Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870
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Various >> Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 15, July 9, 1870
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SIC SEMPER E PLURIBUS, ETC.
Oh, Star-spangled Banner! once emblem of glory,
And guardian of freedom and justice and law,
How bright in the annals of war was thy story!
_Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
Time was when the nations beheld thee and trembled,
Though now they assure us they don't care a straw
For wrath which they say is but poorly dissembled;
_Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
They _know_ our best ships are dismantled or rotten,
_We_ know that they'll soon be abolished by law,
And FARRAGUT'S triumphs are nearly forgotten;
_Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
The soldiers whose best days were spent in our service--
Whose manhood we claimed as our right by the law,
As paupers must die, since their cost would unnerve us;
_Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
We look for respect in the eyes of the nations,
And man our defences with soldiers of straw,
To save for vile uses their pay and their rations;
_Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
With armies reduced, and the ghost of a navy,
Of course we must trust to our ancient _éclat_;
Economy now is the cry, we must save a
Few millions for thieves to steal--_unum go bragh!_
"_Sun_" DANA may bluster as much as he pleases--
Our friend, Mr. FISH, is sustained by the law,
And old Mr. BENNETT just bellows to tease us;
_Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
There's LOGAN, who once had the heart of a hero--
Alas! that same heart is now only a craw,
And its vigor has sunk away down below Zero;
_Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
His action has sadden'd the hearts of more freemen
Than fought under GRANT in defence of the law;
Well--well--never mind--we can boast of our women;
_Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
The people may some day awake to the notion
That statesmen can tamper too much with the law,
And send them to regions less genial than Goshen;
_Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
* * * * *
[Illustration: OUR NURSERY-MAIDS.
_Julia._ (_Who has been cautioned not to leave the private park on any
account_.) "WHICH WAY NOW, MARY ANN?"
_Mary Ann._ "TO THE MILLINER'S. AND YOU?"
_Julia._ "TO THE DRESSMAKER'S."
_Mary Ann._ "OH, WHAT BOTHERS CHILDREN IS!"]
* * * * *
ON CATS.
Some cats are black, some brown, some white, some "arf and arf."
Some cats are gentle, and require a good deal of pinching and
"worriting" to bring them to the scratch, like some persons, who require
to get their dander up before they'll show fight.
Other cats, however, are very vicious. These, from their spitting
proclivities, might be called Spitfires. I dare say this regards black
cats most, whose backs, when rubbed in the dark, are seen to emit
_sparks_.
A cat that is good at the spitting business, and well up in the trade,
can do a smart thing or two in the defensive line--as when confronted by
a dog, for instance. If the feline can only keep up a vigorous and well
directed spitting, the canine is almost sure to retreat, with his tail
between his legs, (if it is not too short to get there.)
Cats are generally considered rat and mouse destroyers. I dare say they
are, though the two I once kept (I drowned them in the cistern) were
more notorious as crockery destroyers than anything else. I thought, on
the whole, that they exterminated more raw beef than rats and mice, so I
consigned them to a watery grave.
It was a good thing for WHITTINGTON that there are such things as mice,
and cats (if they are not too fat) to destroy them. His cat was truly
worth its weight in gold to him. Such a cat should have been embalmed
for the benefit of posterity. It must have been a noble sight to see the
feline banquetting on the dainty joints of the _mus_ in the Fejee
palace, and WHITTINGTON getting a bag of gold for each victim his
follower devoured. Honor to WHITTINGTON and his Cat!
Cats are very fond of birds--when they can get 'em, "otherwise not." To
see a cat watching a bird, you would think there was some magnetic
attraction in the love line between them. There may be, _before hand_.
But let the cat once touch its sought-for, and I assure you there is no
love lost. By some accident or other, the little birdie goes down
Grimalkin's throat.
A cat has nine lives, we are told; something like old METHUSELAH, who,
they declare, got so tired of living that he had to die to get some
relief. I know some ladies who would like to borrow a life or two from
the cat, especially those on the wrong side of the line, as regards
thirty. Owing to the nine lives, a cat may be jerked about pretty
promiscuously from third story windows, _et cetera_. They have a knack
of falling on their feet, which a good many BLONDINS would like to
have--especially when a rope breaks, and when they "a kind of" forget
that "Pride must have a fall."
Such are a few remarks on Cats of every description. As this ain't a
Prize Essay, I don't give the different species, which are as numerous
as the hairs of my head, and these are now pretty numerous, as I am not
particular about cutting them.
BILL BISCAY.
* * * * *
"DY(E)ING AND SCOURING DONE HERE."
A Correspondent of one of the daily papers, writing from Athens, on the
subject of the brigandage outrages lately perpetrated in Greece, says
that "the Kingdom is scoured by soldiers."
That's right. It has long been a very dirty little Kingdom, and a good
scouring by soldiers is the only thing to obliterate the numerous Greece
spots with which it has been tarnished.
* * * * *
NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.
The attention of the New York daily newspapers is called to the fact
that the mosquitoes down in Maine this season are uncommonly large and
extremely numerous. Now, it is well known that fleas can be trained to
do (upon a small scale) many things usually done by human beings; and
why may not the very largest of the mosquitoes be educated to manage the
daily newspapers? How beautifully would they buzz! how venomously would
they bite! how remorselessly would POTT, (of _The Independent_,) let
loose his insect champions upon SLURK, of _The Gazette_!
P. S. Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to observe that no allusion is here
intended to Mr. TILTON'S _Independent_, which is extremely well supplied
with mosquitoes already.
* * * * *
OUR PORTFOLIO.
One of the most heart-rending elopements on record is that of MORDECAI
SKAGGS, an Indianian by birth, but a Chicagoan by adoption, who left a
legitimate spouse at Owen, Spencer County, Indiana, and fled with a
beautiful "affinity" toward the "Lake City." The deserted wife, like a
pursuing Nemesis, "went for him." She tracked him from stage to stage of
his journey, and finally overtook the fugitive, but not before he had
"consummated marriage a second time."
When found, she did not pause "to make a note" of MORDECAI, but seized
him by the beard, very much as OTHELLO did the "uncircumcised Jew;" yet,
not caring to slay him outright, she exploded a pitcher of ice-water
upon his heated brow, and while still clasping his dishevelled locks
pelted the supposed guilty partner of his flight with the fragments of
the broken vessel. But the chief shock of this disaster, to the
unfortunate SKAGGS, occurred in the interval of a brief cessation of
hostilities, when the enraged wife demanded to know of the other woman
why she had thus outraged the sanctity of her domestic altars, and the
"other woman" explained that the too seductive SKAGGS had represented
himself as a single man. Thereupon the two joined forces, and set upon
MORDECAI; pulling his hair out by the roots; scarifying his manly phiz
with their delicate claws; and so marring and disfiguring this
"double-breasted" deceiver that not even the penetration of the maternal
eye could discover in that battered carcass the once familiar lineaments
of a beloved son.
The thought suggested to PUNCHINELLO by this catastrophe is whether we
may not safely leave the iniquity of Western divorce law to work out its
own salvation, when it provokes the use of such weapons, and makes it
possible for the penalty to follow so closely upon the heels of crime.
* * * * *
A. T. STEWART & Co.
OFFER A LARGE LOT OF
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LYON'S CHECKED SILKS, SPRING COLORS, $1 per yard; reduced from $1.50
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An Elegant Assortment of
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* * * * *
A. T. Stewart & Co.
Have just received
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A. T. Stewart & Co.
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Llama Lace Shawls, Jackets, Iron
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* * * * *
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LADIES' AND CHILDREN'S UNDERWEAR, WEDDING TROUSSEAUX, INFANTS' WARDROBES
BATHING SUITS, BOYS' CLOTHING, LADIES' PARIS AND DOMESTIC-MADE HATS AND
BONNETS, TRIMMED, $3 each upward. UNTRIMMED, $1 each upward.
Flowers, Feathers, &c.
_Customers and the residents of the neighboring
cities are respectfully invited to examine._
BROADWAY,
4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.
* * * * *
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