to the bad success of my scheme,
by controlling my raptures and condemning my design.

There was a necessity for informing my companion of everything that
happened to me and I performed this piece of duty in an affected
passion, swearing I would be his pack-horse no longer, and desiring
him to take the management of his affairs into his own hands. This
finesse had the desired effect, for, instead of grumbling over my
miscarriage, Strap was frightened at the passion I feigned, and
begged me, for the love of God, to be appeased; observing that,
although we had suffered a great loss, it was not irreparable;
and if Fortune frowned to day, she might perhaps smile to-morrow.
I pretended to acquiesce in his remarks, praise his equanimity, and
promised to improve my misfortune. He, on the other hand, pretended
to be perfectly well satisfied with my conduct, and conjured me
to follow the dictates of my own reflection; but, in spite of all
his affectation, I could perceive his inward affliction, and his
visage sensibly increased in longitude from that day.





CHAPTER L




I long to be revenged on Melinda--apply to Banter for his Assistance--he
contrives a scheme for that purpose--which is put in Execution with
great Success--I make an Attempt upon the Heart of Miss Gripewell,
but am disappointed--grow melancholy at my Disappointment, and have
recourse to the Bottle--receive a Billet-doux--am ravished with
the Contents--find myself involved in Intrigue, which I imagined
would make my Fortune--am confounded at my mistake, which banishes
all Thoughts of Matrimony


In the meantime, my attention was wholly engrossed in search of
another mistress, and the desire of being revenged on Melinda, in
both which schemes I was very much assisted by Billy Chatter, who
was such a necessary creature among the ladies, that in all private
dances he engaged the men. To him therefore I applied, desiring
he would introduce me to a partner of some figure, at the next
private assembly, for the sake of a frolic, the intention of which
I would afterwards communicate. Billy, who had heard something of
a difference between Melinda and me, immediately smoked part of my
design, and, thinking I only wanted to alarm her jealousy a little,
promised to gratify my desire, by matching me with a partner worth
thirty thousand pounds, whom the ladies of this end of the town had
lately taken under their management and protection. Upon further
inquiry, I found this person's name was Miss Biddy Gripewell; that
her father, who had been a pawnbroker, died intestate, by which
means all his substance descended to his daughter, who was so
little a favourite that, could the old man have prevailed with his
own rapacious disposition to part with as much money as would have
paid the expense of a will, she would not have inherited the sixth
part of his fortune; that during his life, far from being educated
in a way suitable to such great expectations, she was obliged to
live like a servant wench, and do the most menial offices in the
family. But his funeral was no sooner performed, than she assumed
the fine lady, and found so many people of both sexes to flatter,
caress, and instruct her, that, for want of discretion and experience,
she was grown insufferably vain and arrogant, and pretended to no
less than a duke or earl at least for her husband; that she had the
misfortune to be neglected by the English quality, but a certain
poor Scottish lord was then making interest to be introduced to
her acquaintance. In the meantime, she was fallen into the hands
of a notable lady, who had already disposed of her to a lieutenant
of foot, a distant relation of her ladyship's, though Miss as yet
knew nothing of the affair; and lastly that if I proposed to dance
with her, I must give him leave to represent me as a knight, or
foreign count at least. I was ravished at this piece of information,
and consented for one night, to personate a French marquis, that
I might the easier fulfil my revenge.

Having made the appointment with Chatter I went to Banter's lodgings,
as I had by this time conceived a great opinion of his penetration
and knowledge; and, after I had enjoined secrecy, told him every
circumstance of my disgrace with Melinda, and imparted the plan I
had projected to mortify that proud coquette, desiring his advice
in proving, and assistance in executing the scheme. Nothing could
be more agreeable to his misanthropical temper than an account
of her behaviour and my resentment: he applauded my resolution,
and proposed that I should not only provide myself with a proper
partner, but also procure such a one for Miss Goosetrap, as should
infallibly entail upon her the ridicule of all her acquaintance. For
this purpose he mentioned his barber who he said, was an exceeding
coxcomb lately come from Paris, whose absurd affectation and
grimace, would easily pass upon her for the sprightly politesse
of a gentleman improved by travel. I hugged him for this hint; and
he assured me it would be no difficult matter to make him believe,
that Melinda, having seen him by accident, was captivated by his
appearance, and begged for his acquaintance. He actually engaged him
on this pretence, and painted his good fortune in such colours that
the poor shaver was quite beside himself with joy. He was immediately
fitted with a tawdry suit of clothes belonging to Banter, and by
him recommended to Chatter as a very pretty fellow, just returned
from his travels. Master Billy, who acted as a gentleman usher to
a great many of the fair sex in and about town, undertook at once
to bespeak Melinda in his behalf; and everything happened according
to my wish.

At the time appointed I appeared dressed to the best advantage;
and, in the character of a Marquis, bad the honour of opening the
ball with the rich heiress, who attracted the eyes of the whole
company by the prodigious number of jewels with which she was adorned.
Among others I perceived Melinda, who could not more conceal her
envy than astonishment at my success; her curiosity was still more
flagrant and tormenting, for she had never seen Miss Gripewell
before; and Chatter, who alone could give her any satisfaction
on that head, was engaged in conversation at the other end of the
room. I observed her impatience, and exulted in her chagrin; and
after my partner was set, took the opportunity of passing by her
to make a slight bow without stopping, which completed my triumph
and her indignation. She changed colour, bridled up, assumed an
air of disdain, and flirted her fan with such a fury, that it went
to pieces in a moment, to the no small entertainment of those who
sat near and observed her.

At length the metamorphosed barber took her out, and acted his
part with such ridiculous extravagance that the mirth of the whole
company was excited at his expense, and his partner was so much
ashamed that, before the country dances began, she retired in
great confusion, under pretence of being taken suddenly ill, and
was followed by her gallant, who no doubt imagined her indisposition
was nothing but love; and laid hold of the occasion of conducting
her home, to comfort her, with an assurance of his entertaining a
reciprocal passion. They were no sooner gone than an inquisitive
whisper of "Who is he?" ran round the room; and Chatter could give
them no other intelligence about him than that he was a man of
fortune just returned from his travels. I, who alone was acquainted
with his real quality, affected ignorance well knowing that female
curiosity would not rest satisfied with such a general account, and
that the discovery would proceed with a better grace from anybody
than me.

Copyright (c) 2007. famouswriterz.com. All rights reserved.