Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10
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Various >> Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10
PUNCHINELLO, Vol. I, Issue 10
SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 1870.
PUBLISHED BY THE
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.
[Illustration: Vol. I. No. 10.]
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* * * * *
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[Sidenote: See 15th page for Extra Premiums.]
* * * * *
_Will Shortly appear: Our New Serial, written expressly for
Punchinello,
by ORPHEUS C. KERR, Entitled, "The Mystery of Mr. E. Drood." To be
continued weekly during this year._
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* * * * *
Notice to Ladies.
DIBBLEE,
Of 854 Broadway,
Has just received a large assortment of all the latest styles of
Chignons, Chatelaines, etc.
FROM PARIS.
Comprising the following beautiful varieties:
La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet,
La Sirene, L'Imperatrice etc.,
At prices varying from $2 upward.
* * * * *
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J. NICKINSON
begs to announce to the friends of
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residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has
Made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of
ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED.
the same will be forwarded, postage paid.
Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses
can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.
OFFICE OF
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
83 Nassau Street,
[P.O. Box 2783.]
* * * * *
[ILLUSTRATION: WHAT WE MAY CONFIDENTLY LOOK FOR.
_Jurywoman_. "I BEG TO INTERRUPT THE COURT WITH THE REQUEST THAT, BEFORE
THE CASE PROCEEDS ANY FURTHER, THE SHERIFF BE DIRECTED TO PROVIDE THE
JURYMAN ON MY RIGHT WITH A BOTTLE OF LURIN'S EXTRACT, OTHERWISE THE
FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE JURY WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE
CONSEQUENCES," etc., etc.]
* * * * *
A CONSISTENT LEAGUE.
Immediately upon McFarland's acquittal, the Union League of Philadelphia
determined to give a grand ball. And they did it. And, what is more,
they intend to do it every time the majesty of any kind of Union is
vindicated. Except, of course, the union of the "Iron interest" and the
public good.
One of the most valuable and instructive features of this ball was, the
grand opportunity it offered to the members of the League to show their
respect and affection for the spirit of the Fifteenth Amendment,
Accordingly, they invited a large number of colored ladies and
gentlemen, and the accursed spirit of caste was completely exorcised by
the exercises of the evening. The halls were grandly decorated with
blackberry and gooseberry bushes, and other rare plants; sumptuous
fountains squirted high great streams of XX ale and gin-and-milk;
enormous piles of panned oysters, lobster salad, Charlotte Russe, and
rice-pudding blocked up half the doorways, while within the dancing hall
the merriment was kept up grandly. The ball was opened by a grand
Cross-match waltz in which Hon. MORTON MCMICHAEL and Mrs. DINAH J--N;
GEORGE H. BOKER and Miss CHLOE P--T--N; WILLIAM D. KELLEY and Aunty Di.
LU-V-I-A-N; A. BORIE and Miss E. G--N; Gen. TYNDALE and Miss MAY OR--TY,
and several other distinguished couples twirled their fantastic toes in
the most reckless _abandon_. Virginia reels, Ole Kentucky break-downs,
and other characteristic dances diversified the ordinary Terpsichorean
programme, and the dancing was kept up to a late hour. It was truly
gratifying to every consistent supporter of the enfranchisement of the
African race, to see such gentlemen as _Senator_ REVELS, FREDERICK
DOUGLASS, Mr. PURVIS, and other prominent colored citizens, in the halls
of this patriotic and thoroughly American Society. The members of the
League were evidently of the opinion that it would be a most flagrant
shame, on an occasion of this kind, for them to deny to their colored
fellow citizens the rights and privileges that they are so anxious shall
be accorded them by every one else; and, while they do not believe that
they are bound to invite any one--black or white--to their private
reunions on account of political considerations, they do not attempt to
deny that, on an occasion of this kind--a celebration in fact of the
success of a political party--it would be most shameful to ostracize the
very citizens for whom that party labored and conquered. Therefore it
was that they so warmly welcomed, within their gorgeous halls, their
colored fellow-citizens, and by so doing won for themselves the
approbation of every consistent American. It was one of the most
affecting sights of the evening to see these gentlemen of the League,
nobly trampling under their feet all base considerations of color and
caste, and walking arm and arm with their colored sisters; smelling the
exotics; admiring the groups of statuary; sipping the coffee and the
punch; pricing the crimson curtains; inhaling the perfumes from the
cologne-water fountains; ascending and descending the grand walnut
staircase (arranged for this occasion only); listening to the birds in
the conservatories; and fixing their hair in the magnificent
dressing-rooms. When, in the midst of the festivities the band struck up
the beautiful air, "Ask me no more!" the honored guests of color looked
at each other with pleasant smiles which seemed to denote a perfect
satisfaction. And so, whatever may be said of the friends of the colored
race in other parts of the country, it must be universally admitted that
the Union League of Philadelphia has done its duty!
* * * * *
Good Reading for Topers.
MR. GREELEY's "Recollections of a Boozy Life."
* * * * *
Sporting Intelligence.
A NEWSPAPER item says that "a Mexican offers to shoot JUAREZ for $200."
That's nothing. TAYLOR, of Jersey City, offers to shoot any man in the
world for $2000.
* * * * *
The Favorite Drink of the Canadian Government.
CABINET Whiskey.
* * * * *
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.
* * * * *
[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.]
The public still labor under misapprehensions of our character and
calling. We are in daily receipt of letters of the most heterogeneous
description, the task of answering which we are compelled to utterly
forego.
We subjoin a few specimens:
"MR. PUNCHINELLO. _Dear Sir_: My wife died yesterday, and would you be
so kind as to come and make her will? I would not give you the trouble
of coming, but the young woman I intend to marry next is going away
to-morrow, and I don't want to leave home. My wife had five hundred
dollars which I want left to me, and a feather bed, which you may divide
amongst the children.
"Yours in affliction,
"SOLOMON SNIPP."
"SIR: I calculate to give a funeral down at my place shortly, that is,
if things go right; but we have no preacher to do the work. Would you
please to send us one? Not particular what kind, so long as the work is
_sure_. Party is not dead yet, but I make arrangements beforehand as I
expect to be insane. Good pay for good work.
"Sincerely,
"P. MCFINIGAN.
"P. S. Do preachers warrant their burials?"
"DEAR MR. PUNCHINELLO:--You were so good as to prescribe a hot pitch
plaster for the baby's mouth. Next day I took the prescription to your
office, but failed to get it made up, as the devil, they told me, was
busy. Will you please inform me when you will be at leisure? Meanwhile
baby yells.
"Yours truly,
"C. PUGSBY.
"P.S. _Later_. Mrs. PUGSBY says if I apply that plaster she will go
insane. True, she does not understand fire-arms, but then I should be
afraid to drink any coffee for a month. In the meantime, if the baby
keeps on, I shall go crazy myself; so there is likely to be a casualty
somewhere. What's to be done? Shall I bring the child to you?
"C. P."
_Answer_. At your peril. Go crazy and shoot it; then we will go crazy
and turn counsel for the defence. The result will probably be that you
are handed over to the ladies to be kissed into reason; but if you would
rather be hung, you must do the shooting over in New-Jersey.
* * * * *
"BEAUTIFUL SNOW."
Circumstances having rendered it probable that the dispute respecting
the authorship of the poem "Beautiful Snow" may shortly be revived,
PUNCHINELLO takes this opportunity of setting the public right on the
subject, and silencing further controversy regarding it for ever.
It is the production of Mr. PUNCHINELLO, himself; was composed by him so
long ago as July, 1780, and copyrighted in August of the same year. It
may be asked how the idea of snow-flakes happened to occur to him in
July. That question is easily settled. The day was sultry; thermometer
98° in the arbor. Drowsed by the sultry air--not to mention the iced
claret--Mr. PUNCHINELLO posed himself gracefully upon a rustic bench,
and slept. Presently the lovely lady who was fanning him, fascinated by
the trumpet tones that preceded from his nose, exclaimed: "Beautiful
Snore!" This was repeated to him when he awoke, and hence the origin of
the poem.
* * * * *
Fish Culture.
The Grand Duke ALEXIS, of Russia, proposes to come to these shores and
inspect the American system of fish culture. With this end in view, he
will, of course, be the particular guest of Gen. GRANT, and will, no
doubt, be surprised to find that our principal FISH is a cultivated man.
But he will better understand our FISH system by witnessing its
operations in Spanish and Canadian waters, as also in those of Sault St.
Marie.
* * * * *
Linsey-Woolsey.
The regular troops for the Canadian Red River Expedition have been
supplied by Gen. LINDSEY, and are commanded by Col. WOLSLEY--a fact
oddly co-incidental with the reported flimsy character of the
expedition, so far as it has gone.
* * * * *
[Illustration: TOO TRUE! Scene-Academy. Time-Spring of 70. Miss Smith.
"WHAT DOES 'N.A.' MEAN AFTER SOME OF THESE ARTISTS' NAMES?" Miss Brown.
"N.A. WHY IT MUST MEAN 'NEEDY ARTISTS.' POOR FELLOWS!"]
* * * * *
Bivalvulor Intelligence.
It is stated that the clams along the Stratford shore are dying by
thousands of a malignant disease, which a correspondent of the
Bridgeport _Standard_ calls "clam cholera." This is a sad c'lamity for
the people of the Stratford shore.
* * * * *
The Fifteenth Amendment.
The appointment of colored postmasters in Maryland may be all very well;
but PUNCHINELLO would like to know whether the Post-office authorities
intend to revive the custom of Blackmailing.
* * * * *
THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
[Illustration: C]
Comedy personified, in Mr. CLARKE, has now reigned at BOOTH'S for nearly
six weeks. During that time there has been a perceptible change in the
metaphorical atmosphere of the house. The audience no longer wears the
look of subdued melancholy which was once involuntarily assumed by each
mourner for the memory of SHAKSPEARE, who passed the solemn threshold.
The ushers no longer find it necessary to sustain their depressed
spirits by the surreptitious chewing of the quid of consolation, and are
now the most pleasant, as they were always the most courteous, of their
kind. Persons have even been heard, within the past week, to allude to
BOOTH'S as a "theatre," instead of a "temple of art;" and though the
convulsions of nature which attend the shifting of the scenery, and
cause castles to be violently thrown up by volcanic eruptions and
forests to be suddenly swallowed by gaping earthquakes, impart a certain
solemnity to the brightest of comedies, still there is a general
impression among the audience that BOOTH'S has become a place of
amusement. And in noting this change PUNCHINELLO does not mean to jeer
at the former and normal character of BOOTH'S. BEETHOVEN'S Seventh
Symphony, DANTE'S Inferno, JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle, and EDWIN BOOTH'S
Hamlet are not amusing, but it does not follow that they are therefore
unworthy of the attention of the public, which is pleased with the
rattle of De Boots, and tickled with the straw of Toodles.
FOX vs. GOOSE is a three act comedy in which Mr. CLARKE last week made
his audience laugh as freely as though the tomb-stones of all the
Capulets were not gleaming white and awful in the lamplight of the
property-room; or, at all events, would be gleaming if any body were to
hunt them up with a practicable lantern. The opening scene is the
tap-room of an inn, where Mr. FOX FOWLER, an adventurer, is taking his
ease and his unpaid-for gin-and-milk.
_Enter Landlord, presenting his bill_. "Here, sir, you've been drinking
my beer for several years, and now I want you to pay for it."
_Fox_. "My friend! why ask me to pay bills? Do you not perceive that I
wear a velvet coat? And, besides, even if I wanted to pay I could not
until my baggage, which I gave to an expressman ten years ago, shall
reach me. It will probably arrive in a month or two more."
_Landlord_. "Here comes Sir GANDER GOSLING. I'll complain to him of your
conduct."
(_Enter Sir Gander_.)
_Fox_. "My dear Sir GANDER. Allow me to embrace you."
_Sir Gander_. "I don't know you. I'm not my son JACK."
_Fox_. "But I am Jack's dearest friend. I have saved him from drowning,
from matrimony, from reading the _Nation,_ from mothers-in-law, and all
other calamities mentioned in the litany."
_Sir Gander_. "Describe him to me, if you know him so well."
_Fox_. "He is tall, dark, slender, and quiet in manner."
_Sir Gander_. "My dear fellow he is short, fat, light, and noisy. I am
convinced that you know him. Permit me to pay your bill, lend you money,
and tell you all about our dear JACK'S intended marriage." (_He pays,
lends, and narrates accordingly. A terrific rattling of dishpans
simulates the arrival of a train. Sir_ GANDER _departs and_ JACK GOSLING
_enters._)
_Fox_. "My dear JACK, allow me to embrace you."
_Jack_. "I don't know you. I'm not my father."
_Fox_. "But I am your father's dearest friend. Sit down and have a
bottle of wine, and tell me all about ROSE MANDRAKE, your intends bride.
'Rose! Rose! the coal black Rose!' as MILTON finely remarks." (_They sit
down and_ JACK _immediately gets very drunk, thereby affording another
proof of the horribly adulterated condition of the liquor used on the
stage, which infallibly intoxicates an actor within two minutes after it
is imbibed. [Let the Excise authorities see to this matter.] Finally_
JACK _falls, and the curtain immediately follows his example.)
Critical Young Man, who reads all the theatrical "notices" in the Herald
in the leisure moments when he is not selling yards of tape and ribbon_.
"I don't think much of CLARKE. He ain't half the man that NED FORREST
is. There ain't a bit of spontanatious humor in him. Them San Francisco
Minstrels can beat him out of sight."
_Accompanying Young Female Person_. "Yes, I think so, too. I hate to see
a man act drunk. It's so low and vulgar. I like pretty plays, like they
have at WALLACK'S."
_Respectable Old Gentleman_. "PLACIDE--BLAKE--BURTON--"
_Every Body Else_. "Well, this is real humor; I haven't laughed so much
since I heard BEECHER preach a funeral sermon."
The second act takes place in the house of Major MANDRAKE. Fox has
successfully assumed the character of JACK GOSLING, and is having a
pleasant chat with the family, when the gardener enters to inform the
Major that a flock of crows is in sight.
_Major Mandrake_. "I love the pleasures of the chase. Bring my gun, and
I will shoot the crows." (_He goes out, and shoots_ JACK, _who is
climbing over the gate. Re-enter Major and men carrying_ JACK.)
_Major_. "Alas! I have missed the crow over the cornfield, and lost the
crow over my shooting which I would otherwise have had. Also I have shot
a man out of season, and the sportsmen's club will prosecute me."
_Jack_. "I am not dead, though my appearance and conversation might
induce you to think so. My name is JACK GOSLING. The chap in the velvet
coat is an impostor."
_Major, Fox, and other dramatis persons_. "Away with the wretch! He
himself is the impostor. Call a policeman who will club him if he makes
no resistance."
JACK is dragged away, but perpetually returns and denounces his rival.
He is bitten by suppositious dogs cunningly simulated by stage
carpenters, who remark "bow wow" from behind the scenes. He is cut by
ROSE MANDRAKE, and also by rows of broken bottles, which line the top of
the wall on which he makes a perilous perch, not having a pole or rod
with which to defend himself against the dogs. He is challenged by Fox
and seconded by Miss BLANCHE BE BAR in naval uniform. Finally he takes
refuge in the china closet, and hurls cheap plates and saucers at his
foes. With the exhaustion of the supply of crockery, the act naturally
comes to an end, and, as frequently occurs in similar cases, the curtain
falls.
_Comic Man_. "Why does CLARKE, when he slings china at the company,
remind you of the Paraguayan war? Of course you give it up. Because he
carries on a war on the Plate. Do you see it? Crockery plates and the
river Plate, you know. Ha! ha!"
And two ushers, reinforced by a special policeman, drag the miserable
man away, and lead him to MAGONIGLE'S private room, there to be dealt
with for the hideous crime of making infamous jokes in BOOTH'S theatre.
He is never seen again, and so the Philadelphia _Day_ loses its
brightest ornament.
The third act consists of a duel between JACK and FOX, each of whom is
too cowardly to fight. They therefore follow the safer example of rival
editors, and swear and scold at each other. At last a small millennium
of universal reconciliation takes place, and the usual old comedy "tag"
ends the play.
(Parenthetically, why "tag?" Does it receive this name because its
invariable stupidity suggests those other worthless commodities "rag"
and "bob-tail," which, outside of theatres, are generally associated
with the name.)
And every body goes away murmuring of the genial humor of CLARKE, the
magical violin of MOLLENHAUER, the elegance, convenience and comfort of
the theatre, the matchless memory of BOOTH'S Hamlet and Iago, and the
golden certainty of the coming of Rip Van Winkle. And every body is
supremely satisfied, and says to every body else, "This theatre needs
only a company, to be the foremost theatre of either continent."
MATADOR.
* * * * *
Remarks by Our Stammering Contributor.
The up-town theatrical sensation is, we hear, produced "regardless of
expense." We had reason to think that its managers would show more
Frou-frou-frugality.
* * * * *
[Illustration: PISCATORY DISCUSSION.
_Uncle Walton_. "THAR! DIDN'T I TOLE YER? KNOW'D HE COULDN'T KETCH NO
FISH WID DAT 'AR BUGGY-WHIP OF A THING!"
_Isaac_. "YAH! DON'T TALK!--WAIT TILL HE TURNS DAT 'AR CRANK, AND SEE IF
DE PEERCH DON'T COME A-WINDIN' IN!"]
* * * * *
COMIC ZOOLOGY.
THE MONKEY TRIBE.
Of this genus there are countless varieties, differing widely in the cut
of their monkey jackets, as the untravelled American naturalist will
doubtless have observed on traversing his native sidewalk. The educated
specimens met with in our cities are upon the whole well Organized, and
appear to have music in their soles. For its feats _à pied_, the tame
monkey is indebted to a Piedmontese who accompanies him.
To behold the monkey race in their glory, however, they must be seen in
their native woods, where they dwell in genteel independence, enjoying
their entailed estates and living on their own cocoa nuts. There will be
found the Gibbon, whose Decline and Fall when yielding the Palm to some
aspiring rival is swifter than that of the Roman Empire; the Barberry
Ape, so called from feeding exclusively on Barberries; the
Chimpanzee--an African corruption of Jump-and-see, the name given to the
animal by his first European discoverers in compliment to his alertness;
the Baboon, a melancholy brute that, as you may observe from his visage,
always has the blues; to say nothing of a legion of Red Monkeys, which
are particularly Rum Customers.
Some men of science have advanced the theory that man is the climactic
consequence of innumerable improvements of the monkey; the negro as he
now exists being the result of the Fifteenth Amendment. These
philosophers erect a sort of pyramid of progress, placing an Ape at the
base and a Caucasian at the Apex. This wild hypothesis of a monkey
apotheosis can of coarse only be regarded Jockolarly, in other words,
with a grin. Nevertheless the Marmozet is sufficiently like a little
Frenchwoman to be called a Ma'amoiselle, and there are (in New-Zealand
for instance) human heathen with a craving for the Divine, to whom the
Gorilla, though not a man, is certainly a brother. Possibly the Orang
Outang, if able to express his thoughts in an harangue, might say with
Mr. DICKENS, "I am very human." He certainly looks it.