Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870
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Various >> Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870
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Vol. 1 No. 3.
PUNCHINELLO
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SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 1870.
PUBLISHED BY THE
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APRIL 16, 1870.
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PUNCHINELLO,
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THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
FROU-FROU.
[Illustration with letter 'T']
This nice little French drama has now been running at the FIFTH AVENUE
THEATRE more than seven weeks. It is the story of a man who killed the
seducer of his wife, and then forgave and received back again the guilty
woman.
The same tragic farce was played in Washington some eleven years ago.
The actor who played the part of the outraged husband made an effective
hit at the time, but he has never repeated the performance. Since then
he has become a double-star actor in a wider field, There are those who
insist that he is an ill-starred actor in a general way; but as he has
left the country, we can leave those who regard his absence as a good
riddance of bad rubbish, and those who call it a Madriddance of good
rubbish, to discuss his merits at their leisure.
After the execution of unnecessary quantities of noisy overture by the
orchestra, the play begins. Soon after, the audience arrives. It is a
rule with our play-goers never to see the first scene of any drama.
This rule originates in a benevolent wish to permit the actors to slide
gradually into a consciousness that somebody is looking at them; thus
saving them from the possibility of stage-fright. Simple folks, who do
not understand the meaning of the custom, erroneously regard it as an
evidence of vulgarity and discourtesy.
The first act is not exciting. Mr. G.H. CLARKE, in irreproachable
clothes, (the clothes of this actor's professional life become him, if
any thing, better than his acting,) offers his hand to FROU-FROU, a
small girl with a reckless display of back-hair, and is accepted, to the
evident disgust of her sensible sister, LOUISE.
_Sympathetic Young Lady who adores that dear Mr. Clarke_.--"How sweetly
pretty! Do the people on the stage talk just like the _real_ French
aristocracy?"
_Travelled friend, knowing that persons in the neighborhood are
listening for his reply_--"Well, yes. To a certain extent, that is."
(_It suddenly occurring to him that nobody can know any thing about the
Legitimists, he says confidently_.) "They haven't the air, you know, of
the genuine old Legitimist _noblesse_. As to BONAPARTE'S nobility, I
don't know much about them."
_He flatters himself that he has said a neat thing, but is posed by an
unexpected question from the Sympathetic Young Lady, who asks--_"Who are
the great Legitimist families, nowadays?"
"Well, the--the--(_can't think of any name but St. Germain, and so says
boldly_,) the St. Germains, and all the rest of 'em, you know." (_He is
sorely tempted to add the St. Clouds and the Luxembourgs, but prudently
refrains_.)
The second act shows the husband lavishing every sort of tenderness and
jewelry upon the wife, who is developing a strong tendency to flirt.
She insists that her sister LOUISE shall join the family and accept the
position of Acting Assistant Wife and Mother, while she herself gives
her whole mind to innocent flirtation.
_Worldly-wise Matron of evident experience_--"The girl's a fool. Catch
me taking a pretty sister into my house!"
_Brutal Husband of the Matron suggests_--"But she might have done so
much worse, my dear. Suppose she had given her husband a mother-in-law
as a housekeeper?"
_Matron, with suppressed fury_--"Very well, my dear. If you can't
refrain from insulting dear mother, I shall leave you to sit out the
play alone."
(_Sh--sh--sh! from every body. Curtain rises again_.) More attentions to
pretty wife, repaid by more flirtation at her husband's expense. Finally
FROU-FROU decides that LOUISE manages the household so admirably that
misery must be the result. As a necessary consequence of this logical
conclusion, she rushes out of the house with a gesture borrowed from RIP
VAN WINKLE, and an expressed determination to elope.
_Jocular Man remarks_--"Now, then, CLARKE can go to Chicago, get a
divorce, and marry LOUISE."
_This practical suggestion is warmly reprobated by the ladies who
overhear it, one of whom remarks with withering scorn_--"Some people
think it _so_ smart to ridicule every thing. To my mind there is nothing
more vulgar."
_The Jocular Man, refusing to be withered, assures the Travelled Man
confidentially that_--"The play is frightful trash, and as for the
acting, why, your little milliner in the Rue de la Paix could give MISS
ETHEL any odds you please." (_Both look as though they remembered some
delightfully improper Parisian dissipation, and in consequence rise
rapidly in the estimation of the respectable ladies who are within
hearing_.)
After the orchestra has given specimens of every modern composer, the
fourth act begins. FROU-FROU is found living at Venice with her lover.
Her husband surprises her. He is pale and weak; but, returning her the
amount of her dower, goes out to shoot the lover.
_Rural Person announces as a startling discovery_--"That's Miss AGNES
ETHEL who's a-playin' FROW-FROW. Well, now, she ain't nothin' to LYDDY
THOMPSON."
_Jocular Man says to his Travelled Friend_--"The idea of Miss ETHEL
trying to act like a French-woman! Did you hear how she pronounced
_Monsieur_?"
_Travelled Man smiles weakly, conscious of the imperfections of his own
pronunciation. To his dismay, the Sympathetic Young Lady asks_--"What
does that horrid man mean? How do you pronounce the word he talks
about?"
_Travelled Man, with desperation_--"It ought to be pronounced m--m--m--"
(_ending in an inaudible murmur_.)
"What? I didn't quite hear."
_The Travelled Man will catch at a straw. He does so, and says_--"Excuse
me, but the curtain is rising."
FROU-FROU, in a dying state and a black dress, with her back-hair neatly
arranged, is brought into her husband's house to die. He kneels at her
feet. "You must not die. I am alone at fault. Forgive me sweet angel,
and live." With the only gleam of good sense which she has yet shown,
FROU-FROU refuses to live, and dropping her head heavily on the arm of
the sofa, with a blind confidence that the thickness of her chignon will
save her from a fractured skull, she peremptorily dies.
_Subdued sobs from the audience, with the single exception of the
Jocular Man, who says_--"Well, if that's moral, I don't know what's
immoral; and I did think I had lived long enough in Paris to know that."
With which opinion we heartily coincide, adding also the seriously
critical remark that though Messrs. DAVIDGE and LEWIS play their comic
parts with honest excellence, and though Mr. CLARKE is really a good
actor in spite of his popularity with the ladies of the audience, Miss
ETHEL, upon whom the whole play depends, is so obviously incompetent to
personate a brilliant and _spirituelle_ Parisienne that one wonders at
the popularity of FROU-FROU. The majority of the audience are ladies.
Can it be that they like the play because it teaches that the sins of a
pretty woman should be condoned by her husband, provided she looks well
with her back-hair down?
MATADOR.
* * * * *
PUNCHINELLO AND THE ALDERMEN.
The City Aldermen have called in a body to pay their respects to
PUNCHINELLO. PUNCHINELLO has not returned the compliment, since he likes
neither their looks, their diamonds, or their diamond-cut-diamond ways.
They curb streets by resolution, but they have not resolution enough to
keep the streets from curbing them. They gutter highways, but oftenest
let Low Ways gutter them. They wear fine shirt-fronts, but resort
to sorry and disreputable shifts in order to procure them. They are
gorgeously and gorged-ly badged with the City Arms in gold, but no city
arms open to badger them with golden opinions; and, altogether, the
Aldermen pass so many bad things that PUNCHINELLO can afford to let
them pass like bad dimes, before they are nailed to the counter of that
Public Opinion to which they run counter.
* * * * *
Will the Aldermen Respond?
Do they who took up the SEWARD intend to perish by the SEWARD?
[Footer: Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.]
HINTS FOR THE FAMILY.
Since the first publication of the hints to economically disposed
families, PUNCHINELLO has received a great number of letters from all
parts of the country, cordially indorsing his course. One gentleman
writes that he has already saved enough money from the diminution in the
cost of his wife's pins (in consequence of her having adopted the plan
of keeping them stuck into a stuffed bag) to warrant him in subscribing
to this paper for a year. Many of the readers of our first number write
us that they now never take a meal except from a board, or a series of
boards, supported by legs, as PUNCHINELLO recommended. Highly encouraged
by this evidence of their usefulness, PUNCHINELLO hastens to offer
further advice of the same valuable character.
It may have been frequently noticed that all families require food at
certain intervals, generally three times a day, and in the case of
children even oftener. The cost of providing this food at the butcher,
baker, and provision shops is necessarily very great, and it is well,
then, to understand how a very good substitute for store-food may be
prepared at home. In order to make this preparation, procure from your
grocer's a quantity of flour--ordinary wheat flour--buying much or
little, according to the size of your family. This must then be placed
in a tin-pan, and mixed with water, salt, and yeast, according to taste.
If the mass is now placed by the fire, a singular phenomenon will be
observed, to which it will be well to draw the attention of the whole
family; old and young will witness it with equal surprise and delight.
The whole body of the soft mixture will gradually rise and fill (and
sometimes even overflow) the pan! When not in view by the household,
it will be well to cover the pan with a cloth, on account of dust
and roaches; but it must be observed that a soft and warm bedlike
arrangement will thus be formed, and if the family cat should choose to
make it her resting-place, the mixture will not rise.
After this substance is sufficiently light and spongy, it must be taken
out of the pan and worked up into portions weighing a few pounds each.
But it must _not be eaten_ in this condition, for it would be neither
palatable nor wholesome. It should be put in another pan and placed in
the oven. Then (if there be a fire in the stove or range) it will be
soon hardened and dried by the action of the heat, and will be fit to be
eaten--provided the foregoing conditions have been perfectly understood.
When brought to the table, it should be cut in slices and spread with
molasses, jelly, butter, or honey, and it will be found quite adequate
to the relief of ordinary hunger. A family which has once used this
preparation will never be content without it. Some persons have it at
every meal.
PUNCHINELLO has read with great pleasure a recently published book, by
CATHARINE BEECHER, and her sister Mrs. STOWE, the object of which is
to teach ingenious folks how to make ordinary articles of household
furniture in their leisure hours. One article not mentioned by these
ladies is recommended by PUNCHINELLO to the attention of all economical
families. It having been observed that it is a highly useful practice to
provide for the regular recurrence of meals, bedtime and other household
epochs, an instrument which shall indicate the hour of the day will be
of the greatest advantage. Such a one may thus be made on rainy days or
in the long winter evenings. Procure some thin boards and construct a
small box. If it can be made pointed at one end, with two little towers
to it, so much the better. Make a glass door to it, and paste upon the
lower part of this a picture representing a scene in Spanish Germany.
Paint a rose just under the scene. Then get a lot of brass cog-wheels,
and put them together inside of the box. Arrange them so that they shall
fit into each other and wrap a string around one of them, to the end of
which a lump of lead or iron should be attached. Then put a piece of
tin, with the hours painted thereon, on the upper part of the box,
behind the door, and get two long bits of thin iron, one shorter than
the other, and connect them, by means of a hole in the middle of the
tin, with the cog-wheels inside. Then shut the door, and if this
apparatus has been properly made, it will tell the time of day. Any
thing more convenient cannot be imagined, and the cost of the brass, by
the pound, will not be more than fifteen cents, while the wood, the tin,
and the iron may be had for about ten cents. In the shops the completed
article would be very much more costly.
In his "Hints" PUNCHINELLO always desires to remember the peculiar needs
of the ladies, and will now tell them something that he is sure will
please them. They have all found, in the course of their shopping, that
it is exceedingly difficult to procure at the dry goods stores, any sort
of fabric which is so woven as to fit the figure, and they must have
frequently experienced the necessity of cutting their purchases into
variously-shaped pieces and fastening them together again by means of a
thread. Here is an admirable plan for accomplishing this object. Take a
piece of fine steel wire and sharpen one end of it. Now bore a hole in
the other end, in which insert the thread. If the edges of the cloth are
now placed together, and the wire is forced through them, the operator
will find, to her delight and surprise, that the thread will readily
follow it. If the wire is thus passed through the stuff, backward and
forward, a great many times, the edges will be firmly united. It will
be necessary, on the occasion of the first puncture, to form a hard
convolution at the free end of the thread, so as to prevent it passing
entirely through. This method will be found much more convenient than
the plan of punching holes in the stuff and then sticking the ends
of the thread through them. In the latter case, the thread is almost
certain to curl up, and cause great annoyance.
* * * * *
Dies Irę.
The Philadelphia _Day_, on account of the immense success of
PUNCHINELLO.
* * * * *
Sporting Query.
Was the fight between the "blondes" and STOREY of Chicago a Fair fight?
* * * * *
Prospect of a Short Water Supply Next Summer.
A convention of milk dealers met this week at Croton Falls to prevent
the adulteration of milk by City dealers.
* * * * *
LATEST FROM WASHINGTON.
Commissioner Piegan, of Montana, submits the outline of a treaty with
the Indians, which embraces the following provisions, (the embracing of
provisions being strictly in character:)
1. No infant under three months of age, and no old man over one hundred
and ten, to be killed by either party in battle.
All women to be killed on sight.
Where the small-pox is raging, the field to be left to the Small-Pox.
2. Presents to Indians to consist chiefly of arms, ammunition, and
whisky.
3. Liquor-sellers and apostles to be encouraged on equal terms.
4. Amateur sportsmen to be warned against killing Indians during the
breeding season.
5. Quakers and VINCENT COLLYER to be assigned to duty at Washington.
6. Four months' notice to be given of any intended attack on a White
camp.
7. In scalping a lady, the rights of property in waterfall and switch to
be sacredly regarded.
8. Declarations of love (during a campaign) to be submitted in writing.
9. The usual atrocities to be observed by both parties.
10. Hostilities to terminate when the last Indian lays down his
tomahawk, (to take a drink,) unless sooner shot by his white brethren,
or removed to a new reservation by the small-pox.
Action on this treaty is expected to take place in about ten years.
[Illustration: RATHER PERSONAL. _Ardent Lover._ "THEN, WHY, OH! WHY, DO
YOU SCORN MY HAND?" _Young Lady._ "I HAVE NO FAULT TO FIND WITH YOUR HAND,
BUT I _do_ OBJECT TO YOUR FEET."]
A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR.
IT is now settled that PIERRE BONAPARTE, who has been sentenced by the
High Court of Tours to leave France, is coming to New-York with the
intention of opening a pistol-gallery in partnership with REDDY the
Blacksmith. As the Prince is known to have "polished off" at least four
men with his revolver, his reception by the occupants of "Murderer's
Block" and other famous localities of the city will doubtless be very
enthusiastic. A suite of apartments is now being fitted up for his
accommodation in East-Houston Street--The rooms are very tastefully
decorated with portraits of the late lamented BILLY MULLIGAN and other
celebrated knights of the trigger. The Prince, it is understood, will
drop his title on his arrival here, and enter society as plain PETER
BONAPARTE--thus Englishing PIERRE, because it is French for stone, and
he thinks that his exploits entitle him to take rank in New-York as a
Brick.
* * * * *
The Beginning and Ending of a Chicken's Life. HATCHET.
* * * * *
The Best Envelope for a Sweet Note. "CANARY laid."
* * * * *
WOMAN, PAST AND PRESENT.
DR. LORD, in a lecture lately delivered by him in Boston, on PHILIPPA,
the mother of the BLACK PRINCE, (who was a white woman,) told about
JANE, Countess of MONTFORT, (you all know who _she_ was,) and how She
once defended a fortress and defied a phalanx with eminent success. Of
her the lecturer said,
"Clad in complete armor, she stood foremost in the breach."
She did that, did she, this JANE of old? Tut, sir! that's nothing to our
modern JANES, crowds of whom are now yearning to stand "foremost in the
breeches."
* * * * *
A Bill that the Young Democracy Couldn't Settle. BILL TWEED.
* * * * *
Cool.
ENGLAND has a Bleak house, but New-York has a Bleecker street.
* * * * *
A SOROSIAN IMPROMPTU.
One of the sisters of Sorosis, at the last meeting of the club, was
delivered of the following touching "Impromptu on some beautiful
bouquets of flowers:"