Toasts

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No form of speech is so easy as a political address in a hot campaign. The
people know enough of the general argument in advance, to appreciate a
strong statement of it, or the addition of new items. They already have
much of that interest in the theme that other classes of speakers must
first seek to arouse. The tyro makes his feeble beginnings in the sparsely
settled portions of the country, but the polished orator is welcomed by
large audiences at the centres of population, and wins money, fame, and
possibly a high office. Americans have many opportunities of hearing good
speeches of this character, and not only become competent judges, but learn
to emulate such examples.

1. A bright story, a personal incident, a local "hit," or, best of all, a
quick, shrewd caricature of some feature of the opposing party, will gain
attention and half win the battle. A speaker was once called upon to make
an address after a political opponent had taken his seat. This man at
one time strongly indorsed a measure to which his own party was bitterly
opposed. The measure was defeated notwithstanding his opposition, and he
was obliged to sanction his party's action. The audience being familiar
with this, the speaker referred to it by saying: "Oh! _he_ approves,
does he! Imagine a kicked, cuffed, pounded, and dragged across a road,
bracing himself at every step, but forced over at last and tied to a
post; then imagine _that mule_ straightening himself up and saying,
'Thank Heaven, we crossed that road, didn't we?' It was difficult to move
the mule, he was obstinate, but it made no difference. My opponent was
obstinate too, but what did it avail!"

2. The criticism of our opponents' platform or principles. Their fallacies,
mistakes, and misrepresentations.

3. Their history. How they have carried out all their bad and dangerous
doctrines, but have slurred over and allowed to drop out of sight their
promises of good.

4. The contrast. Plain statement [and there is nothing more effective in a
speech than a plain, dear, and condensed statement] of the opposing issues.

5. The man. [The personal element in a canvas nearly always overshadows
political doctrine, except when a new party or new measure is rising into
prominence.] Our men brilliant, able, safe. Our opponents the opposite.
[Public character only should be criticized. Gossip, scandal, slander
are abominable, and seldom well received by any audience. Poison, the
assassin's dagger, and the spreading of infamous stories do not belong to
honorable warfare.]

SPEECH AFTER A POLITICAL VICTORY. SELECTED

1. We are masters of the field. Completeness of victory [told in military
language].

2. Sympathy for the defeated. We will treat their leaders with Good
Samaritan generosity, but we invite the rank and file to enlist with us,
unless they prefer to go home and pray for better luck next time.

3. Only by joining us can they get a nibble at the spoils. Probably they
will, for many of them are men of seven principles--five loaves and two
fishes. The "cohesive power of public plunder."

4. We must not be careless after victory, but reorganize, be vigilant, keep
our powder dry. The "outs" are hungry, and an enemy will fight terribly for
rations. "Brag is a good dog, but Holdfast is a better."

5. Now let us all rejoice over the defeat of a party many of whose members
we respect personally, but which, as a whole, we regard as an immense
nuisance.

SPEECH AFTER A POLITICAL DEFEAT. SELECTED

My Political Brethren: You seem to be in the dumps! Don't like the figures;
wish they were a cunningly devised fable. How did it happen? Big vote and
intolerable cheating cooked our goose. But we are india-rubber and steel
springs, and no amount of hard usage can take the fight out of us.

Let our opponents laugh! We are not savage--would not hurt a hair of their
heads personally, but politically will skin them alive next time. But we
prefer to convert them, and hope they will hear our speakers as often as
possible before the next election.

A CHAIRMAN'S OR PRESIDENT'S SPEECH

At a public meeting some one interested in the object for which it has
convened calls the assembly to order. After securing attention he proposes
the name of some person as chairman or president. When the nomination is
seconded he takes the vote and announces the election. It will then be in
order for the person chosen to take a position facing the assembly and to
make a brief speech.

"Ladies and Gentlemen: I have no wish to disparage your judgment, although
I think it might have been exercised to better advantage by electing some
of the able persons I see before me. But I thank you for this honor, which
I appreciate the more highly and accept the more readily because of say
deep interest in the question of ----, which is now before us. First,
however, please nominate a secretary."

When, however, the president or chairman elected is himself a prime mover
in the business for which the meeting is called, it will be perfectly
proper for him to extend his speech, upon accepting the chair, by stating
clearly but briefly the object of the meeting; or, if he prefers, he may
ask some one in whose powers of plausible and persuasive statement he has
confidence to do this in his place. Formal argument is not advisable in
the opening speech; but the best argument consists in giving a compact
statement and ample information. In this way the cause may be half won by
the chairman's speech or the speech of his proxy.

A GENERAL OUTLINE FOE ALL OCCASIONS

_The Introduction_. The speaker's modesty or inability, the lateness
of the hour, the merit of preceding speeches, the literary treats that are
to follow, the character of the dinner, personal allusion to the president
or to the audience--_but not all of these in one address_.

_The Discussion_. Here refer to the toast or theme--be sure to put in
a humorous anecdote. Make it as appropriate as possible, but don't fail to
bring it in. Get up a short controversy: set up a man of straw if you can
find nobody else, and then make an onslaught upon him; but _be sure he
has no friends in the audience_!

_Conclusion_. A graceful compliment to some one, a reference to an
expected speaker, or a word indicating the part of your subject of which
you will not treat, or give a _very_ quick summary of what you have
already said.

ILLUSTRATIVE AND HUMOROUS ANECDOTES

With a number of the following anecdotes a few suggestions are given as
to the manner in which they may be used. The habit of thinking how a good
story may be brought into an address should be formed, after which these
hints will be superfluous. At the outset they may help to form the habit.

1. INDEPENDENCE OF A MONOPOLY

[A good illustration of complete independence. It can be used as a humorous
description of a monopoly or as a compliment to a man who has complete
control of his own affairs.]

An inquisitive passenger on a railroad recently had the following dialogue:

"Do you use the block system on this road?" inquired the passenger.

"No, sir," replied the conductor, "we have no use for it."

"Do you use the electric or pneumatic signals?"

"No, sir."

"Have you a double track?"

"No."

"Well, of course, you have a train dispatcher, and run all trains by
telegraph?"

"No."

"I see you have no brakeman. How do you flag the rear of your train if you
are stopped from any cause between stations?"'

"We don't flag."

"Indeed! What a way to run a railroad! A man takes his life in his hand
when he rides on it. This is criminally reckless!"

"See here, mister! If you don't like this railroad you can get off and
walk. I am president of this road and its sole owner. I am also board
of directors, treasurer, secretary, general manager, superintendent,
paymaster, trackmaster, general passenger agent, general freight agent,
master mechanic, ticket agent, conductor, brakeman, and boss. This is
the Great Western Railroad of Kentucky, six miles long, with termini at
Harrodsburg and Harrodsburg Junction. This is the only train on the road of
any kind, and ahead of us is the only engine. We never have collisions. The
engineer does his own firing, and runs the repair shop and round-house all
by himself. He and I run this railway. It keeps us pretty busy, but we've
always got time to stop and eject a sassy passenger. So you want to behave
yourself and go through with us, or you will have your baggage set off here
by the haystack!"

2. EXPLANATION

[To ridicule extravagant explanations that do not explain--or unreasonable
pretensions to antiquity.]

An old Scotch lady, who had no relish for modern church music, was
expressing her dislike to the singing of an anthem in her own church one
day, when a neighbor said: "Why, that is a very old anthem! David sang that
anthem to Saul." To this the old lady replied: "Weel, weel! I noo for the
first time understan' why Saul threw his javelin at David when the lad sang
for him."

3. RIDING A HOBBY

[To illustrate hobby-riding--very appropriate where many toasts and
speeches run in one line.]

A boy in Buffalo, N. Y., who was asked to write out what he considered an
ideal holiday dinner _ménu_, evolved the following:

Furst Corse.
Mince pie.
Second Corse.
Pumpkin pie and turkey.
Third Corse.
Lemon pie, turkey, and cranberries
Fourth Corse.
Custard pie, apple pie, chocolate cake and plum pudding.
Dessert.
Pie.

4. HOBSON'S CHOICE

[Suitable caricature for any one who tries to make merit of doing what he
cannot help.]

"If my employer does not retract what he said to me this morning I shall
leave his store." "Why, what did he say?" "He told me to look for another
place."

5. WHEN TO BE SILENT

[A silent guest might tell this to show that he had found a way to be of
greatest service at a banquet.]

Mrs. Penfield--"My husband has found a way by which he says I am of the
greatest help to him in his literary work."

Mrs. Hillaire--"How nice that must be for you, my dear! But how are you
able to do it?"

Mrs. Penfield--"As soon as I see him at his desk I go into another room and
keep perfectly quiet until he has finished."

6. PAYING FOR YOUR WHISTLE

[Would be a good answer to one who gave a compliment, and tried in that way
to shove off a speech or other duty upon the one complimented.]

McSwatters--"It's very funny."

Mrs. McSwatters--"What is?"

McSwatters--"Why, when the doctor treats me I always have to pay for it."

7. GOOSE-CHASE

[Would come in well after several had declined to speak, the goose being
the one who finally consents and tells the story.]

A lady had been looking for a friend for a long time without success.
Finally, she came upon her in an unexpected way. "Well," she exclaimed,
"I've been on a perfect wild-goose chase all day long, but, thank goodness,
I've found you at last."

8. THE PERPLEXED SAGE

[To show that the chairman may safely confide in his own power to manage
such poor material as the person who tells the story assumes himself to
be.]

"And now what is it?" asked the sage, as the young man timidly approached.
"Pray, tell me," asked the youth, "does a woman marry a man because of
her confidence in the man, or because of her confidence in her ability to
manage him?" For once the sage had to take the question under advisement.

9. QUICK THOUGHT

[The following illustrates the advantages of a happy retort, the importance
of a felicitous phrase, or of quick thought and ready speech. It might be
said that the preceding speaker was as ready as:]

When Napoleon (then a student at Brienne) was asked how he would supply
himself with provisions in a closely-invested town, he answered, without a
moment's hesitation, "From the enemy," which so pleased the examiners that
they passed him without further questions.

10. [The Russian General Suvaroff is said to have promoted one of his
sergeants for giving substantially the same answer.]

The Emperor Paul, of Russia, was so provoked by the awkwardness of an
officer on review that he ordered him to resign at once and retire to his
estate. "But he has no estate," the commander ventured. "Then give him
one!" thundered the despot, whose word was law, and the man gained more by
his blunders than he could have done by years of the most skillful service.

11. [The anger of an actor took the same turn as that of the Czar.]

Colley Cibber once missed his "cue," and the confusion that followed
spoiled the best passage of Betterton, who was manager as well as actor. He
rushed behind the scenes in a towering passion, and exclaimed, "Forfeit,
Master Colley; you shall be fined for such stupidity!" "It can't be done,"
said a fellow-actor, "for he gets no salary." "Put him down for ten
shillings a week and fine him five!" cried the furious manager.

12. INSIGNIFICANT THINGS

[The need of accuracy, or how insignificant things sometimes change the
meaning, is shown by the following.]

A merchant of London wrote his East India factor to send him 2 or 3 apes;
but he forgot to write the "r" in "or," and the factor wrote that he had
sent 80, and would send the remainder of the 2 0 3 as soon as they could be
gathered in.

13. A very well-known writer had a similar experience. He was selling
copies of his first literary venture, and telegraphed to the publisher to
send him "three hundred books at once." He answered. "Shall I send them on
an emigrant train, or must they go first-class? Had to scour the city over
to get them. You must be going into the hotel business on a great scale to
need so many Cooks." I was bewildered; but all was explained when a copy of
the dispatch showed that the telegraph clerk had mistaken the small "b" for
a capital "C."

14. MAKING AN EXCUSE; OR, JOHNNY PEEP

[A guest pleading to be excused from a speech or a song might say that he
wanted to be accounted as "Johnny Peep" in the following story which Allan
Cunningham tells of Robert Burns.]

Strolling one day in Cumberland the poet lost his friends, and thinking to
find them at a certain tavern he popped his head in at the door. Seeing no
one there but three strangers, he apologized, and was about to retire, when
one of the strangers called out, "Come in, Johnny Peep." This invitation
the convivial poet readily accepted, and spent a very pleasant time with
his newly-found companions. As the conversation began to flag, it was
proposed that each should write a verse, and place it, together with
two-and-six pence, under the candlestick, the best poet to take the
half-crowns, while the unsuccessful rhymers were to settle the bill among
them. According to Cunningham, Burns obtained the stakes by writing:

"Here am I, Johnny Peep;
I saw three sheep,
And these three sheep saw me.
Half-a-crown apiece
Will pay for their fleece,
And so Johnny Peep goes free."

15. STERN LOGIC

[Probably this boy would have seen the necessity of avoiding such rich
banquets as this.]

"Say, ma, do they play base-ball in heaven?"

"Why, no, my dear; of course not. Why do you ask?"

"Huh! Well, you don't catch me being good and dying young then; that's
all."

16. MISTAKEN BREVITY

["Brevity is the soul of wit;" and calculation and economy are very
commendable; but they may be carried to extremes. This may be used when the
last speaker has closed a little abruptly.]

This is the message the telegraph messenger handed a young man from his
betrothed "Come down as soon as you can; I am dying. Kate."

Eight hours later he arrived at the summer hotel, to be met on the piazza
by Kate herself.

"Why, what did you mean by sending me such a message?" he asked.

"Oh!" she gurgled, "I wanted to say that I was dying to see you, but my ten
words ran out, and I had to stop."

17. CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME

Breslau, a celebrated juggler, being at Canterbury with his troupe, met
with such bad success that they were almost starved. He repaired to the
church wardens, and promised to give a night's takings to the poor if the
parish would pay for hiring a room, etc. The charitable bait took, the
benefit proved a bumper, and the next morning the church wardens waited
upon the wizard to touch the receipts. "I have already disposed of dem,"
said Breslau; "de profits were for de poor. I have kept my promise, and
given de money to my own people, who are de poorest in dis parish!"

"Sir!" exclaimed the church wardens, "this is a trick."

"I know it," replied the conjurer; "I live by my tricks."

18. CHARITY; OR, A GOOD WORD FOR EVERY ONE--EVEN THE DEVIL.

[It is well to feel charitably and kindly at all times, but especially at
a dinner party.]

A friend said to a Scotchman who was celebrated for possessing these
amiable qualities, "I believe you would actually find something to admire
in Satan himself." The canny Scot replied, "Ah! weel, weel, we must a'
admit, that auld Nick has great energy and perseverance."

[If the chairman has been very persistent in calling out reluctant
speakers, the foregoing would be a good story to turn the laugh upon him.]

19. INGENIOUS REASON

[The Scotchman referred to in the last anecdote was as ingenious in finding
a reason as the boy mentioned in the following:]

"Can you suggest any reason why I should print your poem?" said the
overbearing editor.

The dismal youth looked thoughtful, and then replied:

"You know I always inclose a stamp for the return of rejected manuscript?"

"Yes."

"Well, if you print it you can keep the stamp."

20. AMBIGUITY OF WORDS

[The equivocal use of words in our language.]

Recently a west-bound train on the Fitchburg (Mass.) Railroad had just left
the town of Athol When the conductor noticed among the new passengers a
young man of intelligent appearance. He asked for the young man's fare, and
the latter handed him a ticket to Miller's Falls and with it a cent. For a
moment the conductor suspected a joke, but a look at the passenger's face
convinced him to the contrary.

"What is this cent for?" the conductor asked.

"Why, I see," answered the young fellow, "that the ticket isn't good unless
it is stamped, and as I don't happen to have a stamp with me I give you the
cent instead. You can put it on, can't you?"

The good-natured conductor handed back the coin with a smile, remarking
that it was a small matter, and he would see that it was all right.

21. USELESS REGRET

[Persons who pretend to regret something without making a real effort to
better it are hit off by this anecdote.]

A father called his son rather late in the morning, and finding him still
abed, indignantly demanded: "Are you not _ashamed_ to be caught asleep
this time of day?"

"Yes, rather," returned the ingenious youth, "but I'd ruther _be
ashamed_ than git up."

22. NO HAPPINESS IN WEALTH

[The great advantage of being fully adapted to one's situation and
contented with it.]

There are people who cannot hold their heads under the influence of sudden
riches. They immediately begin to degenerate. They have become so used to
humble circumstances that wealth is a curse. Here is a case:

A tramp, for some mysterious reason, had accepted an offer to work about
the place, for which he was to receive his meals, sundry old clothes, and
25 cents a day in cash. For the first two or three days he did very well,
and he was paid 50 cents on account. He did not spend the money, but he
began to grow listless and sad, and at the end of the week he interviewed
his employer.

"You've been very kind to me, sir," he said, "and I want to thank you for
what you have done."

"That's all right," was the reply. "I'm glad to be able to help you."

"I know that, sir, and I appreciate it, but I shall have to give it all up,
sir."

"What's that for? Don't I pay you enough?"

"Oh! yes, sir; that isn't it. I have 75 cents left, sir, but I find that
money doesn't bring happiness, sir, and I guess I'll resign and go back to
the old ways, sir. Wealth is a curse to some people, sir, and I fancy I
belong to that class. Good-bye, sir." And he shambled off down the path and
struck the highway.

23. SHORT BUT POINTED

[Splendid for a speaker called up rather late in the evening--even if he
should make a short speech afterward.]

Being nobody in particular, a Mr. Bailey was placed last on the list of the
speakers. The chairman introduced several speakers whose names were not on
the list, and the audience were tired out when he said, "Mr. Bailey will
now give you his address."

"My address," said Mr. Bailey, rising, "is No. 45 Loughboro Park, Brixton
Road, and I wish you all good night."

24. REASONING IN A CIRCLE

[This is very common, as in the case of the heroine of this story.]

The director of a Chicago bank tells how his wife overdrew her account at
the bank one day last month. "I spoke to her about it one evening," said
he, "and told her she ought to adjust it at once. A day or two afterward
I asked her if she had done what I suggested. 'Oh! yes,' she answered. 'I
attended to that matter the very next morning after you spoke about it. I
sent the bank my check for the amount I had overdrawn.'"

25. EXTREME ECONOMY

[Economy is a great virtue, but it should not be extreme.]

An old lady of Massachusetts was famed in her native township for health
and thrift. To an acquaintance who was once congratulating her upon the
former she said:

"We be pretty well for old folks, Josiah and me. Josiah hasn't had an
ailin' time for fifty years, 'cept last winter. And I ain't never suffered
but one day in my life, and that was when I took some of the medicine
Josiah had left over, so's how it shouldn't be wasted."

26. SENSIBLE TO THE LAST

[How we commend those who take our standards and help us.]

A story is told of a late Dublin doctor, famous for his skill and also his
great love of money. He had a constant and profitable patient in an old
shopkeeper in Dame Street. This old lady was terribly rheumatic and unable
to leave her sofa. During the doctor's visit she kept a £1 note in her
hand, which duly went into Dr. C.'s pocket. One morning he found her lying
dead on the sofa. Sighing deeply, the doctor approached, and taking her
hand in his, he saw the fingers closed on his fee. "Poor thing," he said
as he pocketed it, "sensible to the last."

27. FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT

[Fishing for compliments is sometimes dangerous.]

A well-known Congressman, who was a farmer before he went into politics,
was doing his district not long ago, and in his rambles he saw a man in a
stumpy patch of ground trying to get a plow through it. He went over to
him, and after a brief salutation he asked the privilege of making a turn
or two with the plow. The native shook his head doubtfully as he looked
at his visitor's store clothes and general air of gentleman of elegant
leisure, but he let him take the plow. The Congressman sailed away with
it in fine style, and plowed four or five furrows before the owner of the
field could recover his surprise. Then he pulled up and handed the handles
over to the original holder.

"By gravy, mister," said the farmer, admiringly, "air you in the
aggercultural business?"

"No," laughed the statesman.

"Y'ain't selling plows?"

"No."

"Then what in thunder air you?"

"I'm the member of Congress from this district."

"Air you the man I voted for and that I've been reading about in the papers
doin' legislatin' and sich in Washington?"

"Yes."

"Well, by hokey, mister," said the farmer, as he looked with admiration
over the recently-plowed furrows, "ef I'd a had any idea that I was votin'
fer a waste of sich good farmin' material I'd voted fer the other candidate
as shore as shootin'."

28. BEYOND EXPRESSION

[When called on for a speech one may answer the chairman in the words of
this lady:]

She was in her room when some people came to call. Her husband received the
company, and after awhile said to his daughter, who was playing about the
room:

"Go up-stairs and tell your mamma that Mr. and Mrs. Blank have come to
call."

The child went, and after a while returned and began to play again.

"Did you tell your mamma that Mr. and Mrs. Blank are here?" asked the
father.

"Oh! yes."

"And what did she say?"

The little girl looked up, and after a moment's hesitation, exclaimed:

"She said--well, she said, 'O dear!'"

29. THE TOAST OF THE EVENING

[The comment upon this incident by the editor is not less amusing than the
speech.]

It is not always a pleasant thing to be called upon suddenly to address a
public meeting of any sort, as is amusingly illustrated by the following
speech at the opening of a free hospital by one who was certainly not born
an orator:

"Gentlemen--ahem--I--I--I rise to say--that is, I wish to propose a toast,
which I think you'll all say--ahem--I think, at least, that this toast is,
as you'll say, the toast of the occasion. Gentlemen, I belong to a good
many of these things, and I say, gentlemen, that this hospital requires no
patronage--at least, what I mean is, you don't want any recommendation.
You've only got to be ill--got to be ill."

"Now, gentlemen, I find by the report" (turning over the leaves in a
fidgety way) "that from the year seventeen--no eighteen--no, ah, yes, I'm
right--eighteen hundred and fifty--no, it's a '3'--thirty-six--eighteen
hundred and thirty-six, no less than one hundred and ninety-three
millions--no! ah!" (to a committeeman at his side) "Eh? oh, yes, thank
you--yes--one hundred and ninety-three thousand--two millions--no" (after a
close scrutiny at the report) "two hundred and thirty-one--one hundred and
ninety-three thousand, two hundred and thirty-one! Gentlemen, I beg to
propose--success to this admirable institution!"

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