Toasts

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To what the large and variously stated figures referred no one in the
audience ever felt positive, but all agreed, as he had said they would,
that this was the toast of the evening.

30. BEE LINE

[He knew how to escape from more than one kind of fire.]

A soldier on guard in South Carolina during the war was questioned as to
his knowledge of his duties.

"You know your duty here, do you, sentinel?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, now, suppose they should open on you with shells and musketry, what
would you do?"

"Form a line, sir."

"What! one man form a line?"

"Yes, sir; form a bee-line for camp, sir."

31. VENTRILOQUISM

["Take the good the Gods provide."]

At Raglan Castle, said Mr. Ganthony, the ventriloquist, I gave an
entertainment in the open air, and throwing my voice up into the
ivy-covered ruins, said: "What are you doing there?"

To my amazement a boy answered: "I climbed up 'ere this mornin' just to see
the folk and 'ear the music; I won't do no harm."

I replied: "Very well, stay there, and don't let any one see you, do you
hear?"

The reply came: "Yes, muster, I 'ear."

This got me thunders of applause. I made up my mind to risk it, so I bowed,
and the boy never showed himself.

32. A SLIGHT MISTAKE

[Orders should be strictly obeyed.]

A celebrated German physician, according to a London paper, was once called
upon to treat an aristocratic lady, the sole cause of whose complaint was
high living and lack of exercise. But it would never have done to tell her
so. So his medical advice was:

"Arise at five o clock, take a walk in the park for one hour, then drink a
cup of tea, then walk another hour, and take a cup of chocolate. Take
breakfast at eight."

Her condition improved visibly, until one fine morning the carriage of the
baroness was seen to approach the physician's residence at lightning speed.
The patient dashed up to the doctor's house, and on his appearing on the
scene she gasped out:

"O doctor! I took the chocolate first!"

"Then drive home as fast as you can," directed the astute disciple of
Æsculapius, rapidly writing a prescription, "and take this emetic. The tea
must be underneath."

The grateful patient complied. She is still improving.

33. PRESENCE OF MIND

[A fine story to illustrate the value (money value) of presence of mind.]

A witty person whom Bismarck was commissioned by the Emperor to decorate
with the Iron Cross of the first class, discomfited the Chancellor's
attempt to chaff him. "I am authorized," said Bismarck, "to offer you one
hundred thalers instead of the cross." "How much is the cross worth?" asked
the soldier. "Three thalers." "Very well, then, your highness, I'll take
the cross and ninety-seven thalers." Bismarck was so surprised and pleased
by the ready shrewdness of the reply that he gave the man both the cross
and the money.

34. JOKE ON A DUDE

[A good story for one who has some power of personation, for the dudes get
little sympathy.]

A crowded car ran down the other evening. Within was a full-blown,
eye-glassed, drab-gaitered dude, apparently satisfied that he was jammed in
among an admiring community. On the rear platform a cheery young mechanic
was twitting the conductor and occasionally making a remark to a fresh
passenger. Everybody took it in good part as a case of inoffensive high
spirits, all but the dude, who evinced a strong disgust.

When the young man called out to an old gentleman, "Sit out here, guvinor,
on the back piazza," or to another, "Don't crowd there; stay where
the breezes blow," the dude looked daggers, and at last, grabbing the
conductor's elbow and indicating the young man by a nod of the head,
evidently entered a protest. Every one saw it. So did the young man, and
he gathered his wits together like a streak to finish that dude. He did
it all with an imperturbable good humor and seriousness which would carry
conviction to the most doubting.

"Well, I never!" he began, poking his head inside the doorway with an air
of comic surprise. "Jes' to see you a-sitting there, dressed up like that.
Catch on to them gaiters, will you? Ain't you got the nerve to go up and
down Broadway fixed up like that, and your poor father and mother workin'
hard at home? Ain't you 'shamed o' yourself, and your father a honest,
hard-workin' driver, and your mother a decent, respectable washwoman? Y'
ain't no good, or you wouldn't have gev up your place, and I think I'll go
look after it myself and put a decent man in it."

He stepped off the car as if bent on doing this at once, and the dude,
unable to resist the ridicule of the situation or defend the attack,
hastily stepped off after him.

35. NEWSPAPER REPORTER

[Equally good for a missionary meeting or a gathering of newspaper men.]

A young journalist was requested to write something about the Zenana
Mission. He assured the readers of the paper that among the many scenes
of missionary labor, none had of late attracted more attention than the
Zenana Mission, and assuredly none was more deserving of this attention.
Comparatively few years had passed since Zenana had been opened up to
British trade, but already, owing to the devotion of a handful of men and
women, the nature of the inhabitants had been almost entirely changed.
The Zenanese, from being a savage people, had become, in a wonderfully
short space of time, practically civilized; and recent travelers to
Zenana had returned with the most glowing accounts of the continued
progress of the good work in that country. He then branched off into the
"laborer-worthy-of-his-hire" side of this great work, and the question
was aptly asked if the devoted laborers in that remote vineyard were not
deserving of support. Were civilization and Christianity to be snatched
from the Zenanese just when both were within their grasp? So on for nearly
half a column the writer meandered in the most orthodox style, just as he
had done scores of times before when advocating certain missions. Some one
who found him the next day running his finger down the letter Z, in the
index to the "Handy Atlas," with a puzzled look upon his face, knew he had
had a letter from the editor.

36. HOW A WOMAN PROPOSED

[A variation of the old and always pleasing theme.]

They were dining off fowl in a restaurant. "You see," he explained, as he
showed her the wishbone, "you take hold here. Then we must both make a wish
and pull, and when it breaks the one who has the bigger part of it will
have his or her wish granted." "But I don't know what to wish for," she
protested. "Oh! you can think of something," he said. "No, I can't," she
replied; "I can't think of anything I want very much." "Well, I'll wish
for you," he exclaimed. "Will you, really?" she asked. "Yes." "Well, then,
there's no use fooling with the old wishbone," she interrupted, with a glad
smile, "you can have me."

37. LUCKY ANSWER

[Certainly Thompson would be a lawyer, ready for any emergency.]

In times past there was in a certain law school an aged and eccentric
professor. "General information" was the old gentleman's hobby. He held
it as incontrovertible that if a young lawyer possessed a large fund of
miscellaneous knowledge, combined with an equal amount of common sense,
he would be successful in life. So every year the professor put on his
examination papers a question very far removed from the subject of criminal
law. One year it was, "How many kinds of trees are there in the college
yard?" the next, "What is the make-up of the present English cabinet?"

Finally the professor thought he had invented the best question of his
life. It was, "Name twelve animals that inhabit the polar regions." The
professor chuckled as he wrote this down. He was sure he would "pluck"
half the students on that question and it was beyond a doubt that that
opprobrious young loafer Thompson would fail. But when the professor read
the examination papers, Thompson, who had not answered another question,
was the only man who had solved the polar problem. This was Thompson's
answer: "Six seals and six polar bears." Thompson got his degree with
distinction.

38. DOUBLE EDUCATION

A young doctor, wishing to make a good impression upon a German farmer,
mentioned the fact that he had received a double education, as it were. He
had studied homoeopathy, and was also a graduate of a "regular" medical
school. "Oh! dot vas noding," said the farmer, "I had vonce a calf vot
sucked two cows, and he made nothing but a common schteer after all."

39. REMNANTS

[This and the preceding have a little spice of ill-nature, and while
enjoyable must be applied carefully.]

Wife--"Such a dream as I had last night, dear!"

Husband--"May I hear about it?"

"Well, yes; I dreamed I was in a great establishment where they sold
husbands. They were beauties; some in glass cases and marked at fearful
prices, and others were sold at less figures. Girls were paying out
fortunes, and getting the handsomest men I ever saw. It was wonderful."

"Did you see any like me there, dear?"

"Yes; just as I was leaving I saw a whole lot like you lying on the remnant
counter."

40. INDIRECT AND DIRECT

[The following instances show that it is necessary to heed indirect as well
as direct meanings.]

Mr. Callon, M. P. for Louth, Ireland, a stanch opponent of the Sunday
Closing and Permissive Bill and personally a great benefactor to the
Revenue, replying to the Irish Attorney-General, said: "The facts relied on
by the learned gentleman are very strange. Now, Mr. Speaker, _I swallow a
good deal_. ['Hear, hear,' 'Quite true,' 'Begorra, you can,' and roars
of laughter.] I repeat, _I can swallow a great deal_ ['Hear, hear,'
and fresh volleys of laughter], but I can't swallow that." A few nights
before, in a debate which had to do with the Jews, Baron de Worms had just
remarked, "_We owe much to the Jews_," when there came a feeling groan
from a well-known member in his back corner, "_We do_."

41. AN UNMARRIED MAN'S WIFE

At a dinner at Delmonico's, after the bottle had made its tenth round,
one of the company proposed this toast: "To the man whose wife was never
vixenish to him!" A wag of an old bachelor jumped up and said: "Gentlemen,
as I am the only _unmarried_ man at this table, I suppose that that
toast was intended for me."

42. A DILEMMA

"I am no good unless I strike," said the match. "And you lose your head
every time you do strike," said the box.

43. COURAGEOUS GIRL

[The following is a good instance of an elaborate story and a sharp
retort.]

It is not always safe to presume upon the timidity or ignorance of folks.
The most demure may be the most courageous. A gentleman who attempted
to play a practical joke in order to test the courage of a servant, was
nonplused in a very unexpected way. Here is his story:

I am very particular about fastening the doors and windows of my house. I
do not intend to leave them open at night as an invitation to burglars to
enter. You see, I was robbed once in that way last year, and I never mean
to be again; so when I go to bed I like to be sure that every door and
window is securely fastened.

Last winter my wife engaged a big, strong country girl, and the new-comer
was very careless about the doors at night. On two or three occasions I
came down-stairs to find a window up or the back door unlocked. I cautioned
her, but it did her no good. I therefore determined to frighten her. I got
some false whiskers, and one night about eleven o'clock I crept down the
back-stairs to the kitchen, where she was. She had turned down the gas, and
was in her chair by the fire fast asleep, as I could tell by her breathing,
but the moment I struck a match she awoke.

I expected a great yelling and screaming, but nothing of the sort took
place. She bounced out of her seat with a "You villain!" on her lips,
seized a chair by the back, and before I had made a move she hit me over
the head, forcing me to my knees. I tried to get up, tried to explain who I
was, but in vain. Before I could get out of the room she struck me again,
and it was only after I had tumbled up the back-stairs that she gave
the alarm. Then she came up to my room, rapped at the door, and coolly
announced:

"Mr. ----, please get up. I've killed a burglar."

44. MORAL SUASION

"What are your usual modes of punishment?" was among the questions
submitted to a teacher in rural district in Ohio. Her answer was, "I try
moral suasion first, and if that does not work I use capital punishment."

As it was a neighborhood where moral suasion had not been a success, and
the children were scarce the committee took no risks.

45. CUTE BOY

The teacher in geography was putting the class through a few simple tests:

"On which side of the earth is the North Pole?" he inquired.

"On the north side," came the unanimous answer.

"On which side is the South Pole?"

"On the south side?"

"Now, on which side are the most people?"

This was a poser, and nobody answered. Finally, a very young scholar held
up his hand.

"I know," he said, hesitatingly, as if the excess of his knowledge was too
much for him.

"Good for you," said the teacher, encouragingly; "tell the class on which
side the most people are."

"On the outside," piped the youngster, and whatever answer the teacher had
in her mind was lost in the shuffle.

46. PERPLEXED

Bob--"Hello! I'm awfully glad to see you!" Dick--"I guess there must be
some mistake. I don't owe you anything, and I am not in a condition to
place you in a position to owe me anything!"

47. BEN FRANKLIN'S OYSTERS

Benjamin Franklin was not unlike other boys in his love for sophomoric
phrases. It is related that one day he told his father that he had
swallowed some acephalus molluscus, which so alarmed him that he shrieked
for help. The mother came in with warm water, and forced half a gallon
down Benjamin's throat with the garden pump, then held him upside down,
the father saying, "If we don't get those things out of Bennie he'll be
poisoned sure." When Benjamin was allowed to get his breath he explained
that the articles referred to were oysters. His father was so indignant
that he whipped him for an hour for frightening the family. Franklin never
afterward used a word with two syllables when a monosyllable would do.

48. FAMILY AFFAIRS

"Newlywed seems to find particular delight in parading his little family
affairs before the eyes of his acquaintances," "Does he? What are they?
Scandals?" "Nop, twins."

49. A BURGLAR'S EXPERIENCE

A New York paper prints this extract from the reminiscences of a retired
burglar:

"I think about the most curious man I ever met," said the retired burglar,
"I met in a house in eastern Connecticut, and I shouldn't know him, either,
if I should meet him again unless I should hear him speak. It was so dark
where I met him that I never saw him at all. I had looked around the house
down-stairs, and actually hadn't seen a thing worth carrying off. It was
the poorest house I ever was in, and it wasn't a bad-looking house on the
outside, either. I got up-stairs and groped around a little, and finally
turned into a room that was darker than Egypt. I had not gone more than
three steps in this room when I heard a man say:

"'Hello, there.'

"'Hello,' says I.

"'Who are you?' says the man; 'burglar?'

"And I said yes; I did do something in that line occasionally.

"'Miserable business to be in, ain't it?' said the man. His voice came from
a bed over in the corner of the room, and I knew he hadn't even sat up.

"And I said, 'Well, I dunno. I got to support my family some way.'

"'Well, you've just wasted a night here,' says the man. 'Did you see
anything down-stairs worth stealing?'

"And I said no, I hadn't.

"'Well, there's less up-stairs,' says the man; and then I heard him turn
over and settle down to go to sleep again. I'd like to have gone over there
and kicked him, but I didn't. It was getting late, and I thought, all
things considered, that I might just as well let him have his sleep out."

50. HITTING A LAWYER

"Have you had a job to-day, Tim?" inquired a well-known legal gentleman
of the equally well-known, jolly, florid-faced old drayman, who, rain or
shine, summer or winter, is rarely absent from his post.

"Bedad, I did, sor."

"How many?"

"Only two, sor."

"How much did you get for both?"

"Sivinty cints, sor."

"Seventy cents! How in the world do you expect to live and keep a horse on
seventy cents a day?"

"Some days I have half a dozen jobs, sor. But bizness has been dull to-day,
sor. On'y the hauling of a thrunk for a gintilman for forty cints an' a
load av furniture for thirty cints; an' there was the pots an' the kittles,
an' there's no telling phat; a big load, sor."

"Do you carry big loads of household goods for thirty cents?"

"She was a poor widdy, sor, an' had no more to give me. I took all she had,
sor; an' bedad, sor, a lyyer could have done no better nor that, sor."

51. CUTTING SHORT A PRAYER

Many a spiritual history is condensed into a miniature in the following:

Two fishermen--Jamie and Sandy--belated and befogged on a rough water, were
in some trepidation lest they should never get ashore again. At last Jamie
said:

"Sandy, I'm steering, and I think you'd better put up a bit of a prayer."

Sandy said: "I don't know how."

Jamie said: "If you don't I'll just chuck ye overboard."

Sandy began: "O Lord, I never asked onything of Ye for fifteen year, and if
Ye'll only get us safe back I'll never trouble Ye again."

"Whist, Sandy," said Jamie, "_the boat's touched shore; don't be beholden
to onybody_."

52. UNREMITTING KINDNESS

Jerrold was asked if he considered a man kind who remitted no funds to his
family when away. "Oh! yes. _Unremitting kindness_," said he.

53. AMUSING BLUNDER

One of the passengers on board the ill-fated "Metis" at the time of the
disaster was an exceedingly nervous man, who, while floating in the water,
imagined how his friends would acquaint his wife of his fate. Saved at
last, he rushed to the telegraph office and sent this message: "Dear P----,
I am saved. _Break it gently to my wife._"

54. COMPLIMENT TO A LADY

[How nicely this might fit into a ladies' party.]

Sidney Smith, the cultivated writer and divine, who, when describing his
country residence, declared that he lived twelve miles from a lemon, was
told by a beautiful girl that a certain pea in his garden would never come
to perfection. "Permit me then," said he, taking her by the hand, "_to
lead perfection to the pea_."

55. TOO SLIM

[The great evil of mixing religion and politics are well set forth in the
following incident:]

"Gabe," said the governor to an old colored man, "I understand that you
have been ousted from your position of Sunday-school superintendent."

"Yes, sah, da figured aroun' till da got me out. II was all a piece of
political work, though; and I doan see why de law of de lan' doan prevent
de Sunday-schools an' churches from takin' up political matters!"

"How did politics get you out?"

"Yer see, some time ago, when I was a candidate for justice ob de peace, I
gin' a barbecue ter some ob my frien's. De udder day da brung up de fack
an' ousted me."

"I don't see why the fact that you gave a barbecue to your friends should
have caused any trouble."

"Neider does myse'f, boss; but yer see da said dat I stole de hogs what I
barbecued. De proof wa'nt good, an' I think dat da done wrong in ackin'
upon sech slim testimony. Da said dat I cotch de hogs in a corn fid'. I
know dat wan't true, 'case it was a wheat fid' whar I cotch 'em."

56. A FAST-DAY TOAST

On one of the fast-days--a cold, bleak one, too--Father Foley, a popular
and genial priest, on his way from a distant visitation, dropped in to
see Widow O'Brien, who was as jolly as himself, and equally as fond of
the creature comforts, and, what is better, well able to provide them. As
it was about dinner-time, his reverence thought he would stay and have a
"morsel" with the old dame; but what was his horror to see served up in
good style a pair of splendid roast ducks!

"Oh! musha, Mistress O'Brien, what have ye there?" he exclaimed, in
well-feigned surprise.

"Ducks, yer riverence."

"Ducks! roast ducks! and this a fast-day of the holy Church!"

"Wisha! I never thought of that; but why can't we eat a bit of duck, yer
riverence?"

"Why? Because the Council of Trint won't lave us--that's why."

"Well, well, now, but I'm sorry fur that, fur I can only give ye a bite of
bread and cheese and a glass of something hot. Would that be any harrum,
sir?"

"Harrum! by no manes, woman. Sure we must live any way, and bread and
cheese is not forbid!"

"Nayther whiskey punch?"

"Nayther that."

"Well, thin, yer riverence, would it be any harrum fur me to give a toast?"

"By no manes, Mrs. O'Brien. Toast away as much as ye like, bedad!"

"Well, thin, _here's to the Council of Trint, fur if it keeps us from
atin', it doesn't keep us from drinkin'_!"

57. THE SUN STANDING STILL

James Russell Lowell, when concluding an after-dinner speech in England,
made a happy hit by introducing the story of a Methodist preacher at a
camp-meeting, of whom he had heard when he was young. He was preaching on
Joshua ordering the sun to stand still: "My hearers," he said, "there are
three motions of the sun; the first is the straightforward or direct motion
of the sun, the second is the retrograde or backward motion of the sun,
and the third is the motion mentioned in our text--'the sun stood still.'
Now, gentlemen, I do not know whether you see the application of that story
to after-dinner oratory. I hope you do. The after-dinner orator at first
begins and goes straight forward--that is the straightforward motion of the
sun; next he goes back and begins to repeat himself a little, and that is
the retrograde or backward motion of the sun; and at last he has the good
sense to bring himself to an end, and that is the motion mentioned in our
text of the sun standing still."

58. NEUTRALIZING POISON

Col. John H. George, a New Hampshire barrister, tells a good story on
himself. Meeting an old farmer recently whom he had known in his youth,
the old fellow congratulated the Colonel on his youthful appearance.

"How is it you've managed to keep so fresh and good-looking all these
years?" quoth he.

"Well," said George, "I'll tell you. I've always drank new rum and voted
the Democratic ticket."

"Oh! yes," said the old man, "_I see how it is; one pizen neutralizes
the other!_"

59. GENERAL BUTLER AND THE SPOONS

While General Butler was delivering a speech in Boston during an exciting
political campaign, one of his hearers cried out: "How about the spoons,
Ben?" Benjamin's good eye twinkled merrily as he looked bashfully at the
audience, and said: "Now, don't mention that, please. _I was a Republican
when I stole those spoons._"

60. MAKING MOST OF ONE'S CAPITAL

[One should always make the most of his capital, as this orator did.]

"Fellow-citizens, my competitor has told you of the services he rendered in
the late war. I will follow his example, and I shall tell you of mine. He
basely insinuates that I was deaf to the voice of honor in that crisis. The
truth is, I acted a humble part in that memorable contest. When the tocsin
of war summoned the chivalry of the country to rally to the defense of the
nation, I, fellow-citizens, animated by that patriotic spirit that glows
in every American's bosom, hired a substitute for that war, and the bones
of that man, fellow-citizens, now lie bleaching in the valley of the
Shenandoah!"

61. MEETING HALF-WAY

[But the following man could get even more out of an unpromising
situation.]

"Now, I want to know," said a man whose veracity had been questioned by
an angry acquaintance, "just why you call me a liar. Be frank, sir; for
frankness is a golden-trimmed virtue. Just as a friend, now, tell me why
you called me a liar."

"Called you a liar because you are a liar," the acquaintance replied.

"That's what I call frankness. Why, sir, if this rule were adopted over
half of the difficulties would be settled without trouble, and in our case
there would have been trouble but for our willingness to meet each other
half-way."

62. UNFORTUNATE MISTAKE

Judge ----, who is now a very able Judge of the Supreme Court of one of the
great States of this Union, when he first "came to the bar," was a very
blundering speaker. On one occasion, when he was trying a case of replevin,
involving the right of property to a lot of hogs, he addressed the jury as
follows:

"Gentlemen of the jury, there were just twenty-four hogs in that
drove--just twenty-four, gentlemen--_exactly twice as many as there are
in that jury-box_!" The effect can be imagined.

63. TAKEN AT HIS WORD

A pretentious person said to the leading man of a country village, "How
would a lecture by me on Mount Vesuvius suit the inhabitants of your
village?" "Very well, sir; very well, indeed," he answered; "a lecture by
you on Mount Vesuvius would suit them a great deal better than a lecture by
you in this village."

64. BRAGGING VETERANS

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