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The Adventures of Roderick Random

T >> Tobias Smollett >> The Adventures of Roderick Random




While we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician, spying
a horseman a riding towards the inn, stopped all of a sudden, crying
out, "Gad so! gentlemen, I beg your pardon, there's our dog of a
doctor coming into the inn." He immediately commended his instrument,
and ran towards the gate, where he took hold of the vicar's bridle,
and helped him off, inquiring very cordially into the state of his
health.

This rosy son of the church, who might be about the age of fifty.
having alighted and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked
with great solemnity, into the kitchen, where sitting down by the
fire, he called for a bottle of ale and a pipe; scarce deigning
an answer to the submissive questions of those who inquired about
the welfare of his family. While he indulged himself in this state,
amidst a profound silence, the curate, approaching him with great
reverence, asked him if he would not be pleased to honour him with
his company at dinner? To which interrogation he answered in the
negative, saying, he had been to visit Squire Bumpkin, who had
drank himself into a high fever at the last assizes; and that he
had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he should dine at home.
Accordingly where be had made an end of his bottle and pipe,
he rose, and moved with prelatical dignity to the door, where his
journeyman stood ready with his nag. He had no sooner mounted than
the facetious curate, coming into the kitchen, held forth in this
manner: "There the old rascal goes, and the d--l go with him. You
see how the world wags, gentlemen. By gad, this rogue of a vicar does
not deserve to live; and yet he has two livings worth four hundred
pounds per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and
ride twenty miles every Sunday to preach--for what? why, truly,
for twenty pounds a year. I scorn to boast of my own qualifications
but--comparisons are odious. I should be glad to know how this
wag-bellied doctor deserves to be more at ease than me. He can loll
in his elbow chair at home, indulge himself in the best of victuals
and wine and enjoy the conversation of Betty, his housekeeper. You
understand me, gentlemen. Betty is the doctor's poor kinswoman,
and a pretty girl she is; but no matter for that; ay, and dutiful
girl to her parents, whom she visits regularly every year, though
I must own I could never learn in what county they live, My service
t'ye, gentlemen."

By this time dinner being ready, I waked my companion, and we ate
altogether with great cheerfulness. When our meal was ended, and
every man's share of the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out
on pretence of some necessary occasion, and, mounting his house,
left the two farmers to satisfy the host in the best manner they
could. We were no sooner informed of this piece of finesse, than
the exciseman, who had been silent hitherto, began to open with a
malicious grin: "Ay, ay this is an old trick of Shuffle; I could
not help smiling when he talked of treating. Yon must know this is
a very curious fellow. He picked up some scraps of learning while
he served young Lord Trifte at the university. But what he most
excels in is pimping. No one knows his talents better than I, for
I was valet-de-chambre to Squire Tattle an intimate companion of
Shuffle's lord. He got him self into a scrape by pawning some of
his lordship's clothes on which account he was turned away; but, as
he was acquainted with some particular circumstances of my lord's
conduct, he did not care to exasperate him too much, and so made
interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him
to the curacy which he now enjoys. However, the fellow cannot be too
much admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable livelihood, in
spite of such a small allowance. You hear he plays a good stick,
and is really diverting company; these qualifications make him
agreeable wherever he goes; and, as for playing at cards there
is not a man within three counties for him. The truth is, he is a
d--able cheat, and can shift a card with such address that it is
impossible to discover him."

Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked, why he had
not justice enough to acquaint them with these particulars before
they engaged in play. The exciseman replied, without any hesitation,
that it was none of his business to intermeddle between man and man;
besides, he did not know they were ignorant of Shuffle's character,
which was notorious to the whole country. This did not satisfy
the other, who taxed him with abetting and assisting the curate's
knavery, and insisted on having his share of the winnings returned;
this demand the exciseman as positively refused affirming that,
whatever sleights Shuffle might practise on other occasions, he
was very certain that he had played on the square with them, and
would answer it before any bench in Christendom; so saying, he got
up and, having paid his reckoning, sneaked off.

The Landlord, thrusting his neck into the passage to see if he was
gone, shook his head, saying, "Ah! Lord help us! if every sinner
was to have his deserts. Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the
excisemen. But I know what; if parson Shuffle and he were weighed
together, a straw thrown into either scale would make the balance
kick the beam. But, masters, this is under the rose," continued
Boniface with a whisper.





CHAPTER X




The Highwayman is taken--we are detained as Evidence against
him--proceed to the next village--he escapes--we arrive at another
inn, where we go to Bed--in the Night we are awaked by a dreadful
Adventure-next night we lodge at the house of a Schoolmaster--our
Treatment there


Strap and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived
a crowd on the road coming towards us, shouting and hallooing all
the way. As it approached, we could discern a man on horseback
in the middle, with his hands tied behind him, whom we soon knew
to be Rifle. The highwayman, not being so well mounted as the two
servants who went in pursuit of him, was soon overtaken, and, after
having discharged his pistols, made prisoner without any further
opposition. They were carrying him in triumph, amidst the acclamations
of the country people, to a justice of peace in a neighbouring
village, but stopped at our inn to join their companions and take
refreshment.

When Rifle was dismounted and placed in the yard, within a circle
of peasants, armed with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a
pitiful dejected fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours
before filled me with such terror and confusion. My companion was
so much encouraged by this alteration in his appearance that, going
up to the thief, he presented his clenched fists to his nose, and
declared he would either cudgel or box with the prisoner for a
guinea, which he immediately produced, and began to strip, but was
dissuaded from this adventure by me, who represented to him the
folly of the undertaking, as Rifle was now in the hands of justice,
which would, no doubt, give us all satisfaction enough.

But what made me repent of our impertinent curiosity was our being
detained by the captors, as evidence against him, when we were
just going to set forward. However, there was no remedy; we were
obliged to comply, and accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which
luckily took the same road that we had proposed to follow. Abort
the twilight we arrived at the place of our destination, but as the
justice was gone to visit a gentleman in the country. with whom
(we understood) he would probably stay all night, the robber was
confined in an empty garret, three stories high, from which it
seemed impossible for him to escape; this, nevertheless, was the
case; for next morning when they went up stairs to bring him before
the justice, the bird was flown, having got out at the window upon
the roof from whence he continued his route along the tops of the
adjoining houses, and entered another garret where he skulked until
the family were asleep. at which time he ventured down stairs, and
let himself out by the street-door, which was open.

This event was a great disappointment to those that apprehended
him, who were flushed with the hopes of the reward; but gave me
great joy, as I was permitted now to continue my journey, without
any further molestation. Resolving to make up for the small progress
we had hitherto made, we this day travelled with great vigour and
before night reached a market town. twenty miles from the place
from whence we set out in the morning, without meeting any adventure
worth notice. Here having taken up our lodging at an in, I found
myself so fatigued that I began to despair of performing our journey
on foot, and desired Strap to inquire if there were any waggon,
return horses, or any cheap carriage in this place, to depart for
London next day. He was informed that the waggon from Newcastle
to London had halted there two nights ago, and that it would be an
easy matter to overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest, the
day after the next. This piece of news gave us some satisfaction;
and, after having made a hearty supper on hashed mutton, we were
shown to our room, which contained two beds, the one allotted for
us, and the other for a very honest gentleman, who, we were told,
was then drinking below. Though we could have very well dispensed
with his company, we were glad to submit to this disposition, as
there was not another bed empty in the house; and accordingly went
to rest, after having secured our baggage under the bolster. About
two or three o'clock in the morning I was awaked out of a very
profound sleep by a dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not
fail to throw me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these
words pronounced with a terrible voice: "Blood and wounds! run the
halbert into the guts of him that's next you, and I'll blow the
other's brains out presently."

This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap
than, starting out of bed, he ran against somebody in the dark, and
overturned him in an instant; at the same time bawling out, "Fire!
murder! fire!" a cry which in a moment alarmed the whole house, and
filled our chamber with a crowd of naked people. When lights were
brought, the occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared; which
was no other than a fellow lodger, whom we found lying on the floor,
scratching his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment
at the concourse of apparitions that surrounded him.

This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting sergeant, who,
having listed two country fellows over night, dreaded they had
mutinied, and threatened to murder him and the drummer who was
along with him. This made such an impression on his imagination,
that he got up in his sleep and expressed himself as above. When
our apprehension of danger vanished, the company beheld one another
with great surprise and mirth; but what attracted the notice of
everyone was our landlady, with nothing on her but her shift and
a large pair of buckskin breeches, with the backside before, which
she had slipped on in the hurry, and her husband with her petticoat
about his shoulders; one had wrapped himself in a blanket, another
was covered with a sheet, and the drummer, who had given his only
shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo with a bolster rolled about
his middle.

When this affair was discussed, everybody retired to his own apartment,
the sergeant slipped into bed, and my companion and I slept without
any further disturbance till morning, when we got up, went to
breakfast, paid our reckoning, and set forward in expectation of
overtaking the waggon; in which hope, however, we were disappointed
for that day. As we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found
myself quite spent with fatigue, when we entered a small village
in the twilight. We inquired for a public-house, and were directed
to one of a very sorry appearance. At our entrance the landlord,
who seemed to be a venerable old man, with long gray hair, rose
from a table placed by a large fire in a very neat paved kitchen,
and with a cheerful countenance accosted us in these words: "Salvete,
pueri. Ingredimini." I was not a little pleased to hear our host
speak Latin, because I was in hope of recommending myself to him
by my knowledge in that language; I therefore answered, without
hesitation, "Dissolve frigus, ligna super foco--large reponens." I
had no sooner pronounced these words, than the old gentleman, running
towards me, shook me by the hand, crying, "Fili mi dilectissime!
unde venis?--a superis, ni fallor?" In short, finding we were both
read in the classics, he did not know how to testify his regard
enough; but ordered his daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel
who was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimum,
repeating from Horace at the same time, "Deprome quadrimum sabina,
O Tholiarche, merum diota." This was excellent ale of his own
brewing, of which he told us he had always an amphora four years
old, for the use of himself and friends.

In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with
scraps of Latin, we understood that this facetious person was
a schoolmaster, whose income being small, he was fain to keep a
glass of good liquor for the entertainment of passengers by which
he made shift to make the two ends of the year meet. "I am this
day," said he, "the happiest old fellow in his majesty's dominions.
My wife, rest her soul, is in heaven. My daughter is to be married
next week; but the two chief pleasures of my life are these
(pointing to the bottle and a large edition of Horace that lay on
the table). I am old, 'tis true--what then? the more reason I should
enjoy the small share of life that remains, as my friend Flaccus
advises: 'Tu ne quaesieris (scire nefas) quem mihi, quem tibi finem
dii dederint. Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero.'"

As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no scruple
of acquainting him with our situation, which when he had learned,
he enriched us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us
that he was no stranger to the deceits of mankind. In the meantime
he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire for supper, for
he was resolved this night to regale his friends--permittens divis
caetera. While our entertainment was preparing, our host recounted
the adventures of his own life, which, as they contained nothing
remarkable, I forbear to rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously,
and drunk several bottles of his I expressed a desire of going to
rest, which was with some difficulty complied with, after he had
informed us that we should overtake the waggon by noon next day;
and that there was room enough in it for half-a-dozen, for there
were only four passengers as yet in that convenience.

Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we had some conversation about
the good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of
his benevolence, that he positively believed we should pay nothing
for our lodging and entertainment. "Don't you observe," said he,
"that he has conceived a particular affection for us--nay, even
treated us at supper with extraordinary fare, which, to be sure,
we should not of ourselves have called for?"

I was partly of Strap's opinion; but the experience I had of the
world made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, getting up
betimes, we breakfasted with our host and his daughter on hasty-pudding
and ale, and desired to know what we had to pay. "Biddy will let you
know, gentlemen," said he; "for I never mind these matters. Money
matters are beneath the concern of one who lives upon the Horatian
plan--Crescentum sequitur cura pecuniam." Meanwhile, Biddy, having
consulted a slate that hung in the corner, told us our reckoning
came to 8s. 7d. "Eight shillings and seven pence!" cried Strap,
"'tis impossible! you must be mistaken, young woman." "Reckon
again, child," says her father, very deliberately; "perhaps you
have miscounted." "No, indeed," replied she, "I know my business
better." I could contain my indignation no longer, but said it
was an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the particulars;
upon which the old man got up, muttering, "Ay, ay, let us see the
particulars--that's but reasonable." And, taking pen, ink, and
paper, wrote the following items:

To bread and beer 0 6
To a fowl and sausages 2 6
To four bottles of quadrim. 2 0
To fire and tobacco 0 7
To lodging 2 0
To breakfast 1 0
----
8 7

As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised
a sort of veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night,
it was not in my power to upbraid him as he deserved; therefore, I
contented myself with saying I was sure he did not learn to be an
extortioner from Horace. He answered, I was but a young man and
did not know the world, or I would not tax him with extortion,
whose only aim was to live contentus parvo, and keep off importuna
pauperies. My fellow traveller could not so easily put up with this
imposition; but swore he should either take one-third of the money
or go without. While we were engaged in this dispute, I perceived
the daughter go out, and, conjecturing the occasion, immediately
paid the exorbitant demand, which was no sooner done than Biddy
returned with two stout fellows, who came in on pretence of taking
their morning draught, but in reality to frighten us into compliance.
Just as we departed, Strap, who was half-distracted on account of
this piece of expense, went up to the schoolmaster, and, grinning
in his face, pronounced with great emphasis--"Semper avarus eget."
To which the pedant replied, with a malicious smile--"Animum rege,
qui, nisi paret, imperat."





CHAPTER XI




We descry the Waggon--get into it--arrive at an inn--our Fellow
Travellers described--a Mistake is committed by Strap, which produces
strange things


We travelled half-a-mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts
being engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be
daily exposed, and the contemplation of my finances, which began
sensibly to diminish. At length, Strap, who could hold no longer,
addressed me thus: "Well, fools and their money are soon parted.
If my advice had been taken, that old skin-flint should have been
d--n'd before he had got more than the third of his demand. 'Tis a
sure sign you came easily by your money, when you squander it away
in this manner. Ah! God help you, how many bristly beards must I
have mowed before I earned four shillings and threepence-halfpenny,
which is all thrown to the dogs! How many days have I sat weaving
hair till my toes were numbed by the cold, my fingers cramped,
and my nose as blue as the sign of the periwig that hung over the
door! What the devil was you afraid of? I would have engaged to
box with any one of those fellows who came in for a guinea--I'm
sure--I have beat stouter men than either of them." And, indeed,
my companion would have fought anybody when his life was in no
danger; but he had a mortal aversion to fire-arms and all instruments
of death. In order to appease him, I assured him no part of this
extraordinary expense should fall upon his shoulders; at which
declaration he was affronted, and told me he would have me to know
that, although he was a poor barber's boy, yet he had a soul to
spend big money with the best squire of the land.

Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a
refreshment, we descried, toward the evening, to our inexpressible
joy, the waggon about a quarter of a mile before us; and, by that
time we reached it, were both of us so weary that I verily believe
it would have been impracticable for us to have walked one mile
farther. We, therefore, bargained with the driver, whose name was
Joey, to give us a cast to the next stage for a shilling; at which
place we should meet the master of the waggon, with whom we might
agree for the rest of the journey.

Accordingly the convenience stopped, and Joey having placed the
ladder, Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but,
just as he was getting in, a tremendous voice assailed his ears
in these words: "God's fury! there shall no passengers come here."
The poor shaver was so disconcerted at this exclamation, which
both he and I imagined proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he
descended with great velocity and a countenance as white as paper.
Joey, perceiving our astonishment, called, with an arch sneer,
"Waunds, coptain, whay woant yau sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake
a penny? Coom, coom, young man, get oop, get oop, never moind the
coptain; I'se not afeard of the coptain."

This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be
prevailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though
not without a quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering,
like distant thunder--"Hell and the devil confound me, if I don't
make you smart for this!" However, I crept in, and by accident got
an empty place in the straw, which I immediately took possession
of, without being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers
in the dark. Strap following, with the knapsack on his back, chanced
to take the other side, and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched
directly upon the stomach of the captain, who bellowed out, in
a most dreadful manner, "Blood and thunder! where's my sword?" At
these words my frighted comrade started up, and, at one spring,
bounced against me with such force that I thought he was the supposed
son of Anak, who intended to press me to death. In the meantime a
female voice cried, "Bless me! what is the matter, my dear?" "The
matter," replied the captain, "d--n my blood! my guts are squeezed
into a pancake by that Scotchman's hump." Strap, trembling all the
while at my back, asked him pardon, and laid the blame of what had
happened upon the jolting of the waggon; and the woman who spoke
before went on: "Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own fault; we may thank
ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet with. I thank God I
never travelled so before. I am sure if my lady or Sir John were
to know where we are they would not sleep this night for vexation.
I wish to God we had writ for the chariot; I know we shall never
be forgiven." "Come, come, my dear," replied the captain, "it don't
signify fretting now; we shall laugh it over as a frolic; I hope
you will not suffer in your health. I shall make my lord very merry
with our adventures in this diligence."

The discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his
lady that I durst not venture to join in the conversation; but
immediately after another female voice began: "Some people give
themselves a great many needless airs; better folks than any here
have travelled in waggons before now. Some of us have rode in
coaches and chariots, with three footmen behind them, without making
so much fuss about it. What then? We are now all upon a footing;
therefore let us be sociable and merry. What do you say, Isaac? Is
not this a good motion, you doting rogue? Speak, you old cent per
cent fornicator? What desperate debt are you thinking of? What
mortgage are you planning? Well, Isaac, positively you shall never
gain my favour till you turn over a new leaf, grow honest, and
live like a gentleman. In the meantime give me a kiss, you old
fumbler." These words, accompanied with a hearty smack, enlivened
the person to whom they were addressed to such a degree that he
cried, in transport, though with a faltering voice, "Ah! you wanton
baggage--upon my credit, you are a waggish girl--he, he, he!" This
laugh introduced a fit of coughing, which almost suffocated the
poor usurer (such we afterwards found was the profession of this
our fellow-traveller).

About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till
such time as we arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having
alighted from the waggon, I had an opportunity of viewing the
passengers in order as they entered. The first who appeared was a
brisk, airy girl, about twenty years old, with a silver-laced hat
on her head instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding-suit, trimmed
with silver very much tarnished, and a whip in her hand. After her
came, limping, an old man, with a worsted nightcap buttoned under
his chin, and a broad-brimmed hat slouched over it, an old rusty blue
cloak tied about his neck, under which appeared a brown surtout,
that covered a threadbare coat and waistcoat, and, as he afterwards
discerned, a dirty flannel jacket. His eyes were hollow, bleared,
and gummy; his face was shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles, his
gums were destitute of teeth, his nose sharp and drooping, his
chin peaked and prominent, so that, when he mumped or spoke, they
approached one another like a pair of nutcrackers: he supported
himself on an ivory-headed cane and his whole figure was a just
emblem of winter, famine, and avarice. But how was I surprised,
when I beheld the formidable captain in the shape of a little thin
creature, about the age of forty, with a long withered visage, very
much resembling that of a baboon, through the upper part of which
two little gray eyes peeped: he wore his own hair in a queue that
reached to his rump, which immoderate length, I suppose. was the
occasion of a baldness that appeared on the crown of his head when
he deigned to take off his hat, which was very much of the size
and cock of Pistol's.

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