Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870
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Various >> Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870
CHEERFUL FOR SHOEMAKERS.
WESTON'S great Feat.
* * * * *
[Illustration: OUR MUSEUM OF THE FUTURE
_Learned Professor._ "THESE ARE THE RESTORED REMAINS OF A NOBLE CREATURE
LONG SINCE EXTERMINATED BY THE SAVAGES OF PESTILENT INSECTS KNOWN AS
POLY TICKS."]
* * * * *
DESULTORY HINTS AND MAXIMS FOR ANGLERS.
When you see "excellent trouting in a romantic mountain district"
advertised in the papers, go somewhere else.
On arriving where you have reason to believe trout exist, inquire of
some rural angler which are the best brooks, and fish exclusively in
those he runs down.
In making a cast, throw your line as far as you can. The biggest fish
are usually obtained from the long Reaches.
Never angle under a blistering sun, nor with Spanish flies.
Keep as far as possible from the brook. If the trout see you they will
connect you with the rod, in which case you will find it difficult to
connect them with the line.
Many anglers fish up stream, but the surest way to secure a mess of
trout is with the Current.
Take some agreeable stimulant with you to the water-side. You will find
it a great assistance when Reeling in.
One of the best places for obtaining the speckled prey is under a
Waterfall--but you needn't mention this fact to the ladies.
When a brook divides among the trees, angle in the main stream, not in
the Branches.
In playing a trout under the willows, be very careful, or you may get
Worsted among the Osiers.
When you land a two-pound trout (which you never will,) double the
weight, else what's the use of having a Multiplier.
If you wish to take anything heavy you must walk right into the water.
The regular Sneezers are generally caught in this way.
The experienced angler goes forth expecting nothing, and is rarely
disappointed.
Superstitious Piscators have great faith in the Heavenly Signs, but
often fail to find a Sign of a Fish under the fishiest sign of the
Zodiac.
Avoid water-courses infested with saw-mills. These dammed streams seldom
contain many trout.
To jerk a fish out of the water with a wire is even more despicable than
political wire-pulling.
A rod should never consist of more than three sections, and the angler
should look well to his joints after a wetting, as they are apt to swell
and stiffen in the Sockets.
Rise early if you would have good sport. Should you feel sleepy
afterwards, the river has a Bed that you can easily get into.
Catching trout is strictly a summery pleasure, and when indulged in at
any other season should be visited by Summary punishment.
There are numerous treatises on angling, but in "JOHN BROWN'S Tract" the
youthful Piscator will find the best of Guides.
It often happens that trout do not begin to bite till late in the day,
in which case it is advisable to make the most of the _commencement de
la Fin._
As the culture of fish is now engaging the attention of philanthropists,
it is probable that the superior varieties will hereafter be found in
Schools, where, of course, the Rod will be more profitably employed than
in Whipping (under present circumstances,) "the complaining brooks that
keep the meadows green."
* * * * *
LOVE IN A BOARDING-HOUSE.
Miss SARAH SAGOE'S boarding-house--I recommend her steaks;
Two plates of pudding she allows, and--oh! what buckwheat cakes!
We're all so very fond of them, (we deprecate the grease,)
But we'd a greater fondness for Miss SARAH SAGOE'S niece.
In heavenly blue her eyes surpassed--the milk; "her teeth were pearl."
That's BROWN! Poetic genius, BROWN, (devoted to that girl.)
JOE TROTT to flowers took; SAWTELL, and PETERS to croquet;
GREEN thrumbed guitar; while as for me, I sighed and pined away.
Not one but lost his appetite--at no less price for board.
Meanwhile this heartless ARABELLE, by all of us adored,
Gives out that she's to marry a rich broker from New York;
We heard the news at dinner--down dropped each knife and fork.
We're glad our eyes are open now, though every one's a dupe,
'Tis queer we didn't see before how she dipped up the soup;
And, now I think it over, I wonder man could wish
To win that hand unmerciful that so harpooned the fish.
"That vulgar girl," as JOE TROTT says, "a helpmeet fine will make"--
She never failed to help herself most handsomely to steak;
The pudding holds out better now that she is gone away--
And it's consolation precious that I've not her board to pay.
* * * * *
[Illustration:
THE WEDDING RING AGAIN.
AS PUNCHINELLO WOULD HAVE IT WORN.
(_Suggested by an Indignant Sister of Sorosis._)]
* * * * *
THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
[Illustration 'M']
Manager DALY found _Frou Frou_ so popular, that he has given us a second
dose of M. SARDOU'S Dramatic Mixture, three times stronger than the
first, and warranted to restore the moral tone of all repentant Pretty
Waiter Girls. The label borne by the new Mixture is "_Fernande_," but as
"CLOTILDE," and not "FERNANDE," is the principal ingredient, the name is
obviously ill-selected. Though the materials were imported from the
celebrated Parisian laboratory of M. SARDOU, the Mixture in its present
form was prepared "_in vacuo_" by two dramatic chemists of this city,
and ought properly to bear their name. As compared with _Frou Frou_, it
is much more palatable, and far more powerful, and there is no reason to
suppose that it contains anything deleterious to the moral health of the
play-goer. An analysis made by order of PUNCHINELLO shows that it
consists of the following materials, combined in the following
proportions:
ACT I.--_Scene, a Gambling-House. Enter_ M. POMMEROL, _a benevolent
lawyer._
POMMEROL. "I am a lawyer with an enormous practice. Having nothing
whatever to do, I came here to find FERNANDE, the pretty waiter girl.
Here comes my cousin CLOTILDE. She is an angel of virtue and the
mistress of my friend ANDRE. What can she want here?"
CLOTILDE. "My carriage has just run over a young girl, who lives here.
As the horses trampled upon her for some time, I came to see if she had
sustained any inconvenience."
POMMEROL. "CLOTILDE, this girl is named FERNANDE. She is as bad as she
can well be, therefore I implore you to take her home with you and adopt
her. Will you do it?"
CLOTILDE. "Of course I will. Who could refuse such a trifling request!
But look, here come the people of the house."
_Enter various gamblers and disreputable women, who conduct themselves
with appropriate freedom from the restraints of conventionality._
FERNANDE, _who is too lachrymose to be a cheerful feature, is wisely
placed on guard at the outer door. The company proceed to play at faro,
the bank being the loser. There is a false alarm of police, and the game
is suddenly stopped. The Banker, being naturally indignant, attempts to
relieve his mind by punching_ FERNANDE's _head. Heroic interference by_
POMMEROL, _and consequent tableau. Curtain._
SATIRICAL PERSON, _to one of the ushers._ "Will you tell me what street
this house is in?"
USHER. "Twenty-fourth street, sir."
SATIRICAL PERSON. "All right. You see I came up in a University Place
car, and I was beginning to think, after having seen that last scene,
that I had made a mistake, and gone down town instead of up town."
RESPECTABLE LADY, _to female friend._ "Isn't it shockingly improper! But
then it is so interesting, and it is really one's duty to know how those
creatures conduct themselves when they are at home."
ACT II.--_Scene,_ CLOTILDE's _Garden._ CLOTILDE _soliloquizes as
follows:_
CLOTILDE. "I have adopted FERNANDE and shall call her MARGUERITE. ANDRE
has deceived me, and I will test his love at once." (_Enter_ ANDRE.)
CLOTILDE. "ANDRE, I think we have made a mistake in fancying ourselves
in love. Would you like to leave me?"
ANDRE. "My dearest friend, I really think I should. You see I have just
fallen in love with an innocent little angel. By Jove! there she is.
Tell me her name."
CLOTILDE. "That is MARGUERITE, a protegé of mine. You shall marry her.
Go and make love to her." (_He goes._)
CLOTILDE. "The base wretch deserts me. I will proceed to become a
tigress. I will marry him to FERNANDE, and then tell him what a base
wretch she is. We'll see how he will like that. He thinks her innocent!
Ha! ha! (_Aside._--On reflection she is innocent according to this
version of the play; but SARDOU told the truth about her, and I will act
on the supposition that she is a wretch.) That will be a fit revenge,
and I can't do better than rave about it for a while." (_Raves
accordingly until the curtain falls._)
COLD-BLOODED CRITIC. "I have never seen a finer piece of acting than
that of Miss MORANT in the last scene. But then her revenge becomes
absurd when you reflect that FERNANDE is just what ANDRE fancies her, an
innocent girl. That is a fair specimen of the way in which American
writers adapt French plays. They sacrifice probability to prudery."
FASHIONABLE LADY. "How sweetly penitent FERNANDE looks in her black
dress. I hope she will be innocent enough to wear white in the next act.
One shouldn't give way to repentance or grief for too long a time. Now
when my husband died I was in the deepest grief for six months, and then
slipped into half mourning so gradually that no one noticed the change."
ACT III. FERNANDE _and_ CLOTILDE _are discovered discussing the question
of_ FERNANDE's _wedding outfit._
FERNANDE. "But does ANDRE know how naughty I behaved when I was an
innocent girl in a gambling-house?"
CLOTILDE. "He does, my dear, but you mustn't speak of it to him,"
FERNANDE. "I will write to him then, and confess all. There isn't
anything to confess, but still I am determined to confess it."
CLOTILDE. "Write if you choose. (_Aside._ I will put the letter in a
lamp-post box, so that he will never get it. On second thought I will
keep it. Some day I might want to use it.")
FERNANDE _writes the letter and_ CLOTILDE _confiscates it._ ANDRE,
POMMEROL _and a variety of people come and go and talk of a variety of
things. Finally_ FERNANDE _and_ ANDRE _are led out to marriage, and the
dread ceremony is perpetrated. Curtain._
The fourth act opens with a pleasant family party at the house of the
newly married couple. The company play at that singular game of cards so
popular on the stage, in which everybody plays out of turn, and nobody
ever takes a trick. Finally they all go to bed except ANDRE, who goes to
sleep in his chair, as is doubtless the custom with newly-married
Frenchmen. Presently CLOTILDE enters through a secret door and wakes him
up.
ANDRE. "My dear CLOTILDE, you really mustn't. Think what my wife would
say. So innocent an angel would suspect there was something wrong in
your visiting me at midnight."
CLOTILDE. "Base villain, you have deserted me. Now I am revenged. Your
wife was once a pretty waiter-girl and her name is FERNANDE. Call her
and ask her if I speak the truth." (_He calls her._)
ANDRE. "Is your name FERNANDE? Ah, I see by the disorder of your back
hair that CLOTILDE's story is too true. Wretched girl, why did you not
tell me all before I married you?"
FERNANDE. "Spare me. I was a pretty waiter-girl, but I wrote you a
letter and confessed my innocence."
(_She faints on a worsted ottoman, while her husband raves like an_
OTTOMAN _who has been worsted in a difficulty with an intruder into his
harem.) Enter_ POMMEROL.
POMMEROL. "She speaks the truth. Here is her written confession. I took
it out of CLOTILDE's pocket. I will read it." (_Reads it._)
FERNANDE. "You hear it? I confessed all my innocence. If you did not get
it, blame the post-office authorities, but do not throw the poker at
me."
ANDRE. "FERNANDE! My love! My wife! Come back, and I will forgive your
innocence!" (_Tableau._) _Curtain._
RESPECTABLE MATRON. "Well, I will say that of all indecent plays this is
the worst. It isn't half as nice as that pretty _Frou-Frou_. The idea of
that miserable ANDRE forgiving such a hussy as his wife!"
From which virtuous and venomous opinion the undersigned begs to differ.
The play is simply superb, in spite of the faults of the translation. It
is shocking only to the most prurient of prudes; and in point of
morality is infinitely better than _Frou-Frou_. And then it is played as
it ought to be. Miss MORANT is magnificent, Mr. LEWIS is immensely
funny, and Messrs. CLARKE and HASKINS are equal to whatever is required
of them. If _Frou-Frou_ ran a hundred nights, _Fernande_ ought to run
five hundred. And that it may is the sincere hope of
MATADOR.
* * * * *
A NEW MUSICAL SENSATION.
It is stated that the Oneida Indians have organized a cornet band. This
new combination of Copper and brass will doubtless have a very pleasing
effect.
* * * * *
THE WATERING PLACES.
PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.
Last week Mr. PUNCHINELLO took a run over to Saratoga. He bought
DISRAELI'S new novel to read in the cars, and he very soon made up his
mind that if the book correctly described the tone of society in
England, it is safe to say that it is low there.
Reaching the town of merry Springs and doleful Swallows, Mr. P. went
straight to the house of the good LELANDS. When he got there he was
amazed--he couldn't believe that that grand palace was the old "Union."
But he soon reflected that it was the fashion, now-a-days, to
reconstruct old Unions of every kind, and so it wasn't so surprising to
his mind after he had got through with his reflections. But he couldn't
help hoping that the fellows down at Washington, who were also at work
on an old Union, would turn out as good a job as the LELANDS had. As
soon as he got inside, Mr. P. summoned his friend WARREN, that they
might consult together about his accommodations. There were plenty of
vacant rooms, but Mr. P. made up his mind that he would prefer to take
one of those delightful cottages in the court-yard. One of these was so
much more gorgeous than the others, that Mr. P. chose it on the spot.
"Ah!--yes--" quoth the gentle WARREN, "I should be delighted, I'm sure,
but that cottage is reserved especially for the Empress EUGENIE, who,
you know, is expected here daily."
"Indeed!" said Mr. P. "If she is coming so soon, I could not, of course,
keep it very long. So tell me, my good friend, for what trifling sum
will you let me have this cottage till the Empress comes?"
Mr. LELAND gazed earnestly at Mr. P., and asked him what he thought of
the Chinese question; and whether he believed that this would be a good
year for corn. Then Mr. P. struck a bargain for a back-room in the
seventh story of the right-hand tower.
Early the next morning Mr. P., like a conscientious man as he is, went
to drink of the waters of the place. He had a strong belief, based upon
experience, that he would not fancy any of the old springs, and so he
tried a new one--the "Geyser."
Mr. P. stayed a good while at the Geyser. There happened to be a young
lady there who insisted upon helping him to the water with her own lily
hands--the boy might dip it up, but she _must_ hand it to him--and she
had such a way with her that he drank fifty-one glasses. When he came
back to the hotel, and the good WARREN asked him what was the matter, he
merely remarked:
"I'm a quiz, LELAND. If you choose, you may call me a Guy, sir."
Mr. P. got himself analysed that day by Dr. ALLEN, and he was found to
consist principally of carbonate of Lime; Silicate of Potassa; Iodide of
Magnesia; and Chloride of Sodium; with a strong trace of Sulphate of
Strontia.
At night, however, he was able to attend the hop in the grand saloon.
For a time Mr. P. danced with one girl right along. A pretty girl she
was, too, and the style of her dress showed very plainly that it was
EUGENIE she was hoping to see at Saratoga, and not Madame OLLIVIER.
Well, she had not danced with Mr. P. more than a couple of hours when
she left him for a Pole--one of these wandering Counts that you always
see at such places--a regular hop-Pole, in fact. Mr. P. got very angry
at this insult, and if he had had his way he would have had the fellow
partitioned off--like his beloved country. He was so wrathy, indeed,
that when the hop was over he started on an Arctic expedition, but he
had the same luck as KANE, HALL, and the other fellows.
He never saw that Pole.
After this, Mr. P. thought he would keep away from the ladies--but it
was of no use to think. There is a _something_ about Mr.
PUNCHINELLO--but it matters not--suffice it to say that he went out
buggy riding the next day with ANNA DICKINSON on the Lake road. The
horse he drove had belonged to LEONARD JEROME--he was out of "Cash" by
"Thunder," and he had sold him to the livery-man here. He was called a
"two-forty," but when he began to go, Mr. P. was of the opinion that a
musician would have considered his style entirely too _forte_. They had
not ridden more than half way to BARHYTE'S, before Mr. P. began to feel
his arm bones coming out. But the "Princess of the Platform" was
delighted.
"Why, you're a capital fellow, Mr. PUNCHINELLO," she cried. "There's
nothing slow or fogeyish about you. You ought to be on the _Revolution_,
now that TILTON is putting live people there."
"I shall be a tiltin' myself, and on a revolution too," said Mr. P., "if
this confounded horse don't slack up."
"Why, what do you mean?" said Miss D.
"I mean we shall upset," said he.
"He's got his head too much your side," screamed Miss D. "Hadn't you
better pull on the left string?"
"No, I hadn't," yelled Mr. P., as the horse commenced to run.
"But _I_ think you had," cried she. "Don't you believe that women are
naturally as capable of understanding and determining what laws will be
as equitable, and what measures as effective to those ends, as men?"
"No, I don't!" cried Mr. P., sawing away at the horse's mouth, and
beginning to make a little impression upon it.
"You should pull that left leather string!" she cried again. "Don't I
know? How dare you make sex a ground of exclusion from the possession
and exercise of equal rights!" and with this, she made a grab at the
left rein.
It is of no use entering into further particulars of this ride. Towards
evening, Mr. P. and his companion returned to Saratoga and delivered to
the livery-man his equipage--that is, what was left of it.
That evening, Mr. P. was sitting in his room, very busy over a new
conundrum for his paper. He had got the answer all right, but to save
his life, he could not get a question to suit it. While he was thus
puzzling his brains, there came a knock at the door, and to him entered
the Hon. JOHN MORRISSEY.
"Good evenin', P.," says JOHN, taking, at the same time, a seat, and one
of Mr. P.'s _Partagas_. "I want you to do something for me."
"And what is it?" said Mr. P., with a benevolent smile.
"Why, you see," said the Hon. JOHN, "I'm very busy just now--the
commencement of the season, you know--and I would like you to serve in
my place for a while."
"Why, Congress will soon adjourn now!" said Mr. P.
"Oh, yes!" said MORRISSEY, "but I'm on a committee which must serve in
the recess. Me and BILL KELLEY are the two chaps appointed as a
committee to weigh all the pig-iron that has been imported in the last
year, and to see if the gover'ment hasn't been swindled, in either the
deal or the play. Now you see that ain't in my line at all, and as soon
as I heard you were here, I thought you were the man to take my place."
"I'm sorry," said Mr. P., "but really, JOHN, I haven't the time. It's a
sort of committee of ways and means, isn't it?"
"Well," said JOHN, "a fellow weighs, that's true; and the whole business
is mean enough. But if you can't take hold of it, we'll say no more
about it. Come on down with me to my place and have some supper."
"Your place!" said Mr. P. "Have you a place here?"
"Yes, _sir_," said the Congressman, "a bully club-house, and it's paid
for too; and if you'll come along I'll give you a hearty welcome and
some good cigars--and not dime ones, either," added he, throwing away
the greater part Mr. P.'s _Partaga_.
The personal property of Mr. PUNCHINELLO consisted principally of U. S.
5.20 coupon bonds of 1868; Chicago and Northwestern--preferred; Hannibal
and St. Joseph--1st mortgage bonds; a heavy deposit of bullion, mostly
gold bars; and Ashes in inspection ware-house, both pots and pearls.
When, early the next morning, he left the club-house of his friend, the
Congressman, he was still the proud owner of his Ashes--both pots and
pearls.
Saratoga is too expensive a place for a long sojourn, and Mr. P. left
the next day.
* * * * *
COMIC ZOOLOGY.
ORDER, PACHYDERMATA.--THE RHINOCEROS.
There are several species of the Rhinoceros, some of which have one
horn, like a Unicorn, others two, like a Dilemma. All the varieties are
as strictly vegetarian as the late SYLVESTER GRAHAM, but their fondness
for a botanic diet may be ascribed to instinct, rather than reflection,
as they are not ruminating animals. The most formidable of the tribe is
the Black Rhinoceros of Equatorial Africa, which is particularly
dangerous when it turns to Bay. Though dull of eye and ear, this
ponderous beast will follow a scent with wonderful tenacity, and the
promptness with which it makes its tremendous charges has earned for it,
among European hunters, the sobriquet of the "Ready Rhino." The fact
that the Black Rhinoceros is armed with two horns, while most of the
white species have but one, may perhaps account for the greater
viciousness of the former--it being generally admitted that the most
ferocious of all known monsters are those which have been furnished with
a plurality of horns. This is the position taken by the famous New
England naturalist, NEAL DOW, in his dissertations on that destructive
Eastern pachyderm, the Striped Pig, and it seems to be fully borne out
by the history of the great Scriptural Decicorn, as given by the
inspired Zoologist, ST. JOHN.
We learn from Sir SAMUEL BAKER and other Nimrods of the Ramrod who have
hunted up the Nile, that herds of the Black Rhinoceros are pretty
thickly sprinkled throughout the whole extent of the Nilotic basin, and
especially near the great watershed which forms the primary source of
the mysterious river. The natives of that region universally regard the
creature as a Rum customer, and not having the requisite Spirit to face
it boldly, they set Gins under the Tope trees, at the places where it
comes to drink, and thus effect its destruction.
As the Rhinoceros, whatever its species, seeks the densest covert, and
its hide is almost impenetrable, it is a difficult animal to bag. Its
peltry being of about the same consistency and thickness as the
vulcanized India Rubber used in cushioning billiard tables, balls often
rebound from it without producing a score. This difficulty may, however,
be obviated--according to Sir SAMUEL BAKER--by firing half-pound shells
from the shoulder, with a rifle of proportionate size, and if the
Sporting Bulletins of that enterprising traveller are not shots with the
long bow, he carried the war into Africa to some purpose, not
unfrequently bagging his Baker's dozen of Rhinoceroses in the course of
forty-eight hours. The African and the Asiatic species bear a general
resemblance to each other, although probably, if placed side by side,
points of difference would be observed between them.
It is a disputed question among Biblical commentators whether the
Rhinoceros or the Hippopotamus is the Behemoth of Scripture, but as the
Rhinoceros feeds on furze and the Hippopotamus does not, it would seem
that the terminal syllable "moth" more properly applies to the latter.
As numerous fossil remains of the animal have been found from time to
time in the Rhenish provinces of Germany, it is supposed by some
archaeologists that prior to the Noachian Deluge its principal habitat
was the Valley of the Rhine, where it was known as the Rhine-horse. The
"horse," it is alleged, was subsequently corrupted into "hoss,"
whereupon the lexicographers, uncertain which of the two renderings was
the true one, called it in their vocabularies the "Rhine horse or hoss,"
and thence the present still more senseless corruption, "Rhinoceros."
This is, of course, mere theory, but it is supported by the well
authenticated parallel case of the Nylghau--more properly Nile
Ghaut--which derived its name from the singular fact that it was never
seen by any human being in the neighborhood of the Ghauts of the Nile.
Although the Nile has such a fishy reputation that stories from that
source are generally taken _cum grano salis_, or profanely characterised
(see Cicero) as "_Nihil Tam incredible_," the above statement in
relation to the Nylghau will not be seriously disputed by any well
informed naturalist.
The general aspect of the Rhinoceros is that of a hog in armor on a
grand scale. The males of the genus are called bulls, but they are more
like boars, with the tusk inverted and transferred by Rhino-plastic
process to the nose. When enraged, the animal exalts its horn and
trumpets like a locomotive, whereupon it is advisable to give it the
right of way, as to face the music would be dangerous.