Toasts

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In warning veterans against exaggerating, a gentleman at a Washington
banquet related the following anecdote of a Revolutionary veteran, who,
having outlived nearly all his comrades, and being in no danger of
contradiction, rehearsed his experience thuswise: "In that fearful day at
Monmouth, although entitled to a horse, I fought on foot. With each blow
I severed an Englishman's head from his body, until a huge pile of heads
lay around me, great pools of blood on either side, and my shoes were so
full of the same dreadful fluid that my feet slipped beneath me. Just then
I felt a touch upon my shoulder, and, looking up, who should I behold but
the great and good Washington himself! Never shall I forget the majesty and
dignity of his presence, as, pressing his hand upon me, he said, 'My young
friend, restrain yourself, and for heaven's sake do not make a
slaughter-house of yourself.'"

65. EXCHANGING MINDS

Heinrich Heine, the German poet, apologizing for feeling dull after a visit
from a professor said: "I am afraid you find me very stupid. The fact is,
Dr. ---- called upon me this morning, and _we exchanged our minds_."

66. BUYING A LAWYER

[The willingness to pay full value for an article is a trait of character
always appreciated.]

Lawyer B---- called at the office of Counselor F----, who has had
considerable practice in bankruptcy, and said: "See here, F----, I want
to know what the practice is in such and such a case in bankruptcy."

F----, straightening himself up and looking as wise as possible, replied:
"Well, Mr. B----, I generally get paid for telling what I know."

B---- put his hand into his pocket, drew forth half a dollar, handed it to
F----, and said: "Here, tell me _all_ you know, and _give me the
change_."

67. WOULD NOT SAVE IT

In the old town of W----, in the Pine-tree State, lived one of those
unfortunate lords of creation who had, in not a very long life, put on
mourning for three departed wives. But time assuages heart-wounds, as well
as those of the flesh. In due time a fourth was inaugurated mistress of
his heart and house. He was a very prudent man, and suffered nothing to be
wasted. When the new mistress was putting things in order, while cleaning
up the attic she came across a long piece of board, and was about launching
it out of the window, when little Sadie interposed, and said: "Oh! don't,
mamma! _that is the board papa lays out his wives on, and he wants to
save it!_" Nevertheless, _out it went_.

68. WIDOW OUTWITTED

In a Western village a charming, well-preserved widow had been courted and
won by a physician. She had children. The wedding-day was approaching,
and it was time the children should know they were to have a new father.
Calling one of them to her, she said: "Georgie, I am going to do something
before long that I would like to talk about with you."

"Well, ma, what is it!"

"I am intending to marry Dr. Jones in a few days, and--"

"Bully for you, ma! _Does Dr. Jones know it?_"

Ma caught her breath, but failed to articulate a response.

69. TOO KIND

[Where can we find a more touching manifestation of mutual benevolence than
the following.]

In New Jersey reside two gentlemen, near neighbors and bosom friends, one a
clergyman, Dr. B----, the other a "gentleman of means" named Wilson. Both
were passionately fond of music, and the latter devoted many of his leisure
hours to the study of the violin. One fine afternoon our clerical friend
was in his study, deeply engaged in writing, when there came along one of
those good-for-nothing little Italian players, who planted himself under
his study window, and, much to his annoyance, commenced scraping away on a
squeaky fiddle. After trying in vain for about fifteen minutes to collect
his scattered thoughts, the Doctor descended to the piazza in front of the
house, and said to the boy:

"Look here, sonny, you go over and play awhile for Mr. Wilson. Here is ten
cents. He lives in that big white house over yonder. He plays the violin,
and likes music better than I do."

"Well," said the boy, taking the "stamp," "_I would, but he just gave me
ten cents to come over and play for you!_"

70. NOT FOOLED TWICE

San Francisco boasts of a saloon called the Bank Exchange, where the finest
wines and liquors are dispensed at twenty-five cents a glass, with lunches
thrown in free. A plain-looking person went in one morning and called for a
brandy cocktail, and wanted it _strong_. Mr. Parker, as is usual with
him, was very considerate, and mixed the drink in his best style, setting
it down for his customer. After the cocktail had disappeared the man leaned
over the bar and said that he had no change about him then, but would have
soon, when he would pay for the drink. Parker politely remarked that he
should have mentioned the fact before he got the drink; when his customer
remarked: "I tried that on yesterday morning with one of your men, but he
would not let me have the whiskey, so you could not play that dodge on
me again!" This was too good for Parker, and he told the customer he was
welcome to his drink, and was entitled to his hat in the bargain, if he
wanted it.

71. BITING SARCASM

Standing on the steps at the entrance to one of the grand hotels at
Saratoga, a young gentleman, in whom the "dude" species was strongly
developed, had been listening with eager attention to the bright things
which fell from the lips of the well-known wit and orator, Emory A. Storrs.

At last our exquisite exclaimed: "Er--Mr. Storrs,--I--er--wish, oh! how
I--er--_wish_! that I had your--er--cheek."

Mr. Storrs instantly annihilated him with: "It is a most fortunate
dispensation of Providence that you have not. For, _with my cheek and
your brains_, you would be kicked down these steps in no time!"

72. INCORRIGIBLE NEIGHBOR

A lady in California had a troublesome neighbor, whose cattle overrun her
ranch, causing much damage. The lady bore the annoyance patiently, hoping
that some compunction would be felt for the damage inflicted. At last she
caught a calf which was making havoc in her garden, and sent it home with a
child, saying, "Tell Mrs. A. that the calf has eaten nearly everything in
the garden, and I have scarcely a cabbage left."

The feelings of the injured lady may be imagined when she received this
reply: "The cabbage nearly all eaten! Well, I must get over and borrow some
before it is all gone!"

73. DISGUSTED OFFICER

Some years since a party of Indians drove off all the live-stock at Fort
Lancaster. A few days afterward Captain ---- was passing through the post,
and stopped a couple of days for rest. While there an enthusiastic officer
took him out to show him the trail of the bad Indians, how they came, which
way they went, etc. After following the trail for some distance the Captain
turned to his guide and exclaimed: "Look here; if you want to find any
Indians, you can find them; _I haven't lost any_, and am going back to
camp."

74. IRATE PRISONER

A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case was
given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge sentenced
him to three months' imprisonment. The jailer was a jovial man, fond of
a _smile_, and feeling particularly good on that particular day,
considered himself insulted when the prisoner looking around his cell told
him it was dirty, and not fit for a hog to be put in. One word brought on
another, till finally the jailer told the prisoner if he did not behave
himself he would put him out. To which the prisoner replied: "I will give
you to understand, sir, I have as good a right here as you have!"

75. TRUTHFUL PRISONER

The eccentric old King of Prussia, father of Frederick the Great, while
visiting the Potsdam prison, was much interested in the professions of
innocence the prisoners made. Some blamed their conviction on the prejudice
of judges; others, upon the perjury of witnesses or the tricks of bad
companions. At length he accosted a sturdy, closely-fettered prisoner with
the remark, "I suppose you are innocent, too."

"No, your Majesty," was the unexpected response. "I am guilty, and richly
deserve all I get."

"Here, you turnkey," thundered the monarch, "come and turn out this rascal,
quick, before he corrupts this fine lot of innocent and abused people that
you have about you."

76. RULING PASSION

There are persons now living in Bennington who remember old Billy B----, of
whom it might be said he furnished an example of the "ruling passion strong
in death." When very ill, and friends were expecting an early demise,
his nephew and a man hired for the occasion had butchered a steer which
had been fattened; and when the job was completed the nephew entered the
sick-room, where a few friends were assembled, when, to the astonishment of
all, the old man opened his eyes, and turning his head slightly, said, in a
full voice, drawing out the words:

"What have you been doing?"

"Killing the steer," was the reply.

"What did you do with the hide?"

"Left it in the barn; going to sell it by-and-by."

"Let the boys drag it around the yard a couple of times; it will make it
weigh heavier."

And the good old man was gathered unto his fathers.

77. BAD SPECULATION

[This is told of bears, rattlesnakes, etc., as well as Indians.]

At a recent festive occasion a gentleman who was making a few remarks was
repeatedly interrupted by another one of the company. He bore it patiently
at first, but finally said that it reminded him of a story he had heard. He
said that a man, whom business had called away a short distance from his
home in the city, thought he would pay his way back again by purchasing
a number of hogs and driving them home. He did so, but when he and the
hogs arrived at their destination the market for the latter had fallen
considerably in price, and the hogs had also lost weight on the journey. It
was remarked to him that he had made rather a bad speculation. "Yes--well,
yes," he answered reflectively. "Yes--but then, you see, _I had their
company all the way_!"

78. SATISFIED WITH HIS SITUATION

[The following may not be strictly true, but it well illustrates that there
is always a lower depth in misfortune, and--that Western roads are often
somewhat muddy.]

Some years ago, when riding along one of the almost impassable roads in the
far West, I observed a dark-looking object lying in the middle of the road,
and my natural curiosity impelled me to dismount and examine it. It proved
to be a hat, somewhat muddy and dilapidated, but emphatically a hat. On
lifting it up, to my surprise I found that it covered a head--a human
head--which protruded sufficiently out of the mud to be recognizable as
such. I ventured to address the evidently wide-awake head, and remarked
that it seemed to be in a pretty bad sort of a fix.

"Wa'al, yes!" the lips replied; "you're about right thar, stranger; _but
then I ain't anyway near as bad off as the horse that's under me_!"

79. A GOOD WORD FOR THE DEVIL

A conference preacher one day went into the house of a Wesleyan Reformer,
and saw the portraits of three expelled ministers suspended from the walls.

"What!" said he, "have you got them hanging there?"

"Oh! yes," was the answer; "they are there."

"Ah! well; but one is wanted to complete the set."

"Pray, who is that?"

"Why, the devil, to be sure."

"Ah!" said the Reformer, "but he is not yet expelled from the Conference."

80. MARRYING A WIDOW

In Cadiz, Ohio, a preacher was summoned to the hotel to make an expectant
couple one. In the course of the preliminary inquiries the groom was asked
if he had been married before, and admitted that he had been--three times.
"And is this lady a widow," was also asked, but he responded promptly and
emphatically, "No, sir; _I never marry widows_."

81. A GOOD SALE

Several years ago there resided in Saratoga County a lawyer of considerable
ability and reputation, but of no great culture, who had an unusually fine
taste in paintings and engravings--the only evidence of refinement he
ever exhibited. A clergyman of the village in which he lived, knowing his
fondness for such things, introduced to him an agent of a publishing house
in the city who was issuing a pictorial Bible in numbers. The specimen
of the style of work exhibited to the lawyer was a very beautiful one,
and he readily put down his name for a copy. But in the progress of the
publication the character of the engravings rapidly deteriorated, much
to the disgust of the enlightened lawyer. The picture of Joseph, very
indifferently done, provoked him beyond endurance, and seizing several of
the numbers he sallied forth to reproach the parson for leading him into
such a bad bargain. "Look at these wretched scratches," said he, turning
the pages over, "and see how I have been imposed upon! Here is a portrait
of Joseph, whom his brethren sold to the Egyptians for twenty pieces of
silver; and let me tell you, parson, _if Joseph looked like that it was
a mighty good sale_!"

82. TRIUMPHS OF MEDICINE

A priest was called upon by a superstitious parishioner, who asked him to
do something for her sick cow. He disclaimed knowing anything about such
matters, but could not put her off. She insisted that if he would only
say some words over the cow, the animal would surely recover. Worn out
with importunity, he seized his book in desperation, walked around the
four-legged patient several times, repeating in a sonorous voice the Latin
words, which mean, "If you die, you die; and if you live, you live," and
rushed off disgusted. But the woman was delighted, and sooth to say the cow
quickly recovered.

But in time the good man himself was taken sick, and grew rapidly worse.
His throat was terribly swollen, and all medical aid was exhausted. The
word passed around the parish that the priest must die. When Bridget heard
the peril of her favorite pastor she was inspired by a mighty resolve. She
hurried to the sick-room, entered against the protest of the friends who
were weeping around, and with out a word to any one with her strong hands
dragged his reverence's bed to the middle of the floor, and with the exact
copy of his very gestures and voice marched around the bed, repeating the
sonorous and well-remembered Latin phrase, "If you die, you die; and if you
live, you live." The priest fell into a fit of uncontrollable laughter, and
in his struggle for breath and self-control the gathering in his throat
broke and his life was saved!

Mighty are the triumphs of medicine!

83. TIT FOR TAT

An old fellow in a neighboring town, who is original in all things,
especially in excessive egotism, and who took part in the late war, was
one day talking to a crowd of admiring listeners, and boasting of his many
bloody exploits, when he was interrupted by the question:

"I say, old Joe, how many of the enemy did you kill during the war?"

"How many did I kill sir? _how many_ enemies did I kill? Well, I don't
know just 'zactly _how_ many; but I know this much--I killed as many
o' them _as they did o' me_!"

84. SLEEPING ON TOP

During a homeward trip of the "Henry Chauncey," from Aspinwall, the
steerage passengers were so numerous as to make them uncomfortable. As
for sleeping accommodation, it was aptly described by a Californian, who
approached the captain, and said:

"I should like to have a sleeping-berth, if you please."

"Why, where have you been sleeping these last two nights since we left?"

"Wa'al, I've been sleeping a-top of a sick man; _but he's better now, and
won't stand it no longer_!"

85. SAMBO AND THE LAWYER

In a Macon (Ga.) court the other day a lawyer was cross-examining a negro
witness, and was getting along fairly well until he asked the witness what
his occupation was. "I'se a carpenter, sah." "What kind of a carpenter?"
"They calls me a jackleg carpenter, sah." "What is a jackleg carpenter?"
"He is a carpenter who is not a first-class carpenter, sah." "Well, explain
fully what you understand a jackleg carpenter to be," insisted the lawyer.
"Boss, I declare I dunno how ter splain any mo' 'cept to say hit am jes'
the same difference 'twixt you an' a fust-class lawyer."

86. SIXTY-CENT NAP

On board a train in the West an eccentric preacher wanted a sleeping-berth,
but had only sixty cents, while the lowest price was a dollar. Naturally
he did not get on very fast with the porter; but after wearing out the
patience of that functionary in vain efforts to stretch the sixty cents,
the conductor was sent for. All proposals to borrow, to pledge an old
Waterbury watch, and other financial expedients failed; but the circle
was squared when the preacher said, "I'll lie down, and _when I have
slept sixty cents worth, you send that bed-shaker to rout me out_." The
procession started for the sleeper amid the hilarity of the passengers, but
the tradition is that he slept the whole night through and far into the
morning.

87. PREFERRED TO WALK

A great traveler once found himself on the shore of the Sea of Galilee. He
was at once beset by boatmen, who wanted to take him out to sail on the
waters where Christ had walked. He yielded to their importunities, and
returned to the shore in about an hour. But his devout meditations were
greatly disturbed when he was told that the charge was $10. With energy
he declared that it was robbery, that it was not worth so much to sail
all over their little lake, and demanded, "What makes you charge so
dreadfully?" "Why," said the innocent boatman, "because dese ese de lake
were de Saviour walked on de water." "Walked! walked! did He? Well, if
the boatmen of that day charged as you fellows do, I should think He
_would_ walk."

88. HORACE GREELEY'S JOKE

On one occasion a person, who wished to have a little fun at the expense of
his constituency, said in a group where Horace Greeley was standing: "Mr.
Greeley and I, gentlemen, are old friends. We have drunk a good deal of
brandy and water together." "Yes," said Mr. Greeley, "that is true enough.
You drank the brandy, and I drank the water."

89. DOCTORS AND DEADHEADS

Fifty years ago the principal avenue of Detroit had a toll-gate close
to the entrance of the Elmwood Cemetery road. As this cemetery had been
laid out some time previous to the construction of the plank road, it was
arranged that all funeral processions should be allowed to pass along the
latter toll-free. One day as a well-known physician stopped to pay his
toll, he observed to the gate-keeper:

"Considering the benevolent character of our profession, I think you ought
to let physicians pass free of charge."

"No, no, doctor," replied the man; "we can't afford that. You send too many
'deadheads' through here as it is."

The story traveled, and the two words became associated.

90. BOOMING A TOWN

They tell a story of a man who came into Omaha one day, and wanted to trade
his farm for some city lots. "All right," replied the real-estate agent,
"get into my buggy, and I'll drive you out to see some of the finest
residence sites in the world--water, sewers, paved streets, cement
sidewalks, electric light, shade trees, and all that sort of thing," and
away they drove four or five miles into the country. The real-estate
agent expatiated upon the beauty of the surroundings, the value of the
improvements made and projected, the convenience of the location, the ease
and speed with which people who lived there could reach town, and the
certainty of an active demand for such lots in the immediate future. Then,
when he was breathless, he turned to his companion, and asked:

"Where's your farm?"

"We passed it coming out here," was the reply. "It's about two miles nearer
town."

91. ATHLETIC NURSE

Young Wife--"Why, dear, you were the stroke oar at college, weren't you?"

Young Husband--"Yes, love."

"And a prominent member of the gymnastic class?"

"I was leader."

"And quite a hand at all athletic exercises?"

"Quite a hand? My gracious! I was champion walker, the best runner, the
head man at lifting heavy weights, and as for carrying--why, I could
shoulder a barrel of flour and--"

"Well, love, just please carry the baby for a couple of hours, I'm tired."

92. TOO PREMATURE

[Anything rather premature may be illustrated by the following:]

A spring bird that had taken time by the forelock flew across the lawn near
this city one day last week. His probable fate is best described in this
pathetic verse, author unknown:

"The first bird of spring
Essayed for to sing;
But ere he had uttered a note
He fell from the limb,
A dead bird was him,
The music had friz in his throat."

93. A BEWILDERED IRISHMAN

The poet Shelley tells an amusing story of the influence that language
"hard to be understood" exercises on the vulgar mind. Walking near Covent
Garden, London, he accidentally jostled against an Irish navvy, who, being
in a quarrelsome mood, seemed inclined to attack the poet. A crowd of
ragged sympathizers began to gather, when Shelley, calmly facing them,
deliberately pronounced:

"I have put my hand into the hamper, I have looked on the sacred barley, I
have eaten out of the drum. I have drunk and am well pleased. I have said,
'Knox Ompax,' and it is finished."

The effect was magical, the astonished Irishman fell back; his friends
began to question him. "What barley?" "Where's the hamper?" "What have you
been drinking?" and Shelley walked away unmolested.

94. OBEYING ORDERS

When General Sickles, after the second battle of Bull Run, assumed command
of a division of the Army of the Potomac, he gave an elaborate farewell
dinner to the officers of his old Excelsior Brigade.

"Now, boys, we will have a family gathering," he said to them, as they
assembled in his quarters. Pointing to the table, he continued: "Treat it
as you would the enemy."

As the feast ended, an Irish officer was discovered by Sickles in the act
of stowing away three bottles of champagne in his saddle-bags.

"What are you doing, sir," gasped the astonished General.

"Obeying orders, sir," replied the captain, in a firm voice: "You told us
to treat the dinner as we would the enemy, and you know, General, what we
can't kill we capture."

95. A SPEECH FROM THE REAR PLATFORM

An Irish street-car conductor called out shrilly to the passengers standing
in the aisle:

"Will thim in front plaze to move up, so that thim behind can take the
places of thim in front, an' lave room for thim who are nayther in front
nor behind?"

96. A WAY OUT OF IT

"What's the matter with you," asked a gentleman of a friend whom he met.
"You looked puzzled and worried."

"I am," said the friend. "Maybe you can help me out"

"Well, what is it?"

"I am subject at intervals," said the friend, "to the wildest craving
for beefsteak and onions. It has all the characteristics of a confirmed
drunkard's craving for rum. This desire came upon me a few minutes ago, and
I determined to gratify it. Then suddenly I remembered that I had promised
to call this evening on some ladies, and I must keep that promise. Yet my
stomach is shouting for beefsteak and onions, and I am wavering between
duty and appetite."

"Can't you wait until after the call?" asked the gentleman, solicitously.

"Never," said the friend, earnestly.

"Can't you postpone the call?"

"Impossible," declared the friend.

"Well," said the gentleman, "I'll tell you what to do: go to John
Chamberlin's café; order your beefsteak and onions, and eat them. When
you get your bill it will be so big that it will _quite take your breath
away_."

97. THE EXTENT OF SCIENCE

"And now," said the learned lecturer on geology who had addressed a small
but deeply attentive audience at the village hall, "I have tried to make
these problems, abstruse as they may appear, and involving in their
solution the best thoughts, the closest analysis, and the most profound
investigations of our noblest scientific men for many years; I have tried,
I say, to make them seem comparatively simple and easily understood, in the
light of modern knowledge. Before I close this lecture I shall be glad to
answer any questions that may occur to you as to points that appear to need
clearing up or that may have been overlooked."

There was a silence of a few moments, and then an anxious-looking man in
the rear of the hall rose up.

"I would take it as a favor," he said, "if you could tell me whether
science has produced as yet any reliable and certain cure for warts."

98. WHAT'S IN A NAME?

One of the managers of a home for destitute colored children tells a funny
story about the institution. She went out there to see how things were
getting along, and found a youngster as black as the inside of a coal mine
tied to a bed-post, with his hands behind him.

"What is that boy tied up there for?" she demanded of the attendant.

"For lying, ma'am. He is the worstist, lyingest nigger I ever seen."

"What's his name?

"George Washington, ma'am," was the paralyzing reply.

99. STILL ROOM FOR RESEARCH

"What is this new substance I hear so much about?" asked the eminent
scientist's wife.

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