Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870
V >>
Various >> Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870
As a politician I believe in myself first, my pocket second, my country
third. This platform is strong and satisfactory--at least to your friend,
TIMOTHY TODD.
* * * * *
ALBANY COCK-ROBINS.
Who killed the Charter?
I, says the _Herald_,
With wit _à la_ JERROLD.
As Assemblymen I ferruled,
And I killed the Charter.
Who killed the Charter?
I, says the _World_,
With my blunders hurled
And black flag unfurled,
And I killed the Charter.
Who killed the Charter?
I, says the _Sun_,
With my sensation fun,
Or my Sol-ferino gun,
And I killed the Charter.
Who killed the Charter?
I, says PUNCHINELLO,
With my wit so mellow,
I was the very fellow
Who killed off the Charter.
* * * * *
THE DWARF DEJECTED.
A pathetic recital for the benefit of you, or me, or any other snail who
may want a tortoise-shell.
In what year, or under what king Bezoman, lived he, no matter. Suffice it
to know he still survives.
Once he was happy!
Once, whene'er the eventide flooded the earth with effulgent glory, and
each little star began to wonder who I was, to the loftiest turret of his
quite commodious castle this dwarf would climb, and muse upon sciology and
the cosmic forces.
[Illustration]
"Oh! Life is joy--is peace to me!" would he cry, ever and anon.
And ever an anonymous owl would scream, "To whoo? To whoo?"
Upon one eventful eve he sat upon his turret.
Gazing around, he sprang upon his feet.
"What, ho!" he cried, as a glimmer of light shot across the surface of the
lake, "What, ho! A light in the ship-house! Tis the red light of danger! I
forbode."
Glancing around and beneath him, he perceived that the stucco was peeling
from his favorite turret. "Here is danger, indeed!" he said; and loudly
shouted for his ah! too dilatory servant to bring the ladder by which he
ascended and descended his lofty pinnacle. At last the servant came, and he
was a new and somewhat weighty waiter youth.
"Ah! big lad--!" then said the dwarf.
"I am glad, good sir," replied the boy.
"I would have the big ladder!" cried his master.
"I can't be gladder," said the boy.
The dwarf looked pityingly down upon the youth for several moments.
"Are you a natural-born fool?" said he.
The boy advanced to the edge of the roof, made a bow, placed one arm at
right angles before him, while the other hung by his side, and thus he sang
his song:
"I've never been to public school,
My vaccination did not take.
Perhaps I will grow up a fool;
But that my heart will never break.
I would not win in learning's race,
Nor e'er be rich and lose my looks;
I think that a small-pocked face
Is worse than e'en small pocket-books.
Then, didy fol, la, la, la, la!--"
"Stop!" cried the now enraged dwarf. "Begone! ere I, base boy! shall heave
the turret down."
"Certainly," replied the youth. "Big, ornary, base boy shall leave thee to
rot down. Oh! yes; of course, of course!" And away he went.
The Court fool came at last and let his master down.
"Oh! ho!" said he of the motley, as the dwarf came slowly down the ladder.
"Thou art now the first descendant of thy house."
The dwarf laughed, and fell the rest of the way. "No matter!" he cried,
rubbing his shins. "My house shall follow me. It shall come down too. I am
going to have it all built up anew."
"Bravo!" said the clown. "I thought you were too happy."
On the next day the door-bell of the castle rang, and soon a varlet came to
fast inform my lord the dwarf that in the parlor waited now a giant, and on
the card he gave his name was written, "S.T. Mate." The dwarf unto his
parlor quick repaired, and there, upon some dozen chairs the giant sat,
smiling benign.
"Hail to thee! good Sir Dwarf," spake the mammoth, and rising and folding
his arms across his breast, he sang, in royal bass, his song:
"I hear that thou, O neighbor brave!
Thy edifice anew would build.
I come to much vain labor save.
If thou to hear me now art willed."
"Proceed," said the dwarf, seating himself upon a piano-stool, and screwing
himself up until he was near the ceiling and on a level with the singer's
head. The giant proceeded:
"If thou shouldst build thy house thyself,
The cost thou surely ne'er would know;
But if I take the job, my friend.
You'll see where every cent will go."
"I like that," said the dwarf. "Pray sing some more."
"I'll tell you just what it will cost;
And all that you will have to do
Will be to travel for a time,
Whilst I your castle build anew."
"That's capital!" cried the delighted dwarf. "It would suit me exactly.
Warble me yet other wood notes wild."
The giant sang on:
"A castle such as you will want
Will cost you eighty pounds--or so.
I'll charge you nothing for my time;
You'll see where every cent will go."
[Illustration]
The dwarf revolved himself rapidly, and quickly reached the floor.
"The concert's over!" he cried, "and here's a check for eighty pounds.
Proceed! Tear down; construct! I leave tonight for foreign parts. Write me
when all is done. Adieu."
The interview terminated.
The clown, who had overheard this fair discourse, now left the castle; and
retiring to a secluded spot, where--a willow drooped sadly o'er the brook,
he laid him down and died.
The dwarf to foreign parts now hied, and when twelve months had passed, and
he had had no news of his grand castle, he returned home.
He found the castle finished--all but the roof and walls. The deep cellars,
with their marble copings just peeping 'neath the heavy mass of weeds that
clustered to their very edge, were dark and solemn. The sly fox slunk along
their passages, and grim serpents reared their heads from many a gloomy
corner.
The dwarf, he gazed in silence!
By heavy sighs his breast was heaven, and black thoughts made his soul like
Hades!
Anon he mounted in hot haste, and rode unto the giant's castle on the
distant hills. By sundown, the dwarf he saw on the horizon a great blue
mass, the sight of which did move his inmost being.
"It is his castle!" quoth he, and he gave his steed free rein.
The interview was terrible!
All the domestics fled and hid themselves in distant dells.
At last the dwarf, exhausted by vituperation, sank upon the flagstones of
the court-yard. Then folded the giant his arms and sang his song:
"Oh! hear me now, misguided dwarf,
Eight thousand pound more I must ask.
Materials, and labor too,
All rose since I began my task.
Among the things we can't divine.
Are values of such terms as 'so;'
But I've all items entered straight,
Where all the money goes you'll know."
The dwarf gave one quick savage glance at the pocket of the giant, S.T.
MATE, and then, without a word, he proudly crossed the drawbridge.
But he had not long left the castle at his back ere dejection crept upon
him and never left him more.
The dwarf he did his cellar reach, fainting, almost bereft of speech; and
as his men he staggered by, with panting breast and haggard eye,
"Minstrel!" he cried, "O laggard! I for deepest depths of Lethe long. Get
thy guitar and sing a song!"
The minstrel sang:
"O Estimate!
Thy name is great,
MEDUSA's head thou sure must own.
Do as we will,
Thy coming still
Turns all our hard-earned cash to stone."
The dwarf, now sunk in Lethe's mud, did snore; knowing the sign, the
minstrel then forbore.
[Illustration]
* * * * *
ODE TO THE MISSING COLLECTOR.
BY REGALIA REYNA.
Where are _you now_, MR. BAILEY?
We've been looking for you daily,
Sometimes sadly, sometimes gayly,
Ever since the week begun.
Loving you so dear as we do,
Doting on you, doubting for you,
Looking for you, longing for you,
Waiting for you, watching for you,
Fearing you have cut and run,
Ere your heavy task was done
In cigars, and snuff, and rum;
Spoiling for us lots of fun,
And racy items for _The Sun_,
In the seizure rows begun,
And the heavy raids to come.
Think of poor, forsaken KIRBY,
Think of honest-scented HARVEY!
Your desertion, J. F. BAILEY,
"Busts" our glorious Trinity;
Robs the law of subtlety,
Knocks our look for _moietie_,
Knocks that Jersey property!
So much whisky all set free:
Where is SHIELDS to get his fee?
Think of melancholy PUFFER,
What the aged CHILDS must suffer!
JOSHUA F., the noble buffer,
"Lost to sight, to memory dear,"
Think of energetic VAIL
Looking round to get his bail,
While you're riding on a rail,
Or on ocean gayly sail
For UNCLE BULL'S dominion!
How could you thus fly the track
With so many stores to "crack,"
And COLUMBUS at your back
To defy the whiskey pack
And popular opinion?
Whiskey "fellers" feeling badly,
Cigar-sellers smoking madly,
Bondsmen looking sorely, sadly,
If their signatures are clear,
If you will not cost them dear,
If in court they must appear
Mournfully, in doubt and fear.
Oh! you weak, unfeeling cuss,
To get them in this shocking muss;
How their pocket-books will rue it!
J.F.B., how _could_ you do it?
Are you putting for the West,
Did you take French leave for Brest,
Have you feathered well your nest,
Do you sweetly take your rest;
Say, whom _do_ you like the best--
COOK, or JENKS, or FULLERTON?
Would you, JOSH, believe it true,
At the moment, sir, when you
Waited for that verdict blue,
O'er the wires the message flew,
Paid or franked by BOUTWELL through:
"The gig is up; the cuss won't do.
Put the district Thirty-two
Under General PLEASANTON."
Oh! the vile ingratitude;
Of Statesmen in this latitude;
Worse than DELANO'S attitude.
Say, what is your longitude,
East or West from Washington?
* * * * *
"Fox"-y.
FECHTER'S wig in HAMLET.
* * * * *
"Echoes of the Clubs."
SOUND of the policemen's _batons_ on the sidewalk.
* * * * *
Over and Under.
INDIANA is said to be "going over" her divorce laws. She has certainly gone
long enough under them.
* * * * *
Our Bullet-in.
THE government has so many bad guns on hand that it deserves to be called,
"A snapper-up of unconsidered Rifles."
* * * * *
Every Little Helps.
THE British newspapers say that ARTHUR HELPS writes the PRINCE OF WALES'S
speeches. Now, if ARTHUR HELPS the Prince, who helps ARTHUR?
CONDENSED CONGRESS.
SENATE.
By particular request, the Georgia bill came up. So did Senator SCHURZ. He
approved of almost all propositions which tended to complicate questions,
because the more complication the more offices, the more offices the more
patronage, and the more patronage the more fees. He knew that it was an
alluring precedent which was offered them in the action of the legislature
of Georgia, retaining itself for double the term it was elected to serve.
But it was the duty of Congress to resist temptation. He used the word duty
advisedly. Gentlemen might sneer; but he could tell them that the public
would not stand the infliction of such a Senate as that which he saw before
him for a day longer than it was obliged to by law. By disregarding law, he
wished to know whether the laws would not be greater than the profits. He
admitted that this was a pun; but appealed to PUNCHINELLO upon the point of
the propriety of puns. Reform, he would say, was a "plant" of slow growth.
He had sown it; and his colleague, Mr. -----, had watered it; but it did
not seem to thrive in Missouri.
Mr. DRAKE, who has been studying elocution under a graduate of the Old
Bowery, and has acquired a most tragic croak, which, with a little rouge
and burnt cork, and haggard hair, gives him a truly awful aspect, remarked
that the soil of the South was clotted with blood by fiends in human shape,
(sensation in the diplomatic gallery.) The metaphor might be meaningless;
but it struck him it was strong. These fiends were doubly protected by
midnight and the mask. In his own State the Ku-Klux ranged together with
the fierce whang-doodle. His own life had been threatened. (Faint
applause.) He had received an express package marked in large letters,
"D.H." The President of the United States, an expert in express packages,
had told him this meant "Dead Head." Was this right? Hah! Bellud!! Gore was
henceforth his little game. He would die in his seat. (Great cheering,
which rendered the remainder of the senator's remarks inaudible.)
The case of the admission of General AMES as a senator from Mississippi
came up. Senator CONKLING said that he had no objection to AMES in
particular; but in Brigadier-General, he considered the principle of
letting in men who elected themselves to be bad. Notoriously, General AMES
did not live in Mississippi. He considered this rather creditable to
General AMES'S good sense than otherwise. But did it not operate as a
trivial disqualification against his coming here to represent Mississippi?
Besides, if generals were allowed to elect themselves, where would it end?
General AUGUR, he believed, commanded the Indian district. He would send
himself to the Senate from that region, and be howling about the Piegan
massacre and such outrages upon his constituents, with which the Senate had
been sickened already. In that case AUGUR, he grieved to say, would be a
Bore. Then there is CANBY, who commands in Virginia. CANBY would like to be
a senator, no doubt, like other people who never tried it; and he will be
if he CANBY. A distinguished friend of his in the other house, whom it
would be detrimental to the public service for him to name, if this
military representation were to be recognized, instead of sitting for a
district in Massachusetts, would represent Dutch Gap. They had already, in
his friend from Missouri, a representative of the German Flats; and he
submitted that a member from Dutch Gap would be two tonic for the body
politic.
Mr. HOWARD was in favor of the admission of AMES. He considered the
arguments of the last speaker paltry, and his puns beneath contempt. What
difference did it make whether AMES represented Mississippi or not?
Mississippi was disloyal, and didn't deserve to have any representative.
AMES was a good fellow, and a good officer. Besides, he had been through
West-Point and knew something. He understood he played a very fair game of
billiards, and he would be an ornament to the Senate. Let us let him in.
The Senate had already let in REVELS, who had been sent by AMES; and it was
absurd to keep out AMES, who was the master of the REVELS. He considered
that, in the language of a manly sport with which senators were familiar,
he "saw" Senator CONKLING'S puns, and went several better, though he did
not wish to be considered a better himself.
All this time, singular to say, Senator SUMNER remained silent.
HOUSE.
The House had a little amusement over polygamy in Utah. That institution
shocks Mr. WARD, of New-York, and naturally also Mr. BUTLER, of
Massachusetts. Mr. WARD was astonished to see any member standing up in
defence of polygamy in the nineteenth century. If some member should stand
up in any other century and defend it, it would not astonish him at all. It
was sheer inhumanity to refuse to come to the rescue of our suffering
brethren in Utah. How a man who had one wife could consent to see fellow-
creatures writhing under the infliction of two or three each, was what, Mr.
WARD remarked, got over him. Mr. BUTLER pointed out how much money the
Mormons had made.
Mr. Cox did not see why we should interfere by force to prevent a man's
marrying as many wives as he chose. Such a man was his own worst enemy; and
his crime carried its own punishment.
Mr. HOOPER, of Utah, said the bill was an outrage. By all the wives that he
held most sacred, he felt impelled to resent it. MOSES was a polygamist;
hence his meekness. If this sort of thing was continued, no man's wives
would be safe. His own partners would be torn from him, and turned out upon
the world. He scorned to select from among them. Take all or none.
* * * * *
THE MARRIAGE MARKET IN ROME.
The business of catching impecunious counts, of magnetizing bankrupt
marquises, and of plucking penniless princes, as practised by American
women, appears to absorb all the attention in Rome at present. The rage for
titles is said to be so great among some classes of Americans resident in
the Holy City, that the only song one hears at evening parties and
receptions is the one commencing,
"When I can read my title clear."
We should not be surprised any day to hear that a marriage market had been
opened on one of the plazas of Rome, the quotations of which would read
something after this fashion: Husbands dull and declining; American
beauties more active; foreign mammas less firm; American securities in
great demand; the market in princes somewhat stronger; holders of titles
much sought after; brains without money a drug in the market; "bogus"
counts at a discount; the genealogy market panicky and falling; the stock
of nobility rapidly depreciating; the pedigree exchange market flat and
declining, etc., etc. This traffic in titles, this barter in dowries, this
swapping of "blood" for dollars, is an offense too rank for words to embody
it. The trade in cadetships is mild in comparison with it, because in these
commercial transactions with counts, while one party may be the purchaser,
both parties are inevitably seen to be sold. The business may only be
excusable on the theory that "an even exchange is no robbery." But so long
as brains are not bartered for a title, or beauty sacrificed for a
pedigree, we should not complain. Of money, there is plenty in America;
and, while marquises are in the market, let Shoddy continue to pipe for its
own. A fig for Macbeth's philosophy that "blood will have blood." We modify
it in these degenerate days to "blood will have money:"
"Maidens, like moths, are ever caught by glare;
And Mammon wins his way where Seraphs might despair."
* * * * *
"The Lay of the Last Minstrel."
"SHOO FLY, don't bodder me."
* * * * *
"Benedict's Time."
THE honeymoon.
* * * * *
Homoeopathic Cure for Hydrophobia.
BARK.
* * * * *
Ode to my Washerwoman.
$2 50.
A.T. STEWART & CO.
ARE MAKING
_GREAT REDUCTIONS,_
In the Prices of the Goods
IN ALL THE DEPARTMENTS
OF THEIR
Retail Establishment,
NAMELY
SILKS, SATINS, VELVETS,
Dress Goods, Laces, Embroideries,
REAL INDIA CAMEL'S HAIR SHAWLS,
Ladies', Misses', and Children's
Walking-Suits, Reception-Dresses,
Morning-Robes, Undergarments,
INFANT'S WARDROBES,
Gentlemen's Furnishing Goods of every Description,
HOUSEKEEPING AND HOUSE-FURNISHING GOODS,
Linens, Sheetings, Damasks,
Damask Table-Cloths, Napkins,
Towels, Towelings,
Blankets. Flannels,
Quilts, Counterpanes, Carpets, Mats, Rugs,
ENGLISH AND AMERICAN OIL-CLOTHS
Upholstery Goods in Brocatelles,
Silk Terrys, Plain Satins, Figured
Cotelaines, Striped Reps,
Furniture Chintzes,
Etc., Etc., Etc.,
AT EXTREMELY LOW PRICES.
* * * * *
BROADWAY,
Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets,
* * * * *
The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be to speak a
foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce it correctly; and these
are the objects which are most carefully provided for in the MASTERY
SYSTEM.
The Mastery of Languages;
OR
THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES
IDIOMATICALLY.
BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST.
_I. Hand-Book of The Mastery Series.
II. The Mastery Series. French.
III. The Mastery Series. German.
IV. The Mastery Series. Spanish._
PRICE 50 CENTS EACH.
_From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute College._
"The results which crowned the labor of the first week were so astonishing
that he fears to detail them fully lest doubts should be raised as to his
credibility. But this much he does not hesitate to claim, that, after a
study of less than two weeks, he was able to sustain conversation in the
newly-acquired language on a great variety of subjects."
FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS.
"The principle may be explained in a line--it is first learning the
language, and then studying the grammar, and then learning (or trying to
learn) the language."--_Morning Star_.
"We know that there are some who have given Mr. Prendergast's plan a trial,
and discovered that in a few weeks its results had surpassed all their
expectations."--_Record_.
"A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced that the method
is sound."--_Papers for the Schoolmaster_.
"The simplicity and naturalness of the system are obvious."--_Herald_
(Birmingham.)
"We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the result in a
reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_.
FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS.
"The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child learns to
talk."--_Troy Whig_.
"We would advise all who are about to begin the study of languages to give
it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_.
"For European travellers this volume is invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_.
Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of the United
States on receipt of price.
D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers,
90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York.
* * * * *
RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
_Third Edition._
D. APPLETON & CO.,
90, 92, and 94 Grand Street,
Have now ready the Third Edition of
RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."
1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.
From the New-York _Evening Express_.
"This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents breathe the very
odor of the flower it takes as its title."
From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_.
"The author can and does write well; the descriptions of scenery are
particularly effective, always graphic, and never overstrained."
D.A. & Co. have just published:
A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE
RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND SPAIN.
By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.
REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A
DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE MOST INTERESTING.
by Louis Figuier. Illustrated with 907 wood-cuts. 1 vol. 8vo, $6.
HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES.
By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.
HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OP
LEARNING LANGUAGES.
I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES.
II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH.
III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN,
IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH.
Price, 50 cents each.
Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on receipt of the
price.
* * * * *
_An Absolutely Pure Article_.
THE
KNICKERBOCKER
Gin Company's
WORLD-RENOWNED
Double Distilled
B. & V.'s "ANCHOR" BRAND
OF
PURE
HOLLAND GIN,
FROM THEIR OWN DISTILLERY AT
LEIDEN. NEAR SCHIEDAM, HOLLAND.
This brand of liquor has obtained a great reputation, not only In Holland
but throughout Europe where it has been tested
IN THE MOST CELEBRATED
Chemical Institutions.
MILLIONS OF GALLONS
Have been sent to all parts of the world, and principally to the
EAST AND WEST INDIES, AUSTRALIA, AND
AFRICA,
Where it is used
In Preference to any other Brand known.
* * * * *
Orders will be received at their office,
No. 15 William Street,
For the above, and also for their other importations of
WINES,
BRANDIES,
CIGARS, Etc.,
Which they guarantee as to
PURITY AND GENUINENESS.
KNICKERBOCKER GIN CO.,
15 William Street,
NEW-YORK.
* * * * *
[Illustration: DAT'S WHAT'S DE MATTER. _Melodramatic Tonsor_. "Boss,
WHAT'S DE MATTER? WHAT DE BITTER CAUSE OF DAT PENSIB LEMENCHOLY?"
_Boss, (gloomily.)_ "AH! CAUSE 'NUFF. DE RIGHTS OB DE CULLID PUSSON IS
FORGOT, AND DE SIXTEENTH 'MENDMENT AND SUFFERIN' WOMAN RULES DE ROOST!"]
* * * * *
Harper's Periodicals.
Magazine. Weekly. Bazar.
_Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three._
An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied
gratis for every Club of Five Subscribers at $4 each, in one remittance;
or, Six Copies for $20.
* * * * *
HARPER'S CATALOGUE
May be obtained gratuitously on application to Harper & Brothers
personally, or by letter, inclosing six cents in postage-stamps.
_HARPER & BROTHERS, New-York_.
* * * * *
HENRY L. STEPHENS,
ARTIST,
No. 160 Fulton Street,
NEW-YORK.
Important to Newsdealers!
ALL ORDERS FOR
PUNCHINELLO
Will be supplied by
OUR SOLE ANB EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,
American News Co.