Toasts

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Home: A world of strife shut out, and a world of love shut in.

Home: The blossoms of which heaven is the fruit.

Home: The only spot on earth where the fault and failings of fallen
humanity are hidden under a mantle of charity.

Home: An abode wherein the inmate, the superior being called man, can pay
back at night, with fifty per cent. interest, every annoyance that he has
met with in business during the day.

Home: The place where the great are sometimes small, and the small often
great.

Home: The father's kingdom; the child's paradise; the mother's world.

Home: The jewel casket containing the most precious of all jewels--domestic
happiness.

Home: The place where you are treated best and grumble most.

Home: It is the central telegraph office of human love, into which run
innumerable wires of affection, many of which, though extending thousands
of miles, are never disconnected from the one great terminus.

Home: The centre of our affections, around which our hearts' best wishes
twine.

Home: A little sheltered hollow scooped out of the windy hill of the world.

Home: A place where our stomachs get three good meals daily and our hearts
a thousand.

MISCELLANEOUS TOASTS

These might be multiplied indefinitely, but a sufficient number are given
to serve as hints to the person who is able to make his own toasts, yet
seeks a little aid to lift him out of the common rut.

Marriage: The happy estate which resembles a pair of shears; so joined that
they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always
punishing any one who comes between them.

Marriage: The gate through which the happy lover leaves his enchanted
ground and returns from paradise to earth.

Woman: The fairest work of the great Author; the edition is large, and no
man should be without a copy.

Woman: She needs no eulogy; she speaks for herself.

Woman: The bitter half of man. (A sour bachelor's toast.)

Wedlock: May the single all be married and all the married be happy. Love
to one, friendship to many, and good-will to all.

The Lady we love and the Friend we trust.

May we have the unspeakable good Fortune to win a true heart, and the Merit
to keep it.

Friendship: May its bark never founder on the rocks of deception.

Friendship: May its lamp ever be supplied by the oil of truth and fidelity.

Unselfish Friendship: May we ever be able to serve a friend, and noble
enough to conceal it.

Firm Friendship: May differences of opinion only cement it.

May we have more and more Friends and Need them less and less.

May our Friend in sorrow never be a Sorrowing friend.

Active Friendship: May the hinges of friendship never grow rusty.

To our Friends: Whether absent on land or sea.

Our Friends: May the present have no burdens for them and futurity no
terrors.

Our Friends: May we always have them and always know their value.

Friends: May we be richer in their love than in wealth, and yet money be
plenty.

A Friend: May we never want one to cheer us, or a home to welcome him.

Good Judgment: May opinions never float in the sea of ignorance.

Careful Kindness: May we never crack a joke or break a reputation.

Enduring Prudence: May the pleasures of youth never bring us pain in old
age.

Deliverance in Trouble: May the sunshine of hope dispel the clouds of
calamity.

Successful Suit: May we court and win all the Daughters of Fortune except
the eldest--Miss Fortune.

Here's a Health to Detail, Retail, and Curtail--indeed, all the tails but
tell-tales.

The Coming Millennium: When great men are honest and honest men are great.

Our Merchant: May he have good trade, well paid. May the Devil cut the toes
of all our foes, That we may know them by their limping.

May we Live to learn well and Learn to live well.

A Placid Life: May we never murmur without cause, and never have cause to
murmur.

May we never lose our Bait when we Fish for compliments.

A Better Distribution of Money: May Avarice lose his purse and Benevolence
find it.

May Care be a stranger and Serenity a familiar friend to every honest
heart.

May Fortune recover her eyesight and be able to distribute her gifts more
wisely and equally.

May Bad Example never attract youthful minds.

May Poverty never come to us without rich compensations and hope of a
speedy departure.

Our Flag: The beautiful banner that represents the precious _mettle_
of America.

American Eagle, The: The liberty bird that permits no liberties.

American Eagle, The: May she build her nest in every rock peak of this
continent.

American Valor: May no war require it, but may it be always ready for every
foe.

American People, The: May they live in peace and grow strong in the
practice of every virtue.

Our Native Land: May it ever be worthy of our heartiest love, and continue
to draw it forth without stint.

(A spread-eagle toast.) The Boundaries of Our Country: East, by the Rising
Sun; north, by the North Pole; west, by all Creation; and south, by the Day
of Judgment.

Our Lakes and Rivers: Navigable waters that unite all the States and render
the very thought of their separation absurd.

Our Sons and Daughters: May they be honest as brave and modest as fair.

America and the World: May our nation ever enjoy the blessings of the
widest liberty, and be ever ready to promote the liberties of mankind.

Discontented Citizens: May they speedily leave their country for their
country's good.

America:

"Our hearts, our hopes are all with thee,
Our hearts, our hopes, our prayers, our tears,
Our faith, triumphant o'er our fears,
Are all with thee, are all with thee."

The Patriot:

"Breathes there a man with soul so dead,
Who never to himself hath said,
This is my own, my native land;
Whose heart hath ne'er within him burned,
As home his footsteps he hath turned
From wandering on a foreign strand?"

Our Country: Whether bounded by Canada or Mexico, or however otherwise
bounded and described; be the measurement more or less, still Our Country;
to be cherished in our hearts and defended by our lives.

Our Country: In our intercourse with foreign nations may she always be in
the right; and if not, may we ever be true patriots enough to get her into
the right at any cost.

Our Country: May we render due reverence and love to the common mother of
us all.

The Ship of State:

"Nail to the mast her holy flag;
Set every threadbare sail;
And give her to the God of Storms,
The lightning and the gale."

Columbia: My country, with all thy faults, I love thee still.

Webster's Motto: Liberty and Union, now and forever, one and inseparable.

True Patriotism: May every American be a good citizen in peace, a valiant
soldier in war.

Our Country: May our love of country be without bounds and without a shadow
of fear.

Our Statesmen: May they care less for party and for personal ambition than
for the nation's welfare.

Failure to Treason: May he who would destroy his country for a mess of
pottage never get the pottage!

The Penalty of Treason: May he who would uproot the tree of Liberty be the
first one crushed by its fall.

The Nation: May it know no North, no South, no East, no West, but only one
broad, beautiful, glorious land.

America:

Dear Country, our thoughts are more constant to thee,
Than the steel to the star and the stream to the sea.

Our Revolutionary Fathers: May their sons never disgrace their parentage.

Our Town: The best in the land; let him that don't like it leave it.

The Tree of Liberty: May every American citizen help cultivate it and eat
freely of its fruit.

The Emigrant: May the man that doesn't love his native country speedily hie
him to one that he can love.

The American Eagle: It is not healthful to try to deposit salt on his
venerable tail.

California: The land of golden rocks and golden fruits.

Ohio: The second Mother of Presidents.

Vermont: A State of rocks, but producing men, women, maple sugar, and
horses.

"The first are strong, the last are fleet,
The second and third are exceedingly sweet,
And all are uncommonly hard to beat."

Texas: The biggest of States, and one of the very best.

New York: Unrivalled if numbers in city and State be the test.

Our Navy: May it always be as anxious to preserve peace as to uphold the
honor of the flag in war.

Our Army: May it ever be very small in peace, but grow to mighty dimensions
and mightier achievement in war.

Our Country: May the form of liberty never be used to subvert the
principles of true freedom.

Our Voters: May they always have a standard to try their rulers by, and be
quick to punish or reward justly.

Fortune: A divinity to fools, a helper to wise men.

The Present: Anticipation may be very agreeable but participation is more
practical.

The Present Opportunity: We may lay in a stock of pleasures for use in
memory, but they must be kept carefully to prevent mouldering.

Philosophy: It may conquer past or present pain but toothache, while it
lasts, laughs at philosophy.

Our Noble Selves: Why not toast ourselves and praise ourselves since we
have the best means of knowing all the good in ourselves?

Charity: A link from the chain of gold that angels forge.

Our Harvests: May the sunshine of plenty dispel the clouds of care.

Virtue: May we have the wit to discover what is true and the fortitude to
practice what is good.

Our Firesides: Our heads may not be sharpened at colleges, but our hearts
are graduates of the hearths.

The True Medium: Give us good form, but not formality.

The Excesses of Youth: They are heavy drafts upon old age, payable with
compound interest about thirty years from date.

The Best of Good Feeling: May we never feel want nor want feeling.

Our Incomes: May we have a head to earn and hearts to spend.

Forbearance: May we have keen wit, but never make a sword of our tongues to
wound the reputation of others.

Wit: A cheap and nasty commodity when uttered at the expense of modesty and
courtesy.

Cheerfulness and Fortitude: May we never give way to melancholy, but always
be merry at the right places.

Generosity: May we all be as charitable and indulgent as the Khan of
Tartary, who, when he has dined on milk and horseflesh, makes proclamation
that all the kings and emperors of earth have now his gracious permission
to dine.

Economy: The daughter of Prudence, the sister of Temperance, and the parent
of Independence.

Fidelity and Forgiveness: May our injuries be written in sand and our
gratitude for benefits in rock.

A Good Memory: May it always be used as a storehouse and never as a
lumber-room.

A Health to Our Dearest: May their purses always be heavy and their hearts
always be light.

The Noblest Qualities: Charity without ostentation and religion without
bigotry.

Discernment of Character: May Flattery never be permitted to sit in the
parlor while Plain and Kindly Dealing is kicked out into the woodshed.

False Friends: May we never have friends who, like shadows, keep close to
us in the sunshine only to desert us in a cloudy day or in the night.

A Competence: May we never want bread to make a toast or a good cook to
prepare it.

The Man we Love: He who thinks most good and speaks least ill of his
neighbors.

Human Nature as the Best Study: He who is learned in books alone may know
how some things ought to be, but he who reads men learns how things are.

Metaphysics the Noblest of the Sciences: "When a mon wha' kens naething
aboot ony subject, takes a subject that nae mon kens onything aboot and
explains it to anither mon still more ignorant--that's Metaphysics."

The Deeds of Men: The best interpreters of their motives.

Love and Affection: The necessary basis for a happy life.

Charity: A mantle of heavenly weaving used to cover the faults of our
neighbors.

Charitable Allowances: May our eyes be no keener when we look upon the
faults of others than when we survey our own.

Cheerful Courage: "May this be our maxim whene'er we are twirled, A fig for
the cares of this whirl-a-gig world."

A Golden Maxim: To err is human, to forgive divine.

Prudence in Speech: The imprudent man reflects upon what he has said, the
wise man upon what he is going to say.

Thought and Speech: It is much safer to always think what we say than
always to say what we think.

Everybody: May no one now feel that he has been omitted.

Fame: The great undertaker who pays little attention to the living but
makes no end of parade over the dead.

The Chatterbox: May he give us a few brilliant flashes of silence.

Discretion in Speech: May we always remember the manner, the place, and the
time.

A Happy Future: May the best day we have seen be worse than the worst that
is to come.

HUMOROUS TOASTS.

To a Fat Friend: May your shadow never grow less.

May every Hair of your head be as a shining Candle to light you to glory.

Long Life to our Friends: May the chicken never be hatched that will
scratch on their graves.

Confusion to the Early Bird: May it and the worm both be picked up.

The Nimble Penny: May it soon grow into a dime and then swell into a
dollar.

To a Sovereign: not the kind that sits on a throne, but the one that lies
in our pocket.

Our Land: May we live happy in it and never be sent out of it for our
country's good.

Three Great Commanders: May we always be under the orders of General Peace,
General Plenty, and General Prosperity.

The Three Best Doctors: May Doctor Quiet, Doctor Diet, and Doctor Good
Conscience ever keep us well.

The Health of that wise and good Man who kept a Dog and yet did his own
barking!

Here's to the health of ----: The old bird that was not caught with chaff.

The Health of those we Love the beet; Our noble selves.

MISCELLANEOUS ADDRESSES

Every year new occasions arise that point to a new order of celebrations.
Until recently there were no centennial celebrations. Once inaugurated
these suggested semi-centennial and quarter-century ones, and as the
country advanced in years there came the bi-centennial and ter-centennial.
And the attention of the civilized globe was called to our
fourth-centennial by the unrivalled and wonderful display at the World's
Exhibition in Chicago.

In this chapter are given outlines of a miscellaneous character, some
original and some selected.

OUTLINE OF CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW'S ADDRESS AT THE CENTENNIAL OF CAPTURE OF
ANDRÉ

This is a good model for the semi-centennial or centennial of any noted
event.

Being in the open air the speaker referred to the grand scenery, almost the
same as one hundred years before.

Effect on the nation's heart of such Revolutionary commemorations.

Small events influence the currents of history. Thermopylæ and its 300;
_the three plain farmers who preserved American liberty_.

The orator then sketched compactly but vividly the critical situation of
1780, and tells at length the story of Arnold's treason, its frustration
by the capture of André and his pathetic fate. This "one romance of
the Revolution" is a thrilling tale, and all adornment is given to it.
The account of the struggle to save André's life gives the interest of
controversy, as does the defense of Washington's course. The anecdote and
the illustrative parallel are both supplied by the case of Captain Nathan
Hale, executed by the English as an American spy. The address closes with a
fitting tribute to André's three captors, whose modest monument marked the
spot, and a very effective quotation of William of Orange's heroic oath at
his coronation, "I will maintain."

OUTLINE OF SPEECH BY GOVERNOR FORAKER AT THE DEDICATION OF OHIO'S MONUMENT
TO THE ANDREWS RAIDERS, AT CHATTANOOGA

Why this monument and this dedication. The story of the raid, the suffering
of the raiders, and heroism of those who died.

The controversial part covered two points--the military value of the raid,
and the manner in which the raiders had been treated by the enemy while
prisoners.

The illustrative setting was the historic background of Chattanooga and the
contrasts of war and peace.

OUTLINE OF ADDRESS BY CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW AT DINNER ON THE 70TH BIRTHDAY OF
JOHN JAY

Not on the programme--pleasantry with Mr. Choate (President) about his
railroad fees. Mr. Choate wants it made the rule for all ex-presidents
of the club to have a dinner on their 70th birthday. This will help them
to live at least that long, as Gladstone and Bismarck, when they had an
object, have lived on in spite of the doctors!

Depew, a native of the same county as three generations of Jays. Services
of the Revolutionary Jay.

_The Anecdote_.--General Sherman yesterday told a beautiful young
girl--Generals always interested in beautiful young girls--that he would be
willing to throw away all he was doing or had done to start at her time of
life again. But the nation could not permit that, nor could it in the case
of John Jay--closing words of tribute and esteem to the guest of the
evening.

OUTLINE OF ADDRESS BY CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW AT THE RECEPTION TO HENRY M.
STANLEY BY THE LOTUS CLUB

The speaker jests about his own locks whitened by the cares of railroading,
and the raven hair of the reporters--where do they get their dye?

Stanley's lecture fee, $250.--Lotus Club gets one for only the price of a
dinner!

Stanley a great artist in his descriptions as well as a great traveler.

Americans a nation of travelers.--This makes railroads prosperous! What
some reporters have done.

The motive makes heroism.--Livingstone the missionary--his rescue by
Stanley.

The civilized Africa of the future with Stanley for its Columbus.

SPEECHES AT A DINNER GIVEN TO THE RELIGIOUS PRESS

Toast.--"The Religious Press and Literature."

First, what are sound views of literature; second, what is a religious
paper? The speaker used two illustrations bound in one. A great book is
the Nilometer which measures intellectual life as the original Nilometer
measured the life and fertility of the land of Egypt. A description of
the rise of the Nile and of the _Divine Comedy_ of Dante, as such a
measurer of the life of the Middle Ages, made up the speech.

Toast.--"Religious Press and Questions of the Day."

Eternity begins _here_. The paper must show on which side of any
question the right lies. It should go even further than this. It should
cover a wider range of topics and aim to secure the attention of the
general public to the questions it discusses and so entitle it to circulate
more widely.

Toast.--"Should Religious Papers Make Money?"

If I may make the paying papers, anybody may make the others. Money
losing--soon comes, _hic jacet_. Money making proves usefulness and
renders the issue of a paper possible. Letter from the oldest editor of New
York in which he says the editor is under life sentence to hard labor.

Toast.--"The Religious Paper and Scholarship."

He laments that he has no letter from an editor to read (like the last
speaker), and tells a story of a Methodist, on request, praying for rain;
and when a terrible storm came, the man who asked, was heard to murmur:
"How these Methodists do exaggerate." This was to show the excellence of
the dinner. Two other stories were used by the speaker, about the length
and discursiveness of his talk. The people need and will read deep,
accurate, and scholarly productions. There ought to be a general paper for
such. Something has been done in that direction by two religious papers.

The speaker treated his topic by giving a semi-humorous review of the
preceding speeches. He showed how denominational traits affected each
item in the work of the paper. He did not make just the kind of a paper
_he_ liked best, for some people were of the same taste as Artemus
Ward, who always ordered _hash_ at a restaurant, because he then knew
what he was getting! The speaker also referred ironically to the mistaken
idea that church papers could not pay, and gave striking instances to the
contrary. He concluded that denominational papers may be as successful in
their line as those purely undenominational and independent.

RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, "THE NAVY: OUR COUNTRY'S BEST WALL OF DEFENSE"

1. The disasters which different ports of our country have experienced from
invading forces during three great wars. No foe now on this continent which
we need fear--our enemies, if any, will come by sea.

2. The defense by fortified harbors cannot be relied on, for when one place
is defended another may be attacked, and the coast-line is so great that an
unguarded spot may be found. But our glorious navy will seek the foe at any
and every point.

3. Past glory of the Navy. Paul Jones in the Revolutionary War singeing
John Bull's beard at his own fireside. 1812. The ships of iron that kept
the Confederate States engirdled and forbade outside meddling with domestic
troubles.

4. The Navy, by showing the world that we are impregnable, should be the
best promoter of a solid peace.

RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, "GENERAL JACKSON: A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH, BUT A
DIAMOND"

1. The hero of New Orleans, though rough, was a strong and great man.
Stories about him always popular. His indorsing State papers "O.K." when he
approved them, and saying that these letters meant "_oll korrect_."
The victor and the spoils.

2. His connection with great questions, such as the currency and
nullification. Popularity with his own party.

3. Proved to be a great commander by the manner in which he used his very
slender resources at the battle of New Orleans--the backwoods riflemen and
the breastworks of cotton.

RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, "THE WORKING MAN: MAY HE LOVE HIS WORK AND HAVE
PLENTY OF IT, WITH GOOD WAGES PROMPTLY PAID"

1. For a healthy man a reasonable amount of work is no misfortune, but
a blessing. Idleness is a curse, and leads to all kinds of evil. (See
story in Anecdote No. 21 at end of this volume--of the tramp who earned
seventy-five cents and quit work because he feared that he could not bear
the curse of riches! Not many of us have this kind of fear.)

2. Toil with pen and brain as real, and may be as exhausting as with the
hand and foot.

3. But to defraud a workman of one cent of his earnings is a peculiarly
atrocious crime. How this may be done indirectly. All persons who believe
in this toast should deal justly and fairly, and try to hold others to the
same rule.

4. The true workman wants work and fair play; not patronage and flattery,
but sympathy and friendship.

A NOMINATING SPEECH

The great conventions that nominate candidates for the Presidency of the
United States furnish examples on the largest scale of the nominating
speech. But officers of societies of almost any character may be nominated
in addresses that are very similar. The following outline of a speech of
general character may be easily modified to suit any case in which such
help is desired.

_Mr. Chairman_: It gives me great pleasure to place before you, the
name of a candidate who is so well qualified and so fully deserving of
this honor, and of every other, that may be conferred upon him, as ----.
In giving him your votes, you can make no mistake. [Here state previous
offices held, or trusts filled, or other evidences of fitness for the post
in view.] In addition, I am happy to state that he represents [here name
locality, section, class, or opinion, being careful to adduce only those
which will be pleasing to the persons whose votes are sought.] On his
behalf, I can promise faithful service, and the prompt discharge of every
duty. Others may have as much zeal for the cause: some may have as long
a training for the duties of this office; a few may possibly have as
legitimate a claim upon any honors or rewards in your gift, but where
else can you find such a combination of claims?

The illustrative anecdote will naturally be of the candidate himself, of
his popularity, availability, or other good quality, or of some person or
element strongly supporting him.

SPEECH ACCEPTING A NOMINATION

1. An honor of which any man must be deeply sensible as well as proud. The
importance or high character of the body making the nomination.

2. The degree of surprise felt that the candidate should be preferred to
so many worthy competitors. W by the honor is especially prized, and the
reasons, if any; why the candidate would have preferred a different
selection.

3. The motives which make him willing to bear the burdens entailed by this
nomination.

4. The hope of being able to support his competitors for other offices, or
other terms of this office.

5. With all his sense of unworthiness, the candidate dares not set up his
judgment against that of the honorable body which has named him, for the
office of ----, and he therefore bows to their decision and gratefully
accepts the [unexpected?] honor conferred upon him. Should the people--not
for his sake, but for the sake of the cause represented--have the
intelligence and good judgment [of which there is not a shadow of doubt?]
to indorse the nomination, he will exert all the power he possesses, to
faithfully fill the position their choice has bestowed upon him.

SPEECH IN A POLITICAL CANVASS

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