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The Adventures of Roderick Random

T >> Tobias Smollett >> The Adventures of Roderick Random




Meanwhile, I was tempted by the richness of the prize to practise
upon Miss Gripewell's heart, but soon found it too well fortified
with pride and indifference to yield to any efforts in my own
character, and I neither would nor could preserve the title I had
borrowed longer than that night.

As I expected, everything came to light next day. The barber, in
pure simplicity of heart, detected himself to Melinda, and discovered
the foundation of his hopes; she sickened at the affront, and
was ashamed to show her face in public for many weeks after this
accident. Poor Chatter found it impossible to justify himself to
her satisfaction; was in utter disgrace with Miss Gripewell, for
having imposed me upon her as a nobleman; and suffered very much
in his character and influence among the ladies in general.

Finding my finances diminished more than one-half, and my project
as little advanced as on the first day of my arrival in town, I
began to despair of my success, and grew melancholy at the prospect
of approaching want. To dispel the horrors of this fiend I had
recourse to the bottle, and kept more company than ever. I became
particularly attached to the playhouse, conversed with the actors
behind the scenes, grew acquainted with a body of templars, and in
a short time commenced a professed wit and critic. Indeed, I may
say, without vanity, that I was much better qualified than any one
of my companions, who were, generally speaking, of all the creatures
I ever conversed with, the most ignorant and assuming. By means of
these avocations I got the better of care, and learned to separate
my ideas in such a manner that, whenever I was attacked by a gloomy
reflection, I could shove it aside, and call in some agreeable
reverie to my assistance. This was not the case with Strap, who
practised a thousand shifts to conceal the sorrow that preyed upon
his carcass, and reduced him to the resemblance of a mere skeleton.

While I thus posted, in a thoughtless manner, towards poverty, I one
day received, by the penny post, a letter written in a woman's hand,
containing a great many high-flown compliments, warm protestations
of love, couched in a very poetical style, an earnest desire of
knowing whether or not my heart was engaged, by leaving an answer
at a certain place, directed to R. B., and the whole subscribed "Your
incognita." I was transported with joy on reading the contents of
this billet-doux, which I admired as a masterpiece of tenderness
and elegance, and was already up to my ears in love with the author,
whom my imagination represented as a lady of fortune, in the bloom
of youth and beauty. Elevated with this conjecture, I went to work,
and exhausted my invention in composing an answer suitable to the
sublimity of her style and the ardour of her sentiments. I expressed
my admiration of her wit in terms the most hyperbolical, and while
I acknowledged myself unworthy of her regard, declared myself enamoured
of her understanding; and in the most pathetic manner implored
the honour of an interview. Having finished this performance, and
communicated it to Strap, who skipped about for joy, I dispatched
him with it to the place appointed, which was the house of a milliner
not far from Bond Street, and desired him to keep watch near the
door for some time, that he might discover the person who should call
for it. In less than an hour he returned with a joyful countenance,
and told me that, soon after he had delivered the letter, a chairman
was called, to whom it was given, with directions to carry it to the
house of a rich gentleman in the neighbourhood, whither he (Strap)
followed him, and saw him put it into the hands of a waiting-woman,
who paid the messenger, and shut the door; that, upon inquiry at an
alehouse hard by, where he called for a pint of beer, he understood
the gentleman to whom the house belonged had an only daughter, very
handsome, who would inherit his whole estate; and who certainly was
the author of the billet I had received. I was of the same opinion,
and, hugging myself in the happy prospect, dressed immediately, and
passed in great state the house that contained my unknown admirer.
Nor was my vanity disappointed; for I perceived a beautiful young
creature standing at one of the windows of the dining-room, who, I
imagined, observed me with more than common curiosity. That I might
indulge her view, and at the same time feast my own, I affected to
stop, and gave orders to Strap, in the street, just opposite to
her station, by which means I had an opportunity of seeing her more
distinctly, and of congratulating myself on having made a conquest
of so much perfection. In a few moments she retired, and I betook
myself to the ordinary in a rapture of hope, which deprived me
of my appetite for that meal, and sent me home in the evening to
indulge my contemplation.

Early next day, I was favoured with another epistle from my unknown
admirer, signifying her unutterable joy at the receipt of mine,
which, while it made a tender of my heart, convinced her of the
value of it. Above all things, she professed her extreme pleasure
in finding me so much attached to her understanding, a circumstance
that not only flattered her in the most sensible part, but at the
same time argued my own sagacity. As for the interview I desired,
she assured me, that I could not be more eager for such an occasion
than she; but she must not only sacrifice little more to decorum,
but be satisfied of my honourable intentions, before she could grant
that request. Meanwhile she gave me to understand that, although
she might owe some deference to the opinion of certain persons, she
was resolved, in an affair that so nearly concerned her happiness,
to consult her own inclination, preferable to the advice of the
whole world; especially as she was urged to such condescension
by no consideration of fortune, what she depended upon being her
own without restriction or control. Struck with admiration at the
philosophy and self-denial of my mistress, who seemed insensible
of the beauty she possessed, and in particular ravished with that
piece of intelligence by which I learned her fortune was independent;
I resumed the pen, launched out into encomiums on the dignity of her
sentiments, affected to undervalue the charms of external beauty,
pretended to ground my passion on the qualities of her mind, complained
of her rigour in sacrificing my repose to an overscrupulous regard
to decorum, and declared the purity of my designs in the most solemn
and pathetic vows. This performance being sealed and directed, was
sent to the place appointed by Strap, who, that we might be still
the more confirmed in our belief, renewed his watch, and in a
little time brought back the same information as before, with this
addition, that Miss Sparkle (the name of my correspondent), looking
out at the window, no sooner saw the messenger arrive. than she
shut the casement in a sort of beautiful confusion, and disappeared,
eager no doubt to hear from the dear object of her love.

My doubts now vanished, the long-expected port appeared, and I
looked upon myself as perfectly secure of that happiness I had been
in quest of so long. After dinner, I sauntered in company with Dr.
Wagtail, to that part of the town in which my inamorata lived; and,
as he was a mere register, inquired of him into the name, character,
and fortune of everybody who possessed a good house in the streets
through which we passed. When it came to his turn to mention Sir
John Sparkle, he represented him as a man of an immense estate
and narrow disposition, who mewed up his only child, a fine young
lady, from the conversation of mankind, under the strict watch and
inspection of an old governante, who was either so honest, envious,
or insatiable, that nobody had been as yet able to make her a friend,
or get access to her charge, though numbers attempted it every day;
not so much on account of her expectations from her father, who,
being a widower, might marry again and have sons, as for a fortune
of twelve thousand pounds left her by an uncle, of which she could
not be deprived. This piece of news, exactly tallying with the
last part of the letter I had been honoured with in the morning,
had such an effect on me, that any man except Wagtail might have
observed my emotion; but his attention was too much engrossed by
the contemplation of his own importance to suffer him to be affected
with the deportment of any other body, unless it happened to be so
particular that he could not help taking notice of it.

When I had disengaged myself from him, whose conversation grew
insipid to me, I went home, and made Strap acquainted with the
fruit of my researches. This faithful squire was almost choked
with transport, and even wept with joy; but whether on account of
himself or me, I shall not pretend to determine. Next day a third
billet-doux was brought to me, containing many expressions of
tenderness, mingled with some affecting doubts about the artifice
of man, the inconstancy of youth, and the jealousy often attending
the most sincere passion; withal desiring I would excuse her, if she
should try me a little longer, before she declared herself beyond
the power of retracting. These interesting scruples added fuel to
my flame and impatience to my hope; I redoubled my complaints of her
indifference, and pressed her to an assignation with such fervent
entreaties, that in a few days she consented to meet me at the
house of that milliner who had forwarded all my letters. During the
interval between the date of her promise and the hour of appointment,
my pride soared beyond all reason and description; I lost all
remembrance of the gentle Narcissa, and my thoughts were wholly
employed in planning triumphs over the malice and contempt of the
world.

At length the happy hour arrived. I flew to the place of rendezvous,
and was conducted into an apartment, where I had not waited ten
minutes, when I heard the rustling of silk, and the sound of feet
ascending the stairs; my heart took the alarm, and beat quick; my
cheeks glowed, my nerves thrilled, and my knees shook with ecstacy!
I perceived the door opening, saw a gold brocade petticoat advance,
and sprang forward to embrace my charmer. Heaven and earth! how
shall I paint my situation, when I found Miss Sparkle converted into
a wrinkled hag turned of seventy! I was struck dumb with amazement,
and petrified with horror! This ancient Urganda, perceived my
disorder, and, approaching with a languishing air, seized my hand,
asking in a squeaking tone, if I was indisposed. Her monstrous
affectation completed the disgust I had conceived for her at her
first appearance, and it was a long time before I could command
myself so much as to behave with common civility: at length, however,
I recollected myself, and pronounced an apology for my behaviour,
which I said proceeded from a dizziness that seized me all of a
sudden. My hoary Dulcinea, who, no doubt, had been alarmed at my
confusion, no sooner learned the cause to which I now ascribed it,
than she discovered her joy in a thousand amorous coquetries, and
assumed the sprightly airs of a girl of sixteen. One while she
ogled me with her dim eyes, quenched in rheum; then, as if she was
ashamed of that freedom, she affected to look down, blush, and play
with her fan; then toss her head that I might not perceive a palsy
that shook it, ask some childish questions with a lisping accent,
giggle and grin with her mouth shut to conceal the ravage of time
upon her teeth, leer upon me again, sigh piteously, fling herself
about in her chair to show her agility, and act a great many more
absurdities that youth and beauty can alone excuse. Shocked as I
was at my disappointment, my disposition was incapable of affronting
any person who loved me; I therefore endeavoured to put a good face
to the matter for the present, resolved to drop the whole affair
as soon as I should get clear of her company; with this view, I
uttered some civil things, and in particular desired to know the
name and condition of the lady who had honoured me so much. She
told me her name was Withers, that she lived with Sir John Sparkle
in quality of governess to his only daughter, in which situation
she had picked up a comfortable sufficiency to make her easy for
life; that she had the pleasure of seeing me at church, where my
appearance and deportment made such an impression upon her heart,
that she could enjoy no ease until she had inquired into my character,
which she found so amiable in all respects, that she yielded to the
violence of her inclination, and ventured to declare her passion
with too little regard perhaps to the decorum of her sex; but she
hoped I would forgive a trespass of which I myself was in some
measure the cause, and impute her intrusion to the irresistible
dictates of love. No decayed rake ever swallowed a bolus with more
reluctance than I felt in making a reply suitable to this compliment,
when, instead of the jewel, I found the crazy casket only in my
power; and yet my hopes began to revive a little, when I considered,
that, by carrying on the appearance of an intrigue with the duenna,
I might possibly obtain access to her charge. Encouraged by this
suggestion, my temper grew more serene, my reserve wore off, I
talked en cavalier, and even made love to this antiquated coquette,
who seemed extremely happy in her adorer, and spread all her
allurements to make her imagined conquest more secure. The good
woman of the house treated us with tea and sweetmeats, and afterwards
withdrew, like a civil experienced matron as she was.

Left thus to our mutual endearments, Miss Withers (for she was
still a maiden) began to talk of matrimony, and expressed so much
impatience in all her behaviour that, had she been fifty years
younger, I might possibly have gratified her longing without having
recourse to the church; but this step my virtue as well as interest
forbade. When the inclinations of an old maid settle upon a young
fellow. he is persecuted with her addresses; but, should he once
grant her the favour, he will never be able to disentangle himself
from her importunities and reproaches. It was my business to defer
the ceremony as long as possible, under the most specious pretences,
with a view of becoming acquainted with Miss Sparkle in the meantime;
and I did not despair of success, when I considered, that in the
course of our correspondence, I should I all probability be invited
to visit my mistress in her own apartment, and by these means have
an opportunity of conversing with her charming ward. Pleased with
this prospect, my heart dilated with joy; I talked in raptures to
the state governante, and kissed her shrivelled hand with great
devotion, She was so much transported with her good fortune, that
she could not contain her ecstacy, but flew upon me like a tigress,
and pressed her skinny lips to mine; when (as it was no doubt
concerted by her evil genius) a dose of garlic she had swallowed
that morning, to dispel wind, I suppose, began to operate with such
a sudden explosion, that human nature, circumstanced as I was, could
not endure the shock with any degree of temper. I lost all patience
and reflection, flung away from her in an instant, snatched my hat
and cane, and ran downstairs as if the devil had me in pursuit,
and could scarcely retain the convulsion of my bowels, which were
grievously offended by the perfume that assaulted me. Strap, who
waited my return with impatience, seeing me arrive in the utmost
disorder, stood motionless with apprehension, and durst not inquire
into the cause.

After I had washed my mouth, more than once, and recruited my
spirits with a glass of wine, I recounted to him every particular
of what had happened; to which he made no other reply for some
time than lifting up his eyes, clasping his hands, and uttering a
hollow groan. At length he observed, in a melancholy tone, that it
was a thousand pities my organs were so delicate as to be offended
with the smell of garlic. "Ah! God help us," said he, "'tis not
the steams of garlic, no, nor of something else, that would give
me the least uneasiness--see what it is to be a cobler's son!"
I replied hastily, "I wish then you would go and retrieve my
miscarriage." At this suggestion he started, forced a smile, and
left the room, shaking his head. Whether the old gentlewoman resented
my abrupt departure so much that her love changed into disdain,
or was ashamed to see me on account of her infirmity, I know not;
but I was never troubled again with her passion.





CHAPTER LI




I cultivate an Acquaintance with two Noblemen--am introduced to
earl Strutwell--his kind Promise and Invitation--the Behaviour of
his Porter and Lacquey--he receives me with an Appearance of uncommon
Affection--undertakes to speak in my Behalf to the Minister--informs
me of his Success, and wishes me Joy--introduces a Conversation
about Fetronius Arbiter--falls in Love with my Watch, which I press
upon him--I make a present of a Diamond Ring to Lord Straddle--impart
my good Fortune to Strap and Banter, who disabuses me, to my utter
Mortification


Baffled hitherto in my matrimonial schemes, I began to question my
talents for the science of fortune-hunting, and to bend my thoughts
towards some employment under the government. With the view of
procuring which, I cultivated the acquaintance of Lords Straddle
and Swillpot, whose fathers were men of interest at court. I found
these young noblemen as open to my advances as I could desire; I
accompanied them in their midnight rambles, and often dined with
them at taverns, where I had the honour of paying the reckoning.

I one day took the opportunity, while I was loaded with protestations
of friendship, to disclose my desire of being settled in some
sinecure, and to solicit their influence in my behalf. Swillpot,
squeezing my hand, said, I might depend upon his service by G--.
The other swore that no man would be more proud than he to run my
errands. Encouraged by these declarations, I ventured to express
an inclination to be introduced to their fathers, who were able to
do my business at once. Swillpot frankly owned he had not spoken to
his father these three years; and Straddle assured me, his father,
having lately disobliged the minister by subscribing his name to
a protest in the house of peers, was thereby rendered incapable of
serving his friends at present; but he undertook to make me acquainted
with Earl Strutwell, who was hand and glove with a certain person
who ruled the roast. This offer I embraced with many acknowledgments,
and plied him so closely, in spite of a thousand evasions, that he
found himself under a necessity of keeping his word, and actually
carried me to the levee of this great man, where he left me in a
crowd of fellow-dependents, and was ushered to a particular closet
audience; from whence, in a few minutes, he returned with his
lordship, who took me by the hand, assured me he would do me all
the service he could, and desired to see me often. I was charmed
with my reception, and, although I had heard that a courtier's
promise is not to be depended upon, I thought I discovered so much
sweetness of temper and candour in this earl's countenance, that I
did not doubt of finding my account in his protection. I resolved
therefore to profit by this permission, and waited on him next
audience day, when I was favoured with a particular smile, squeeze
of the hand, and a whisper, signifying that he wanted half-an-hour's
conversation with me in private, when he should be disengaged, and
for that purpose desired me to come and drink a dish of chocolate
with him to-morrow morning.

This invitation, which did not a little flatter my vanity and
expectation, I took care to observe, and went to his lordship's
house at the time appointed. Having rapped at the gate, the porter
unbolted and kept it half open, placing himself in the gap, like
soldiers in the broach, to dispute my passage. I asked if his lord
was stirring? He answered with a surly aspect, " No." "At what
hour does he commonly rise?" said I. "Sometimes sooner, sometimes
later," said he, closing the door upon me by degrees. I then told
him I was come by his lordship's own appointment, to which intimation
this Cerberus replied, "I have received no orders about the matter,"
and was upon the point of shutting me out, when I recollected myself
all of a sudden, and slipping a crown into his hand, begged as a
favour that he would inquire, and let me know whether or not the
earl was up. The grim janitor relented at the touch of my money,
which he took with all the indifference of a taxgatherer, and showed
me into a parlour, where, he said, I might amuse myself till such
time as his lord should be awake. I had not sat ten minutes in this
place, when a footman entered, and, without speaking, started at
me; I interpreted this piece of his behaviour into, "Pray, sir,
what is your business?" and asked the same question I had put to
the porter, when I accosted him first. The lacquey made the same
reply, and disappeared before I could get any further intelligence.
In a little time he returned, on pretence of poking the fire, and
looked at me again with great earnestness; upon which I began to
perceive his meaning, and, tipping him with half-a-crown, desired
he would be so good as to fall upon some method of letting the
earl know that I was in the house. He made a low bow, said, "Yes,
sir," and vanished. This bounty was not thrown away, for in an instant
he came back, and conducted me to a chamber, where I was received
with great kindness and familiarity by his lordship, whom I found
just risen, in his morning-gown, and slippers. After breakfast, he
entered into a particular conversation with me about my travels,
the remarks I had made abroad, and examined me to the full extent
of my understanding. My answers seemed to please him very much,
he frequently squeezed my hand, and, looking at me with a singular
complacency in his countenance, bade me depend upon his good offices
with the ministry in my behalf. "Young men of your qualifications,"
said he, "ought to be cherished by every administration. For my
own part, I see so little merit in the world, that I have laid it
down as a maxim, to encourage the least appearance of genius and
virtue to the utmost of my power: you have a great deal of both;
and will not fail of making a figure one day, if I am not mistaken;
but you must lay your account with mounting by gradual steps to
the summit of your fortune. Rome was not built in a day. As you
understand the languages perfectly well, how would you like to
cross the sea as secretary to an embassy?" I assured his lordship,
with great eagerness, that nothing could be more agreeable to my
inclination: upon which he bade me make myself easy, my business
was done, for he had a place of that kind in his view. This piece
of generosity affected me so much, that I was unable for some time
to express my gratitude, which at length broke out in acknowledgments
of my own unworthiness, and encomiums on his benevolence. I could
not even help shedding tears at the goodness of this noble lord,
who no sooner perceived them than he caught me in his arms, and
hugged and kissed me with a seemingly paternal affection. Confounded
at this uncommon instance of fondness for a stranger, I remained a
few moments silent and ashamed; then rose and took my leave, after
he had assured me that he would speak to the minister in my favour
that very day; and desired that I would not for the future give
myself the trouble of attending at his levee, but come at the same
hour every day, when he should be at leisure, that is, three times
a week.

Though my hopes were now very sanguine, I determined to conceal my
prospect from everybody, even from Strap, until I should be more
certain of success: and in the meantime give my patron no respite
from my solicitations. When I renewed my visit, I found the
street-door opened to me as if by enchantment; but in my passage
towards the presence-room, I was met by the valet-de-chambre, who
cast some furious looks at me the meaning of which I could not
comprehend. The earl saluted me at entrance with a tender embrace,
and wished me joy of his success with the Premier, who, he said,
had preferred his recommendation to that of two other noblemen
very urgent in behalf of their respective friends, and absolutely
promised that I should go to a certain foreign court in quality of
secretary to an ambassador and plenipotentiary who was to set out
in a few weeks an affair of vast importance to the nation. I was
thunderstruck with my good fortune, and could make no other reply
than kneel and attempt to kiss my benefactor's hand, which submission
he would not permit; but, raising me up, pressed me to his breast
with surprising emotion, and told me he had now taken upon himself
the care of making my fortune. What enhanced the value of the benefit
still the more, was his making light of the favour, and shifting
the conversation to another subject.

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